And I'm not talking about rude people. I'm talking about BUGS. Well, not True Bugs (I love that that is an actual classification - sub order /nerd!) but caterpillars, the final instar stage of the beautiful butterfly/moth.

(Quick mention that I have an entire post dedicated to gardening tips. I don't have time to help people like I used to, so feel free to help yourself! :D [/your friendly neighborhood Master Gardener.]

A few years ago I came out to my garden, HORRIFIED by these massive...creatures that were eating my garden to the ground. Specifically, my tomato plants and my Datura (Angel's Trumpet.) I had to use TWO HANDS to pull these buggers off the plant stems, because they were on tight. I tossed them into my driveway, like I do when I find grubs. I've trained the mockingbirds, you see. When they see me come out side with tools, they line the fence and watch. I toss grubs (typically) up in the air, or on the sidewalk, and they swoop in and get an easy meal. Awesome.

These buggers didn't even hit the ground before there was a fight among the birds. Big meal, is what I'm saying. I thought these were common tomato hornworms - at first glance, they certainly look like them.

But I realized after letting a few live that they weren't. They didn't become gold/brown hawk moths. These particular caterpillars turn into hummingbird hawk-moths. They are BEAUTIFUL.

Well, they eventually are. Here are some phone camera shots. )

I have a lot of gardening to do, but I'm going to do it away from these things. If only to keep the mockingbirds occupied elsewhere...

(And this is my favorite shot that I've taken of a hummingbird - actual bird, see? - in my garden.) And this is my favorite collection of pics from my garden. :)

ION: PLEASE TELL ME YOU HAVE READ NEAR MISSES, WHICH WAS COMPLETED YESTERDAY. And then please tell me that you left her lovely comments, because that's just the right thing to do after being moved by such a fantastic and beautiful story. :) *cough* NOW ON EBOOK.
Took the kids to see Harry Potter this morning. Not a touch of line for the 10:40 showing in 3-D. I will say this: see it in 3-D (normally I can take or leave it,) bring tissues, and go to the bathroom during the trailers. I have a headache from crying. Oh, and not having breakfast. (McGonagall!! I love her. LOVE. Wish her part was larger, but I understand.)

#2 said as the credits rolled, "Now I have nothing to look forward to for the rest of my years," in the most dejected voice ever. Awww, we have had the best memories made from Harry Potter moments as a family. No matter what, I am grateful for that. (And Weasley is my King.)

I have the next Glee recap up, it's the one where Jesse St. James shows up and Idina Menzel starts her story-arc as the rival coach. I love her and made a cocktail in her honor, the Elphaba-tini. It's green, natch. :)

I have to go grocery shopping and it's 105 degrees, it was 108 yesterday, not including the heat index. Oy. We are in some serious drought conditions here in Texas. (I still manage to have a green lawn and flowers without running the sprinklers. Go me! *g*) Oh, the point was that I don't want to be driving in this heat and lugging sacks of food, but everyone's all "I'm hungry" and they refuse to eat the pets. Way to think of the environment, kids.

OH! Exciting gaming talk: I finally have become hip to Oblivion. The Mr. and I stayed up way too late getting acquainted with that game. Dude. Bad. Ass. And you can clearly have completely different experiences playing it from the start, depending on how you build your character. THAT is how you make a game, folks. If you were ever into DnD, and you've not played this, you need to get correct, son.

OK, groceries, and then my monk Elf is going goblin-hunting. NERD ALERT!
1. Got everyone off to school/airport
2. Checked emails, etc.
3. Watched a scene on a telenovela TEN TIMES in which the Villain knocks out her step daughter (who is in a wheelchair) and tells her that she hates the girl's stupid braces (the ones on her teeth, we don't want a There's Something About Mary mistake here), and then locks her in a room with TARANTULAS
4. Accidentally on purpose read Gelfling porn (it's really romantic: they use the word "schlong")
5. Found accidental DUNE porn (safe for work, I'm just being silly) see? )
6. worked out
7. opened fifteen drafts to get some things written up.

Just thought I'd share. :) Back to the grindstone for me!
Come talk to me! Spoilers and pretty much nothing but, so you have been warned, you Eskimo that lives in the tundra therefore the only person left who hasn't seen the movie yet. )

And I'll be seeing this one again. And again. GORGEOUS MOVIE. [In other news that I will post about tomorrow, I have witnessed my first Gun Show up close and personal. We really need a plague of zombies to thin the herd. Thankfully I just bought a handy dandy flint and steel fire starter that even starts a fire IN THE RAIN. Take that, diseased hordes!!) Lol.
So.... I seemed to pick up a bunch of new folks this week, hello! I know that a lot of folks don't click on people's journals and read Sticky Posts, so I'll just put some stuff out here with the understanding that if you clicked in haste and are looking for an easy out, I will not be hurt if you've added in vain. Or in vein. Or in vane. Stuffs:

I am married with three kids, one of whom has Aspergers, one with feet bigger than mine, and one that can tell you anything and everything you want to know about ocean creatures. I am madly in love with them, except for the times when I am looking to donate them for scientific experiments. I will tell you what many will not: motherhood is 80% shit and 20% bliss, and the job never stops and is dirty and hard. And you are told on Mother's Day that you're obsolete. Lol.

I will without warning throw out quotes from 80s comedies and not really expect anyone to get them. But a few will start laughing when I mention Bandy Bowlegs Button Butt, and that's what keeps me going, you guys. That and my Judge Smalls impression. And the knowledge that Ghostbusters is maybe the most perfectly written comedy of all time. EVEN TINA FEY AGREES WITH ME. (Which is why there are Ghostbusters jokes in every single ep of 30 Rock's first 2 seasons. No, really.)

I don't have sword hands. But I do have sword feet, and I would appreciate the distinction, and no, that's not a lisp-impediment when I talk about my sheaths. I'll give you a second. I use Twitter, but not a lot, mostly to get off a joke. I do things without irony - I don't have time for ironic love. I am the leading Mormon Vampire Authority on LJ, a badge I wear with irony pride. (Yep, that's me, and if you are just putting two and two together and you're all about the Sparkle, I'll understand if you leave a dust trail. Here are my LDS/polygamy tags, respectively.)

Without question, if you believe that Lolita is a "dark comedy," I believe that you should be strung up and beaten with a Lindsay Lohan. (I just think she could use the work.)

Um, let's see.... I usually won't post more than once a day, I believe in the LJ cut if it's more than a screen full, and I AM NOT INTO SPOILERS. I love my friends fiercely, like I love my hair, margaritas, nachos, my garden, and whatever else I'm spazzy about. I'm Texan before I'm anything, so take your Texan stereotypes and skedaddle. And while you're doing that, check out a Molly Ivins book. She's my hero, she and the late Ann Richards.

I have MASSIVE quantities of garden work to catch up on, including moving 2 literal yards of earth into some holes, building another retaining wall, smelling roses, washing my Perpy Derg and giving her a shave, and eating copious amounts of food. HAVE A LOVELY DAY. Do it. I'm totally the boss of you now. (Feel free to check my tags for anything else you might wanna know.)

One last thing! My inbox is BURGEONING with comments from the brouhaha, and I will get to replying to everyone, but I might need a breather before I do. Hopefully you'll understand; I certainly don't want anyone to feel slighted. I'm just... man, big response, that's all.
Remember when Val Kilmer was funny and hot? Seems like 25 years ago.... And good lord, that makes me feel old. "What did you say to him?" "I told him I'd put him on the Montgomery Ward mailing list." Nope, that really was the one that made me feel old.

I have some nerd talk and questions for the nerdery.

1. Question: who has used Windows 7 with joy in their heart, and if so, do you recommend 32 or 64 bit? ATTN Mac users: I don't care. I already drank the iPhone Kool-Aid, I won't drink anymore. Also, I like writing my own code/hacking my own PC, thx.
2. Nerd Talk: one of the best freeware apps out there for your PC: CCleaner. My computer is running so much faster now, it's redonk.
3. Question: I'm looking to create a Wordpress blog to move stuff off here and have my own domain name, as recommended by Chuck and others. Which hosting site do you recommend for me? I have a lot of traffic here, so I'm hoping that will continue when I move off LJ, too, so that's a factor. (Side note: that post has some great writerly don'ts, but that's par for the course over there.)
4. Nerd Talk: I plan on creating an RSS feed to go in this space, so I'm not "going away." I'm just getting a bit more professional, but with the same amount of dick jokes. :)
5. Nerd Talk: I figured out how to make my own ringtones by circumventing the iTunes rules (pfft, I own songs, I should be able to make a ringtone out of it, iTunes! Again, mac Users: SUCK IT, I DON'T CARE. You're cultists. Ahahaha. I'm 01d 5c7001, yo.) I first dl'd a very intricate program called audacity that has a high learning curve. Then I got smart and dl'd a program called iRinger. Way more simplistic and the way to go. When you export after making your ringtone, it automatically sends it to your ringtone folder on your phone. EASY AND LOVELY. I may have gone crazy nuts.

I'm off to find a cocktail dress so I don't look like a rube with my good bag and cheap shoes (haha, reverse that, I'm that girl. I'd eff me. I'd eff me so hard.) when I'm in Las Vegas this weekend with [livejournal.com profile] kita0610 and [livejournal.com profile] lynnenne. Aside from that, I'm all over the jeans and button down because I'm quite boring. And by jeans and button down I of course mean spandex hot pants and sparkle tube tops with rainbow sequins. I'm classy. Also, I have to pay for the trip somehow, am I right ladies?
Food around the corner for me, oh de oh doh doh doh... If you're not singing along with me on that one, 1) I'm sad that you don't have that ear worm embedded in your brain from countless hours of watching cartoons and 2) are you trying to say you're better than me because your family took you on vacations around the world, soaking up information on the arts, culture, and civilization while I was parked in front of the 17 inch Zenith for days on end? I don't need your pity. Just your welfare. And food stamps.

And here is the full cartoon. You're welcome. That voice is another on my list of voices I can do. Yes, I'm extremely talented.

So, it turns out my in laws will be spending the holiday with us, but I sent ideas for food that she can bring so we don't have any carrot dimes (oh god, I gagged a little just thinking of them, the "recipe" is at the bottom, btw.) or sweet potato casserole made from a box (seriously?? How lazy and unimaginative can you get?) or an angel food cake enveloped in green frosting. Every gathering the woman makes those three things. Why the green frosting on the angel food cake? Why GREEN? It's inexplicable.

However! I am making things that are delicious, the Cowboys are playing (and I swear to the god of your choice, if you jackholes fall apart at the back half of the season AGAIN I may just have to support some loser team like the Eagles. Oh my god, I almost threw up in my mouth. I could never support a team from Philly, please forgive me, in the name of Tom Landry.) Attn: Roy Williams: you are this close to getting a head smack from me. If you need to put glue on your hands to hold that damn ball, do it.

I digress. Today I am: making ginger-orange rolls for breakfast tomorrow. Making homemade rolls to rise in the fridge tonight. Baking a pecan pie. Turning my chai spice cake into a bundt cake with my homemade pumpkin butter as a filling. Brining my turkey with apple, sage, peppercorns, cider and thyme. (Tomorrow it will be smoked for 8 hours over apple wood with apples, sage, and thyme in the cavity.) Oh, and I need to make sweet potato dip, since we all want mashed garlic potatoes with supper, and you need sweet potatoes for it to be an official Thanksgiving holiday (serving it with red bell pepper slices and pita chips..) I have a Pinot Noir from Sonoma to go with dinner, and a chilled bottle of Kendall Jackson for my mother in law, because she doesn't care about quality. HEY-O, bitchiness abounds. :D

I'm hoping to dive back into writing ASAP, so I may be anti-social for a bit. I'm feeling incredibly overwhelmed by all of the responsibility being thrust upon me from every corner and to insure that I don't get bitchy, I'm going to slap on some headphones, listen to Gorillaz and the Beastie Boys and some Rachmaninoff, because I like being unpredictable. Oooh, if I may geek out for a minute, I nerded out yesterday explaining to a stranger why Vladimir Horowitz is one of the greatest pianists around because the man is FASTER THAN A STEINWAY ACTION. There are maybe four people I know that give a rat's ass about that, and I love each of you with all of my heart. (I'd be MORE THAN HAPPY to explain why that is a big deal, if anyone is interested. *crickets.*)

OKAY. Diving in to my list. I'll see you on the other side. Happy abuse the Indians so they'll feed us before we rob them of their culture Day! Wait, that was too long so they shortened it to Thanksgiving. It's catchier, I'll give them that. :)

Carrot dimes recipe: BEWARE YE WHO ENTER HERE. )
1. My nose is totally clogged up. I want to climb back in bed. Who needs to finish laundry, mop, clean bathrooms before they create new lifeforms when you can sleep and be lazy? *raises hand* Oh, that's right, I have to do those things.

2. In WHEEE! news, today and tomorrow are my son's Science Fair proposal days. Note to new folks: Science Fair is my Graceland. It is my Woodstock, my Manolo Blahnics, my [insert your greatest love] here. My kid has the following ideas (one of which was inspired by me, the other by a cool program on NPR yesterday:)
  • molecular engineering, we're not sure which bacteria we can engineer, though. I'll need to get on the horn with the Science Dept. at Southwestern to see if we can use their lab.
  • converting the house to human generated and solar energy. This one will require the most materials, but that might pay for itself if we can actually get off the grid. With five people in the house pedaling a bike... It's feasible.

This ain't yo daddy's science fair.

3. I baked two loaves of bread yesterday after a summer-long hiatus from my weekly baking. I'm down to 1/4 of one loaf. Looks like the family missed proper bread.

4. I want to lose my office furniture and streamline it. No more things on carpet, I want everything up on the wall. Floating table, floating shelves... And my butt would prefer a drafting table, I think. I'll still have a chair, but I love standing up more than I love sitting down.

5. About a year ago (I think) we found an orange tabby that was SO CUTE. Little tiny baby with white boots. Wandering around the neighborhood, meowing. We took it in, promptly named him Fred Weasley, and then discovered that he had a chip. Called the owner, turns out he lived a few doors down, and when I asked him to describe the cat (I wanted to be sure it was going to the right owner, after all) the man was surly, told me to "shove the cat under the back gate" and hung up. Guess what teenager cat was hanging out in my garden? Oh, and those neighbors MOVED LAST SPRING. I'm trying to lure Fred (lol) to my porch so I can check and see if he's been fixed and maybe integrate him into my cadre of animals. I HAVE A SICKNESS, OKAY? (And if he's not been fixed, he's going to Feral Friends where they will do it and notch his ear so anyone else who finds him will know he's been fixed. At which point we'll change his name to George Weasley. Hahahaha.)

6. In case you've not seen it, you should as it's hilarious. Hitler Finds Out Obama Will Address School Children.
First, Friday night, the Mr. and I went out to a fantastic restaurant owned by the chef that has trained a few of the Top Chef contestants. We were not disappointed by the food. Holy yum. The Mr. had a roasted potato side dish that made us both audibly moan. I figured out how to make them last night. Roasted Rosemary Goat Cheese Potatoes )

In nerd news, did you know that you can go to NASA's homepage and plug in your zip code to find out when satellites, shuttles, and the ISS will be visible? Because tonight is a FANTASTIC night for people in the US and Canada to watch the shuttle disembark from the International Space Station, and you should be able to see it with high powered binoculars, if you don't have a telescope. VERY COOL. We'll be watching at 9:25, our local time, tonight. Check it out for your own region here.
Last week I drove down to Austin, met up with my new friend (the one with the pool and brains) and took her to see a screening of Blood on the Highway, a fabulous movie that I'm in. Howls of laughter. She passed the test. ;) If she didn't think that movie was funny, I would have had to put her on the bench. Whew! Smart, sassy, non religious right folks can be hard to find in my little neighborhood. (Um, the key word there is SMART. There are lefties/centrists around here, but they're into Jeff Foxworthy. Enough said.)

I finally watched a movie that had been pimped by so many of you on my flist and I have to say, Meh and a bit of a harsh frowny face, too. [i am not judging people who like it/got something out of it. I just have issues with it.] Talk about Cannibal Holocaust, a very violent and gory movie. )

Books: I loved Pump Six by Paolo Bacugalupi so much that I'm RE-READING it. Like, I finished it and turned back to page 1. I don't know when I've ever done that with a book that wasn't Anne of Green Gables. If you are fascinated by eco-terrorism, by corporate farming, by any environmental issues plus you love post-apocalypse stories with some future tech thrown in, I just can't recommend this enough. Hell, even if you're not into that stuff, you need to read this. Awesome food for thought on where we're headed as a species, but it doesn't beat you over the head with morality at all. Even better.

For those of you with tweens to teens (or if you love fun YA books) you have to pick up j user="oatmellow">'s book Bite Me! Fun vampire in high school story with a mystery thrown in. It starts off with the protagonist having to break up with her boyfriend because he's becoming her step-brother. I mean, what's not to love here? I read it and passed it off to my daughter, and she's telling her friends to go buy it (because let's face it: we all need to support book buying since so many of us are either writers or wanna be writers, right?) Cute, fun story and it's getting great reviews. Plus, it's going to be a short series!

Next up: Brooklyn and The Wilderness, the last on rec from [livejournal.com profile] swmbo. Thoughts? Comments?

Birthday! Mine is coming up, but my Emily's is the day before mine. <3 She's my early birthday present. We're going to have a combo birthday party this year and she and decided to make a Charlie the Unicorn cake, banana coconut flavor. There will be pictures. CANNOT WAIT. It's even going to have the "oh my god, they stole my freakin' kidney!" stitches. LOL. And on my actual birthday, I will be jumping out of a perfectly good plane on a tandem sky dive jump. DUDE. They're giving me champagne afterwards, and also a video during the jump, and loads of pictures, too. Those will be forthcoming. \o/

And lastly, storage! I've moved in to Ikea, apparently. Food storage dreams. I CAN'T HELP IT, I'M A NERD. )

Oh, crap, one last thing. Who watched The Colbert Report last night? And how many of you thought of that internet wank when he mentioned the man who... loved a horse? ME, TOO. Aw, that makes me want to go back and finish Stallioncrest, lol. Whatever, haters, that's some of the funniest stuff I've ever written. :D)
1. I'm sad at how few people got the geek code yesterday, but grateful for those that did. And we shouldn't feel shame. We're awesome. hahahaha. Here's the answer )

2. I'm trying to write up a query letter for an agency today, an agency suggested by my film agent, who told me to "tell them I sent you." I'm trying to work that in and not sound like a jackass. It's harder than it seems.

3. It's going to be 80 degrees today and I am going to sit outside in my garden and read more of Y: The Last Man Standing, which is freaking fun and page-turning. (For those that asked, it's available now in graphic novel form with 5 issues/chapters per book, 60 issues/chapters in all.)

4. There are big changes afoot, I can just feel it. I'm kind of giddy with anticipation, it must be said. :)
Yesterday? loved it. I ended up getting an audition call (for a back pain specialist, perfect timing, lol) and was right near the best comic book shop in town. Naturally, I needed to find out what I've been missing in the graphic novels/apocalypse horror genre. The owner was there and we talked about Joss, Dollhouse, Firefly, BSG, Lost, and most importantly, the end of the world. Would it be religious? Would it be due to our own hand? Most importantly, is surgery - installing a metal plate in your brain - feasible? Good times. Also, man there are SO MANY AWESOME Apocalyptic series out there, why wasn't I told?? There are about five or six series he showed me, but since it turns out that I'm made of flesh and not money, I only bought two starters.

1: Y: The Last Man, and are you freaking kidding me!? The sum-up is that something causes every single male mammal from sperm to fetus to geezer to drop dead, without warning. Planes falling from skies, cars crashing into each other, etc. All but ONE man and his pet monkey. (!!) Geneticists are trying to get a hold of him for obvious reasons, he's trying to get to his girlfriend half-way around the world, and a lesbian biker gang wants to kill him. SIGN ME UP, DUDE. :D Also, this is complete and available in trade paperbacks, nice.

2. The Preacher, sum up: Hobv. he's a religious man and God starts to speak through him. Like, Indiana Jones and the Lost Ark burning rays and melting faces speaking through him. It's a religious kind of End of Days thing, and he sets out to find out why God is such a jackass, and why he's using him. Featuring his hard-drinking ex-girlfriend and an Irish vampire. I MEAN, WHAT?! Cool thing: it was completed in 2000, so no waiting for editions, woot!

The other series looked more my speed, but he didn't have the first ones to the one that REALLY rang my bell, Crossed, so when he gives me a ring-a-ding-ding, I'll post about those, too, in case this strikes anyone's fancy. (Sum up: zombies are smart. It's an infection, they lick bullets and shoot people to infect them, that sort of thing. Smart Zombies? Can there be anything more frightening?? Also, it's more about the survivors than braaaaaaiiiiiins. Awesome.)

Yesterday I made a couple of iron ons (who doesn't like iron ons?!) and one of them may be the geekiest thing ever made. No, I'm not joking. I don't know if I'm incredibly proud of myself, or feeling a deep, paralyzing shame about it. Iron On Under The Cut. )

And why I do not want to be aligned with geeks: the creepy baby robot that Japan made (STOP IT JAPAN. YOU'VE REACHED YOUR FREAK LIMIT.) now is trying to TEACH ITSELF HOW TO WALK. And it makes creepy baby noises. And flails like a baby. And it's teaching itself all of this. It's like the scientists WANT Terminator to come true!! If any company named CyberDyne starts up, I'm singlehandedly going in to dismantle it. Ditto on Weyland-Yutani. And if you got that reference, bonus points in your column.

Last, but not related, today is narrowing down which agents to submit my manuscript and to polish up my cover letter. Yeesh.
If this isn't funny to you, you might not enjoy hanging out here. I'm just saying. I have been laughing all morning at this, most especially at the "bonus gift with purchase if you act now." Oh my god, so funny. "Guys, we're gonna damage the nation's meat bananas one coc% shot at a time." This isn't work safe, unless you work at a totally cool place where you can say cuss words. (C word for dudes, F word at the end)



And in cleaner ha has, this picture never fails to crack me up. Mostly because I hear the cat singing "One! Singular sensation, every single step she takes..."

I'm filming a commercial tonight for a local dentoost en EspaƱol, which continues to crack me up. I mean, I'm in TEXAS. And they picked me? (Hint: I'm not Hispanic.) Alrighty! *cashes check* (I'm going to try and convince them to let me say it as Christopher Walken. Why won't anyone let me do my impressions? Hahahaha.)

[ETA!!!] NERD ALERT: check out these AWESOME free papercraft downloads to make your own ships! From the Borg Cube to Star Wars Sandcrawlers! DUDE.
That song came on the radio yesterday and I cannot get it out of my head. Feel free to offer up new ear worms for me.

  • I pulled NaNoWriMo together in the end, WHEW. Finding that last chapter and notes for three others (I'm a fan of outlines) got me over the finish line. Congrats to those of you that made it, as well!
  • Today is bread day, yum
  • Today is also homemade pizza day night, holy yum
  • This dude, while clearly having too much time on his hands, is seriously awesome. He took a midi drum pad (you use this for studio-type work) and kitted it out for GUITAR HERO. And won on expert. If you've got 8 minutes, watch him waste "Through The Fires And Flames" with a DRUM. (note to new folks: I have a serious thing for drummers. It can't be helped, only encouraged) This guy was clearly a quad player in HS and college. Cool things (to me:) he set his kit up for double notes so he could play three notes at a time with two sticks. THAT IS SO COOL. I don't care about the nerd factor, that video makes me want to get the same kit for Mr. S (a former drummer) and watch him and have sexy tiems. :D
  • Continuing on the nerd train, for my fellow Trekkers out there, here are some steampunk Star Trek wallpapers. Spock, natch, is my favorite followed by the Chekhov and Sulu poster. :)
  • Continuing on the steampunk train *shovels in some coal* this guy makes steampunk Lego kits. I don't care how old you are, those are too cool for school. Side note about Legos, if you want to get a cool present for someone into Legos, you can submit a drawing and they'll make a Lego creation just for you. If you have a little boy that's drawn something, how neat would that be for him on Hanukkah or Christmas?
  • And a head's up: that steampunk blog will suck your day away, if you're not careful. I spent a solid hour looking at their astrolabe pics. Am I the biggest geek, or what? (I mean, come on. Steampunk Stormtroopers!!)
  • Lastly, this is a website that will print CUSTOM FABRIC for a very reasonable price, imo. $18 bucks a yard for your own design? Nice. (Considering that high-end designers charge well over $180 per yard.) How many times have you wished you had just the right material for drapes, etc, but nothing was quite right? I plan on using this service a LOT.



It was [livejournal.com profile] thebratqueen's birthday this weekend, someone whom I've had the pleasure of meeting and working with on a panel. TBQ? I hope it was lovely, that there were delicious foods and proper teas, and that the animals gave you many lovings!
Movies are failing my LIFE lately. So.... Han Solo was a FURRY?? George Lucas, why do you hurt me so?! WHY? I must say, the comments are pretty lulzy:

"His Wife? A Wookiee."
"Wookiee Nookie" (I did it all for the Wookiee [what?] The Wookiee [what?] So you can take that cookie and stick it up your [ass!]...)"

Questions this inevitably raises: is CHEWIE the wife? How did Chewie feel about Leia, then? Were there three-ways off screen? Why do I have to go here, George? Why must you constantly ruin my childhood?! Han Solo, HE SHOT FIRST. Into a Wookiee. (Tension breaker, had to be done.)

Now, though, I'm wanting to re-read the Horse-wife wank and head desk all over again... Another comment of haha but sorrow: "We now need someone to rape a whale to top this crazy." Oh, please. Christmas is coming soon...

~this post is neither paid for nor endorsed by the "Change the meaning of Humpback in Humpback Whale" Constituency

The Internet ruined me, y'all. When you're mentally correcting people's spelling of Wookiee (two ee's, please) you have no hope for ever being considered cool. *loses the game of life* Wait, wait, people nerdier than me. Okay, I'm not at the bottom of the Geek Flow Chart, whew!
Picture it: Sicily, 1912! (I can't let the Golden Girls go, I'm sorry.)

REAL ENTRY: So I'm on my short walk this morning (7 miles because I am Sasha Fierce, Beyonce) and cars are passing, the occupants starring at me. I hate being stared at, incidentally. I'm growing more irritated with every car passing me (and I'm walking into the wind, y'all know that stiff winds ARE MY ENEMY,) and begin to get paranoid, because I'm nothing if not a rational, calm human.

Are my tits hanging out?
Am I popping nips?
Is there blood on my leg, or is a giant man in a frightening mask following me?


On and on. A landscaper riding a lawn tractor is SLOWING DOWN and staring at me quizzically, and that's it. I stomp over to some trees under the pretense of "stretching" and check myself out. Fine, fine, everything covered, nothing amiss, WHATEVER, PEOPLE. I grab my mp3 player out of my waistband (I'm wearing a new pair of capri-length leggings that don't have a pocket, so my mp3 player is jammed in my waist band. Because of my walking, it's slipped down a bit. Ahem. And I see that the cord for my headphones is hanging down enough so that it's tucked up into my ladybidness, so to passers by, it appears that I have jammed an iPod up my cooze for safe keeping, or some such.

I WOULD STARE AT THAT, TOO.

Jesus hell, people, you can't take me anywhere. Oh, the laughing I did at myself, which only made more cars wonder about the crazy lady on the side of the road, probably setting her thingamabob to vibrate and enjoying herself in public. BWAH.

Stoney: 0
The World: A billion

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