Hello - we had a hell of a storm move through last night, so my morning was spent pulling patio furniture out of the pool. Fun! (We are in such a drought, though, so the rain is very welcome.)

1. It's Mormon Monday on my pro-site, and today's story is of me horribly misunderstanding what George Michaels' song "Father Figure" was about. I had tears down my face, laughing, as I wrote this.

2. Game of Thrones - I'll just leave the link. OH MY GOODNESS, THE VISUALS.

3. We're recapping Orange Is The New Black on HDJM, now, and Hillary is awesome. Come support our newest writer writing about a AMAZING LGBTQ show.

4. I bit the bullet and paid for us to move to our own private server to keep up with the load/crashes/etc. MAKE ME FEEL LIKE IT WAS WORTH IT by spreading the love for the shows you're into! CLick those links! Like, +1, tweet, Tumble, etc. Every time you do, a lizard gets its wings. YOU ARE MAKING DRAGONS, IS WHAT I AM SAYING.

5. I cannot deal with all of the pictorial goodies coming out of ALphaCon in Austria. IT IS TOO MUCH. (hence my icon)
I finally found someone that I felt I could trust to repair some precious family heirlooms and got sucked down a hole of genealogy today. :)

GIANT pics under the cut and old school Mormon family ramblings )
They're not Stradivarius, but they're my family's legacy. <3
So I have a fb, because it's the 21rst century and I'm not Amish. But I don't really LIKE it. I have people from high school and college (aka, the Mormons) friended, and use it to stalk ex-boyfriends' pictures see what people are up to.

Yesterday I posted an idea for a TV show (and some friends and I are actually moving forward on it, YAY!) about gardening, etc. Lots of back and forth comments with friends on the idea, how to get it produced, etc.

But you need this backstory: One person from college added me a few years back, and never said a word. (We had gone on a few dates, including a Big School Dance. He isn't The Date That brought a Date, mind.) He and some other guys (the one that went on and on about his Mission in Micronesia and the guy that thought a girl talking to him meant they wanted to marry this dudebro) had a Depeche Mode-style band (omg lol) and were King Turds of Shit Mountain that was my small college town. They all are still trying to make it in the "industry" after almost 20 years. In Utah. Yeah, that'll happen.

So after 2+ years from when he added me and never said a word, he finally messaged me yesterday. (And he is still LDS with 6 kids now.)
"Hey, what's up? It's Jimmy from school. I saw you post on FB and thought I'd see what you were up to these days? Where are you living? It looks like you work in film or news or something interesting like that. Remember that one time when we went up to Cedar City and discoed the shit out of that place? That was good times. Catch you later. Jimmy"

1. We never went to Cedar City and "discoed the shit" out that place. We went to SLC and went to a concert, however. (Which you left to meet "someone." Mm hmm.
2. Are you being cool by saying "shit?" Because Elder [his Last Name] that isn't in the Lord's Plan. Also, GRAMMAR, SON.
3. Remember when I took you to Sadie Hawkins? And paid for all of your things? And was awesome? And we were on the front page of the newspaper by sheer force of our awesomeness?
4. Most importantly, remember how we went back to my dorm, made out, and then you paused with your hand up my shirt and asked for advice on how to deal with your girlfriend? BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I REMEMBER.
5. What am I "up to?" Being awesome, atheistic, drinking wine, and not torturing myself over you asshole Utah dudes anymore. Kiss your wife for me! (He married that girlfriend, if you're not picking that up.)

IS THERE ANY WONDER WHY I DIDN'T STAY IN UTAH. Gross. I am so happy that every Utah boy found me unappealing. WHEW.

Side story: I had a dream last night that we brought home a GREAT WHITE SHARK to swim in our pool (which was my bedroom - dream logic, wtf?) and we kept trying to tame in, then I got really, really scared and didn't know how to deal with it, so we let it flop itself onto the deck and die. O_O Thanks, Ny-Quil! (I think I even tried to kiss the corner of its lips? I DON'T EVEN KNOW, GANG.) Just remembered: it snapped off half of its fin when it flopped onto the deck. And I was all scared to get near it because EVEN MY DREAM SELF KNOWS GREAT WHITES = DEATH.
So, Nine Inch Nails "Closer" just came on my playlist, and oh, how I loved that song when it came out. Which happened to be when I was in college in Utah. oh the shameful looks I was cast... )

In our next installment, I'll tell you all about listening to The Chronic and Snoop Dogg (with Warren G) while living with hippies in the Grand Tetons. :D GOOD TIMES. (Also: screw you and your gee dee balancing sticks and hairy armpits, bitchy girl that always sniffed at me when I was playing this in MY OWN DORM.)

Stories? Oh, I got stories!
Book of Mormon had to go up first, come on.

Still can't stop singing the songs. Not that it's a problem. :D The How to Succeed In Business Without Really Trying and Sleep No More reviews will go up tomorrow, then I can start writing this next 100K frickin' story that's crowding my brain....

Have a great weekend, errbody!
Man, do I love to travel. Like, if that was a job, professional trip taker, I would be the mo-fo Director of Hell Yes. (I would insist on funky cool titles in said company.)

Before I say anything, though, I want to extend a HUGE THANK YOU to two people for helping me take a vacation: [livejournal.com profile] sheafrotherdon and "lj user="moosesal"> for pinch hitting for me at Hey, Don't Judge Me with recaps for Hoarders and Top Chef, respectively. Please check out the wonderful job they each did. I had not one worry while away, knowing the two of them would do a wonderful job. And hey, lookee there! I WAS RIGHT. :D

And now for something completely different. New York is always wonderful. I mean, duh. New York and San Francisco are my go-to towns where I never have a bad time. Met up with [livejournal.com profile] flaming_muse and had the confirmation that she is in the Tribe of Joseph (where are my Anne Shirley girls? Holler!) I only travel with people that I know I'm going to enjoy in multiple situations, and yep, I was right with her. Not one bad moment, not one awkward pause, and I really could have used another three days with her, I'm just saying.

Day One: The first night/show was Sleep No More. Keep in mind that I'm writing up full reviews for HDJM, so I'm not going into detail here. But I will say.... )

Day Two was the Met, specifically the Egyptian Exhibit with my personal docent, [livejournal.com profile] flaming_muse. I know rudimentary things about Egypt, so it was so fun to have her point out tiny details in carvings, in the type of writing used, etc. So, so fun. Not to mention we talked non-stop about everything under the sun, and were eating delicious foods and in beautiful surroundings. LOVELY.

And then we headed to the Al Hirschfeld Theater for the Darren Criss Experience. Lol. And...well, it was enjoyable to a good degree? But. )

Day Three, or: When Stoney Lost Her Damn Mind At Book of Mormon, The Musical. But first, the Cloisters! )

My flight was delayed by an hour and a half, so I spent a long time at the airport reading and people watching, then had a neighbor on my flight back. RANDOM? BUT NOW: I am getting the shakes from lack of breakfast and racing to type this up, so here I'll stop and divert the rest of my energies into the HDJM reviews of the shows.

IN SUMMATION: GREAT TRIP WAS GREAT. I love my friends. The End.
I read a fic last night that was really sweet, and evidently the writer's first piece of fanfic. Think about your first fanfic. I am so ashamed of mine, just crap. This story is not, it's a sweet look at Kurt deciding to take that next step and being mature about it (talking with Burt, Blaine) so go encourage a new writer to keep at it, because if this is her first? Just imagine where she'll go. *unicorn farts a rainbow*

(I confess to being selfish in the recs I've been putting up - I want quality fic to come out, and boy, is that lacking most of the time in Glee fandom. Mostly because writers are young, inexperienced, whatever. Quantity is preferred over quality. Boo. ENCOURAGE GOOD WRITING, PEOPLE. Esp. when characters are IN character. You can be AU and still in character, kids.)

But I have been having a case of the blahs for the past two days about this STOOPID BOOK I am trying to write. Under here so the vast majority can scroll past the former-Mormon whining about my CRAY-CRAY upbringing and licked cupcake analogies )

I think instead of working on that stuff I might retool the Mormon missionary fic and repost it, since I deleted my Insanejournal account where it was stored. IDK, I'm moody today.
I'm going through my family's records (and I can't tell you how freaking thrilling it is to find old journal entries from my g-g-g-grandfather detailing his immigration to the US and then his emigration to Utah - JOURNALS ARE NEAT-O) and just found a very interesting and no doubt intentional series of blanks in the 1870 and 1880 Census records.

No wife listed officially, even though his first wife had been dutifully recorded (Emma, age --, born in England, keeping house) for the two censuses prior.

Then, the 1890 census show Emma again, but then there's this lady (Martha, 55) that turns up. And the next census (these are official census records, btw) have Emma missing. She's not dead at this time. This is also the period when Thomas went to jail for being a polygamist. They paid $100 to get him out, and he wrote that he served his time for The Lord. but when Utah was trying to pretend they weren't polygamous anymore (1890s) both wives are back on the census. (I need to borrow my dad's church ID # so I can check all of the SOOPER SEKRIT temple records for the evidence I need to show the polygamous marriage records, though.)

IDK, I just think it's interesting. I do love Emma's final dig at the situation in death, though. She got her proper place in death, if not in the house )

And fellow ExMos (or Mos) will get a kick out of this: I found his temple record of getting his "Second Calling." Meaning, no matter what, he gets his own planet. My religion passed out WORLDS, what did yours pass out, Watchtowers and WWJD bracelets? PFFT.

I might have to bring my old Book of Mormon to have the cast autograph it I JUST MIGHT.

ALSO, EVEN SWEETER: I'm going with [livejournal.com profile] flaming_muse IT JUST GETS BETTER. So Jan 9th, any NYC peeps, wanna grab a drink and have fun? BECAUSE OH HEY I'LL BE IN MANHATTAN.
As in Zion Nat'l Park. And I wore it to my dentist appointment today, my very BYU/Provo dentist. She forgets I'm not Mormon. My husband was in before me, and I hopped up in my seat, got my bib and mouth sucker/gagger going and she beamed at me and said, "[The Mr.] isn't a member, right? That's too bad, he'd make a great Mormon."

She remembered a little later, laughed at herself and said, "I didn't mean... Just... you know. He's so nice." If I hadn't been silenced by the tools I would have said,

"Oh, you mean he seems like a square-jawed, charming misogynistic homophobe? That's nice." LOL. But I didn't, I just laughed until the vacuum thingy almost gagged me. SORRY WE DON'T WANT YOUR PYRAMID SCHEME MACARONI AND JELLO CASSEROLE LIFESTYLE, THANKS. But she's a good dentist.

Who's watching Vampire Diaries? I ask because I've got a new writer taking Vampire Diaries on, and you might be super happy about it. :) Maybe you click like or +1 or leave a comment, IDK, just offering some suggestions. Ha.

also up: Top Chef: Just Desserts (Sally is hilarious) and Glee: Rumors with a very naughty cocktail recipe for you, the Harvey Pagebanger. As in congressional pages. I am broken, did you forget?

Oh, and there will be a Glee recap on Sunday so everything flows in time for the new season on Tuesday night, that will be Prom Queen. :) Jersey Shore (LINK HERE WHEN IT'S POSTED) will be up in a few hours, my dentist tied me up with wanting to share with me the most amazing book (it has so many awesome parts, it's all about America a long long time ago.)
#2 and I were up last night watching Glee (prepping for today's recap) and laughing our butts off at certain scenes. I kinda love my long limbed lady, I have to tell you. She's just funny. Then we watched some Children's Hospital, and if you've not watched that, you are missing EVERYTHING I THINK IS FUNNY IN ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. Seriously, that has everything in it that I find hilarious. (And it's kind of how I imagine Stallioncrest turning out.)

Then we ate cookies and she painted her nails and we talked about boys and why she thinks they've not picked up on her awesome yet (I'm in no hurry for them to figure it out, let me tell you) and I just love how together she is. The most confident and secure in herself person I know, adult or otherwise. I feel pretty lucky.

So yesterday we had a load of dental trips, and the front desk lady - who I like, and it's not just because we know each other fairly well after all of these years - asked me about my "new website," because when The Mr. was there earlier in the week, he evidently was bragging about HDJM (aww) to her and saying she should read the recaps there.

EVERYONE AT MY DENTISTS OFFICE IS MORMON. If the cocktail recipes don't turn them off, the eff bombs, gay sex commentary and my Book of Mormon the Musical review should do it. (head desk.) LOL. We go back on Wed., I'll see if they ask us to find a new dentist then, I guess.

SPEAKING OF INAPPROPRIATE THINGS, today's Glee recap, for "Bad Reputation" has my most favorite thing they've done yet, the "Run Joey Run" video. Plus, the cocktail is the Blonde Lohan, and it's up to you if you want to put powdered sugar on the rim. (Can Jaegermeister be redeemed? Short answer: YES. As long as you don't drink too many of these.)

Oh, last thing! I mentioned [livejournal.com profile] flaming_muse's awesome Kurt/Blaine fic, and the last chapter went up today [chpt 1 linked at top of that page, btw] I AM NOT JOKING WHEN I SAY IT'S ONE OF THE GREATS. It's fluffy, but not cloying. There is actual character development, excellent writing, and you should go read it.
This is uh-may-zing. Harry Potter mash-up with "Hello!" from The Book of Mormon the Musical.

JUST MADE MY DAY. I love that Hermione "cut" her hair short, too. LOL. (Snape FTW!) [ETA] Equus!! How to Succeed! A Very Potter Musical! OH MY GOD, WATCH OVER AND OVER.
And that a bunch of land-locked Jews made submarines and sailed to America where there were bees, horses, and they made roads with re bar and wrote on golden plates. Yes, I'm mocking myself for having been Mormon, good times.

You can read my reviews of the Book of Mormon: The Musical's soundtrack here. You'll never hear a more beautiful voice sing about how "soon life won't be so... shitty!" than in this soundtrack. GOOD TIMES.


Yesterday saw our biggest spike in hits yet, 1400 in one day - not too shabby for not advertising, right? Most popular links are the Game of Thrones recaps and Sam's Thor review, because we're awesome and hilarious and Sam uses pictures.

OK. Yesterday, in between running like a chicken sans head, I finally sat and read the Sweet Valley Confidential book. WOW, IS IT SHITTY! Like, Francine Pascal has MASSIVE contempt for her own characters. I'm totally going to recap the book because it's delightful in a bad-fic sort of way. Character assassination like gang busters.

I have an audition today that I'm really wishing I'd not agreed to do, because I'm just not feeling it any more. Auditions blow, in case you didn't know that. Also, I'm getting too old for this shit - trying to disguise crow's feet and my own tiredness is exhausting. First World problems, waaaah. Hahaha.

OH! The end of the world is this Saturday! [livejournal.com profile] dovil, because of GST, you'll be taken out first, so I expect some Ace reporting to give me an idea of when my last 18 hours will start. I plan on eating all the foods ever and shooting random people in their butts. I mean, why not?
For those who watch Big Love and want to discuss it, my review (and insight) is up at Hey, Don't Judge Me. :) I mention in that review that I think some of the writers of the show might be following this blog, because they hit on the whole "pyramid scheme" layout of the LDS church that I've been saying for a few years, now.

My husband, who travels every week for his job, was told to get to the airport THREE hours early today, because of all of the Super Bowl travelers. And that was for the "Preferred" status flyers (he's that obnoxious guy that zips ahead of you because he has "priority seating." Hey, you go through airports as much as he does and they try and cut you some slack.) Regular schleps were cautioned to get there four to five hours early. DAMN. That's when a Kindle is great, I'm just saying.

The kids went back to school today after almost a week off due to bad weather. Except for #2, as the school had a busted water main this morning, and classes were pushed back until 12. I just want my quiet mornings back, is that so wrong??

I started up a new workout program today, TurboFire, one of the Beachbody/P90X workouts. Holy frijoles, it is an ass kicker. It's mostly because I am NOT good with choreography, and this is one of those "dance based" workouts, and it's crazy fast paced. I did a lot of jumping jacks when I missed the "knee cross elbow elbow cross cross KICK!" steps. Fortunately I was able to laugh at myself, and push through. Hopefully I won't be such a cotton-headed ninny muggins for the next 16 weeks.

I really, really want a brownie, but I promised myself that I would be super healthy for these first 5 days, to kick start my metabolism, which has slowed to a crawl. Bathing suit weather is around the corner, yo, not to mention my cross-country road trip to amazing American hikes. Hummus and bell peppers it is, then. =/

I had, like, four things I wanted to post about today, and I'm too fried to think of them. Durr.
And it should be obvious that I'm talking about TLC's Sister Wives, the REALITY SHOW about POLYGAMISTS. I mean, come on <00 say like Jimmy from South Park. Brief commentary about them, under a cut in case stating the obvious is "spoilery." :D Why are the guys always creepy? Why? )

Because [livejournal.com profile] flaming_muse is so awesome and had some great ideas for me, I'm all jazzed up for writing today. I need to get off the kitchen table chairs because they hurt my butt for long bouts of writing, one, and two, the cats like to do that thing cats do where they sneak up behind you and gradually push you off the chair, claiming it in the name of Feline. Also, I need to rethink my subtitle, because "An Insider's blah blah" and "How I blah blah'd and finally blah'd" is played out.

It was 51 degrees this morning. Tonight is venison stew and a bottle of red. YAY.

OH. AND I FORGOT TO MENTION. Last Thursday marked the 1,000,000th hit on the first portion of the Sparkledammerung. (The others are languishing around 500,000 ish, with the 4th at @750,000 hits.) DUDE. I'm internet popular. Just in time for my high school reunion!! Lol.
Um, basically I'm wanting to make a joke work and want to be sure I'm not painting myself into a corner. I NEED TO BE INFORMED ON THE FOLLOWING:

QUESTION: was it common in 5th and 6th century writings (or heck, 3rd or 4th centuries) to write a TITLE PAGE? Like, the Greek writers and famed writers of the Middle East, etc. etc. did or did not typically include a TITLE PAGE?*

DEFINITION: this would be a multi-paragraphed summation of what the reader was about to experience/read/learn. Also included is the caveat that if there are any mistakes or errors in fact in the tome, it's the fault of the compiler?

My tongue is firmly in cheek, in case that was in question. But I do want to be reminded of writing rules back in the day, should anyone care to wax poetic or prosaic.

[ETA] I should mention that the alleged title page of the book to which I am referring was written originally on solid gold pages, and collected with d-ring binders of an ancient design. Um, I'm not making that up, that's what is claimed. O_O


Sep. 9th, 2010 10:01 am
Because it is not 1,000,000 degrees outside I get to go out and jog in it! No more jumping jacks in my house, yay. More tornadoes last night to the point of my kids breaking down in hysterics. We were truly in no danger, but try telling hormonal teens that. Oy.

And I don't normally do this sort of thing because I usually get so frustrated by other people's ability to not be hamstrung by writer's block, but I knocked out 11,500 in word count yesterday (on articles for an upcoming project and in revisions for my book.) While my knees hated me sitting so long, the rest of me was quite pleased. I did have to do some research from a HATEFUL book, and I cut and pasted for your pleasure a paragraph from said book that outlines how you can sin. And as you would expect, it's quite long and somewhat lulzy. )

I have to go buy some "sensible work shoes" for a shoot tomorrow morning as I realized that I don't own any. I have my Birks and I have as [livejournal.com profile] elizah_jane calls them, Barbie Shoes. I guess caregivers in Nursing Homes don't wear Jessica Simpson platform peekaboo red leather heels, huh? WELL THEY SHOULD.

Top Chef last night made me want to eat all the Singapore food there is in the world. All of it. Jersey Shore tonight, yo! WITH CAT FIGHT, mreow!
It'll make sense in a minute. So, in doing rewrites, I'm punching up a little section about how Mormons aren't really Christians and why (because of how they view Christ as their literal brother and how any good Mormon can become a god, God was once a Mormon guy on another planet, etc. etc.) and remembered a story of when I learned in church how Jesus... came about. Ahem. Poll time!

[Poll #1614124]

So! This'll be fun to find out about. I remember it being VERY WEIRD that this old man was telling us all this story on the traditional "Christmas story" day of church. I was freaked out. Then he started crying, and honestly, that freaked me out more, how "beautiful" it was that this virgin was consummating her love of her god in such a way.

HOW ABOUT GOD JUST CRACKS HIS HEAD OPEN LIKE ZEUS DID THAT ONE TIME? A lot less trouble, imo. Boy Kitteh (Smudge) is perched on my shoulder awaiting your reply.

[ETA] Oh, and as always, please feel free to comment with why you voted the way you did, etc. etc. Discussion is the word of the day today!
There's a book that has been on my radar to read since I divorced my first husband and left Utah, back in late '97. The book only came out 5 years ago, but her story? Well, everyone that lived in Utah "knew" her story and knew a book was coming. But good hell, the conditioning was deep and I thought I already knew the answers, which was the point of her book. I just read it last night. Leaving The Saints, by Martha Nibley Beck. Heads up about the book: she claims sexual abuse and talks to other abuse survivors in detail, so if that's upsetting to you, there's your fair warning. I'll refer to her claims in the end of the post, but there won't be any deep discussion about abuse, mm'kay?

Unless you've grown up in Jonestown, you can't know how all-consuming that life is. It's not like any other organized religion out there. Loooong-winded discussion under the cut. )

While I applaud Martha's coming forward about something that had to be excruciating to deal with, I did find some aspects of her book to be... forced for writerly tension. It doesn't take away much from the story, but it does leave room for detractors to say, "See? She said their house was blue, and it was green! Ergo, we cannot believe any of her lies!" She presents conversations with fellow Mormons as if she doesn't know some of the arcane beliefs. Her father was the leading "expert" on those beliefs, AND she was a professor at BYU AND from one of the older LDS families. That bugged me. If anything, it's making me go back over my own manuscript and make sure I'm being completely truthful, and when I'm being purposely obtuse for comedic effect, it's obvious. Her book is the first of all of the ex-Mormon books I've read that doesn't sound like Testimony meeting, however. There are a handful of you that know what I mean by that. :) She still does, but her writing doesn't, if that makes sense. (By that I mean her "overwhelming love" for her father, the way she still bows to him as her patriarch even though he was an abuser and poor excuse for a father to her and her 7 siblings. That's pure Mormon culture.)

Guys, I wish I could just let it all go and forget that this was ever a part of my life. But it made me who I am, and it's not all bad. My crochet and canning skills and my apocalypse pantry are proof of that. :)
I failed to post this story last week. FAILED. You know who also failed? The club owner for once again having me be the one person that didn't get recorded (WTF, Phil?) and for telling me I'd be going 4th, then the emcee calling me to go up FIRST as I'm sliding a chicken nacho in my mouth. Uh... *chews super fast as I bound up on stage* Meh. Oh, and if you're guessing that I came in second AGAIN, then you guessed correctly. I'm not performing in June because I'll be out of town, and also because I'm a little bummed by how I perceive I'm being treated. They know me, they know I'll perform, and I kinda feel like I'm filler while they try and get new folks in. Meh. HOWEVER. This is one of my all time great stories, so screw it, this is funny. And completely indicative of life in Utah, btw.

[NOTE: This is an excerpt from my -unpublished- book. The story I told at the club was filled with I KNOW!s and bug-eyed facial expressions. And a jalapeƱo in my teeth, I'm sure. Also, there's a running gag in the book about the constant "testimonies" that Mormons are pressed into giving - that means you have to testify that the church is true, Joseph Smith is the most awesome prophet ever, and you wrap it up with "In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen." So I say that last bit as a joke a lot. In case you're wondering what the hell that's doing in the story. We in the biz call that a "joke."]

Way back in the early 90s when I was going to college in Utah, there was a boy... )

Ha ha. I still love that story, even though I hate that story. What an ass.

IN OTHER NEWS: I have to buy a dress today for the wedding that I probably will be late for and ruin everything, because that's what I do. Also, my MiL mentioned that this wedding is a "very casual affair in a garden, so [I] might want to wear pants or something." That makes me think this is a formal affair with people in tuxes and tails and I'll be like Bridget Jones showing up at a Vixen and Vicars party in a sex outfit while everyone else is dressed for church. SO A NICE DRESS IT IS, THEN.

Pro tip: it's always better to be OVER dressed than UNDER. Which is why I am always wearing tiaras and silk, even in the garden. I'm actually doing something I shouldn't, which is looking for a dress to match my adorable shoes: 4.25" stacked peekaboo heels with tan leather on the heel and toe (with a buckle) and navy and white stripes on the shoe. THEY ARE SO CUTE. A nice barrel-shaped leather clutch with a coordinating buckle would be aces. But I'm sure that doesn't exist simply because I would like it.

(And when did I become THIS girl? Eh, I've always loved heels. And my 18 year old Birks. I HAVE LAYERS.)

Lastly, if anyone wanted to buy me these amazing outdoor benches, I would not turn them down. In case you were wanting to buy me something, I didn't want you to scramble for ideas. I'm nice like that.


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