Good Morning! How about some bad!fic with your coffee?

[stoney321]

Like a pig in shit. That would be me with this next batch. And since we have people that can't appreciate the fantasticalness of mocking... HA! I am winning friends and influencing people already, I can tell. Here's the standard statement, because I don't feel like flocking.

Disclaimer: This is about poking fun at over the top language. I do not support, nor will I abide the author being "outed," insulted personally, or linking to her/his works. Yeah, I know some of you know who she/he is, but most don't, so just have fun with the words, and not attack the person. I'll delete your comment if you link to the author or name them, okay? Everyone feel better now? Okay! Put your drink down. Fair warning!



In the "That word... I do not think it means... what you think it means" Category:

• Her eyes wondered the room and focused on his bedside drawer. Then Buffy felt her way over to the orbs on the floor and popped the philosophical trouble-makers back into their sockets.


• She teased [the slit] to produce the clear liquid excitement and trialed hot wet kisses back up. Excitement. Well. Now I really think they're a he. Here's a tip: it's only exciting if it's being shot in your eye during a christening. By the priest. TRIALED? *slams gavel on the cock!* I decree this weiner exciting!


• ...over and over until his clouded excitement filled her mouth Clouded excitement. Let the icon making begin.


• ...flesh impacted flesh Okay, the improper use of impacted drives me NUTS. If you cannot shit, your bowels are impacted. If you tooth won't come out, it is impacted. Two broken ends of your thigh bone trapped under your skin? Impacted. Something collides with something else? It HAD a strong impact with the other thing. Impact (as in collide) is a noun. The adjective - not verb - is about poop. That is not sex-talk.


• ...cunt waves "They're Tsunamical!!" This could be a new hairstyle, like finger waves. I have no idea.


• Buffy knew nothing would fully rid herself of him sense she was hooked on his semen for life Oh, dear lord. How many TIMES do I have to tell you people that semen tastes like a handfull of nickels on a hot day? SENSE. That's a hard one, apparently, and cropped up time and time again, along with want/won't. Which is just bizarre to get wrong.

In the "So. You skipped Biology class a lot. Right?" category, also known as "No. Bodies don't work like that. AT ALL":

• the intensity of the soul-stirring kiss made her heart beat rapidly in her chest and her vagina Whoa! Wasn't there someone on Star Trek with two hearts? Am I mixing up my sci-fi? Maybe Spike is blowing too hard if he is pushing her heart down into her cootchie...


• ...as the muscles of her quim...licked and tickled him to orgasm ENOUGH WITH THE MOUTH METAPHORS. Vaginas are not REALLY mouths. And therefore cannot LICK. And ick to "quim" for the thousandth time. Not a hot word. Just me?


• Buffy's pussy began whispering nasty things to her brain "The Holocaust was a lie." "Man never did walk on the moon." "This author is award winning." Wait, wait. The last one is true. The pussy cannot be trusted!

In the "Let's just take a baseball bat to the dictionary, because it's not doing you any good" Category:

• They had a lunch slash hotel date. Okay, we say slash, but um... it doesn't - . *sigh* Hotel/lunch. Why was that hard?


• She kissed the head of his maleness You know, the part that caused him to tune her out when she spoke, leave his socks in the middle of the floor, use every dish in the house when he microwaved leftovers... His maleness.


• [William, licking the alphabet on her lady-bits] causing her to rain hard cum drops. A less popular brand of candy from Brachs, true.


• He lingered in her thoughts like smoke in a man's pipe And his rain hard cum drops required a special bristle brush to be cleaned out, just like crusted old tobacco in a man's pipe. And why is it a MAN'S pipe? No women chomping on the corn cob? Hee hee! That's a dick joke!


• ...thoughts of missing him entered her mind. Which was strange, as she normally kept her thoughts in her vagina, you know - with her heart.

Small category, but always necessary: "I am NOT a MARY SUE! Okay, I totally am."
(a romantic evening's plans)

• She and William were going to watch her favorite movie, Pretty Woman. Aw! The hooker movie where she gets punched in the eye! And still takes the money. That's a great movie.


• They were going to stay in and make tacos and margaritas. Tacos. The food of romance! Also: you KNOW you went there with the word taco. Don't front. Am I the only one thinking of Señor Draco?

William has written poetry to express his feelings for Buffy:

• "The silent speeches from your eyes/I know you want to say this is deep/Baby its very grand!" If anyone could explain this to me, that would be great. No, wait. That would be GRAND! Let's all go down and fly kites and drink lemonade. *harumphs and puffs out chest as the barbershop quartet harmonizes the latest melodies - because that is grand.*

In the "That is not even the TINIEST bit sexy, and I'm a forgiving person" Category:

• ...she was coming, voicing her ecstasy through exaggerated sounds of the letter M followed by the word "yes." Okay, this was a tough one, because it could have gone above. But I sat here, and tried to make those sounds. Followed by yes. Do it: make exaggerated M sounds. And then a rousing yes. Are you turned on? Okay, I totally am now that you're doing it. Chicky-bow-wow.


• ...the white-headed blonde man All I'm saying is a little witch hazel on those white heads will clear you up. You're blonde, chances are you're fair skinned, those white-heads aren't exactly hiding, hear what I'm sayin', hombre?


• ...locked like mating insects Has to be one! They put one in every single story. Kingdom Animalia is about tapped, so we may move to Fungi. HAWT.


• ...the double penetration set off an erotic musical of dirty words The first Tourette's musical! I, for one, am buying front row seats. Oh, wait. Are there sexy songs in Urinetown? I never got to see that one...


• She looked down and watched his cock come to life before her eyes "It's aliiiiiiiiive!" Slap some bolts on the side, toss a blind girl in a pond, and awaaaaaay we go!

In the "I've confused being a STALKER with loving someone a lot" Category:

• He wanted to get lost in her and erect a barbed-wire fence around them both. And call her Berlin instead of Buffy and shoot anyone who tried to scale her. And show "re-education" tapes all day long and propaganda films.


• William was still swelling inside her like a fresh black eye. !!!!!! OH. MY. GOD. I am fucking ridiculously wet from that. Like a snapping aligator. *eats Brachs candy* Wow. I'm kinda sad for her. Um, should we put a raw steak on his pee pee?


• ...wanting to change the mood, William pulled out a Swiss Army knife Ahahaha! My favorite by far. "Look! It has a saw, a retractable cable, four sizes of knives - one's a boning knife - and tweezers to remove any evidence!" The screwdriver to pop out her wondering eyes is just a bonus.

Yeah. That would change the mood. And now I have: "so what 'fore my wondering eyes should appear, but a white-headed man with hard cum drops, I fear" in my head. And finally, all by itself:

The saltiness of sex and the sweat scent of passion permeated the twisted sheets as their twisted limbs connected in fucking awe.

Okay, this can go a few ways. In fucking awe, like, FUCK YEAH! You are AWED, BITCH! Or. My fucking gives your limbs awe. You are in AWE of my fucking. See how clever that really is? We won't discuss twisted. It's too obvious and is beneath us.

Oh, one last one: "It seemed to never end." *holds lighter up* Thank god.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Hee! Now I'm jonesing for some cum drops...

[tx-cronopio.livejournal.com]

Oops! That was me, above. I forgot that I was sharing my computer this weekend and thus my autologin was turned off.

[lynnenne]

Vaginas. They lick and suck and TALK. Is there anything they can't do?

Buffy's pussy began whispering nasty things to her brain "The Holocaust was a lie." "Man never did walk on the moon."

"Freemasons run the country!" [ /Simpsons ]

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Heh. Good morning! *hands you the secret stash of Brachs candies*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

HA HAHA!! Oh, is there NOTHING the Simpsons can't improve upon?

Man, this person is alllll about the smells and the mouth as vagina talk. It almost makes me get why some women hate themselves. They've read this crap.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I BOGGLED when I read that. And this was one of the "high romance" fics. Because a black eye is tender and loving, and if you just wouldn't MOUTH OFF, I wouldn't have to do that, because sometimes you just don't know how you SOUND, and I love you, but Jesus Christ, and where is my POT PIE???

*sniff* That is soooo romantical and sexy.

[lynnenne]

Last night someone used an icon on kita0610's journal which said, "Can't sleep. Vaginas will eat me." Which ties into both The Simpsons *and* the mouth thing. I think you need to go borrow this icon. *nods*

[chantal87.livejournal.com]

"The silent speeches from your eyes/I know you want to say this is deep/Baby its very grand!"

Are you sure this isn't a Britney Spears song?
And just so you know. I totally went there with the Taco dinner reference.
Thanks again for making my afternoon brighter. You are fabulous.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

HA! I saw that icon. HILARIOUS.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

HA! I can ALWAYS count on you. And... totally looked at places in southern Germany online and poked my husband to see if there were job opportunities with his firm.

I AM FOLLOWING IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS. Hee!

(OH! I'm an ass. It was Veteran's Day, and I completely forgot to ask you to tell Boyd thank you from me. His dedication and your support to allow him to serve humble me, darlin'. Big love to you both.)

[zyrya]

Sweet, merciful crap! It started out dreadful and got worse and worse (and funnier and funnier!) until I'm a helpless, giggling bundle and my SO is going "honey? you okay? what's ...?" and then he reads it and we're both rolling around scaring the cats and crying with laughter.

FANTASTIC way to end the day, gorgeous! MmmmmmmMMMMMmmMMMM YES!

[chantal87.livejournal.com]

I AM FOLLOWING IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS. Hee!

WooHoo! Man that would be super fun.
Tell Mr. Stoney to get off his hiney and start job hunting.

Thank you for the Veterans day shout out. We took the opportunity to go out and drink ourselves silly.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Ahahahaha! SERIOUSLY. You made my audience ridiculously wet with your M'ing.

I still say my favorite is: Spike wanted to change the mood so he brought out a Swiss Army knife. Hee hee!!

HI THERE!! *tucks you in, kicks the SO out of bed and hums against your neck*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

AH! The icon! *weeps with the memory of the beauty of Europe*

Good luck with the car! I would be scared too. You are a brave little toaster!

(And our goal is to "retire" there when the kids are out of school, but I keep reading about the fantastic schools in your posts and... Hmm. Plus? Pretty.)

[tinpanalley.livejournal.com]

Ok...I've come to realize that super hilarious badfic mocking and a day at the office are unmixy things! :) And yet, it makes the day bearable! Hmmm...

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

Buffy's pussy began whispering nasty things to her brain "The Holocaust was a lie." "Man never did walk on the moon." "This author is award winning." Wait, wait. The last one is true. The pussy cannot be trusted!

The Holocaust lie did me in. And you know what *I'm* singing, right?

I'll be fine and dandy! Lord, it's like a hard cum drop Christmas...

[yin-again.livejournal.com]

So glad I put my drink down.

Also: "Hooked on Semen Worked for Me!"

<3 you, you maniac.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

They are NOT unmixy things! It makes the Monday soooo much better!

*laughs*

[ladycat777.livejournal.com]

*stares* I, um. I'm scarred for life now, I think. Oh, man. Just ... oh man.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

HA HA HA!! I'm still stuck on the knife and black eye. In the LOVE STORY. I am in fucking awe. Or, in awe of fucking. I'm not sure.

Hee!! *sings with you* Hard cum-drop caaaandy mountain!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

It's so fun to read the incorrect words as if they were used properly. The "I want leave you" and "I wont a piece of gum" lines are just boggling.

Love you back!

I'm thinking babelfish is being used in the translation somewhere...

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh, pish tosh. This isn't even CLOSE to the SNAPPING VAGINA ALIGATOR MUSCLES of yore.

You look like you need me to change the mood, hang... hang on. *gets an axe, lowers the lights, puts on Helter Skelter* Are you feeling me?

[ladycat777.livejournal.com]

Um. *runs away, fast*

Also, I adore you. That was totally what I needed this morning.

This author is award winning?! The I Heart Bad 13yrold Writers Award?!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes they are. They have won quite a few awards, truth be told.

I believe it was the "OMG, Keerstynnne Totally Loves My Writin' And I Get Outt of HAH SKOOL Soon" Awards. Or, you know, ALL of the Spuffy awards.

NO BASHING OF SPUFFY INTENDED WITH THAT STATEMENT. Just the people who voted for her. Heh.

[janedavitt.livejournal.com]

Mating insects? In a smut fic? I... no words. None.

Ack.

Well, maybe that one...