A Series of Confessions and an Unrelated Joke

[stoney321]

First the joke (it's my form of Dutch courage): A husband and wife were drinking wine and relaxing when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad." The wife thought for a second and replied, "Your penis is much bigger than your brother's."

*deep healing breath*

Okay. I have a confession to make. This isn't easy, but this is a goal I set for myself - to put everything I'm afraid of about myself out there. If people drop off from reading this journal as a result, then I can be strong enough to accept it. Ooookay.

The easy stuff first:

• I have a serious (and unexplained) crush on the kid with the blindfold that puts the Rubix Cube together in that commercial. That "Haha, I did it!" smile when he sees he fixed it? I'm fourteen and pushing my glasses up my nose and hoping to bump into him outside of our shared Physics lab. You shut your judging mouth!


• I also have a serious (but explainable) crush on Supernanny. Her low-class accent, her hair that really needs a trim (oh, honey those dried and frail ENDS! *clutches pearls*) and her no-nonsense approach that is completely welcoming and loving? Maybe I have a mother fixation. Ain't no "maybe" about it. Also, I bet she gives awesome hugs. Mmmmmm.


• Last night I flipped through my satellite channels and caught "Saturday's Warrior" on the BYU channel and I ALMOST WROTE PAM/JIMMY non-con twincest quad porn. I'm CRYING WITH LAUGHTER right now, mostly because NONE of y'all get that, except for maybe my sister and floweringjudas. Just... just follow the link. It's a Mormon propaganda MUSICAL about why it's okay for Mormons to have loads of kids. (Imagine Springtime for Hitler, but less Jewwy.) (Also, please note how the LDS church compares this BABY-MAKING MUSICAL to literature like... BEOWULF.)

On to the hard thing. I... I watch "Wife Swap." YOU KNOW WHAT?! YOU KNOW WHAT?! I know. I know it's crap. I can feel every single brain cell that holds mathematical formulas and periodic table data crying out as they are squashed to death, so I don't want to hear it. But let me tell you something: I don't care, because of episodes like LAST NIGHT. Oh. My. GOD. (Well, not my god, because I defy him and all His works.) ((Oooh, side note. Last week was a heavy metal rocker family from Texas and a MENNONITE family from Wisconsin. That was also cracktasticly wonderful.)

One family: San Franciscans, urbane, cultured, meticulous in their appearance and home. (The husband is a professional stylist, the mother a PA for the Day.)
Two family: Iowan farmers. Their children do NOT GO TO SCHOOL. Um, notice I didn't say that instead, they were HOME schooled.THEY ARE NOT SCHOOLED. At all. Teenagers. Um, kay. But the kicker? They eat EVERYTHING RAW. This is not the Hollywood raw diet of loads of fresh veggies and fruits. This is: slaughter a chicken, cut the meat up and EAT IT RIGHT THEN. Also: they do not wash their hands. The cutting board. The counters. The floors. The shower. Let me remind you that they LIVE ON A FARM. Where they milk COWS AND TEND GOATS AND CHICKENS. And then go in and EAT without WASHING THEIR HANDS. That have been on teats. And hooves. *pukes*

So here's WHY Filth!Family doesn't: bacteria is good and healthy.

And... they're right. To a point. *uses my Microbiology degree for the first time in ages* Only 1% of bacteria is harmful. The rest is normal flora and keeps you in balance and yes, is good for you. Which is why in MY home I refuse to use "anti-bacterial" soap when I WASH MY HANDS. Because that 1% of harmful bacteria? Well, it can kill you. (E. Coli any one? um... STAPH? Tetanus is the most painful looking disease ever, and that's in SOIL and on FARM EQUIPMENT. ...I get my Tetanus shot every NINE years, just to be safe. Good lord.)

What the HELL, people? Poop! Poop under fingernails!! And they use their hands to mix their raw milk curds *gag* with what the hell ever else in these Mason jars that are EVERYWHERE (oh my god that house was DISGUSTING) and they have to drink keffir every five hours or they get sick and just... *hands* That poor city woman. She had to live there LIKE THEY DO for two weeks.

Here are some of the highlights on the crazy! (I ran on the first commercial break to grab a notebook. I alternated between scribbling like crazy and covering my mouth in horror.)

• Filthy!Family eats 12 - 15 raw eggs a day, a piece. Raw MEAT. Raw meat, people. Oh, some of it is left in jars and stuck in cupboards to become "high meat" after several MONTHS. *woozy*


• No cleaning products, because it kills the bacteria - and bacteria is your FRIEND (and the kids are isolated on this farm, so.. yeah. I imagine the kids naming the various fungal cultures on the SHOWER CURTAIN. (I worry about the 15 year old boy striking up a hot romance with a botulism ring on the sink drain - she's never going to leave her family, kid.)


• toothpaste is made of BUTTER AND CLAY (even 19th century people used mint leaves and willow bark, dipwads!) Every one of them had gingivitis, btw. And grey lined gums. BLEH.


• You can't use insecticides because they (the INSECTICIDES that apparently have brains) don't know if YOU are an insect or not and will kill YOU*


• families must be prepared for the APOCALYPSE and have a one year supply of food in the pantry (pfft. Mormons teach TWO years, you wimps.)


• The kids, who are wan and grey-faced, have NO FUN. They work on the farm all day long, which (according to their mother) is their school and all they need to know. (!!!!)


• did I mention the fungal growths on the shower? That... is supposed to be health-inspiring? *pukes* There is literally shit every where. There is a GOAT wandering in and out of their house. Jars filled with... stuff every where. Blankets that aren't washed and towels and EEEEEWWWWWWWW. The Clean!Mom sat on the very edge of everything. I don't blame her. cannot imagine the courage it took to find somewhere to sleep in that filth.


• when the Clean!Mom puts her foot down on the raw meat, and forces the Filthy!Family to go to a normal restaurant and eat COOKED food, they all get French fries. *eye roll*


• ...which makes everyone get "cramps." Which makes the dad BAWL like a wuss, I mean, that was the most theatrical crying I'd ever seen from a man, and I used to do musical theater, people. He was sliding down the (filthy) wall next to the (filthy) toilet, throwing his arms over the (filthy) commode and wailing how this was "killing [his] children. It's killing them!!" Dude, one night of fries ain't the enemy. The poop on that toilet seat, however... GROSS. *Karen Silkwood showers*


• The Filthy!Wife (who looks like a polygamist) is in SF trying to throw out the Stylist!Husband's Gucci and Armani. WHAT ON EARTH. He does not let her. Also, she LICKS THEIR FLOOR. To prove that she won't die.


• She LICKED THEIR FLOOR. Then did a sarcastic eye roll and said "oh, no I'm dying from the gerrrrrrms." Woman, you are gonna die from my foot up your ass. Oh, the Clean!Dad has a moment alone with the cameraman and is obviously perplexed and asks, "Who just goes into a person's house and licks their floor? This woman is insane!"


• Later, Filthy!mom gasps and theatrically struggles to "use her words" to tell the cameras that she "got a whiff of bleach from your CHILDREN'S BATHROOM** and that was hazardous to [her] health." Also, later she explained that without raw meat and sour, clumpy milk (I did not see these farm people eat ONE GREEN THING. Aside from their "high meat" oh, GAG) there was no "fat in [her] brain, and [she's] having a hard time choosing... [her] words." *insert theatrical blinking and staggering.*


• When Clean!Mom gets home, she cleans EVEN MORE. Uh, YEAH. And her family is adorable. Her oldest boy is quite the dapper dresser at 6 - he actually TEARED UP when Filthy!Mom told him he had to wear Dickies overalls while she was there. Hahaha.


• Filthy!Family is a bunch of freaks, and I still cannot get over the dad screaming and crying because Clean!Mom wanted to clean up the mess. I cannot stress enough that there were JARS OF MOLD and caked on junk on EVERY AVAILABLE SURFACE of their little dilapidated farm house.


• Filthy!Dad used my most FAVORITE ARGUMENT as to why their lifestyle was good and just: "do you think God would put something on this earth that will harm us?" FOUR SYLLABLES, DUMBASS: URANIUM. Want another? PLUTONIUM. One last four syllable rebuttal: OTHER PEOPLE. I eyerolled so hard, I'm now looking down my esophagus.

* this is just false. Insecticides don't just kill everything in their path, they are selected by WHAT they kill, firstly. They kill by attacking insect systems, like neurotoxins, or metabolic systems. Oh, also: follow the fucking instructions, people. If you dump a gallon of Dursban on your roses and you get half of it on you, you'll get sick. You won't die, though. End rant.

** the SF children are going to DIE because their mother kills all of their bacterial friends with bleach and dusting spray, according to Filth!Mom. She likes this whole "think of the CHILDREN!" angle. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HER. This woman is kah-ray-zee

EXHALE.

So, that's it. There's my big confession. I watch crack TV when I could be finishing a book (Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales, in the original Middle English - fun!) Or breathing open-mouthed. Or hitting my head with a hammer repeatedly.

What, you expected me to reveal that I'm a hermaphrodite? That's going to be my birthday present to you!! (In case you couldn't tell, I'm still in a terrific mood. Yay!!!)

And I bet you feel a need to clean yourself after that, huh? *passes the bleach*

Comments

[petzipellepingo.livejournal.com]

"do you think God would put something on this earth that will harm us?" FOUR SYLLABLES, DUMBASS: URANIUM. Want another? PLUTONIUM. One last four syllable rebuttal: OTHER PEOPLE. I eyerolled so hard, I'm now looking down my esophagus.
Lead, asbestos...the list goes on.
And I bet you feel a need to clean yourself after that, huh? *passes the bleach*
Can you hook it up to the shower? I'll stick to the unsanitary Roman days, thank you very much.

[sweptawaybayou.livejournal.com]

omg. i can't believe i missed that one!!!

I love Wife Swap. It is just so very, very wrong it can't be helped. It can only be waaaattttcccchhhheeeeddd.

:)

Damnit! Now i have to wait for reruns.

*rolls your eyes back*

**smooches**

[brandil.livejournal.com]

I worry about you. Then I worry about myself more because I read what you wrote about that shit you watched.

I think mouth breathing would have been a better option.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Woman, don't you do it. DON'T YOU MOCK ME.

Because I beat you to it, nyah nyah. *mocks self* And WHATEVER: that show is pure crack. First taste's free! :D

[dancetomato.livejournal.com]

As someone who knows a thing or two about confession I have to tell you: Some sins are better left unspoken.

*scrubs myself raw*
*awaits your apologetic slathering of me with rich yummy smelling lotion*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I KNOW!! Did you see the Pagan family and the religious motorcross family??? (And the Pagan family's kids were the NICEST. CHILDREN. *beams*)

Oh, the CRACK. I should feel shame, and yet...

Hee!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I will sin you up, woman. I WILL SIN YOU UP. (pretend that makes sense. I'm all giddy because it's sunshiny and nice outside)

And I'm now singing like Rod and Tod Flanders: Oh I've got joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart! Who? Down in my heart!!

*slaps some cream on yo ass with both hands*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Wait, you WANT poop and vomit in your streets? I'll stick with the sanitary days of Now. Hee!

[thepiratequeen.livejournal.com]

*DEFRIENDS*

Heh. I won't go into some of the stuff I watch or some of my crushes. I'm not quite ready for that yet.

You know what , Bridget? I love you just the way you are.

[darlas-mom.livejournal.com]

OMG "Saturday's Warrior!" I remember that! I'd forgotten about it until you mentioned it just now, but I know what it is! I went to Mormon private school for a year, remember? I also went to two months of seminary--which should be called cemetary, as you go at five o'clock in the damn morning to be brainwashed and everybody's a zombie ;-)--and my Mormon best friend's mom was a singing/piano teacher who made her daughters (and me if I was over at the time) do the soundtrack from that damn thing. Which is how I know Lex de Azevedo was a composer for it.

Annnnnd I am simultaneously horrified and enchanted by this episode of "Wife Swap." It sounds so digusting and vile and full of crazy people. I have this cavewoman (or perhaps Roman noblewoman) instinct that draws me to look at it in morbid fascination.

(Incidentally, I have watched one episode of "Wife Swap" myself, with the CRAZY-ASS Christian woman and the earth mother-y Wicca mom being switched, and I almost cry with horrified laughter every time I remember how she came home and started screaming at her daughters about Tarot cards and how they didn't pray for her and blah blah blah. It's like a train wreck. Or something. I'm running out of metaphors.)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

EH. MEH. GEHD.

Heeee! And awww. Let it out. Let those crushes out. (Srlsy, I &hearts: Supernanny!!) *makes you blue soup*

[solipsiae.livejournal.com]

My face contorted so much while reading this. High meat?

HIGH MEAT?

I... there are no words. I kind of wish I'd watched this. How do people like that even know to apply to be considered for a reality tv show?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I can't believe you know about Saturday's Warrior!!! hee hee! I remember singing "Line upon Line, Precept on Precept" for an audition for The Wizard of Oz. And there's your random fact for the day.

Wow on the Tarot Card/yelling mom! I didn't see that ep, as I am a new convert to the crack, but ... convert I am. I'm all evangelical about it. IT IS SO INSANE AND OBVIOUS and makes NO sense what so ever, I... *hands*

<-- the only appropriate raw meat

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

HIGH. MEAT.

It was green and grey, and the WHOLE TIME they kept trying to say you should eat raw food I was WAITING FOR SUSHI. Of course, where are you going to get sushi in Iowa? Oh, ANGIE. People are gross and wrong and I like watching them.

And yeah! I didn't see a TV in their house, either, so they must have been nominated by a local villager or something. Hahaha.

(Hi hi hi!!!)

[sdwolfpup.livejournal.com]

*collapses in your arms, sobbing in relief*

I watch Wife Swap, too! I have for months and months. It's on our DVR. I WAS HAPPY TO SEE IT RECORDED LAST NIGHT. I haven't watched last night's yet though. God, it sounds awesome awful. And the double-header with Supernanny? That's my Monday Lineup, baby.

Re: <-- the only appropriate raw meat

[solipsiae.livejournal.com]

Are you kidding? SUSHI DOESN'T COME FROM A FARM.

I'm really curious about this "local villager" now. I know you said Iowa, but I can't help but think of total hillbillies. America can be scary.

NOW THAT BETH IS GETTING MARRIED I THINK MAYBE WE'LL ACTUALLY MEET! I hope I don't scare you! I can be somewhat excitable!!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh, T!! *holds you, pets and soothes* Shhh, shhh, let it out. Let it alll out.

DO NOT TRY AND EAT WHILE YOU WATCH. Oh, Supernanny!!! She helps this single dad who is devasted by his divorce (and a full time parent) and I teared up time and time again.

I am so glad I am not alone!!!!

Re: <-- the only appropriate raw meat

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

No, no Filthy!Mom was in SF for two weeks, and she took them to a farm to SLAUGHTER A CHICKEN IN FRONT OF THE BABIES and show them where "dinner" was coming from. And I was waiting for them to realize they could eat SUSHI instead of a freshly killed CHICKEN. Gah.

These were Children of the Corn people all growed up and reproducing. HE WANTS YOU, TOO, MALACHI. HE WANTS YOU, TOO.

We TOTALLY need to meet!! Why has it taken this long? beth loves you to bits, which means I will, too, because she has AWESOME taste, YAY!! (I think I'll be down at the store this FRiday, btw...)

Re: <-- the only appropriate raw meat

[solipsiae.livejournal.com]

OH GOD. What are some keywords I can try to search youtube for this episode? I really want to see this now!

I think it's taken this long because I am shy and lazy! I will try to come to the store Friday if I'm not feeling like deathypoo (I'm detoxing right now)...

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I don't know - I just checked (quickly, not thoroughly) and found nothing. BUT! Here are the family's bios from last night on abc.com

And no worries if you aren't up to snuff Friday - I'm sure we'll catch up SOMEHOW!

[violethamster.livejournal.com]

I used to watch Wife Swap all the time, until I finally realized it was going to give me an aneurysm one of these days from all the impotent fury. It's like seeing pictures of famine victims in National Geographic: "O.M.G.!!!11 Stop taking pictures and give that kid a fucking sandwich!" instead it's "O.M.G.!!!11 Stop filming and call CPS!"

And Supernanny rawr. Nothing pisses me off more than incompetent parenting and she just...makes it all better!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

oh my god, you and me BOTH. She makes everything better and puts her foot down! Then hugs everyone and calls them darling. Hee!

Yeah. I don't know how much longer I can watch this show. It's INSANE. On PURPOSE! But next week looks pretty entertaining... <-- omg, someone stage an intervention!

[wickedgrdn.livejournal.com]

As someone who lives in Iowa, I am deeply shamed and embarrased, LOL. Thankfully, I live in the civilized part of Iowa. Where the frilly heck do these people come from? As a sidenote, I to have succumbed to the crack that is Wife Swap. Love that show. ;) *hides*

[dancetomato.livejournal.com]

I am TOTALLY going to force Essene to make me a nekkid DanRad icon with "I will sin you up" as the caption. Yis.

[petzipellepingo.livejournal.com]

On television, you betcha! In RL, you are talking to the woman who vacuums the inside of her refrigerator to suck up the little crumbs.