And it won't even be on fire. No reason, but to just do it. It hit me, finally, that I'm doing this. I've wanted to sky dive since I was a teen, and I'm going to freaking jump out of a plane at 13,500 feet. I talked to my dad about it today and he is terrified on my behalf. Haha. He also told me to update my will. UM, THIS IS ACTUALLY SAFE, YOU GUYS. (The people that tend to die from sky diving are people that have done it so much they're either taking risks they shouldn't be taking, or are so into the free fall, they fail to pull their chute at the appropriate time. No, really.)

Just to be safe in case the worst thing happens, I would publicly like to state that I want my body to be shoved in a pine box exactly as I'm found. No makeup, no sewing things back on, like feet. Unless you can sew them on backwards, that would be pretty awesome. And on the wrong legs. And when I'm put in the funeral dress, I want it on backwards so I have a sexy slit down the front of me. HOT! And just jam my limbs into the sleeves, no worries on getting my hands through all the way.

And I'd like someone to make sure that Christopher Cross' "Think of Laura" plays (laugh, don't cry, I know she'd want it that way) because it's important for my children to see people laughing over my dead body. Give them more to talk about to the therapist.

And I would like to have one of those hats with the drink holders on the sides with a bottle of tequila in each of them. And please, for the love of god, someone put a flat screen tv on the inside of the casket set to play "Mama's Family" for eternity. Or the battery goes out, which ever. And if you could make sure that my headstone reads "Pull My Finger" with a rubberized index finger stuck to it, I'd appreciate it. Also, an mp3 player that's motion-sensor triggered that alternately plays the sound of a fart or my horrified, pained screams, just to keep people on their feet. And off my grave.

So, if you could all make sure that happens should my parachute not open, I'd be eternally grateful. Except for how I'll be dead and I really won't know anything. Thanks.

[and if there could be a mud wrestling match to determine who gets what of mine, that would be super.] Great funeral? Or GREATEST FUNERAL EVER?

June 2017

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