"Mahana, you ugly." and other life lessons I was taught.

[stoney321]

I watched a movie last night that reminded me of a church lesson I had beaten into my head: "I am an 8 cow wife." Anyone know what I'm talking about here? For those not familiar, it's the Legend of Johnny Lingo, a film BYU produced in 1969, based on a short story from the early 60s. Given the culture of women at the time, it's offensive but is to be expected for the times (I'll tell the story under the cut). What is really crazy is that this was re-produced in 2004, and is still the most beloved LDS movie of all time, even more than Saturday's Warrior, which is my personal favorite because it's a birth-control musical, lol. NO, REALLY.



The story is this: on a Polynesian island, women are "bought" from their families with livestock, a so-so looking wife would fetch 2 or 3 cows, an extraordinary beauty would get upwards of 5 cows. (Are you now wondering how many cows you are worth? No? You wouldn't make a good Mormon, then. Hee.) Mahana is ugly, plain, thin, and OLD. I mean, guys, she's like 19. (No, really. That's in the story.)

Mahana's dad can't stand her because she's shy and walks hunched over and it couldn't be because her dad says she's worthless and a burden, right? Oh, wait, that's not the point of this tale. So Johnny Lingo, the greatest trader of Samoa, or where ever, is passing through, ready to give up some bovine for some lady lovin'. Who will he take? How much will he offer? Mahana's dad is told to trade her off for anything, high ball Lingo with 3 cows so he'll get talked down to 1. Heaven forbid they end up trading chickens, the pennies of the Polynesian world, you know what I'm saying? How embarrassing!

Well, long story short, (and the movie is 30 minutes long) Lingo offers 8 cows! For Mahana! Everyone is scandalized. This is blowing their tiny third-world view point! Ah, but Mahana hears that she is worth 8 cows, and emerges from her hut and OH MY GOD SHE IS PRETTY. Guys? [Get a tissue.] Guys? Because she knew that someone valued her, it made her beautiful. Once she knew her worth (in the monetary form of cattle) she was able to stand up, not be such a sour puss, and magically become attractive to everyone else.

I was taught to be an 8 cow wife, to know that I WAS an 8 cow wife. Sometimes it was a lesson to teach me how to find a mate (the more important aspect of an LDS teen's life) or to teach me that I had worth, because GOD (or Heavenly Father, as Mormons call him) saw my worth. O....kay.

Now, I get the warm and fuzzy feelings that people like to glean from this story, but as far as I'm concerned, this is a HORRIBLE tale. One, her father never gets taught a lesson about treating his only child like a piece of crap. "Mahana, you ugly." Before Johnny Lingo shows up the dad threatens Mahana, "Do you want me to cover you in bruises so Johnny Lingo can see what a disobedient wife you would make?" MAYBE THIS IS WHY I AM UGLY, DAD. Maybe lay off the beating stick and mean talk, I'm just saying.

The village doesn't learn that maybe they shouldn't continue to judge women by their looks as a determining factor of their worth, they all just realize that Mahana is pretty, ergo, worthy, in the end. Yay? And let's also not gloss over that men are BUYING WOMEN. And this, again, is a beloved MODERN story in my old religion.

Also, the racist and misogynist crap that is continually perpetuated from this story is just disturbing to me. There are LDS women TODAY that are advertising themselves as an 8 Cow Wife to find the right man.

You can watch it here.

And just maybe I don't want to be worth any cows. I want to be worth Orcas! I AM A TWELVE ORCA WIFE, let it be known. Ha ha ha.

A reminder: Orcas are the bullies of the ocean. They're the Mean Girls of the Sea!

Oh, and this just reminded me of the story of the Hot Guy in Class that asked the "crippled" [the word they use] girl in a wheelchair to the Big Dance, and she can't believe it, because how could anyone in a wheelchair expect to do something normal, and it ended up being the best day of her life because someone paid attention to her. Once. WOW THIS CRAP IS SO BAD. (That story, and my commentary on it, is in my book, btw. *G*)

Comments

[beadattitude.livejournal.com]

Yeah, like most "fairy tales," it has a pretty dank and dark underbelly. ::shudder::

[fabrisse.livejournal.com]

I wish I thought your fertile imagination had made that up.

*shudders*

On my one visit to Egypt, a guy joked with me about Americans all thinking that Egyptians would buy their wives or daughters with cattle. He said, "It's all wrong. It's camels."

Sadly, I don't think the people who made Johnny Lingo got the joke.

[the-soul-of-wit.livejournal.com]

Wow. What a story. Thank god you put such a humourous spin on things, or I'd be a lot crankier with these Mormons.

Speaking of, a couple of really cute Mormons came by to give my grandma a copy of the Watchtower or the Mormon Bible or whatever they're handing out these days, and I went "urg you are so cute why are you so crazy cute boys!!!"

Not to their faces; that'd be weird. But in my head, I was definitely berating them for letting their good looks go to waster.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

But this is a MODERN "fairy tale" that girls REALLY EXPECT to happen.

I'm not joking when I say that some LDS girls tell potential mates that they are 8 cow wives.

[mecurtin.livejournal.com]

I think your "wtf no seriously wtf?" tag says it all. Though part of me now wants to hear you talk about "Saturday's Warrior". But it's too early in the day for drinkin'.

I am horrified/fascinated by the Wikipedia page, which says (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LDS_movies#Johnny_Lingo): It was not as well-received as expected, because of the rewriting of the pivotal bargaining scene to make Johnny a weak, almost desperate character.

Tell me more, O native informant!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHAHAHA. I mean, that's wrong, but it's FUNNY.

Yeesh.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

HEE, the Watchtower! Oh, you HAVE to tell any Missionaries that you wish they'd give you one of those. :D (That's the Jehovah's Witness, btw. They're big rivals. Hahaha.)

[mecurtin.livejournal.com]

I googled for "8 cow wife" and my soul is now very sad.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I'll have to see if I still have up the post I made about Saturday's Warrior - it has an entire chapter dedicated to it in my book. I'll add the link to the post if I can track it down.

Oh, yeah, the weakened Lingo! (lol) Men must be strong, praiseworthy, and Godly. Weakness is not allowed. Why do you think there are so many closeted Mormon males?

[jerusha]

I am obviously a one chicken wife, because in that world? I would suck. Lucky for me I found a man who has his priorities in the right place.

[beadattitude.livejournal.com]

Which makes it worse, yes. I mean, hopefully, those girls wanting the whole Cinderella wedding experience aren't waiting for mice to make their dress. Or standing expectantly in a pumpkin patch. Because that would be dumb. Yep, you're right. This is waaay worse.

Saturday's Warrior

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I briefly talk about it here and again in comments with Floweringjudas towards the bottom of the page.

I may have to post over at my book journal an excerpt from the chapter, it's so damn funny, unintentionally so, of course. :D

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

But maybe you're worth one of those fancy chickens with floofy feet and plumes! Don't sell yourself short - someone will find value in you, and THEN. THEN you can be pretty. LOL.

[jerusha]

I do like the fancy chickens. They're pretty.

Of course, I tend to think I'm pretty darn valuable, but that has nothing to do with my looks, and everything to do with my sass.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

YOU ARE A NINE DONKEY WIFE.

Re: Saturday's Warrior

[mecurtin.livejournal.com]

That post was very bad for my digestion, because it includes the Wife Swap Dirty/Clean ewwws. *skeeves out*

Re: Saturday's Warrior

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

SORRY. That was pretty horrible. Ick.

[maybe1ce.livejournal.com]

How can that be a top LDS movie when "Sons of Provo" is still out there languishing?

I had a number of (still active, but persistently mouthy, LOL) LDS friends who had HOURS of fun mocking the 8 Cow Wife. One had a running joke going with her husband where they'd constantly review each other using the livestock measuring stick. "Hey, babe. You'd be worth an extra cow if you made some popcorn." "What do you want with cows, we live in an apartment! Make your own darn popcorn." or "Sorry I'm so tired. I got no sleep last night. On the bright side, Steve is now a 12 cow husband, if you catch my drift."

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I think it's based on sales and number of times it's been played during Young Women's around the globe. LOL.

HAHAHAHHA, that's funny. I'm going to adopt that back into my daily vernacular, I think. i'm trying to remember some of the film strips we watched in Seminary that all were the same thing: if you did any sinning, you would die, and wearing prairie skirts makes Jesus love you. GOOD TIMES.

[othercat.livejournal.com]

...I generally do not connect cattle=wealth with Polynesian cultures. Was Mahana from a Masai family that immigrated to Hawaii?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Um, you can add that right up there with the Jews that left Babylon, migrated to Asia, built submarines with glow in the dark rocks inside (no means of steerage) and became Peruvians in the Mormon folklore, aka, one of the plots in the Book of Mormon. :D

SEE, THE PROBLEM IS THAT YOU ARE USING LOGIC. you have to stop that for the beauty to enter your spirit. ;)

[maybe1ce.livejournal.com]

Feh. Try being Catholic...we got to watch filmstrips about the martyrs...so, in other words, instead of death being the payoff for Sinning, it was the payoff FOR BEING GOOD. Oh, yeay. No wonder we all grew up to be such deviants. Sin may be naughty, but it keeps you from being burned at the stake!

[ethrosdemon.livejournal.com]

Ok. I watched the whole thing.

What is fucking me up isn't that that this was made. It was the 60's, considering how assbackwards and fucking stupid Mormonism is, I wouldn't expect anything else from that time. IT WAS REMADE IN 2004?

Goddamn.

Time to get drunk.

[ethrosdemon.livejournal.com]

The idea of a Mormon/JW rivalry cracks me up.

We all live together in a box shaped submarine...

[othercat.livejournal.com]

The submarines were part of the reason why I decided ex-boything's religion was made of "wtf." That and the women's class thing where I felt inappropriately dressed in a thigh-length gray plaid skirt and a blouse (my mom's idea of appropriate church wear). And also the missionaries that talked about their vast spiritual powers, and the woman who wept on stage because someone she was sponsoring was going on a mission to New York (omg) Oh, and the Debil Himself being confronted in a temple somewhere or something.

Also, the way money=sign god wuvs them best.

I have many stories about boything and his church/community.