Mormons and Eclairs and Spike, Oh My!
Oct. 10th, 2004 09:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stoney321 My younger cousin who, incidentally, is saving her first kiss for the wedding altar (I am not shitting you. She's 23 and has "virgin lips" - all of you naughty girls and boys are thinking of the wrong ones. REALLY virginal, this girl.) and has decided to take her first marriage proposal after dating "seriously" for two weeks.
Background on my family, father's side: they came over with the original handcart companies with Brigham Young and helped found places like Provo and the Provo canyon. Hard core Mormons. For those not in the know, it is common for die-hards to be virgins on their wedding night, and the new trend is to not even kiss until after you say "I do." SOOO much they are missing out on.
So she found a boy as virginal and naive as her (and I LOVE my cousin - she's a sweet as people come) and they are getting married in less than a month. That is true Utah style: date, engagement and marriage in about a month.
So she called her parents to fly out here from Salt Lake City to meet the boy. Her parents, her new beau, my cousin, my parents, our uncle and his wife, and all my brood were at my house for a feast to celebrate the upcoming nuptuals. A prayer was spoken over the food, and I think it lasted as long as it took everyone to eat. My dad REALLY tries to not breathe at all when he prays.
Since they are from the most Red of these our United States, talk (of course) turned to politics, and my lovely husband was able to point-counterpoint all of their Pro-bush (notice that?) rhetoric with facts and got them to stop trying to "convert" us. We purchased Farenhiet 9/11 yesterday and had it prominently displayed, and they made faces at us, as if we had "Cindy Does DVDA!! ALL NITE LOOONG!!" out. Then talk turned to Jesus. And all about repentance, etc. Oh, that was for me, don't you know. Because I showed so much promise as a youth in the Mormon Church, and then just left. Blech!!!! For the record: don't believe in any of it. Religion of any kind. Not a whit.
So my head is pounding, and I see that![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dovil is back and also my BFNLJL crazydiamondsue, and karabair has completely lied about taking a break (and I am glad!) so I have this for you, to bring on the funny ha ha. The first adventure of Wee!Spike can be found here
More Wee Spike!
Disclaimer: I am high on crack and meth and probably some fish tranquilizers and I drank a whole bottle of cough syrup and vanilla extract. I am not accountable for you not laughing. Are you made of STONE?
Rating: NC-17, or I'll die tryin'
*~*~*~
Angel was relaxing on his chaise lounge, completely aware of how sexy and standoffish it made him. He wasn't reading the paper, just holding it in a sexy manner so his muscles rippled and his shirt was opened a bit. He kept looking out of the corner of his eye to see if his Childerere was watching. He was.
Spike walked through the doorway, made a dramatic stop, cocked his head, and did "jazz hands."
"Looking for me, Grandsirererere?" Spike made a sexy path towards his mate-lover-sire, bobbing and weaving until Angel began to feel a little seasick.
Angel growled. Spike growled. Spike picked up the paper and sat down next to him on the chaise, snuggling into his grandaddy-sirererere. Angel smiled to himself and snuggled his lover into his embrace. He's so delicate and tiny compared to me. Sometimes I fear I'll break him.
As Angel pulled Spike closer to his tight embrace, he noticed that Spike seemed smaller. He could now fit his entire lean and, truth be told, albino body into the crook of his arm.
Spike looked up adoringly to his mate-lover-sire-Childrerere maker and said, "I feel so safe with you, love."
As Angel's dead vampire heart swelled with dusty pride, he smiled down on his fragile little granchildrerere-lover-mate and pulled him up to his chest and snuggled him some more. I never cuddled with Darla. Who would have guessed that vampires can have such an abundance of sweet, tender moments? And with that he nuzzled his face into the crusty, pokey hair of his lover.
"Cor! Blimey! And other interjections not appropriate for my background! Angel, Peaches to my Cream! I'm shrinking!"
Everytime I think of how petite and delicate little schmoopy Spike is, he's gotten smaller...
A teeny voice squeeked up to him, "help me! Codswallup! Bloody Hell! I'm no bigger than a gerbil, or some other small rodent like creature!"
Angel picked up his wee little lover and held him in the palm of his hand. "Aren't you just the cutest little devil!"
"Oy! Demon!"
In his sweetest, schmaltziest voice, "Yes. Who's my little demon? Who's Daddy's little killing machine!"
Spike grinned his biggest smile at his lover-mate-granpappy-biter, mainly to convey with his little head his joy at still being loved. And he felt stirrings that would seem impossible...
Angel was stroking his little pokey blonde mousie wousie with his finger, but didn't realize he was stimulating a little more than a dead, dusty heart.
Spike dove to the neck of the black, silk shirt Angel had on and climbed his way down Angel's chest.
Wish he'd stop fucking waxing his chest... Make it alot easier to climb down...
Spike soon found his goal. He stripped off his miniscule denims and climbed aboard Angel's schlong, riding it like a bucking bronco. Angel lay back on the chaise, enjoying the pleasure his Lilliputian lover was eliciting. Spike held onto the slit of Angel's dick, and rode him like a bat out of hell. Spike quickly came, Angel heard a tinny, whirring sound that he later realized was the sound of a shout from his itty-bitty man-lover, and then Spike climbed down further to help his pre-progenitor climaxxxx. (The extra X's are for what he'll do.)
Spike found the wrinkled, greyish-redish puckered skin hole and dove right in. Angel gave a yelp and almost rose off the chaise, but as he had gained a lot of unexplained weight over the years, didn't quite make his ass leave leather.
Spike began digging and clawing his way to his prize. He found it against the wall of his lover's rectum, his prostate. Fortunately, Angel was lying prostrate, so Spike could press on his prostate easily. And press it he did. He started singing "Anarchy" by the Sex Pistols to himself, pressing hard on the emphasized words.
And I am an anarCHIST
And I am an anti-CHRIST...
And I.... WAN- NA- be----YAH
AN-AR-CHY...
Angel shot his wad all over the room, painting it in his semen, although it wouldn't make a pretty painting as "cream" is more of a tone than a color. He fell back and smiled with pleasure.
"Spike? I don't know if you can hear me in there, but it's a good thing we are vampires. Prostate cancer is the leading cause of cancer death among non-smoking American men. Oh, and it's a good thing I'm not American, even though I sound like one."
Spike poked his head out with a *pop* and replied in his diminutive voice, "Right. It's really sexy to be safe, you know? It's a real turn on to know I can completely trust you, Non-Whelp-Lover-Gramps. Give us a rest, and we'll have another go, yeah?"
Angel popped him out of his poop chute, carried him to the sink, rinsed him off, and wrapped Spike in a Kleenex. He snuggled his baby wee lover-amoeba in his arms, and they drifted off to sleep, safe and content in each others arms. Except for Spike because he was too wee.
*~*~*~*~
Dear god, do I have ANY friends left after this??
Background on my family, father's side: they came over with the original handcart companies with Brigham Young and helped found places like Provo and the Provo canyon. Hard core Mormons. For those not in the know, it is common for die-hards to be virgins on their wedding night, and the new trend is to not even kiss until after you say "I do." SOOO much they are missing out on.
So she found a boy as virginal and naive as her (and I LOVE my cousin - she's a sweet as people come) and they are getting married in less than a month. That is true Utah style: date, engagement and marriage in about a month.
So she called her parents to fly out here from Salt Lake City to meet the boy. Her parents, her new beau, my cousin, my parents, our uncle and his wife, and all my brood were at my house for a feast to celebrate the upcoming nuptuals. A prayer was spoken over the food, and I think it lasted as long as it took everyone to eat. My dad REALLY tries to not breathe at all when he prays.
Since they are from the most Red of these our United States, talk (of course) turned to politics, and my lovely husband was able to point-counterpoint all of their Pro-bush (notice that?) rhetoric with facts and got them to stop trying to "convert" us. We purchased Farenhiet 9/11 yesterday and had it prominently displayed, and they made faces at us, as if we had "Cindy Does DVDA!! ALL NITE LOOONG!!" out. Then talk turned to Jesus. And all about repentance, etc. Oh, that was for me, don't you know. Because I showed so much promise as a youth in the Mormon Church, and then just left. Blech!!!! For the record: don't believe in any of it. Religion of any kind. Not a whit.
So my head is pounding, and I see that
dovil is back and also my BFNLJL crazydiamondsue, and karabair has completely lied about taking a break (and I am glad!) so I have this for you, to bring on the funny ha ha. The first adventure of Wee!Spike can be found hereMore Wee Spike!
Disclaimer: I am high on crack and meth and probably some fish tranquilizers and I drank a whole bottle of cough syrup and vanilla extract. I am not accountable for you not laughing. Are you made of STONE?
Rating: NC-17, or I'll die tryin'
*~*~*~
Angel was relaxing on his chaise lounge, completely aware of how sexy and standoffish it made him. He wasn't reading the paper, just holding it in a sexy manner so his muscles rippled and his shirt was opened a bit. He kept looking out of the corner of his eye to see if his Childerere was watching. He was.
Spike walked through the doorway, made a dramatic stop, cocked his head, and did "jazz hands."
"Looking for me, Grandsirererere?" Spike made a sexy path towards his mate-lover-sire, bobbing and weaving until Angel began to feel a little seasick.
Angel growled. Spike growled. Spike picked up the paper and sat down next to him on the chaise, snuggling into his grandaddy-sirererere. Angel smiled to himself and snuggled his lover into his embrace. He's so delicate and tiny compared to me. Sometimes I fear I'll break him.
As Angel pulled Spike closer to his tight embrace, he noticed that Spike seemed smaller. He could now fit his entire lean and, truth be told, albino body into the crook of his arm.
Spike looked up adoringly to his mate-lover-sire-Childrerere maker and said, "I feel so safe with you, love."
As Angel's dead vampire heart swelled with dusty pride, he smiled down on his fragile little granchildrerere-lover-mate and pulled him up to his chest and snuggled him some more. I never cuddled with Darla. Who would have guessed that vampires can have such an abundance of sweet, tender moments? And with that he nuzzled his face into the crusty, pokey hair of his lover.
"Cor! Blimey! And other interjections not appropriate for my background! Angel, Peaches to my Cream! I'm shrinking!"
Everytime I think of how petite and delicate little schmoopy Spike is, he's gotten smaller...
A teeny voice squeeked up to him, "help me! Codswallup! Bloody Hell! I'm no bigger than a gerbil, or some other small rodent like creature!"
Angel picked up his wee little lover and held him in the palm of his hand. "Aren't you just the cutest little devil!"
"Oy! Demon!"
In his sweetest, schmaltziest voice, "Yes. Who's my little demon? Who's Daddy's little killing machine!"
Spike grinned his biggest smile at his lover-mate-granpappy-biter, mainly to convey with his little head his joy at still being loved. And he felt stirrings that would seem impossible...
Angel was stroking his little pokey blonde mousie wousie with his finger, but didn't realize he was stimulating a little more than a dead, dusty heart.
Spike dove to the neck of the black, silk shirt Angel had on and climbed his way down Angel's chest.
Wish he'd stop fucking waxing his chest... Make it alot easier to climb down...
Spike soon found his goal. He stripped off his miniscule denims and climbed aboard Angel's schlong, riding it like a bucking bronco. Angel lay back on the chaise, enjoying the pleasure his Lilliputian lover was eliciting. Spike held onto the slit of Angel's dick, and rode him like a bat out of hell. Spike quickly came, Angel heard a tinny, whirring sound that he later realized was the sound of a shout from his itty-bitty man-lover, and then Spike climbed down further to help his pre-progenitor climaxxxx. (The extra X's are for what he'll do.)
Spike found the wrinkled, greyish-redish puckered skin hole and dove right in. Angel gave a yelp and almost rose off the chaise, but as he had gained a lot of unexplained weight over the years, didn't quite make his ass leave leather.
Spike began digging and clawing his way to his prize. He found it against the wall of his lover's rectum, his prostate. Fortunately, Angel was lying prostrate, so Spike could press on his prostate easily. And press it he did. He started singing "Anarchy" by the Sex Pistols to himself, pressing hard on the emphasized words.
And I am an anarCHIST
And I am an anti-CHRIST...
And I.... WAN- NA- be----YAH
AN-AR-CHY...
Angel shot his wad all over the room, painting it in his semen, although it wouldn't make a pretty painting as "cream" is more of a tone than a color. He fell back and smiled with pleasure.
"Spike? I don't know if you can hear me in there, but it's a good thing we are vampires. Prostate cancer is the leading cause of cancer death among non-smoking American men. Oh, and it's a good thing I'm not American, even though I sound like one."
Spike poked his head out with a *pop* and replied in his diminutive voice, "Right. It's really sexy to be safe, you know? It's a real turn on to know I can completely trust you, Non-Whelp-Lover-Gramps. Give us a rest, and we'll have another go, yeah?"
Angel popped him out of his poop chute, carried him to the sink, rinsed him off, and wrapped Spike in a Kleenex. He snuggled his baby wee lover-amoeba in his arms, and they drifted off to sleep, safe and content in each others arms. Except for Spike because he was too wee.
*~*~*~*~
Dear god, do I have ANY friends left after this??
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-10-10 07:53 pm (UTC)Next, you should do an AU story where Angel and wee!Spike are Mormons. And must hide their forbidden virginal lurve from their many wives.
I'm currently Vas Deferns with laughter.
Date: 2004-10-10 08:17 pm (UTC)I can see those two eating a couple of missionaries, and through the course of impersonating them to get people to open their doors and invite them in, are turned into true believers.
I think this is the sickest thing I've ever written. Um, intentionally. Thanks for playing along and getting the joke.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-10 08:19 pm (UTC)Dude... I have no words, just applause, which you cannot hear.
Oh and Pro-bush virginal mormons? I'll just leave that one alone.
You are my BFNLJL! Fer reals.
Date: 2004-10-10 08:25 pm (UTC)Jesus, I am grossing myself out. But I'm laughing allll the way.
What disturbed me you ask?
Date: 2004-10-10 08:29 pm (UTC)Can you have two BFNLJLs. What's a BFNLJL?
no subject
Date: 2004-10-10 08:29 pm (UTC)Here's the deal-iyo
Date: 2004-10-10 08:32 pm (UTC)Best Friends 'N L-J Land, sillikins!
*play slaps your arm*
Come do my hair in a braid.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-10 08:34 pm (UTC)Tee hee! Wee!Spike!! Shrinking vampires are HAWTTTXXX. (The extra T's and X's are for how they can really scratch an itch.)
Re: Here's the deal-iyo
Date: 2004-10-10 08:42 pm (UTC)I'll braid your hair, but I refuse to paint your toenails. Hand me a rattail and a scrunchie
No pedicure???
Date: 2004-10-10 08:51 pm (UTC)Fucking precious, I'm serious.
Can you tell I'm in a crazy mood? I just defended Jabba the Hut in 's journal. WTF? This is what happens when the devout come bearing gift of eclairs and cherry pie.
Re: No pedicure???
Date: 2004-10-10 09:02 pm (UTC)I have a huge leopard print scrunchie that I begged my mom for 6 yrs. ago. It cost $9 and she said I had to take care of it. I still have it. The puppy plays with it.
Mmmm... pie...
no subject
Date: 2004-10-10 09:39 pm (UTC)Spike walked through the doorway, made a dramatic stop, cocked his head, and did "jazz hands." There are no words.
...mate-lover-sire-Childrerere maker Little bit 'o pee came out.
"Cor! Blimey! And other interjections not appropriate for my background! Angel, Peaches to my Cream! I'm shrinking!" Laughed so loud, Caza stopped watching Angel reruns to check on me.
Wish he'd stop fucking waxing his chest... Make it alot easier to climb down... Got up, went into living room to get Angel chest visual, came back, snickered some more.
..ass leave leather. Just loved that.
as "cream" is more of a tone than a color. Seriously? Almost called you, realized it was 11:30 and settled for bouncing madly in the chair.
...and wrapped Spike in a Kleenex.*Thump*
Okay, if I ever see Angel refer to Spike as "little one" in a fic ever again, I'm posting this link in the comments. You are a goddess. I get excitement at your feet.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 01:03 am (UTC)I see that you were in a crazy and naughty mood ?
But , why , why don't you want to be naughty again with spuffy ?
* see my begging eyes*
*love you , and hugs you , sweetie*
no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 02:51 am (UTC):::hugs you:::
no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 06:04 am (UTC)I don't cackle. I guffaw, chortle, and might, on occassion, hee haw. But I don't cackle.
Favorite word in this tale? Lilliputian. Favorite two words? Skin-hole.
I warned you, didn't I?
no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 06:06 am (UTC)(This story is what happens when I'm pumped full of cherry pie, eclairs, and too much drink.)
no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 06:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 07:33 am (UTC)Wish he'd stop fucking waxing his chest... Make it alot easier to climb down...
Hee hee hee
no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 07:33 am (UTC)And what a lovely idea to write a little story only for me ;
What ? You suggest it ! And then you won't have to worry about thinking you're " the least popular spuffy writers in the entire kingdom" ( and that's absolutely not true , of course ) . I want , I want I want ! My birhtday is January 12th .. :)
no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 07:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 07:40 am (UTC)No chortle? Cackle is fine. 'Tis the season and all. I'm glad you laughed, Caza. I'd hate to freak you out more before you two headed down here next week...
"Yes, but aside from that, Ms. Lincoln, how was the play?"
no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 10:42 am (UTC)btw, is it wrong that i wasn't disturbed by your writing? or are we both equally fucked up? hee!
no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 11:16 am (UTC)What ISN'T normal is waiting until you are legally married before you have your first kiss. (Seriously: WTF??)
no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 11:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 12:35 pm (UTC)And of course a little tale written by you would be a wonderful gift , but I don't want to put pressure on you . I was teasing you - a little - .
Don't want to bother you , since you explained that you don't feel writing this pairing anymore.
So , ONLY if it can be a pleasurable experience for you ..?
no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 05:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 05:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-11 05:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-12 01:54 pm (UTC)When I was 14 or 15 or so, I had cybersex (regularly!) with a guy who had a giantess fetish. I remember typing a scene in which I inserted his whole body, feet-first, into my cunt.
Luffly!
Also, this is gold, from the original mockmeister:
Angel looked proudly at his lover. He had never felt so blessed before watching Spike breastfeeding their daughter. She would have to be weaned off before reaching her first year and would be fed human food after that.
Is it common practice in pregfics that vampire newborns suckle blood instead of milk? Shit gets so out of control sometimes.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-12 02:36 pm (UTC)Second, shit DOES get out of control. And then I mock.
Third, the giantess "rebirthing" the lover? Priceless.
Last, the fact that there could be a "common practice" in vampire pregfics regarding what to nurse the baby with is frightening.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-13 10:10 pm (UTC)Cor! Blimey! And other interjections not appropriate for my background!
*Didi choking on diet Coke* Thank you for skewering "Cor", perhaps my most despised non-canon Spike phrase.
Wish he'd stop fucking waxing his chest... Make it alot easier to climb down...
*more spluttering laughter* I have to say that Spike is the pot calling the kettle black here. What those guys have to go through to please the smooth-body fetishists. *shakes head*
Thank you for a delightful diversion.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-14 05:37 am (UTC)"Cor" can be irritating, but the sexual PSAs drive me up the wall. And Spike being a delicate girly-man when in his Sire-Pops-NonWhelp's presence.
There may be more this weekend... (And you're welcome and delightful.)
no subject
Date: 2004-10-18 04:02 pm (UTC)I can just picture this...*snicker*
"Cor! Blimey! And other interjections not appropriate for my background! Angel, Peaches to my Cream! I'm shrinking!"
In his sweetest, schmaltziest voice, "Yes. Who's my little demon? Who's Daddy's little killing machine!"
lol...oh wow...that's all I got. So glad sue rec'd these *g*
no subject
Date: 2004-10-18 04:24 pm (UTC)But wait! *says in sexy voice* There's more. *whispers* So much more...
Feel free to stick around until you can't take anymore!
no subject
Date: 2004-10-19 11:40 am (UTC)Re: Here's the deal-iyo
Date: 2004-12-03 07:50 pm (UTC)I'm so glad read the warnings to this, because I was eating pudding, and that's really not good to do a spit take with.
Please do drink large amounts of cold medicine in the future and write strange fics. Do.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-02 02:46 pm (UTC)Everytime I think of how petite and delicate little schmoopy Spike is, he's gotten smaller...
A teeny voice squeeked up to him, "help me! Codswallup! Bloody Hell! I'm no bigger than a gerbil, or some other small rodent like creature!"
Angel picked up his wee little lover and held him in the palm of his hand. "Aren't you just the cutest little devil!"
"Oy! Demon!"
In his sweetest, schmaltziest voice, "Yes. Who's my little demon? Who's Daddy's little killing machine!"
*keels over, finally dead from all the laughter*
Dear god, do I have ANY friends left after this??
Um. . . . *raises hand, but not too high. doesn't want the mutual friends to see*
no subject
Date: 2005-04-27 04:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-27 04:41 pm (UTC):-D
Okay, consider that *points up* fair warning. You mean you haven't read my piece de resistance? Lubed! The Grease parody? Wow. It was nice knowing ya. *hides from you with SHAME*
no subject
Date: 2006-07-26 07:38 pm (UTC)How the fuck did I miss this?
no subject
Date: 2006-07-26 08:08 pm (UTC)Bwah ha!! I cannot WAIT until you get to the MUSICAL. (Dum dum DUUUUM)
no subject
Date: 2006-08-05 02:38 pm (UTC)*shudders* Mormons frighten me. President Bush anyone?!?!?!
So does the girl down the hall at college who, when I was upset about something, put her hand around my neck, put my head on her shoulder and prayed for me... that's not normal right? I'm not the only one who thinks it's a little weird?!?!?!
Anywho... I wish your cousin all the best in her completely virginal state, which shall hopefully not be too much of a disaster.
*remembers her dad's advice* "If I thought it'd make you happy to screw around I'd encourage you to do so. But I don't, so try your best not to. My one other piece of advice is for your first time, make sure you like, if not love, the guy and hope like hell he has some experience or the whole thing will probably turn out disastrous" I love my dad, he's so cool, and considering some of my friends' first times, I definitely agree with his advice.
Ok! As for the fic... Monumentally weird. Funny... Hilarious in fact. I loved it! Not that I was turned on, but I giggled a lot and had fun reading it. I also loved your pointing out of inconsistencies.
Thanks for the fun!
Kk
no subject
Date: 2006-08-05 02:54 pm (UTC)As for my cousin, she's happily married now, but yeah. It's a different lifestyle for sure. Bush isn't Mormon, for the record. Just a loony Born Again Christian... But boy, wouldn't the Mormons love to call him one of their own!
no subject
Date: 2006-08-05 04:39 pm (UTC)*stares at her pretty icon*
Glad to hear your cousin is doing well and i will be reading more of your stuff once I've slept.
NIIIIGHT
no subject
Date: 2006-08-05 07:19 pm (UTC)I love the Childererererer crap. This was hilarious. A little gross, but hilarious.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-08 08:35 pm (UTC)Coming as it did after Rummy's dismissal and whatnot, it's like a dirty, ass-puckering cherry on my liberal non-value-voting sundae.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-13 02:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-29 02:12 am (UTC)