If you know that reference, we're probably related/best friends.

MIA again, but I realized that not everyone migrated to other sites with me, so an update of sorts:

Book 2, Bitter Springs, is coming out on December 3rd. It's an historical PoC M/M, and I got a glowing review from Publisher's Weekly that left me lightheaded with relief. I finally feel like I've truly found my writing voice, and it was a HUGE relief for them to say:

Simple, clean storytelling and an uncomplicated plot keep the story quietly intimate. Stone (The Bones of You) walks the fine line of keeping her protagonists traditionally masculine but never posturingly macho, and they're often vulnerable with each other and gentle with the horses.

There's a free book giveaway going on--five copies up for grabs--and if you click above, you can enter to win one.

When the book is released, I'll be going on a "virtual book tour" to about 25 different book review blogs to talk about the book, and while that may not be your cup of tea, at every "stop" there's yet another chance to win a copy of my book as well as a $25 gift certificate to the Interlude Press store. (The stops will be on my Official Author Page, for those tracking.) Also, there will be a free short story on my page that ties into the Bitter Springs world, a story from the POV of the Mescalero Apache character, and I agonized over writing these two things because I wanted to be respectful to the culture and also have an engaging story for people to read. [deep breath]

Also, remember the short story I wrote years ago about the Mormon missionaries? That's going to be published this coming spring, 2016. :) (Good timing with the recent BS the LDS church just splattered on the world, eh?)

Basically I'm doing everything I can to hustle and make writing a career (there's a lot of stuff I can't talk about yet but I'm super excited for what's to come), and if you want to keep up with me more on the regular, I'm at Tumblr (my goofy, regular ol' me one or my Author Page, which isn't boring I promise, it just doesn't update often) or at my official Author Blog.
So, I'm publishing a book this fall, and it's an older piece of fanfiction that I reworked to be publishable. It's not a case of me "filing off the serial numbers" or just c&p-ing the names, but was a month of me cutting out huge chunks, reimagining all of the characters and their stories, and working that back into the framework. Dialog had to change, situations and locations had to change, too. I'm incredibly proud of how it turned out.

CLICK HERE ON MY HOME PAGE to see the beautiful cover art (it's a wraparound!) and read a few excerpts.

And come noon, CST today, there will be a second post with another excerpt and images of the protagonist, Oliver. (He's super handsome.)

ION, I started Krav Maga lessons yesterday and am sore as hell. I have a massive crush on my instructor, but she's so nice! She gave me all sorts of praise and let me punch and kick her. MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN. Lol.

ION 2, because of the promotions for HDJM's Game of Thrones posts, our readership has grown to the thousands. It's amazing. And everyone has been respectful of the spoiler-phobic. We still manage to have great discussions without ruining the fun.

And we've added Orange Is The New Black (and I'll be recapping The Leftovers once that starts), if you're looking for something to read this summer.
[whispers: Toyota.] <-- I am old.

Hey! There's a new post up at my Pro Site, and since it's Writing Wednesday, we're talking process. We're talking kicking word count's ass. And most importantly, we're talking about doing that while having kids/jobs/worlds collapsing in a blaze of fire all around you.

This ain't yo Daddy's writing blog. It's mine. I mean, it's in the title? Right...

Right in the URL? Me? I can say with 100% conviction that I am not your Daddy.

ION, I saw the cover art for my book and I literally gasped. It's so pretty, you guys. WHEN I CAN SHARE, I WILL.

[ETA] We have a new recapper at HDJM and she's doing ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK. Starting from the beginning to catch us all up before S2 premieres this weekend. Go show some love! <3
I know, I know. If you only knew all the hell that's been happening, you wouldn't be irritated with me. (There's ALWAYS someone irritated with me. Que sera sera.)

IT HAS BEEN A COUNTRY WESTERN SONG, OKAY. (Including, and I'm sad to say, we had to put poor Sally Girl down recently. I would prefer not to talk about that, thank you. :( )

But no one wants to hear the complaining from ol' Stoney, and I accept that, so here are the things of goodness (because why NOT focus on good stuff? E-ZACTLY.)

1. I went to NYC w/ [livejournal.com profile] flaming_muse and had a grand time. The food alone was worth it, and that's not counting the stellar company, the museums, the Hi-Line public garden, and meeting [livejournal.com profile] klaineaddict, who is LOVELY.

2. If you want to see my pics of that (and want to see what I'm drinking/eating) then following my Instagram is a good idea.

2.A - I was stuck all day in Newark due to a missed flight/overbooked flights and tweeted about it. I have to say that my airport tweets are pretty awesome. :D

3. BUT MOST EXCITINGLY, I'm gearing up to publish my first book (a romance BUT DON'T LEAVE YET) in real, honest-to-goodness hardback in a brick and mortar book form this November, and as such, need to have an accessible website that's all polished and stuff. CHECK IT OUT.

4. I promise to keep it from being boring. As much as that's possible. AND AS SUCH, I have a schedule of what will be posted there!

Mormon Mondays - tales of Mormon days past, news, etc. TODAY IS A CLASSIC TALE YOU MIGHT REMEMBER: The Date Who Brought The Date To The Date
Trade Day Tuesdays - I want what you're loving. That can be YOU! But you have to share something not-you related. Great way to network and introduce people to cool stuff
Writing Wednesdays - My process, your process, support group, clinging
Throwback Thursdays - MUSIC! Oh do I love music. I'll throw out a theme (I listen to [blank] when I'm getting ready to go out) and you come at me with what you love. Links or just names, both are great!
Free For All Fridays - Let's just get real. This is going to be what I'm drinking on Fridays. And eating. And who knows. (I will probably need to change this to Stone Soup. Hurr.) Imma want YOUR free for all, too.

HDJM rules apply: be cool, be engaging, no put downs or rude behavior.

5. I am still in my pajamas. I love long weekends. (It's been raining all day/all yesterday, and we need it so badly here.)
#4 Not even sorry for that earworm. If it's NOT an earworm, here you go. So to continue the question session, the lovely [livejournal.com profile] mrmonkeybottoms asked me, "What is your favorite scene in the movie, Love, Actually?" *cracks knuckles*

The most wonderful scene, the one I make everyone either shut up so I can hear (or kick them out of the room so I can hear) is when Billy Mack goes back to his painfully straight manager, Joe, and admits that he's the love of his (Billy Mack's) life. "Christ, thirty minutes at Elton John's, and you're as gay as a maypole." Everything about Bill Nighy in this movie is perfection. His body language, his inflections... I love him so, so much.

(The default scene for me is when Emma Thompson realizes her husband gave the necklace to the bombshell and quietly loses it in her room as Joni Mitchell plays. I've been that woman, silently crying so as to not disrupt the evening, and it's a terrible feeling. I think many of us have been that woman in some capacity. She's an amazing actress.)


#5 The darling [livejournal.com profile] poisontaster asked me: "What's your writing process? And by that I mean both how you craft the actual story and HOW you like to write. Do you go to coffee shops and write long hand, do you do it at your pin-neat (or Oscar the Grouch messy) desk? Is there wine involved? Do you have a special The Writer is At Work glass or sweater or hat?"

This one is long, so it's going under a cut. *SNIP FOR POTENTIAL BORINGNESS!* )

And all of this talking through the process has me itching to get back into my Anne of Green Gables/Teen Wolf fic, which is now sitting at 39K and counting and tentatively titled "Kindred Spirits." And I seriously love it, so I should show it some attention. :)

Three questions left, and tomorrow is all about music. OH MAN, THIS ONE IS GOING TO BE GOOD. <3


Jul. 12th, 2012 07:32 pm
Deleting over 4000 words in one fell swoop is both terrifying and satisfying.

I'm rewarding myself by eating some delicious cookies. There might even be an opened bottle of wine tonight, who knows.

(And if y'all didn't know already, [livejournal.com profile] flaming_muse is pretty stellar, as far as human beings go.) Okay, let's see if this gets me writing new (and better) words...
(No, really. I've had Shostakovich's The Second Waltz on repeat to stay energized.) WATCH THAT CLIP. Holy crow, that is the most amazing audience for a classical performance EVER. And guys? Let me just say again that if ever there was a way for me to become a professional trapeze artist I would do it. I blame ABC's Circus of the Network Stars and Cirque du Soleil.

Come Monday I will be back to normal, as in pestering you all about HDJM and our daily updates. :D HEY GUESS WHAT STARTS ON SUNDAY? GAME OF THRONES. This excites me. Also, if you need to catch up on Season 1 in a fast and portable manner, you should check out the recaps I wrote last year for Season 1. This season promises to be even more exciting. (And for the record: I've not read the books, it's a SPOILER FREE ZONE.)

I got a hilarious text message last night (not knowing it was from one of my HDJM writers - I didn't recognize the # at first) "Hey can you please email me a link to the trailer for Blood on the Highway?" and "I'd also like to use some of your filthy lines, if you remember them."

1. HA HA HA. 2. Of course I remember my filthy lines. I was blocked by the MPAA's rules in a red band trailer! Filthiest Character in Movie History was-and remains-my claim to fame. *preens*

This is all so she could point out the similarities in this latest episode of The Vampire Diaries, so feel free to check that out. :D

Touch and Ringer and Smash are also waiting your commentary, as is the outstanding Mad Men season opener recap/review - help my girls gain TV Crit. status by showering them with discussions. <3

Finally see the Hunger Games? You can talk to Sam about it - and maybe help her win a contest. (All of my girls are vying for the top 2 spots, so click, link, share!)

Okay, I'm writing the ENDING of this massive story I think I'm calling War and Peace. (Is that taken?) Spoiler: "they got boners and loved each other and said nice things that made you go AW and then they walked away. With boners. THE END." (ducks the molotov cocktails that [livejournal.com profile] flaming_muse is sure to lob at me)
Hoarders last night had a change that I did NOT think would come. (Oh the eggs. IDK if y'all have ever been around chickens, but there is nothing more foul that a gone-over egg.) Recap is here, and I started a discussion about how they match up people on the show. Give me your delicious thoughts!

And don't forget that Matt Paxton - link on the sidebar at HDJM - has FREE podcasts weekly on how to get your place clean (regardless of being a hoarder or not) and is generally hilarious.

The final episode of The Bachelor - the recap to THAT crazy town is up, as well. (Thank you, Mel!)

And our insane star of the blog, Liz, has her Spartacus recap up. In the words of the show's actual-facts writer, "By far the most entertaining ones I read every week." Yeah, I'm never going to let it go that Steven DeKnight reads her recaps AS A WAY TO MAKE HIS LIFE BETTER.

And in the "I am certifiable" corner, I was up late last night re-reading "Where There's Smoke" (I couldn't sleep, okay?) and after finding a typo and fixing it here and on AO3, I got a plot bunny for a one-shot about how Blaine felt meeting Kurt. So...I'll be working on that today. Sorry, garden, you can be weeded another time. *head desk* Because I don't have enough to write as it is...

Whoa. I just added up word counts. Not including work on HDJM, I've written 103,000 words this year so far. O_O
First, ze links. We had an exciting weekend at HDJM because we have our first advertisers going up, slowly but surely. Be sure to click on our supporters when you go for a visit (and check their fabulous products, etc. More to come this week.) Also, SPARTACUS IS BACK! And Liz is back with her breathless and energetic recaps.

Merlin! Melody has this week's recap waiting for you and your juicy thoughts.

And thank you again to everyone that is helping us get noticed by tweeting links, tumbling, liking - it's just a click for you, but it helps us TREMENDOUSLY. <3

My poor kid was sick all through the weekend, but rallied mid-day yesterday (his actual birthday) and we had a small family dinner. He'll get to have a proper party this coming weekend, but still. Poor buddy.

But now for my shock. SHOCK, I SAY! So, most of y'all that have been around here for a while know that I LOVE reading crappy fanfic. Like, really really bad. Comically bad. "He egressed in the seat of her audience" bad. (That remains one of my favorites. That and "he put his think in her butt.") That stuff is hilarious and entertaining. Then there are the stories that you think, "Huh, that's really boring." Or, "What the hell? This is the story everyone is going on about? REALLY?" I have opinions. I am going to hang them out to dry. )

Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to write a story about Abraham Lincoln trying to make a light bulb. And then I am going to write it in real time so it takes you 24 hours to read about his 24 hours.
I need to tweak a joke. You have it in you, I feel it. I BELIEVE IN YOU.

In this chapter (of Oh My Heck! I'm gonna try. Again. Sigh) I'm talking about how when the guys would go away on missions for two years, we girls were encouraged to sit in cold storage and wait for them, right? So all we did was can fruit and quilt things, and I'm trying to equate it to a [__something something__] trousseau. Like a bizarre fruity trousseau.

And that's not right.

*chin fists* Suggestions? Also, good god, it is no wonder I'm broken inside. But damn, do I have a sweet apocalypse pantry of peaches. In your face, undead!
Back online, thanks to an awesome friend and his awesome geek skills. And having 5x the space of my other person. OH, WHAT A WEEKEND, YOU GUYS. Headache inducing to the extreme.

If you need something to read today, man, do we have it. Captain America? YES. Breaking Bad 4.2? You betcha. Glee and Lady Gaga? Done. Spartacus: Blood and Sand? IT IS ON ITS WAY.

Oh, and tomorrow there will be True Blood, RHoNJ, the Bachelorette, and maybe, oh... some Project Runway? BOOM. We're blowing up. (In my mind.) OH And JERSEY SHORE IN ITALY IS THURSDAY. Can.Not.Wait.

I'm going to be working on some swag and other fun things, so keep your eyes peeled. And everything should be lightning fast, to boot.

(And thanks to all of you who sent me emails and messages, you're SO SWEET. I appreciate it.) Now I have to dive into some brisket tacos that are so delicious it's almost criminal. And then I need to drink all the margaritas ever.
Maybe this will help.

  • occasion: there is no ass in an occasion. Or at least, there shouldn't be.

  • pored over/poured over: pored over a story/words. Like you fell in because it's a big ol' nasty pore like on one's face. Pore=hole, pour=spill. You would have poured milk all over your cereal, you would have pored over the pages of a fantastic tale.

  • then/than: then is time, than is a comparison. I then left to a drug-fueled orgy rather than attend church with Mother.

  • its/it's: if you see an apostrophe SAY OUT LOUD: it is. Doesn't fit? Drop the apostrophe. It's quite simple: the gimp brought its cock ring to the occasion. We all pored over the instruction manual, then poured oil over its gears rather than the carpeting. The party went off without a hitch, regardless of the ass that came to this occasion. Who brings a donkey to a leather party? That's clearly unacceptable. (Tijuana/linen parties only, my lands!)


When all else fails, READ WHAT YOU WROTE OUT LOUD. And please get someone else to read it before posting.

Love, someone who wrote "Hedwig and the Angry ITCH" yesterday and had another set of eyes catch it. It happens to all of us at some point. If you're doing the same thing over and over again every time? Make a point of getting a beta. It's not a sign of defeat or weakness, quite the opposite, actually.
IDK about you, but when tragedy strikes the world, I have a tendency to shut down and get too caught up, so here are things as an emotional sorbet, should you find (like me) that you need one:

1. I may or may not have heard a few of the songs from The Book of Mormon: The Musical and can I just say that Trey Parker and Matt Stone are my all-time favorite people EVER. Brilliant. Perfect. Hilarious. Not mean, if you can believe it! I wouldn't have cared if it was or not, but it's even better knowing that they're teasing Mormons, but in a sweet "we love you!" way. No, really. [ETA] I have never wanted to see a show more badly in my life/. Uncle F*kka funny, REALLY.

2. The kittens are curled up in a fur pile in sunshine, grooming each other. <3 It'll turn to ATTACK! any second, but for now, aww!

3. Kassie wrote up Southland from last week and this week (the finale) and you need to go read them and discuss with me. HOLY CRAP. That is amazing tv. Not to mention amazing characters. If you love strong female characters: you should be watching. If you love Bromances: you should be watching. If you love strong, gay men that aren't defined by their sexuality: you should be watching. If you've ever been to LA: you should be watching.

4. This resurgence of Mormon culture in the media (let me believe it's true, please) has me wanting to dust off my manuscript and try again (after fixing problems. Feh.)

5. I also have another idea for a book that I think would be hilarious, and credit will go to [livejournal.com profile] nothingseasy4u if I get it published.

6. Monday I will be going away on vacation with the Mr. to celebrate our 10th anniversary (back in Jan, but this is when we could travel) and it cannot come soon enough, CALGON TAKE ME AWAY. <-- dated reference FTW! We'll be back Thursday night. (Napa/Alexander Valley - YAY WINE.)

7. There are FLOWERS in my garden! Blossoms! I was so ready for gardening chores (pruning, etc.) yesterday that I futzed with the MULCH just to be out in it. Yes, I'm a dork.

8. Today is my Bro in Law's birthday, he's wonderful, and he's celebrating my going to SXSW to watch a movie he and I were in, WUSS, and if you're in Austin, you need to go see it. Currently it's being hailed as one of the top 5 must see's, so that's pretty awesome. (I have more news to share next week re: movies, but have to wait for Official Word.)

9. IT IS FRIDAY. Hooray weekend! <3
In other words, I need writing prompts, because I am doing that thing where I make up "must do's" around the house (I mean, I just steam cleaned all of the carpets and drapes and am looking for other things to steam clean, reorganize, etc.) instead of working on actual writing projects, and I really really want to work on writing projects, but have completely lost my MoJo, which of course is short for More Johnson, interpret that as you will.

SO! *hand clap*

Craziness you'd like in short form? A continuation on something I did long ago like the beautiful Yoda/Chewbacca love story? {Don't act like Chewbacca didn't know that a 900+ year old Jedi would be a gentle and imaginative lover. YEAH, THAT'S IN YOUR HEAD NOW. You're welcome.}

I won't promise to write all suggestions given to me, because that's crazy talk. But I'll write what I can. I don't know a lot of fandom popular shows (like SPN, SG1, Merlin, um... are people still into Pokemon? I have no clue, and I don't know that bidness either) so save your time and trouble if you're wanting me to write J2 MPreg Space Alien Body Switch C*ckvore. Yeah, now THAT'S in your head now. And if you don't know what that one word was, just save your brain meats and don't google it. You'll thank me later.

Anyone? No? I'm heading out to the food libraries [/Skwisgaar] and will return to hopefully some fun/interesting ideas that I can stress out about. YAY?

OH. Lastly in HOLY SHEEEEP news, my Twilight/Sparkledammerung posts got their 3.5 MILLIONTH hit yesterday. Whoa. (I know a bunch of hits are repeat offenders, but still. That's a lot of clicking. I feel so naked.)

[ETA] Guys? Not gonna do porn, sorry. NUH GUH DUH.


Sep. 9th, 2010 10:01 am
Because it is not 1,000,000 degrees outside I get to go out and jog in it! No more jumping jacks in my house, yay. More tornadoes last night to the point of my kids breaking down in hysterics. We were truly in no danger, but try telling hormonal teens that. Oy.

And I don't normally do this sort of thing because I usually get so frustrated by other people's ability to not be hamstrung by writer's block, but I knocked out 11,500 in word count yesterday (on articles for an upcoming project and in revisions for my book.) While my knees hated me sitting so long, the rest of me was quite pleased. I did have to do some research from a HATEFUL book, and I cut and pasted for your pleasure a paragraph from said book that outlines how you can sin. And as you would expect, it's quite long and somewhat lulzy. )

I have to go buy some "sensible work shoes" for a shoot tomorrow morning as I realized that I don't own any. I have my Birks and I have as [livejournal.com profile] elizah_jane calls them, Barbie Shoes. I guess caregivers in Nursing Homes don't wear Jessica Simpson platform peekaboo red leather heels, huh? WELL THEY SHOULD.

Top Chef last night made me want to eat all the Singapore food there is in the world. All of it. Jersey Shore tonight, yo! WITH CAT FIGHT, mreow!
My lovely sister hosts an awards site for Buffy/AtS fen, the [livejournal.com profile] c2c_buffyawards . Round 2 is still open for nominations, and you should go on over because this ain't yo daddy's award site [and we know this because I JUST TOLD YOU that it's my sister's site. Really, guys, pay attention.]

I like how she's got the rules set up, it's not about the popular person or who can bully their flist into voting multiple times, it's about quality, hooray! Good stuff. It's been some time since I've written any fanfic, and this makes me want to go back and reread some of the good stuff y'all have put out there. Aww, fanfiction is what led me here, MEMORIES. *chin on fists*

Two! Yesterday's snitfest re: current events led me to sitting in a coffee shop and writing for two straight hours, something I've not done in AGES. (Working on my book, for those who are interested.) I know we're not supposed to do this in polite society, but DAMMIT I AM FUNNY. I'm trying my hardest to not make it an angry screed about being betrayed by my religion (even though that's what happened) and the jokes/humor I'm putting in there? Well, it's GOLD PEOPLE. Gold. (No one else is going to build me up, so I have to do it myself, lol.

Fake Bible Books I'm "quoting" from: Levijeanology and Hysterectomy II. Okay, that's more brass than gold, but there's good stuff in there, honest!

Speaking of awesome writing (weren't we?) my good buddy Melissa Francis wrote a wonderful YA book last year, "Bite Me" about a girl with a vampire boyfriend. OH AND IT'S AWESOME AND NOT LIKE TWILIGHT AT ALL. And the sequel "Love Sucks" JUST CAME OUT! (And my daughter got a copy early and is truly the envy of her friends. Here's a picture of her opening the package from Melissa, not realizing she got an advanced copy ) So you should go buy a copy of it, because we're awesomely supportive of fellow writers on LJ, aren't we? Congrats on the sequel, [livejournal.com profile] oatmellow! (Her LJ handle.) She's on a book tour right now, which, HOW AWESOME IS THAT?! Seriously awesome, that's how.

Ok. I'm getting back to writing, because this is a RARE THING, me actually doing it and not fifty million other things. WHAT IS THIS MADNESS? (Also, AUGH, IT'S GOING VIRAL! Must write faster!! And of course I had to comment.)
I don't know if I'm crossing the streams here [Ray EGON says that would be bad] but if you've not seen that Diana Gabaldon is all hemhem "Stop writing fanfic about my characters [Outlander series] because that's like writing porn about my daughter and mailing it to me." Also, this literati uses the word "barf." Just like Cormac McCarthy. [Wank report link.]

OK, WHAT. 1) No, it isn't. 2) WTF? 3) Who is mailing you porny fanfic? Ok, there probably is someone doing that, and making Jamie into a unicorms and Claire into a red dragon [DO YOU SEE?] and they have dragoncorm humpings and then Jamie has a baby from his special magical womb, BUT DON'T SEND THAT TO THE CREATOR, DUMMY. You ask them to autograph that picture at book signings, am I right? Lol. No, please don't do that, weirdo.

But my FAVORITE part of all of this wank is how it's the PORN/SEX/HUMPINGS that is bothering her. Because for those of us that have read the books (I stopped at 5, gah, TOO MUCH PLANT TALK. FOR ME. What does that tell you?) every day is Hump Day! Good hell. They have sex every few pages! And then she has some SERIOUSLY purple prose with back hair glistening with dew like a wet autumn sunrise, and how many ways can you describe red hair, woman? "Like a box of crayons, the back level of the 64 pack, spilled across the floor, that was the range of reds to burnt umbers of Jamie's man pelt." LOL.

Also, her books are totally rapetastic, in that everyone gets rapes like they're passing them out at a car dealership, she suffers from Anne Rice-dom in that she needs to cut her words in HALF [huge books. HUGE.] and it reads like a 200+ chapter fanfic. I MEAN, WHAT. Are her characters interesting? Yes. Plus she has messy/doesn't work right all the time sex in her stories which is a big plus for me (it's real, I like real) but she also wants you to know that She Did Her Research. And it's lots and lots of data about plant life and how to make your own penicillin, and homeopathic this and that, and a reminder of such and such events, all with a thiiiiin plot stringing the data together.

I summed up the books to Kassie in her journal last night, and thought I'd reprint them here to spare her inbox. WHO WANTS SOME DISTILLED CRACK?

A time traveling nurse meets a red headed Scotsman, in case you Dinna Ken gaelic gaelic random understandings of paganism plant names historical insert blah )

Just, if you are so invested in stories you write that you compare fanfic to someone telling you they want to rape your real daughter or seduce your actual living husband, YOU HAVE EXPOSED YOURSELF FOR A MARY SUE. HEMHEM (Um, her husband? Tall red head. Same with her daughter. I'm just saying.) Also, you're a bit of a crackpot, Diana. She's been around the internet since the Compuserve days, too, so this CANNOT be new to her. Roll your eyes and keep writing like Charlaine Harris does, lady. SPEAKING OF: TODAY THERE IS MOAR ERIC. Shut it, I can't help that I imagine Askars when I read her books. It's like Charlaiine is writing fanfiction of True Blood, LOL x A MILLION.

Welcome to the world of a genre fic writer, lady. It's a COMPLIMENT. They aren't making money (or they shouldn't be, I'll agree with you on that. Adopt Jim Butcher's philosophy.) Or read this and realize how Dee You Em your allegations are.

LASTLY: I am making more tamales today and tomorrow because all the ones I made on New Years done got et. OM NOM NOM.

[ETA] Someone in West Texas needs some help/info, if you can, please do!
I'm sticking with the second. So I was watching Pride and Prejudice the other night, as one does, and feeling very disappointed that a classy porny version has yet to be made. Ang Lee, I'm looking at you. I need more than a soaked Colin Firth, is what I'm saying, and I'm sure I'm not alone. (As much as I can't stand Keira Knightly - the JAW! It will surely kill us all - what's his nuts in that version is tres sexy.) So I went looking for fanfiction, as one does in these situations. This is what ff was MADE for, right?

Problem is, so much of it sucks, as we all know. And while I wish someone would discover some dirty chapters that Ms. Austen failed to submit to her publishers (how delicious would THAT be?) I could be content with well-written ff. What will make me hit the back button faster than 5 Guys and 1 Tub (lol, that was one of the funnier things to come out of yesterday's post) is reading that Fitzwilliam Darcy UNZIPPED ELIZABETH FROM HER DRESS. Zipper?! Did she check facebook before retiring to her chambers as well? Did Mary spend her nights bemoaning her misfortune whilst running polyester through her Singer sewing machine? EGADS, PEOPLE. RESEARCH.

Also, one's clothes do not (nor did they ever) "flewn about." I'm no Shakespeare, shit, I'm no King, but FLEWN. That's like when my college roommate argued with me that "squozed" was SO an actual word. Head --> desk. (One of my favorite stupid people stories comes from my ex husband who asked me in all earnestness what language Frasier was speaking. As in the TV show Frasier. I'll leave you with that head scratcher.)

And on that note, I've spent far too much time yesterday and this morning reading through IDP manuals, checking up on road crew work, and memorizing the inventory at Talbots so this ridiculous little story I'm struggling with about Jason Stackhouse and Pam... Pam sounds right. Lol. Um, I'm on the far edge of the balance beam, clearly.

IN WOEBEGONE SPARKLE/TWILIGHT NEWS: I realized that my original plans to race out Friday morning to see the newest Twilight movie (FOR MOCKING PURPOSES ONLY, I've not lost my mind completely) isn't going to work as a) I'm hosting a shindig that night for upwards of 40 people and that requires cleaning, food prep, booze prep, etc. and b) I'm filming all day Saturday (whee, commercials are FUN and fast. I dig those.) and this all adds up to c) you won't get your dose of snark from me until Monday. I KNOW, I'M SAD ABOUT IT, TOO. I kinda need to go see it Friday morning, though, because that's when the craziest people go! Last time women were dressed up WITH PERFUME to see it, as if Edward Cullen was waiting for them in the lobby, just hoping to fall in love with a substitute teacher, or whatever. WOW. Good times were had by me loling over the Sparklepires and the women who love them.

I need to do a bunch of push ups and squats so I don't feel guilty about sitting on my ass all day writing. I'll get going on that aaaaaaany moment now. Any minute now.

OH WAIT, I REMEMBERED SOMETHING I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT. Who is watching Curb Your Enthusiasm? I don't know when I've laughed so hard as last Sunday's episode. mild spoilers in the form of a massively politically incorrect joke they pulled off. )
Oh my god (well, not my god because I defy Him and all His works - Joss, that line will never not work for me, thanks) if you missed Oprah's show yesterday, KEEP ON MISSING IT. Yes, I've apparently turned into that haus frau, the one that watches Oprah Winfrey in the afternoon. Except for how I mistakenly watched it at night, and then had nightmares all night long. She had the woman that was brutally attacked (like, don't even google it, okay? And I've seen 2 Girls and 1 Cup and laughed) by a friend's pet chimpanzee. I had to call my husband to talk me down from being freaked out by the 911 call. Holy crap balls. Animal attacks = worst way to die (or NOT die) ever. You all have my permission to smother me with a pillow if I'm ever attacked by an animal and then don't die from it, but should have. *shudder*

I'm giving all of my pets the stink eye, now. We all know that Darthanne, my serial killing cat, would take me down in a heartbeat if she could. If she could figure out how to work a ziplock bag to get her own treats, I'd have been kitty litter long before now. I think she stares at me while I sleep, licking her lips, wondering if I would go well with a nice Chianti and Fava beans *fft fft fft fft!*

IN OTHER NON-ANIMAL ATTACK NEWS, I'm trying to get my mojo back re:writing and telling a story. My confidence was massively shaken this summer during the rejection hurricane but I'm going to quit being self-indulgent and push through. By being self-indulgent in another way, lol. There's been a meme floating around where people ask the poster for "DVD commentary" on any of their fics. I don't know if anyone is interested in hearing how I came up with Hulk/Jolly Green Giant man on man love, or the inspiration behind the Gone with the Wind mpreg, or the analysis of medieval Catholic rites in Angel: The Series or just how I make the horses in my soap opera so compelling (poor Gringo el burro, will he ever find amor?), but I'd love to tell you all about My Art. Lol. My fic can be found here and the original LDS Missionary Coming out of the Closet story is here. Warning: many contain adult themes, some homo, some hetero, some violence exists in a lot of my stories, but they're clearly labeled. There's also massive quantities of crack and far too many Dune references than one person should ever use. Fair warning!

There's something else I meant to say, but I can't think of it. I'm diving back into my picture book of white-skinned, blue-eyed American Indians talking with Jesus (for research purposes, of course.) Hahaha. If only I was joking about that last bit.
Can I just put this out here? I loathe "girl-geared" products. Pink tools! Yay, I couldn't even BEGIN to know how to drill a hole without my cutie patootie pink drill! It's pink because I'm a lady, and that's a lady color! Blech. I also loathe the cutification of words, too. I know some of y'all are into it, and that's fine, just know that it makes me crazy. "Prezzie." "Hubby." It's a PRESENT. And that is your HUSBAND. Oh, I'm sorry, that's your mother? Well, she looks like a man. Especially with that full beard. And penis.

I'm losing my mind today, in other words. OH MY GOD. I have rewritten this freaking prologue and Chpt. 1 so many times I just want to spit and stomp on it. BAH. If only my laptop was pink with gamboling kittens on it, it would be so much easier. Sigh. Math is hard. (MY BRAIN IS FRIED. I'm just not going to make sense to the vast majority of you, it can't be helped.)

I had the worst glass of wine on Halloween. Like, pour yourself a glass of rubbing alcohol, top it off with some formaldehyde and cherry juice. I took one sip, ACTUALLY POINTED OFF IN THE DISTANCE SO SOMEONE WOULD LOOK AWAY, and dumped my wine out on the grass, then FAKED LIKE I CHUGGED IT. That happened. In real life. My life is a living sitcom, is what I'm saying. Next up: a very special episode when my daughter gets her period! Or is that when my son brings a homeless man home on Christmas so we all can Learn Something About Compassion? If I was writing that episode, we'd kill him, roll him for whatever change he'd collected, then have a good laugh about how life can be sticky at times. Like our hands.

I got off on a tangent there. I meant to add that I've not been able to drink any wine since. And that makes me sad because I like a glass of vino with dinner. And breakfast, but it's only for the anti-oxidants.

SAVE ME. From myself, true. Nonetheless, I don't wanna look at this same document any more today, BAH.

Oh yeah! I do get to tape another audition tomorrow, and I plan on having Christopher Walken do a schpiel about how the Deer Hunter is actually "hilarious." [It's for an outdoor product store.]

June 2017

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