So here's what I did today. May I remind you that I am a grown-ass woman. I bought: silver lamè red, cobalt blue, and purple satin, and a Pucci-like print. Not to mention a string of faux pearls, faux fur, and a variety of large "jewels" that are sticky on the back. And pieces of leather, and other fabrics.

Why? To make a wardrobe for toy horses, of course. I MEAN, NATURALLY, RIGHT? [turbans, dressing gowns, smoking jackets, naughty lingerie, peasant vests. FOR HORSE TOYS.] Omg, I should not be this excited. I looked around for a toy pageboy cap (because Skidoodle is Oirish, don' cha ken?) but realized I'm going to have to make one. And while I searched I realized that there is actually a world of women out there that do this stuff UNIRONICALLY. Like, they just enjoy dressing up their toys and COMPETING. Competing.

Not young girls, GROWN WOMEN. I promise I will not turn into that. I promise.

But look at this cad! This bastard! This wealthy playboy that gets what he wants, when he wants it, and right now he wants to force Fancy Face Von Linestock to marry him and give him babies! ahahahahahahahaha )

Oh, Ransom, how many fillies hearts will you break before your lust is ever sated?
YOU READ THAT CORRECTLY. So I'm killing time while helping a family member and [livejournal.com profile] ethrosdemon sent me this video. (SERIOUSLY. GO WATCH IT. Men Figure Skating RAP.)

And naturally I began imagining the Wu Tang Clan with they 40s and they Desert Es watchin this mofo up in hurr when them Slingblade Bay City Balla Bitchez come up thu club and they's like, "Pshht, Lysacek ain't got no game, Plushenko be tha one leavin with dat Big G, foo!"

And RZA be all pullin out his 9, sayin shit like, "This is MEN'S Figga Skatin, SON. Betta reckanize, mothafucka! Lysacek'll toe pick yo ASS, bitch."

And they be all gettin up in they faces, lickin' they lips like they LL or suh'n and Ghostface Killa points at them punk ass fools with his chin, all, "Whatchu gone do? Huh? I show you what a triple lutz is, motha fucka! Bes' protect yo NECK!"

Method Man popped up behind his boys, punchin he-self in tha head. "Right, right? Rightright?" Them other boys start to back they asses down. "I can do this all day, mother fucka!" Method Man jus kept on hittin heself like he crazy, "Plushenko is a mother fucka, he be all wobbly and shit pullin in them bitch scores, you bes' get yo head right!"

The GZA made a face and waved his hand at them kids. "Tchuh, y'all bes' sit yoselves down and learn from the motha fuckin master. It ain't all about fuckin triples and quads, bitch ass butt bitch, it's about puttin on a mothafuckin show. Boy's got some crazy mad skillz. He's mothafuckin Michael on Ice."

They all took a moment of silence for the King of mothafuckin pop, then the RZA starts beat boxing a smoov groove and Ghostface came in on top of that shit:

"Figga what? Figga-figga figga-figga please!
Evan's floatin' on the ice with the greatest of ease
Takin out bitchez, takin' out ho's
bringin' perfect scores everywhere that he goes.
Y'all say he be frontin some say he's a bitch
I fuckin' breakin' yo face with a little TOE PICK."


Fuckin' ice skatin' all up in this bitch. (Zambonies? How do they work? <-- MIRACLES, THAT'S HOW.)

[....

All I can say in my own defense is that I unleashed this on you and not the Twilight/Juggalo parody that I've been writing since last night. YOU'RE WELCOME. (Um, it's Breaking Dawn, totally mocking the "Miracles" video because OH MY GOD that is still making me laugh whenever I hear "fuckin magnets, how do they work?") OH AND HOW GHOSTS AND UFOS ARE MIRACLES. LOL x forever.]
Inspired by this thread with the ever delightful [livejournal.com profile] slasheuse. Any mistakes (including a failure to include a Croydon facelift on Bella) are all hers. I mean, mine. Ha ha ha. I'm heading out for the airport in a few hours, so be good everyone! I need all of my expendable cash for my own bail money, so I can't help you this weekend. :D

Note: a few dirty words here and there, if you don't know what a chav is, think Da Ali G, Vicky Pollard, or Lauren "I ain't bovvered." Or take a Jersey Shore person and plunk them in England, listen to the dialect change. :) Also see: Snatch, which is one of my favorite movies of all time.

[ETA] If you'd like to listen, this story is now a podcast.

Before we begin, I like to imagine our lovers this way...



It's Twilite, Innit? )
I needed some levity after a stressful week. I also need to get rid of some outdated furniture that is taking up precious space in my house. I also have a deep need to write parody songs. A DEEP NEED. And so I've been rewriting classic songs to work into a Craigslist posting for this stuff I'm getting rid of. This is my brain on drugs. By which I mean air. (Pfft, I'm totally addicted to air, I won't even lie.)

Old Man by Neil Young; what am I selling? A bench. )

The Pina Colada song by Rupert Holmes; what am I selling? Office furniture. )

Teach Your Children by Crosby, Stills and Nash; what am I selling? A Steck console [piano] )

See? It's not all Srs Bznss here. I also got some new head shots taken for my agency and I'm am well pleased with the exception that I have no idea how to wear stage makeup anymore. I'm such a tom boy. I need to sit in a chair and have a professional teach me how to slap some paint on again. We're all still wearing blue eye shadow and Dr. Pepper lipsmackers, right? Lol. I also took one with a wonky eye because I don't know how to be serious. Also, I'm a character actress, dammit. Give me the crazy part every time!
So this is based on a conversation in [livejournal.com profile] ethrosdemon's journal and went from there, because she encourages me to do bad things. Based on my fannon of the Sparkleverse (aka Twilight) and the Sookie Stackhouse books. Heads up, there are (obviously) spoilers for some story lines under the cut. Guys, if you didn't realize that the Cullens were Mormon and those books are a subconscious missionary call from SMeyer, here's your clue. :)

Note: this is me typing into a window. There could be random errors. It's LJ, not my dissertation at Cambridge, dig me? *G* Crack ahoy-hoy!

Epistolary Story of the Cullens clan reaching out to the vampires of Fangtasia, aka Sookie-verse, aka True Blood [kinda] )
Yeah, you read that right. This just hit me this morning, so while I drank my coffee and turned MSNBC to a dull roar, this came out. (I'm leaving early in the morning for NYC, so I won't be around until Monday. Have a good weekend, everyone!)

Title: Northern Lights.
Who?: Sarah/Edward, General Audiences
Huh?: What if Edward had tried love before Bella?
What?: A series of letters from Edward to the woman who holds his esteem and ardor.

To Sarah, my beloved, dulcet darling... )
I just realized that I most likely will not be able to post this tomorrow, EntreNous's official birthday, as I anticipate being smacked out on the bed with pain killers. Whooo! Ahem. Since she's my biggest cheerleader for this tail, (wah waaah) I dedicate the soapiest chapter to her. Um, I know this isn't the best gift, but I can't guarantee an autograph from NB or a personal phone call. (Can you imagine??) So I give you: Dynasty with Horses! (Side note, the "everything Dynasty" page is www.shoulderpads.net, ahahaha!!) <3

Title: The Edge of Neight, aka StallionCrest 7/8 (As the Stall Turns? Days of our Rides? General Horsepital?)
Author: Stoney
Rating: PG-13/All Audiences (if you watch TV soaps, you're good)
Summary: Did Fancy drown? Did Skidoodle perform a flawless half-gainer? Did Top O'The Line start drinking again? Will Ransom Paycheck be able to stud again? Tune in and find out!
Warnings: DID I MENTION THIS WAS A SOAP OPERA ABOUT HORSES? There will be: Kidnappings! Spanish! Amnesia! Deserted Islands! Evil twin cousins! Cold, cruel stares as the camera fades to black! Intense looks! Burros! Thesaurus abuse! Loads of adjectives! A beautiful and meticulously made banner so you can get a visual! Ahaha.

Chapters: One Two Three Four Five Six

Click for the banner and theme song, or skip below to go straight to the story )

It was a dark and stormy night, the ocean tossed and turned, and somewhere, a forgotten mule cried out in anguish... )

ILUENTRENOUS! I'll "see" you all Monday with tales of Red Carpet splendor!
Look. I get that y'all either aren't interested in a horse sopa opera, or the jokes aren't hitting you, or you're super interested in all the draaaaaaaaaama of LJ. But dammit, this fic makes me snort milk out of my nose from laughing, and so? I post. Also, the Mexican soccer announcer joke from the last chapter is one of the funniest jokes I've ever written. I even got to work in (legitimately!) a "meanwhile, back at the ranch" joke. WHATEVER PEOPLE. *plays with dolls alone, so very alone* Ahaha. Ha.

Title: The Edge of Neight, aka StallionCrest 6/8 (As the Stall Turns? Days of our Rides? General Horsepital? The Colt and the Beautiful?)
Author: Stoney
Rating: PG-13/All Audiences (if you watch TV soaps, you're good)
Summary: Who is the horse in black?! What happened to Ransom? Is he paralyzed? Did Fancy ruin her handmade Vera Wang, crystal studded wedding dress? Did any of you get the bridle bridal joke? Are you even reading this sentence?
Warnings: DID I MENTION THIS WAS A SOAP OPERA ABOUT HORSES? There will be: Kidnappings! Spanish! Amnesia! Deserted Islands! Evil twins! Cold, cruel stares as the camera fades to black! Intense looks! Burros! Thesaurus abuse! Loads of adjectives! A beautiful and meticulously made banner so you can get a visual! Ahaha.

Chapters: One Two Three Four Five

Click for the banner and theme song, or skip below to go straight to the story )

We left off with Ransom taking a crowbar to the spine, an illicit donkey/thoroughbred affair resulting in a missing mule, a kidnapped bride and a horse in black. Can there be more drama for our heroes and villains? Click to find out, zomg! )
It's making me laugh. And like... two other people. Whatever, y'all. I have written maybe the best joke of my LIFE in this chapter. I <3 soap operas. haha.

Title: The Edge of Neight, aka StallionCrest 5/8 (As the Stall Turns? Days of our Rides? General Horsepital?)
Author: Stoney
Rating: PG-13/All Audiences (if you watch TV soaps, you're good)
Summary: The Wedding! Intrigue! Spanish mourning from a tender-hearted burro! A MAN IN BLACK!
Feedback: Yes, please! Oh, I thought that said feed BAG. I like those.
Warnings: DID I MENTION THIS WAS A SOAP OPERA ABOUT HORSES? There will be: Kidnappings! Spanish! Amnesia! Deserted Islands! Evil twins! Cold, cruel stares as the camera fades to black! Intense looks! Burros! Thesaurus abuse! Loads of adjectives! A beautiful and meticulously made banner so you can get a visual! Ahaha.

Chapters: One Two Three Four


Click for the banner and theme song, or skip below to go straight to the story )

We left off with Skidoodle admitting his dark past, Top O'The Line's scheming and fretting, Clover 'Sandy-ing' it up for Justin Time, and Fancy hoping for a reprieve. Will she get it? Click to find out, zomg! )
If you're allergic to humor, I'll need to see a doctor's note, mm'kay?

Title: The Edge of Neight, aka StallionCrest 4/8
Author: Stoney
Rating: PG-13/All Audiences (if you watch TV soaps, you're good)
Summary:Clover wants Justin. Justin wants Stormy. Stormy wants Skidoodle. Skidoodle wants Fancy. Ransom Paycheck wants Fancy! Fancy wants to be free! Top O'The Line wants to get to Mordor and destroy the One Ring... wait. *whinny*
Feedback: Yes, please! Oh, I thought that said feed BAG. I like those.
Warnings: DID I MENTION THIS WAS A SOAP OPERA ABOUT HORSES? There will be: amnesia! Deserted Islands! Evil twins! Cold, cruel stares as the camera fades to black! Intense looks! Burros! Thesaurus abuse! Loads of adjectives! Throw backs to General Horsepital, All My Children and my favorite, Days of Our Lives! Ahahaha.

Chapters: One Two Three


Click for the banner and theme song, or skip below to go straight to the story )

We last left with Clover wanting to slut it up to win the horse of her dreams, Top O'The Line visiting a MYSTERIOUS SOMEONE in a ramshackle shed, Ransom and Skidoodle in a testosterone-off, and Fancy being beautiful, wanted, and all alone. So alone. And now... The Edge Of Neight - Part 4. )
This is going up every day while I finish/work on my other fics. Aren't you all so happy about it!? *crickets*

Title: The Edge of Neight, aka StallionCrest 3/8
Author: Stoney
Rating: PG-13/All Audiences (if you watch TV soaps, you're good)
Summary: Things are peaceful at the ranch until a good-for-nothing show horse joins the herd and destroys the plans already laid in place. Or is he there to free an untamed heart? *whinny*
Feedback: Yes, please! It's like a nosebag full of delicious oats and a good rub down after a hard ride. [/implication to your inference].
Warnings: DID I MENTION THIS WAS A (clean) SOAP OPERA ABOUT HORSES? There will be: comas! Deserted Islands! Evil twins! Cold, cruel stares as the camera fades to black! Intense looks! Burros! Thesaurus abuse! Loads of adjectives! Also: I do not support use of Premarin or abusing circus horses or stereotyping burros. Carry on. :D

Chapters: One Two

Click for the banner and theme song, or skip below to go straight to the story )

The Edge Of Neight - Part 3. Check the rating: PG-13 )
Inspired by some... AMAZING bad!fic I read today, and to cheer up [livejournal.com profile] dancetomato. (And secretly to make everyone laugh. Come on. Bad!fic is AWESOME. This is what happens when I'm bored.) Let's take a trope and make it fic of the OOC/AU variety!

Title: Spikerella, a Love Story For the Ages
Author: Stoney
Fandom: OOC/AU BtVS fic (because let's face it: it's a fandom of its own now, isn't it?)
Warnings: Check your brain at the door. Abuse of "little one," misspelt character names, weeping men, girlification of Spike, and there are two benevolent toads within.
A/N: Also, apologies to Monty Python for taking a reference and sticking it in here. Heh.
Gracious Slave-like Love: To Kita0610 for being the original coiner of the term "Little One." ;)

*sprinkles magic fairy dust on you!* )
It's important to know a few things: 1) I'm not right in the head. 2) re-read #1. 3) this is just some good, clean fun. 4) I can't stay serious for long. 5) the hypotenuse squared, c2, is equal to the sum of the two sides a2 and b2. (Ha, caught my wonky wording, Sal!)

There is now artwork (under the cut) and a theme song! Borrowed, but nonetheless. :D

Title: The Edge of Neight, aka Stallion Crest 2/8
Author: Stoney
Rating: PG/All Audiences/No goats, they're assholes.
Summary: Things are peaceful at the ranch until a good-for-nothing show pony joins the herd and destroys the plans already laid in place. Or is he there to free an untamed heart? *whinny*
Feedback: Yes, please! It's like a nosebag full of delicious oats, or a Not-A-Carrot.
Warnings: DID I MENTION THIS WAS A (clean) SOAP OPERA ABOUT HORSES? There will be: comas! Deserted Islands! Evil twins! Cold, cruel stares as the camera fades to black! Intense looks! Burros! Tears. Tears coursing down my face as I laughed myself sick writing this. Here's to hoping you laugh, too.

Did you miss Part One? THEN YOU MISSED EVERYTHING.


Click for the banner and theme song, or skip below to go straight to the story )

The Edge Of Neight - Part 2. Check the rating: PG )
You're all witnesses. Okay, I got nothing in my house done yesterday because I wrote fic based on the latest wank.

And really, isn't it all one big soap opera? *intense look into the camera during my close-up*

Title: The Edge of Neight, aka Stallioncrest 1/8
Author: Stoney
Rating: PG/All Audiences/No goats, they're assholes.
Summary: Things are peaceful at the ranch until a good-for-nothing show horse joins the herd and destroys the plans already laid in place. Or is he there to free an untamed heart? *whinny*
Feedback: Yes, please! It's like a nosebag full of delicious oats, or a Not-A-Carrot.
Warnings: DID I MENTION THIS WAS A (clean) SOAP OPERA ABOUT HORSES? There will be: comas! Deserted Islands! Evil twins! Cold,cruel stares as the camera fades to black! Intense looks! Burros! Tears. Tears coursing down my face as I laughed myself sick writing this. Here's to hoping you laugh, too. And note: I'm making fun of tropes that exist in soap operas, including, er, racial stereotypes to put it bluntly. The short bus version: I'm making fun of their blatant racism/stupidity, capice?


Click here for the banner and theme song, or click below to dive right in )


The Edge Of Neight - NOT DIRTY. Check the rating: PG )

(If you don't know what Dressage is, here's a video. I swear, one of the announcers is Alan Rickman...)
So, [livejournal.com profile] tkp and I have been cackling with crack-filled glee all day long, and this is the result of her prompt in [livejournal.com profile] entrenous88's journal (who gave me permission to run like the wind with this. Because she's SMART. I am so broken inside.)

"Spike the Pirate who captures the ship with Connor in it, Connor is being shipped off because his father is forcing him to get married, and Connor's dowry went to the highest bidder, and now Spike the Pirate's waylaid it, but found that the greatest treasure of all is Connor himself."

So, um... this is what she gets. With apologies to The Princess Bride, Barry White, Joss Whedon, and your brains. Also, blatant abuse of "Winken Blinken and Nod" ahead. Your childhood memories are at stake.

Author: *sigh* Stoney
Title: Connor and The Pyrate Spoike
Rated: Arrrrr. (No, really. R.)
Pairings: Connor/Spike (with Liam overtones. THIS IS CRACK, people!)
Summary: Pirates. Dowries. (Dowrys?) Pirate cabin smex. Connor OOC. Spike OOC. Shit, they're ALL OOC. Yarrrr!

Here There Be Pyrates and Crack Fic )
Merciful Zeus. I ain't right.

Title: Well, Why On Earth Do You Think They Called Him The "Jolly" Green Giant?
Author: Stoney
Pairing/Rating: Jolly Green Giant/Incredible Hulk, PG with innuendo
A/N: I like the overwhelmingly ridiculous idea of referring to myself as an "author" for this. Hahahahaha! GOOD GOD, THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT IS FROM THE VALLEY, HELLO!
250 words. 250 very wrong words.

No, really. What is WRONG with me?? )
So, think Falcon's Crest meets Dallas and the Dukes of Hazaard, and throw them in West Texas in the rodeo circuit. That about sums this up. Pure crack, all fun, don't be shy. Written for the Gud Summries ficafunathingathon, the masterlist is HERE, and newly updated!

Title: I Gave My Soul To Jesus, But I Left My Heart For You, 2/?
Author: Stoney
Pairing/Rating: Buffy, Spike, possibly others. PG-13 fer cussin' and swearin' and stompin' by horse flesh on tender girl legs
Summary (heh): Based on the gud summries: "Buffy was a yound [sic] and promising Barrel Racer. Then she had an accident. Spike was a young and promising Bull Rider. Then he met Buffy." Yep. That pretty much sums it up.
A/N: Sit by a campfire when the doggies are done howling, get the cooky to hum a tune on his harmonica, and let my Texas narrator tell you a tale of promise, heartbreak, and a woman scorned. Get a'long, little doggies. This is the very embodiment of crack!fic. Hallelujah and pass the hooch. Also: =& is a spur, and % is a horse's ass, which I may have made of myself.)

I Gave My Soul To Jesus, But I Left My Heart For You )
I'm spamming, I know. Told ya so. But this gave me more fun writing than... well, maybe "Lubed: The Musical." Doff those serapes, shut off yer propane tanks, and grab a longneck. For the Gud Summries Ficafunathingathon. (masterlist link)

Title:I Gave My Soul To Jesus, But I Left My Heart For You, 1/?
Author: Stoney
Pairing/Rating: Buffy, Spike/PG-13 fer cussin' and swearin' and stompin' by horse flesh on tender girl legs
Summary (heh): Based on the gud summries: "Buffy was a yound [sic] and promising Barrel Racer. Then she had an accident. Spike was a young and promising Bull Rider. Then he met Buffy." Yep. That pretty much sums it up.
A/N: Sit by a campfire when the doggies are done howling, get the cooky to hum a tune on his harmonica, and let my Texas narrator tell you a tale of promise, heartbreak, and a woman scorned. Get a long, little doggies. This is the very embodiment of crack!fic. Hallelujah and pass the hooch. Also: =& is a spur, and % is a horse's ass, which I may have made of myself.)

I Gave My Soul To Jesus, But I Left My Heart For You )
Heads up: today is going to be a bit spammy from me. I have fic to post and the master list for the Gud Summries Ficafunathingathon, so it may seem like I'm making up for lost time. Which I am. :)

First entry (I somehow managed to sign up for TWO fics, both of which I forgot about until yesterday, whoops!) is from the prompt: "Buffy goes to fat camp." I offer my submission in the form of haiku.

Buffy Goes To Fat Camp: Haiku )
Except [livejournal.com profile] kita0610 first used "Little One." But dammit, I'm the first that actually shrunk the bastard, then jammed him up Angel's ass. *sniffs* It's (technically not anymore, but the earth and time zones are working AGAINST me) [livejournal.com profile] dovil's birthday! And she looks fantastic for 84, no really. Spry, still has all her teeth... She only eats canned cat food for the FLAVOR, not because it's just easier to "pass" if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

I have met the lovely birthday girl. Have gone on a whirlwind excursion with her, actually, and she has held my hair when I've party fouled. The nimrod sent ME a gift this weekend and it's HER birthday! (D? The cds are GREAT and I've already started flipping through the book. Not reading it, mind, just flipping. What? It's been hot and it makes a good fan!) so in return I have what she really wants: out of control silly fic that takes the piss out of fandom, or as I call it: the flist thinner.

Warning: this will clear your sinuses. Let's get to it.

Title: Wee!Spike and The Singing Penis!
Author: Psssh.
Rating: Is there an NC 84?
Summary: In which your hed asplode. Gimmie a break, folks.
Current Temp: 73, and this is the very DEFINITION of crack!fic. ZOMG I'm othering MYSELF.

Last we saw Wee!Spike, he was becoming bionic...

They Keep Pulling Me Back IN!!!! ) And lastly, IT'S LIKE THIS WAS MADE WITH YOU IN MIND, DOVIL!!! Ahahahaha!!!

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