In which I alienate myself from my flist some more

[stoney321]

My readership list is dwindling. I guess there isn't as big a "market" out in LJ-land for parody fic as one would assume. Huh. Hee! But I'll NEVER be a a real boy if I don't get a million clickies on my post. *pretends to cry*

Oh. A bit off topic. Well, I'm having a bit off day. In case you didn't catch it, Part One is here.

Title: The Godfather - Jossed! (you try coming up for an alternative to "Godfather!"
Rating: PG-13 for kitten juggling. No NC-17 this time, kiddoes. *everyone sighs relief*
Summary: I take the characters from Buffyverse and force them into roles of popular movies. It's less painful than the crap of AFFN, I swear. It's meant to be a joke, mm'kay?


~~~
The Godfather - Jossed! Part Two

When we last saw our players, the wedding of Don Angel's beloved daughter Andrew (what? Fred has a boy's name.) was in full swing. Wesley brought his girl home to meet the family, and Lorne Fontaine put in an appearance. He has slipped away from his adoring fans to speak to his Godfather.

[CUT TO: Don Angel's office, later that day.]

Lorne Fontaine: I don't know what to do. My voice - it's nasal. I scoop when I sing. So far, the fans haven't noticed. But this director? He won't hire me. There's this movie, and the main guy is a green demon from another dimension who can sing. I mean, the part was made for me! But he won't hire me. This will put me back on top, but this guy...

Don Angel: Who's this guy?

Lorne: Holtz. Holtz. And he won't give it to me! There's no chance.. No chance.

Don Angel: Gunn. Go get Spike.

(Gunn leaves the room)

[CUT TO GUNN WANDERING IN THE HOUSE, LOOKING FOR SPIKE]
Gunn: Spike? You in there?

(Muffled sounds of sex can be heard on the other side of the door.)

Spike: Yeah. What is it? (He is holding his hand over someone's mouth.)

Gunn: Your pop. He wants to see you. Better wrap it up.

Spike: You heard the man.
(He vamps out, bites his partner's neck and shoots his load into the dying body. With a zip of his pants, he heads out to meet his father.)

[CUT TO: Don Angel's office]
Lorne: A month ago, this guy bought the movie rights. I wouldn't even have to act. I could just be myself. Oh, Don! I don't know what to do! (Breaks down into tears)

(Don Angel slaps Lorne, knocking him across the room)
Don Angel: You can act like a man! Or, demon. Whatever.

(Imitating Lorne)
Waah! I don't know what to do! Waah!

(Gunn laughs to himself)
What's the matter with you? Big green demon like you whining to me? It's ridiculous.

(Spike enters the room)

Don Angel: Tell you what. One month. They give you the part. You stay close to home and spend time with your family.

Lorne: But they start filming in a week!

Don Angel: I'm gonna take care of it..

Lorne: You're gonna threaten to kill him?

Don Angel: No. I'm gonna make Spike have sex with him. Apparently he's so good in the sack, anyone will do anything or forget anything because of it. Of course I'm gonna threaten to kill him. But that's so "in your face." I'm gonna "make him an offer he can't refuse."

(Pause)

Now go on. Get out of here. Gunn, we'll talk after you get back from Warner Brothers.

Gunn: I'm going to Warner Brothers? But they cancelled us.

Don Angel: You're going to go out there and see this Holtz. And you are going to let him know that Lorne gets the picture. Settle this business. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to throw my daughter a crumb and take a picture with her on her wedding day.

[CUT TO WEDDING]
Photographer: Everybody smile now - get closer - say Type A!

Family: Type A!

[CUT TO WARNER BROTHERS: Holtz office]
Holtz: I suggest you begin speaking immediately. My time is very valuable, Mr...?

Gunn: Gunn. Charles Gunn. I was sent by a friend of Lorne Fontaine. This friend is my client who will give his undying friendship to you if you will grant us a small - favor.

Holtz: And what is this... favor?

Gunn: Give Lorne the part in the movie you are starting to film next week.

Holtz: (laughs) And what favor would your "friend" grant me?

Gunn: You're going to start having people not show up for work. Complaints of being dead with neck wounds, most likely. My client could make that problem disappear. Also, one of your employees has just moved from binge drinking and killing to reading het. FLUFFY SPUFFY het -

Holtz: Are you trying to threaten me?

Gunn: Absolutely not. You'd know it if I was up in your grill.

Holtz: Listen you undead, no brain, filth! Lorne isn't getting that movie. I don't care how many vampire, slum-living, dead worshipping -

Gunn: I'm human who works for a wealthy man. Ain't no slum but the music, bro.

Holtz: Let me tell you something my black friend. I'm going to make trouble for you. You won't know what hit you. Quite possibly because you will be dead in an instant.

Gunn: Sir, I'm a lawyer. I have not threatened you.

Holtz: I know almost every lawyer in LA. Who the hell are you?

Gunn: I'm specialized. I have only one client. Now, you have my number, I'll wait to hear from you. By the way, I enjoyed working here very much. Before y'all turned into a bunch of number chasing bitches.

(Gunn leaves. Holtz nods to his assistant)

Holtz: Check him out.

(The assistant tilts her head sideways and gives out a wolfish whistle at the sight of that ass leaving.)

Holtz: Idiots. I work with idiots.

[CUT TO HOLTZ'S MANSION - NEXT DAY]
Holtz: Why didn't you tell me that you worked for Don Angel?

Gunn: I try to not use his name if I don't have to. Mainly because Don Angel doesn't sound even remotely Italian.

Holtz: Do you appreciate beauty, Mr.Gunn? Please. Do come see this.

(Leads Gunn to a lit pedestal in the foyer. There is a glass box with something in it.)

Holtz: This is my most prized possession. My son made me this macaroni and glitter covered clay-kitty ash-tray when he was in school. He died shortly after. He inhaled the glitter and cheap glue and it killed him. I've had it insured for $6,000,000. That framed picture in there is him. If anything ever happened to this, why, I would come undone and grant anything requested of me. Now about your friend. I won't give him the movie. That's it.

(Gunn looks down, frowning.)

You listen. Lorne is never going to get that movie, and I'll tell you why. I went to Karaoke night at his club once. And I performed "Wind Beneath My Wings." And the women wept, and the men smiled at me. I knew that I had done well. They gave me a standing ovation. And Lorne told me that the song was blase, then HE performed "It's Raining Men." I ask you. And because he was wearing a tacky suit and did a drag queen performance, everyone seemed to overlook the fact that the man cannot sing. And so? The bastard will have NOTHING from me. And if that boss of yours tries anything involving kittens, yes, I heard that story. I am no bandleader. I'm a DIRECTOR. Now, get out.

Gunn: Fine. I need to speak to my client immediately. Don Angel is a man that likes to hear bad news so he can start brooding immediately.

(Holtz forces Gunn out of his house.)

[CUT TO HOLTZ'S BEDROOM: Early morning]
(Holtz is asleep, but slowly wakening. He feels a crunching below him. He gradually opens his eyes to see small shards of sparkly macaroni and ceramic pieces strewn about the bed. As his eyes come into focus, he sees the kitty head on the pillow next to him. All of the macaroni has been picked off and glued in a grotesque imitation of a devil's beard and eyebrows on his dead son's picture.)

Holtz: (screaming endlessly as we fade to black.)

*~*
Continues here

Comments

[beadattitude.livejournal.com]

Yay! More Godfather! Yay!

Sorry, a little tapped out here, verbally. I just shoveled the walk.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I'll take that yay. Better'n a poke in the eye!

Go rest and have a snack.

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

Also, one of your employees has just moved from binge drinking and killing to reading het. FLUFFY SPUFFY het -
Jesus Christ - they'll be poking out kitty eyes with crack pipes next!

By the way, I enjoyed working here very much. Before y'all turned into a bunch of number chasing bitches.
'Cause "The Mountain" rocks! (Rocked?)

I try to not use his name if I don't have to. Mainly because Don Angel doesn't sound even remotely Italian.
Snerk. Don Angelus, maybe?

Amazing, isn't it, that there's an audience for fic where Spike deliberately, with no intent of humor, ass-births babies for Angel, Giles, Wesley, Xander, Gunn...but the audience for brilliant parody/homage/"oh shit I'm gonna piss myself" fic is small. Huh.

Macaroni and glitter...that just breaks my Bible School heart.

[beadattitude.livejournal.com]

Ooh, good idea!

Hey, while I was in Atlanta, there was a long running joke about me getting accidentally poked in the eye nearly every time the whole family got together. Luckily, I got hope with both peepers intact.

[beadattitude.livejournal.com]

Spike ass births babies for the guys? WTF?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Your heart and Holtz's.

It was green and gold glitter, too.

I think I should change Angel's name to Don Angelino. THAT has an Italian ring to it.

I don't know about brilliant. Time passing? Check. But I do like the similarities in my TGF-J! Icon. I bet you a million dollars that Carrie goes nuts for it.

[sangpassionne.livejournal.com]

*snerk*

Meany. Poor Holtz.

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

stoney321 and dovil have both either parodied or MSTK'd the vampire ass-birth^TM fics. I've never had the courage to read the original fics, but Spike's the anti-Jennifer Aniston when it comes to squeezing out babies on demand. Especially considering the male, dead, vampire, uterus-less aspects.

[beadattitude.livejournal.com]

Oh my gracious. I do think I need a bit of a laugh. I'm going in. ::goes to search::

[dusty273.livejournal.com]

I just loved this chapter, it made me laugh so hard. :D

This are my favorite lines:

Don Angel: No. I'm gonna make Spike have sex with him. Apparently he's so good in the sack, anyone will do anything or forget anything because of it. Of course I'm gonna threaten to kill him. But that's so "in your face." I'm gonna "make him an offer he can't refuse."

*dies laughing*

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I just loved this chapter, it made me laugh so hard. :D

This are my favorite lines:

<i><b>Don Angel:</b> No. I'm gonna make Spike have sex with him. Apparently he's so good in the sack, anyone will do anything or forget anything because of it. Of course I'm gonna threaten to kill him. But that's so "in your face." I'm gonna "make him an offer he can't refuse."</i>

*dies laughing*

<iAlso, one of your employees has just moved from binge drinking and killing to reading het. FLUFFY SPUFFY het -</i>

hey! how did you manage to make <i>that</i> sound so dirty? *giggles histerically*

<i><b>Holtz:</b> Check him out.

(The assistant tilts her head sideways and gives out a wolfish whistle at the sight of that ass leaving.)

<b>Holtz:</b> Idiots. I work with idiots.</i>

*giggles some more* ;)

And the last part? Is it bad of me that I could picture Holtz expression and laugh at him while I read? Bad Mari. ;)

Can't wait for more of this, Laura!

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

I didn't even notice the icon...I was too busy sniggering at Spike's sexifying being a weapon. It's cool....I've only had M&M's to eat today. Not good vague hangover food. Drive up with a pizza. We'll do bad Italian accents (Prego! Prego! Kiss! Kiss!) and giggle.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Holtz was a bad man. he bought the cheap glue on purpose to save a buck. And his kid DIED. In make-believe land.

Ha! (What? You wanted bloody horse heads?)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Mari! You give such great feedback!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

no eggs and sausage? coffee? That's what you need.

I need bed. I am exhausted and want to curl up to silence. Ain't gonna happen, though.

[lonelybrit]

Also, one of your employees has just moved from binge drinking and killing to reading het. FLUFFY SPUFFY het -

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! Oh, just read the two parts of this (off a rec of karabair) and loved them! I can so see Angel all broody in that chair, and Gunn all snappy in his suit. And Wes... **purr** Ah, so looking forward to the next part of this! *applauds*

p.s. your Godfather-jossed! icon is seriously cool =)

[inlovewithnight.livejournal.com]

(Gunn leaves. Holtz nods to his assistant)

Holtz: Check him out.

(The assistant tilts her head sideways and gives out a wolfish whistle at the sight of that ass leaving.)
Seriously, can I have your babies?

[mirasol.livejournal.com]

I'm not paranoid or anything, but I'd just finished reading this yesterday and was gonna comment when lj died. Wasn't my fault. Honest.

You know something? Well, quite a lot obviously - but what I was gonna say was that as soon as I read the words Lorne Fontaine in the first part one particular line hit me square on. You can act like a man.

Yeah, coz Lorne is so butch. And I don't think it's the snazzy suits that do it either.

Your readership might be dwindling, which I doubt - maybe they're just busy at the moment. Or more likely still incapacitated by fits of laughter from TSOS and all.

Loved this - laughing all the way through. And you are such a bad influence on me. Was back at Brownies yesterday - and I was asked to lead the singing. I was okay until we got to Edelweiss, and I just couldn't explain why I got the giggles. Bad Stoney! Even worse that we're doing craft next week with glitter and glue.

Excuse me rambling on. And grammatical and spelling mistakes. I have had an enjoyable LJ-less evening - started out with Chardonnay, moving onto Flatliners, and finishing off with my first glass of absinthe.
Not my last - even though it's a bugger to prepare. No green fairy. Just blue smurfs.

Going now. *hugs and all that stuff*

[anelith.livejournal.com]

I thought when you started this that I wouldn't be able to enjoy it as much as the one from Sound of Music, cause I don't remember the Godfather nearly as well. But this is bringing it all back! It's been on TV enough that I've seen snippets many times over the years... Everyone's quoting all the great bits already so I won't repeat them verbatim again, but I loved Spike as sex weapon, Holtz working with idiots, and the macaroni/glitter bit.

[likeadeuce.livejournal.com]

OMG, you read my mind! this is the first thing I went for when I got my LJ back. (hugs LJ!) and the first thing I was

any chance of a Sonny-Spike icon? have I fangirled James Caan enough considering that Sonny has barely been in this story yet (though excellent use of him so far. . . can't wait for the tollbooth!)

"Warner Brothers? But they cancelled us!" bwahhahaha!

and I love your equivalent to the horse's head. more! more! and you are making me want to rewatch the Godfather; it has been too long! also, loving the use of Holtz!

[mskakaako.livejournal.com]

Holtz was just asking for the rude awakening. Heheh. Big dumb-dumb.

Yes, yes! Lorne is very nasal-y when he sings. He's like a big, green nostril.

Am I a bad person, if I occasionally read the fluffy, spuffy het? I fully embrace the 'uncoolness' that is me. :p

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Really?? James Caan? I like older James Caan, but he had those freakish shoulders in a wife-beater in this movie... But? Strong guys, sexy when he's nailing Lucy at the wedding agaist the door...

Trust me when I say Spike will have a bigger part. This is going to be a big one.

You SHOULD re-watch The Godfather. IMO, it is one of the 5 best movies of all time. Brilliant.

(And thanks.)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Thanks for coming over! This is kind of a thing I do. Um, you may not want to read my other parodies... They can end up grotesque, but always funny!

Thank you so much!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

yes. I'll ship them up tonight. Watch out for the older one: he can get "energetic and loud." The key is to not feed him. Weakens him.

OH. You mean NEW babies. ;-)

HA!!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I LOVE IT!! That is hilarious that you had the naughty songs in your head! I laughed all the way through Christmas because of the Sunnydale Karruhls. GLitter and Glue! Make a kitty-cat ashtray where the kitty is on his back with his paw curling in to nab the cigarette.

Um, let me know how you make Absinthe, mm'kay?

*Hugs you HARD*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I have to say that The Godfather is in my top 5 movies of all time. Simply because it's a brilliant piece of cinema. It's like not having seen Casablanca or SIlence of the Lambs, which I can talk about the layers and symbolism in for hours....

Thanks for reading this! (Um, here's a link to the transcript if you'd rather read it than watch the gunplay...

http://www.jgeoff.com/godfather/gf1/transcript/gf1transcript.html

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I have to leave the room when Lorne sings. GUH. SOrry, came from a musical famly (classical singers) and it drives me NUTS.

You been away so you haven't seen all the kerfuffles and anonymous posts about stoopid het readers, no, SLASH readers r stoopid! posts. It was a joke on that, not my lovely lovely Kako. (I like reading schmoop too, as eveidenced by my Anne/Gilbert love.)

[mirasol.livejournal.com]

I know it's majorly sad and geeky of me, but I just don't give two figs. Yes, it was calm yesterday, but I did miss the little insights into my friends' lives on LJ, seeing who's happy and who needs hugs - and I know that's kind of strange as I'll never meet most of you. Perhaps that's why I'm probably more open on-line than in RL.

In the words of Kim Jong Il, I'm so ronery, so ronery, so ronery and sadry arone. There's no one, just me onry, sitting on my rittle throne. Hell, that was a BAAAAD film, but I loved it.

The absinthe -

As I'm still here this morni... ooops... afternoon, I must have made it right. Not that difficult when you know what you're doing. Just my motor and spatial skills were shot at that point. Which is when you want to start drinking 70%proof alcohol, of course.

Put a sugar cube on a slotted "absinthe spoon" (or a tea strainer if you don't actually have the correct spoon) then drizzle iced water over the sugar into the glass of absinthe - in a 3:1 or 4:1 ratio.

The sugar takes the bitter edge from the absinthe, when the water is drizzled into the absinthe it all turns a milky greeny-white (louche).

Drink. Wonder what all the fuss is about, because it certainly doesn't taste that strong.

Giggle inanely for the next few hours.

Wake up and believe that you actually have gone blind. Damn, those stories were right.

Realise that your feet are on the pillows and it's pitch black coz your head is under mounds of duvet.

Throw off duvet energetically. Throw up due to combination of TOO-BRIGHT sunlight and motion.

I never get hungover. Never. Ever. I must say that I don't think it was just the absinthe. More likely a cummulative effect. I'll try again another day. Just not now.

Thanks, folks. She'll be here all week....

[somecandytalkin.livejournal.com]

[He] shoots his load into the dying body. With a zip of his pants, he heads out to meet his father.

Hee!

Ba-dum-bum.

And:

I like older James Caan, but he had those freakish shoulders in a wife-beater in this movie.

Ha. So true.

Wife beaters are not sexy. Unless Angel is wearing it.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

He looked so top heavy in those scenes...

I like my James Caan chunky and strapped to a bed about to get his foot broken off.

What?

[cityphonelines.livejournal.com]

Ok, so I missed this yesterday. Why do you not post in bold, glitter sparkling letters and flashing arrows?!?

Ain't no slum but the music, bro.
You have no idea how full to bursting my heart is with love for you. That said... I'm off to part 3.

[lynnenne]

You cut off the kitty's head! And the macaroni! This is almost as scary as the movie. (Although I half-expected him to find Lorne's head in the bed with him, talking at him the way he did in Pylea. That would scare anyone into giving up.)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hee hee! You know, I wonder if you and I are the only ones that can really GET Gunn? Um... that sounds pretentious. But aside from Sisabet, I don't know anyone on my flist that digs the urban scene.

/is retarded

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Where have you been, missy??! I've missed ya around these parts, is all.

I was afraid the Lorne-head would be obvious... And I needed something ridiculous and silly. Because I am ridiculous and silly.

[lynnenne]

I've been in the next province over, visiting chrisleeoctaves. We had a blast. My first meeting with a real, live LJer! More to come...

[crayonbreakygal.livejournal.com]

All Karabair's fault. She's been pimping you, so I decided to read.

This is just the most hilarious thing that I have ever read. I'm especially loving Gunn in this chapter. And Angel? "The Shroud of Rahmon" episode he kind of sounded like the Don. Now I'm never gonna be able to look at these characters the same.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_beetle_/]

(Don Angel slaps Lorne, knocking him across the room)

He seems to like slapping people so hard they go flying across the room =D

Gunn: I'm specialized. I have only one client. Now, you have my number, I'll wait to hear from you. By the way, I enjoyed working here very much. Before y'all turned into a bunch of number chasing bitches.

YEAH!!!

(The assistant tilts her head sideways and gives out a wolfish whistle at the sight of that ass leaving.)

Holtz: Idiots. I work with idiots.

Please tell me that assistant is Justine?

You listen. Lorne is never going to get that movie, and I'll tell you why. I went to Karaoke night at his club once. And I performed "Wind Beneath My Wings." And the women wept, and the men smiled at me. I knew that I had done well. They gave me a standing ovation. And Lorne told me that the song was blase, then HE performed "It's Raining Men." I ask you. And because he was wearing a tacky suit and did a drag queen performance, everyone seemed to overlook the fact that the man cannot sing. And so? The bastard will have NOTHING from me. And if that boss of yours tries anything involving kittens, yes, I heard that story. I am no bandleader. I'm a DIRECTOR. Now, get out.

ROTFLMAO!

[CUT TO HOLTZ'S BEDROOM: Early morning]
(Holtz is asleep, but slowly wakening. He feels a crunching below him. He gradually opens his eyes to see small shards of sparkly macaroni and ceramic pieces strewn about the bed. As his eyes come into focus, he sees the kitty head on the pillow next to him. All of the macaroni has been picked off and glued in a grotesque imitation of a devil's beard and eyebrows on his dead son's picture.)

Holtz: (screaming endlessly as we fade to black.)

You're helladamnfunny, my friend. You are gold *smacks right on the lips*

My readership list is dwindling. I guess there isn't as big a "market" out in LJ-land for parody fic as one would assume. Huh.

More fool, them. You rock.

*hugs, grope, shags, makes breakfast*