It's an Oye Como Va on steel drums kind of day

[stoney321]

Translation: loads to do, not loads of time, need to shake my tail feathers and get things did. I have three recaps to write/edit (Two Jersey Shores and a Big Love, which I haven't watched yet so NO SPOILERS, PLEASE.) as well as make forty-seven million appointments for the family, laundry, make bread, cook 2 whole chickens, and of course, play an hour and a half of solitaire and ignore everything. I mean, get everything done in a timely order. At least I've already gotten my work out in? Gah.

BUT. GUYS. I have to tell you about an ABOMINABLE PARTY I got roped into attending (on a LIE. I was lied to, zomg!!) and it's just... Wow. I have a poll at the end because I want to know how you would deal with some of these things. I pride myself on my social manners. PRIDE. I have cotillion in my blood. My hemoglobin is the FANCIEST.

That's a southern thing, huh? Cotillion? Y'all up north didn't do that, did you? It was a finishing school/private school thing, right? Why are we talking about this?

OK. So my lovely friend Brainpool is usually who has the shindigs and hootenanies in our neighborhood, as they were the ones with the pool and the not caring about people coming over all the time attitude. I've met many people at their parties, don't always hit it off with them, but am polite in social situations, as you are. She kept telling me about this one couple, I'll call them Rock & Bird, that thinks the Mr. and I are great, and we all need to hang out, blah blah. I have NO IDEA who this couple is, but Brainpool insists we've met on many occasions. Um, okay?

So Rock & Bird had a party on Saturday and were gagging for me to come, like they had mentioned me specifically to Brainpool, emailed them a request for my presence, etc. Um, okay? The Mr. and Emily were camping this weekend, so it was going to be just me, and guys, I'm just not into parties where I've never been before, I'm not sure who people are, bah. I'm an old fogey. Also, I kinda have social issues. I would prefer to be home, in my hot tub, with a book and a glass of wine than forcing small talk amongst strangers.

(Don't get me wrong, I can totally be charming and "On" when I need to be, I just don't CHOOSE that for my entertainment, if you dig.)

I stomp and drag my feet and put on some party clothes and makeup and do my damn hair and grumble and drive and get there and make sure I'm in the right place and that my friends are already there (omg) and go in and find the host. She's this tall bird like woman, staggering about, tipsy already, and talking with a group of people. I wait for a break in the conversation and say, "Hi, I'm Brainpool's friend from the Halloween parties. I'm the Geisha." (I was told this was how she remembered me, from my elaborate costumes of the past few years.)

Blank stare.

"The, uh, the geisha? I'm Laura?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what that means?"

I'm red faced and trying to maintain my cool, everyone around us is looking at us now. "I was the angel statue a year ago? Um... I'm Brainpool's friend. Thank you for the invitation."

"I'm sorry, I'm drawing a blank. But I'm glad Brainpool invited some of her friends."

And she turns back to the others.

OH MY GOD. I storm over to Brainpool and scream-whisper, "She has no idea who I am! I just made a complete ass of myself."

She looked like the cat that caught the lying canary and said, "Oops! I just wanted you to come!"

JESUS EFFING BEE HOLES. No. NO NO NO, that is not how you get someone to come to a party. I was pretty embarrassed and pretty mad and incredibly uncomfortable. Somehow I got into a conversation with Bird Woman Hostess and it turns out that I didn't care that I wasn't really invited, because HOLY MARY MOTHER OF BILL WHO IS A KID I GREW UP WITH, she is the most boring human on earth.

On the whole entire earth. All of it. Maybe even the most boring of all time, I wish I could build a time machine - not to defeat Hitler - but to interview every person EVER and see if indeed Bird Woman is the most boring person that ever lived. That's how I would use that invention. And then I would be vindicated. THEN I COULD REST. (Can we rest now, Buffy? CAN WE REST?!)

Turns out her husband collects minerals. Alrighty. They have curios all over with half-dollar sized nuggets on display. As someone that enjoys the things of the earth, I drifted over and glanced at some of the displays and got cornered by Bird, who proceeded to tell me how they get them. In excruciating (and repetitive) detail.

"We go to shows and there are tables and they have boxes. Not big boxes, but like the lids of boxes. And they're made of wood. The boxes. The boxes that aren't really boxes, but more like lids. You take one of these lid boxes, that are made of wood, and you go to tables where they have lots of these boxes that are really like lids and they're filled with minerals. And you take the ones you want and put them in your lid box and..."

OH MY GOD SHUT UP SHUT UP HOW DO YOU TURN IT OFF?! And she's shit-faced by now. I mean swaying on her feet blasted. And I take a step back, because I really think she's going to fall on me, but she just shambles closer, like some kind of pre-zombie brain eater, except she wants to eat my TIME AND PATIENCE, not my sweet, sweet brain meat. Oh, and she's also an "Interior Artist" because she paints faux finishes (hey-o, 1988 called, they'd like their new decorative ideas back) and she wants to tell me all about how long it took her to learn how to paint a faux brick patch on her wall (are you some horrible strip-mall Sbarro?) and all of the glazes, and all of the OH MY GOD I DON'T CARE.

I managed to escape the retelling of the materials that make up the faux marble on the cabinet fronts she's working on, and drift into the dining room which has a picture of The Narrows, a pretty well known hike in Zion National Park. I point it out to Brainpool and mention that it's where dovil and I are going. Not that particular hike, but the park, and for newbies, I used to live there. I hiked Zion EVERY. WEEKEND. I know that place like the back of my hand.

So Bird drifts over and tells me that I'm wrong, because they bought that picture in the Grand Canyon and it's a place northwest of Freedonia, Arizona (omg, that is ZION NATIONAL PARK, YOU HALF-WIT, LOOK AT A MAP) and they paid some Indian, she thinks they were CHEROKEE (omfg) and they have this amazing red rock that's like sand, what's it called?

AND I AM BITING MY FIST OFF. My left hand is now slowly being digested in my guts, because I couldn't take it. 1) that is the NARROWS, that's a world famous picture, 2) Freedonia is south-west of Zion making the place you went...? And 3) those are NAVA-freaking-JO INDIANS, not Cherokee, and it's NAVAJO SANDSTONE. Which is why you think it's sandy. Because it is made of compressed SAND. And it's named after the Indians that live there. In the NAVAJO RESERVATION that is almost half of the damn state. Gah!!

She starts getting choked up, talking about how much the Cherokee love American Democracy, because so many of the rock formations are named after Presidents and I just excused myself and left. Are you kidding me with this!? Wow.

Horrible, horrible evening. I believe Emily Post is very clear on your need to politely extricate yourself from a social setting when you want to brain someone with a piece of their vacation memorabilia. But if you find yourself braining your hostess, for pity's sake, PINKIES OUT.

And last night I got a friend request on Facebook from her. I do NOT know how she found me, and she left me a message saying how great it was to meet me, blah blah blah.

[Poll #1669352]



Guys, I am still traumatized. TRAUMA. LOL, I like made up white people/First World problems. Wah, wah, my Birkin bag doesn't go with these Louboutins, whatever shall I do? Hahaha, I'm kidding. There's no such thing as a Birkin bag that doesn't match any of the Louboutins, that's crazy talk.

Side note, I took my teens to dinner on Friday night and my son held my chair for me, and the hostess stopped, clutched her chest, claimed it was the most adorable thing ever, and made the manager give us an appetizer for free. SEE? MANNERS ARE AWESOME. ;) (And seriously, my boy is pretty great.)

Comments

[sunnyd-lite.livejournal.com]

Do not friend! She sounds like she might use her flist to send out invites and this way you avoid the need for creative RSVPs in the future.

Brainpool owes you wine. Yes she does.

[mumsisdaughter]

Oh dear, poor you (and anyone else who meets her). Possibly she knows how boring her life is and cannot face it without getting sloshed. So sad that hubby BUYS his rocks. He'd be higher in my estimation if he actually took his little geologist's hammer and searched in the wilds for them himself. I hope you are fully recovered. Mind you, full marks for the introduction: I'm The Geisha/a Weeping Angel. Who else could get away with that!

[ryokomusouka.livejournal.com]

Second and third the wine owe-age.

Not to mention at least a half-hearted apology.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

OH, WHAT AN EXCELLENT POINT. I will say her husband was pleasant in a way. He was just there. Polite, smiled, but didn't really have anything to talk about. She's a deal breaker, for sure.

YES SHE DOES. ;)

Hail hail Stoney!!

[a-mistletoe.livejournal.com]

I want to be you. Here's a party line or two for you in the future.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Excellent point about buying the rocks! I'm not joking when I say there were hundreds of them. I.... well, everyone needs something to keep them happy, I suppose?

HAHAHAHA, maybe not the best introduction, but hey, that's how I was told I was known! :)

Re: Hail hail Stoney!!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

LOL, Groucho is always the best, am I right?

[brunettepet.livejournal.com]

OMG! I was thinking you'd been roped into a key party or a Republican fundraiser, but this sounds even worse! Brainpool obviously didn't want to suffer alone, but isn't that why she brought her husband?

Yes, manners are awesome. I like that restaurants now give prizes to boys that have some!

Re: Hail hail Stoney!!

[a-mistletoe.livejournal.com]

as rain or a trivet!

The woman at the party wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes. At least you know where not to go trick or treating this year.

[kriscat.livejournal.com]

Yikes! If it had been me, Brainpool would've been in the doghouse for putting me in that situation in the first place...

But I have a thing about showing up at parties uninvited/not knowing the hosts. Which made me the worst friend ever to drag along to dorm parties in college. ;)

I would either ignore her friend request, or if I felt a bit evil, accept it and then post 'helpful' links of articles about the Narrows and the Navajo on her wall...

[pghbekka.livejournal.com]

For heaven's sake, the story just kept getting worse! Like, when you said she proceeded to tell you how they got them, I was totally EXPECTING that it would be a story involving rock hammers and polishers and sure it would be boring but REALLY? This is how we buy them? OMG.

Brainpool owes you wine AND chocolate AND a SPA DAY.

On the plus side, I now have Oye Como Va running through my head.

[dampersnspoons.livejournal.com]

Your friend with the pool that invited you? Yeah, she should have known better than to A: lie to you to get you to come B: use flattery and "She loves you and wants to meet you" to bribe you to come and C: not know you well enough to know that you'd use that as a segue to introduce yourself.

I BLAME YOUR FRIEND, NOT THIS BORING PERSON WITH FAUX-INTEREST IN FAUX-INDIANS. Don't friend her, you owe her nothing. It's fucking facebook, who cares? Your friend, however, needs to not lie again because she wants you to attend a party so there is a buffer friend available when boring friend inevitably becomes boring. What's great about girlfriends? We say things like, "OMG this person is so boring, please come to this party with me so we can mock her and leave after we steal some free alcohol."

I UNLIKE THIS SITUATION.

[timba.livejournal.com]

Also an option, friend her, and then block all her posts, and using privacy options, block her from seeing yours. If she asks why you never post or comment in a message or something, you "just don't use FB that often"

:D

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

YEAH. Oh, and I mistakenly mentioned that my father in law was NASA's lead geologist, and I thought the husband was going to wet himself. NO NO I DON'T WANT TO BE FRIEN-

Aw, dammit.

Dude, Oye Como Va on steel drums is as awesome as it sounds. \o/

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Ahahahaha, key party! (There are rumors those happen in my Republican, God-fearing community, and I just BOGGLE.)

Um, I think Brainpool and her husband like them. I REALLY DON'T GET IT. Then again, they're the kind that find the good in everyone, wussies. ;)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

See, I too hate going to parties where I know no one, wasn't specifically invited, etc etc. That's just a no no, in my book, and it makes me very uncomfortable.

Ahahaha, I love your suggestion re: links on her wall. DEVIOUS and DELIGHTFUL.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Yeah, there will be no acknowledgement on FB, because of everything you've (and others have) said. GLEH. No me gusta, ay yi yi! Estoy triste.

NICE - I WILL DO THAT, TOO. (I do like to point out to parents when they're children have lovely manners. I hate that it's becoming so RARE.)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

BETH, BETH SHE WAS WRONG ABOUT THINGS I LOVE AND WAS TOO DRUNK TO CARE AND IT HURT MY SOUL. And yeah, I'm not happy with Brainpool, I'll be sure to emphasize how much I REALLY HATE BEING PUT IN AWKWARD SITUATIONS.

But the thing is, I think Brainpool likes this lady so... I don't know, it's all FUBAR. I don't have to like everyone my friends like, and vice versa.

I unlike the sitch, but I like you. And your FACE.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oooooh, sneaky! I always forget about the blocking option. Usually if I feel like I should block someone, I'm not going to associate with them in the first place. But it's a GOOD AND HELPFUL REMINDER THAT TECHNOLOGY CAN BE MY FRIEND. Even when she cannot. :)

[julia-here.livejournal.com]

These things also happened in the pre-facebook days, alas. I remember a Hallowe'en party (coincidentally enough) to which I was invited as one of a couple, back about three years into this decades-long comedy routine which is my monogamy with Mr. Space. The party was at a house close to my apartment, so I was to meet him, his housemate, and my female friend who was the cohostess and who had invited me at the place of the party. The other co-hostess' husband told me I should try to get there early-ish as I had not met his wife nor the women whose house it was held at, so I could get to know them before the party got too noisy.

Guess who was there when I showed up at 8:45 for an 8:00 invitation? That's right, nobody who knew me, and the reception was about as fucked as you can imagine. I actually left before any of my friends got there, as I had been (shall we say) actively encouraged to do so, being as how neither my friend who invited me nor the other friend whose wife was the most... active... in her encouragement that I decamp had mentioned the fact that I'd been invited and the group was unwilling to be convinced that I had any busness being there.

So, yeah, this is why I mostly throw parties rather than attend them.

Julia, you have been the random recipient of my one long comment of the week, I fear

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh man, that sounds like the WORST. I just hate awkward situations like that. Hate hate HATE.

[evamagick.livejournal.com]

I need to agree with you - "(Don't get me wrong, I can totally be charming and "On" when I need to be, I just don't CHOOSE that for my entertainment, if you dig.)" ME TOO.
Good lord. If my choice is to sit around in my pajamas with my husband, a cat or four, and a time wasting game or get dressed and go out and find parking blah blah, uh...I'm sitting on my ass.

And two - OMG! First, you need to smack your friend. That behavior is NOT appropriate, lying like that. She knows you have good manners and you'll introduce yourself to the hostess (or she should know, if'n she's a good friend. And second, you do NOT need to accept a friend request from the most boring, lame woman in the world. If you run into her in person and she asks why you didn't friend her (which she won't), just tell her that your Facebook is only for your closest friends, and give her your old MySpace page. ;)

[evamagick.livejournal.com]

Cause if you friend her, you'll have to dodge her ass online and in person for the rest of your natural. Honesty is the best policy. ;)

[menomegirl.livejournal.com]

Everything dampersnspoons said.

You obviously have more patience than I do. I wouldn't have been graceful under that kind of pressure.

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

And I take a step back, because I really think she's going to fall on me, but she just shambles closer, like some kind of pre-zombie brain eater, except she wants to eat my TIME AND PATIENCE, not my sweet, sweet brain meat. I was pounding my fist on my thigh at that point. COMEDY. GOLD.

More later, baby emergency (eh, they're fightin' over animal crackers, but you get me)