not a fandom rant, but jesus H. christ

[stoney321]

Let me preface this vomitous explosion of rage with the following bits of info about myself: I have three kids, very close in age. The oldest is ADHD, and there were times that I thought about shipping him off to a "push-ups in the mud" school until he was 18. I am the second oldest of 5, my dad is number 13 out of 15 kids, and to say that I have an idea of kids and their behavior, is well: underkill. I'm surrounded.

I also get how hard it can be some days. Man, do I know. Days where you hide in your closet and either eat a 5 lb block of chocolate, polish off a bottle of whiskey, or rock and cry yourself calm. That being said, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH SOME PARENTS?? Daughter went to a friend's house to play after school. Friend whines and yells and HITS her mom. The child is 7. Mom whines and asks daughter to forgive her for not making the perfect snack.

At the ortho today and see some boys call their mom a dirty name, and she laughs, then says in a whiney voice for them to stop it.

Watching a show (couldn't take more than a few minutes) called Supernanny where the mom has NO idea where her three year old is, then finds him in the street with SCISSORS. The hell??

Folks, YOU are the boss of your kids. If you don't make your kids treat you with respect, how on earth are they going to learn to show repsect to anyone else? I'm not a beater, but my kids know when I mean business. My kids say "ma'am" and "sir," they don't need to be prompted for "thank you" or "please," not even the three year old. Wanna know how? I TAUGHT them.

When my kids try to interrupt grownups, I ignore them. If they keep it up (I'm not talking about blood or bone showing - those are the house rules for interrupting) then they get sent to their room. They don't get sent to their room to play video games and such. I have taken EVERYTHING from my son (except a bed and two books of his choice) for destroying property last year. Everytime he did something nice, he got to earn something back. You know what? It was a pain in the ass. But he learned.

I love my older sister, but she is raising some whiney goddamn kids because she wants to be their friend. I see that everyday with the parents in my neighborhood. Your kids aren't your pals. They don't need to like you, but they sure as hell need to respect you. If you can't handle being a teacher to your own children, don't have them. That may sound harsh, but hell. I heard the best thing ever from a woman I modeled my parenting after. Her son (my cousin) was acting the fool at a football game and spoke back to an adult. My aunt hit the back of his head and told him to watch his mouth. A stranger told her to not hit him. My aunt replied, "lady, I can hit him now, or he can rob you in four years."

Now, I'm going to kiss my kids and be grateful they are turning out into decent little shits, er, humans.


To change the tone (because I got my venom out) I leave you with an icon I made for my three year old to enjoy based on the PotterPotter/Weasley Weasley ear worm. Oh. And go read dovil's funny new fic, that is REALLY GOOD, to boot. Not enough people bringing the funny out there...

Comments

[inlovewithnight.livejournal.com]

I'm only 20 (and, thank the good Lord, without children for possibly ev-er), but I thank my parents mentally every single day for not letting us get away with crap. I remember we were waiting in line at McDonald's...long line, hungry antsy children...and she told us that if we did (whatever) ONE MORE TIME, we were leaving. Well, we did it one more time. And we left, even though we were at the counter by that point. [I believe that once we got to the car, my brother asked "Can we go through the drive-through?" Needless to say, the answer was NO.]
So speaking as someone in quasi-their age group...your kids love you for this. Really.
I'm oversharing, I'll leave now...;)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Pfft. No such thing as over sharing over here. Your mom is like the other women in my family. THey taught me how to deal with temper tantrums (say, a 3 year old). "When you scream, I think you are on fire. I love you and don't want you to burn, so I'm going to put the fire out." Biiiig pitcher of water. Dump it on them. By the third tantrum, you only have to turn on the tap. My other cousin thought he'd pull a fast one and do it in public. His mom borrowed a coke and dumped it on him.

You have to be brave, and willing to look like an ass. And man, there is NOTHING wrong with not having kids. More people should choose that (and I'm referring to some of the parents on my block.)

I swear to god I am not a mean mom, even though it may sound like it. (You can't be mean when doing flips on a trampoline, 'sall I'm saying.) Hee!

[inlovewithnight.livejournal.com]

No, no, not mean. You sound like my mom, who I certainly don't consider mean. :)

Her big thing was always, "Don't ever make a promise/threat that you won't back up." So don't say something like, "I'm going to tear your leg off and beat you with it," because the kid KNOWS you won't. On the other hand, if you say "Do it one more time and we're GONE," you have to leave, or they know they win. We always knew that if Mom said knock it off, she MEANT it, and there were consequences if we didn't. It doesn't seem like that difficult a way of raising kids, but apparently it is, since so few people seem to do it...::seethes at the memory of children in Target yesterday::

She didn't believe in holding a "Dad card" in reserve, either. If we were going to get punished, she'd do it herself if she was the one there. Of course, if Dad WAS the one who happened to be present for badness, good Lord, duck and cover. The redheadedness and matching temper comes from THAT side of the family, LOL.

[mskakaako.livejournal.com]

Folks, YOU are the boss of your kids.
SING IT, SISTER!!!!

I was nodding vigourously throughout your post.
In my profession, I see many of those parents you have just described.
It's called boundaries, people. The hell...is right.

Hey! I'm also one of five kids. Not Mormons though.

I just tried YIMing you. No worries though. You must be approaching sleepy time. :)

[http://users.livejournal.com/_jealousy_/]

*standing ovation*

Oh how I wish more people thought like you. It absolutely disgusts me how much society coddles children these days, and then turns around and whines about how terrible their behavior is. Well how the hell do you think they got to be that way? When I was a kid I got grounded (in the no phone, no TV, no radio sense of the word), made to stand in the corner, and hit (hit, mind you, not beaten), and sure I hated it then, but now I know I deserved it and I'm grateful that my mother taught me what behavior was and was not appropriate.

A few years ago I was babysitting for a friend of mine. Her two year old daughter was an absolute nightmare. She screamed, whined, refused to do anything she was told, beat on her OLDER brother till he was bruised, and refused to talk - she would just point at what she wanted and whine till you gave it to her. I put up with it for about 2 hours, then I gave her a crack on the behind. I didn't hit her hard and with her diaper on I doubt she really even felt it, but she was so shocked by just the idea that someone would spank her that that was the end of my problems with her. After that I never so much as even had to raise my voice to her, she was obedient, well-behaved, and asked, in words, for what she wanted. I babysat for her for 4 months and never had a single other problem with her after that night. Of course, every night, the second her mother walked in the door she started up with being a brat again because she knew her mother would never do more than yell at her. I even explained to my friend what I'd done, that it just took one spanking, just enough to let the child know that there were consequences for her actions, but still my friend refused to change her disciplining tactics because she was afraid of what other people would think of her.

My opinion? If you can't handle raising a child, don't have one.

[julia-here.livejournal.com]

I'm way ADHD myself (officially diagnosed at 39, but my gradeschool report cards are sufficient for diagnosis back to first grade), so am a non hitting mom- but I also once told the boychild I could make him invisible when he was being intolerable in the grocery store, and then acted like he was. Might have scared the heck out of him, but he's 18 and doesn't hate me and seems to be pretty functional. That is, he is in college, schedules and carries out his farm work without supervision, is a safe driver, et'c and so on.

The girlchild is 16 and is also massively ADHD, but is Miss Perfect in school (well, except for that pesky B in AP Physics) and on the list of "trustworthy students" that her teachers leave for subs. And socially integrated, kind to strangers, probably a lot nicer than me.

Neither one of them has every been given the delusion that they could argue with their parents, or get what they want by being loud and obnoxious...

And then there's my nephew, who is actually pretty much like that at my house but who has been allowed to argue with his parents since birth. NOT a pretty sight.

Julia, mean, mean, nonhitting nonpunitive mom

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

See? And look at how well you turned out.

*BG*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Naw, I just turned off messenger. Mr. Stoney has gone to bed out in Atlanta, so I didn't think anyone would want to talk...

And seriously. I bet you encounter a hell of a lot more in your job... Sometimes I get in trouble because I have no problem telling other kids to knock it off, and the parents get mad at ME. I wanna yell at them that it was THEIR child that knocked down the display in Target... Bleh.

The Anya icon? HA!! (And what about Gob and the lighter fluid? The wolf? HA!!! I love AD.)

[poshcat.livejournal.com]

OMG we are so kindred spirits. Firm boundaries and buckets of love - that's my parenting motto. And my kids are so good! We'll see what happens when puberty hits, but for the most part I'm unafraid. They'll know exactly what to expect from us, including a soft place to fall when the world is rough. But I won't bail them out of jail, either. Hee.

Sometimes I worry, and watch Dr. Phil's parenting shows to see what other people do wrong so I can avoid it. Every damn family on there has a mother who is a push-over. Threatens and screams, and then backs down. I rarely yell at all, because by the time it comes to that, they've lost all their privileges except maybe peeing if they ask nice. I'm far from perfect, but I am good at following through. :0D

PS 13 of 15!?!?!?!?! Dear Lord.

[dusty273.livejournal.com]

I agree so much with you, Laura. One of the things I hate more than anything is precisely parents that let themselves be manipulated by their kids or that let them do whatever they want without correcting them. Kids need to know that no means NO, and that there are certain rules to be followed at home or wherever we are. My girls are spoiled kids, but they know that when I start counting from 1 to 3 they better do what I've asked within that time or else they'll be punished, generally by not sleeping in my room over the weekend, since that's their prize for good behavior and doing their homework. If I threaten them with some kind of punishment, not going to the movies or not buying them something they have been asking for, I don't back up from it, I carry it through, because I don't want to transmit them the message that if they do something that isn't right they'll be rewarded anyway.

*hugs*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

EXACTLY. (um, your last line, that is.) Now. I have no problem with a well deserved spank. None what so ever. It when you react out of anger and start knocking them around that it's a beating.

I like to hit them when I'm cooled off. I come of scarier that way. ;-D

And good for you, BTW, about your friend's kid. More kids need boundaries and good old fashioned discipline. Crikey.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

And a good mom you are. I prefaced the "my son has ADHD" in case someone wanted to use that as an excuse for bad behavior, which I see a lot. My son knows not to pull that crap with me. The medicine helps the fog clear and the bees in his skin to quit humming. His charts and checklists help him learn organization, but HE is in charge of his behavior. (Ultimately I am, but you catch my meaning.)

I've had people accuse me of being too strict, but my kids are pulling in the high grades and other parents refer to them as "a delight to have over," so strict it is!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I know, right? My dad was from a Mormon family in Utah, all farmers. It's cheaper to make the labor than to hire it out. Ha!

My grandma (mother of 15) NEVER raised her voice. NEVER. They all testified to that at her funeral. Mainly because they all knew if Grandpa heard about it, he'd take a belt to them. Her philosophy was to keep them busy around the house and love them til you felt like you were going to run out.

You are right on with those shows. The moms are wimps, the dad are yell hounds, and the kids are little shits. When those type of kids come to my house to play, they see we have rules (and that I mean it) and they LOVE to come over. Kids want rules. It helps them not feel out of control. I have enough friends, you know? My kids are my job, my friends are my fun. And my porn? Ha!!

And I'm kinda getting baby hungry with that cute Poshette up there...

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Yay for good mommies!! I'm big on the reward system. (We have a reward and consequence chart in the house so they ALWAYS know what's expected of them.)

It's hard to be hard on them, but the reward is when other people comment on their manners, their spirit, their personalities.

And poshcat said it best: rules and buckets of love. you can't love kids enough.

[cityphonelines.livejournal.com]

I cannot BELIEVE the way parents allow their kids to behave these days. I know my baby cousin is going to be a shit and it's ALL THEIR FAULT. No freakin' communication between the 'rents. Long, long ago when I was a teenager I worked at the Mall (like OMG Mallrat!) and would loudly voice how horrid some children were and how easily the 'not really being watched closely' ones could be kidnapped. It's sad.

The kids/parents on Supernanny and Nanny 911 hert mah brane. Sometimes I think they ain't worth fixin', just fill 'em up with Benedryl and call it a night.

[mskakaako.livejournal.com]

No prob with messenger! Just wanted to tell you that I finally made it to the post office. That's all!

I bet you encounter a hell of a lot more in your job Darn tootin'. Do you know how hard it is to undo the damage? Kids don't feel secure if there aren't any clear cut boundaries. It makes sense to me, but I'm not a parent...yet! :P

Spiiicy Cluuuuuuub Sauce!!! Don't forget the chicken dance! You would have been *so* there for George Michael's CD "Burning" party. Heee! I love AD and Anya!

[julia-here.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what the meds do, and that's a good description- although there are always Really Bad Brain Days when NOTHING does a damned bit of good, and all I can do is hope I haven't lost or broken anything important when it's over.

I really think kids vastly prefer approval and acceptance from everyone around them, and it's the parent's job to see that they know how to behave to get that kind of approval and acceptance. It takes a high level of self awareness and discipline to BE that kind of a parent; I think the big problem is that too many parents are just not willing to put the thought and work into it.

And then there's my sister- she's always though arguing is really fine fun, and now she's got this stubborn argumentative first grader (and she's fifty) who is like a little mirror of her on her worst days, and I am so not sorry for her- more for him.

Julia, an admirable human, otherwise, but unwise in her parenting choices, oh, yeah

[paynbow.livejournal.com]

I'm right there with you. My parents smacked me when I was a shit. It's not like they smacked me hard, but I sure as hell learned my lesson. And I only got a smack on the ass when I earned it.

I still fear my father's rage, not because I fear corporal punishment, but because it's damn scary when he goes all red like that. I learned to respect my parents and they respected me back. If I was a shit I was punished. Sent to my room, toys taken away, smacked on the ass. When I was good I was rewarded.

I've worked as a counsellor at camps and as a coach for about 7 years now. I hate it when parents treat their kids like a) a friend or b) a little prince/princess. That is not what they are. They are kids and kids have no boundaries unless they are set. And who gets to deal with it? Everyone around them.

I swear to god, I was incharge of the antichrist 2 summers ago. 5 years old and he punched, kicked, bit, and spewed forth some god-awful insults (where did he hear them? Not TV, that's for damn sure. Watch your language mummy and daddy :p). So I kept in mind that the Canadian Charter says "minimum necessary force" and grabbed his arms to stop the blows. And then his mum asks me, an (at that point) 19 year old camp counsellor, how to raise her child. Holy. Fuck.

So ahmen sister *g*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Did you see that bit up there about hiding and drinking in the closet? One of my less than stellar parenting days. And the eyes that cross when I reeeeally get mad? Yep. Me, too.

But you nailed it. It's work. I heard someone say motherhood is 80% shit and 20% glory, and you get the glory all at once. So you kind of drown in shit most of the time. I'm very eloquent tonight. But when you get one of those 20% moments... You forget the other stuff.

Until they do it again. (I find I self medicate with Sumatra and two sugars. Thinking of hitting the ritalin, as I am ADD, without the hyper. And if you ever meet me, you'll know that last bit is a bald-faced lie.)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I'm getting dizzy. No, really. Broken ankle from the chicken dance! Ha ha ha.

And lady, you'll be a good mommio. You just hug and kiss them, and be sure to teach them the word "no" starting at 6 months. And I'm not joking on that last bit...

I can't WAIT to get my music from you !!!

"Speaking of settling, how's Anne?"

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I have tears on my cheeks from your last paragraph. Screw the Benadryl. A few sloshes of Jack in the bottle and it's beddy-bye...

Oh god. The kids running alone in the mall. Hel-looo!! Aside from being kidnapped, there are pervets and pedophiles, folks. Not trying to be an alarmist, but there ARE.

I'll go slap my kids once to let 'em know I love them. Be back in a sec...

:-)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

It's almost a cliche, but...

You have to get a license to catch fish, but any asshole with a cheap bottle of booze and a good line can be a parent.

(I live in an affluent neighborhood where the parents try and compete with each other as to who can give their kids more. Kid down the block turned 16 and got a HUMMER. Mr. Stoney wanted to key the car. I informed him last night that we are NOT buying our children new cars, they WILL help pay for school, and they are working in the SALT MINES. Ha ha ha! Okay, everything but that last part. how the hell is a kid supposed to appreciate how much work goes into getting stuff if they don't have to put any work into getting stuff????)

Off to praise you on your LJ!

[crayonbreakygal.livejournal.com]

If my child hit me like that, he would never do it again. Believe me. Never again. I once took all the priviledges away from my eleven year old because he got a C+ in Science when the teacher said that he wasn't getting the work in on time. Boom, a week without anything to do but play games with his brother, back to getting A's. My kids know not to backtalk me and when they forget (which hey they do because they see their friends do it and get away with it), they'll get punished, as in really punished. Let's just say it doesn't happen often.

I am not my kids' friend, I am their mother. You were right on with that. Yeah, they're not perfect, but when they're out and about, they behave. If they don't, well, they stay home. End of story.

Their friends know I mean business too, even though these kids may act up in front of their parents. I don't take anything off of any of the kids and they know it. Or they'll know it pretty quickly. I'm probably known as a hard-ass mom by some of the kids at school, but oh well. Life is rough. Just deal, I tell my kids. So glad to see someone else who deals with their kids similiarly. Have I spanked? Yeah. Did they need it? Yeah. They're not perfect, and we're not perfect, but the kids aren't supposed to know we're not perfect.

OK, no more ramblings. You want them to be independent little beings who you can kick out of the house when they turn 21.

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

Fucking word.

I'm always baffled when people say to me "Your son is so polite!" and they sound *amazed* by it. Ok, now if you know me, you know I have no tact whatsoever, but I'm talking about random strangers. I'm always like "Hell yea, he's polite. He's SUPPOSED to be polite. WTF?!"

He goes to private school, and I have also noticed a huge honking difference in kids he hangs out with vs. public school kids. So much less cynical and worldly. And I'm sure it's because the school he goes to requires parental involvement at a high level, so any kids there already have parents who work hard, you know, actually PARENTING.

And as a mental health therapist who worked with teens? The worst thing you can ever do to your children when they are children is try to be their friend. They have friends, you're not one of them, and sometimes they won't like you for it. Deal or don't fucking breed.

Dude, yes. Sing it.

[paynbow.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah! I went to a private school and all the kids had shiny, new, 50 thousand dollar cars...except me. I had a fluke POS that used to be my granny's. I paid for everything but the repairs (which I couldn't afford) and I learned how to drive a car that stalls at traffic lights and occasionally opts not to start (it was an automatic, btw). I can't tell you how much I appreciate my car now...it doesn't break down! *g*

I've also been working since 17. There's this chick in my theatre class who's never had to work a day in her life (she's like 22). She always feels sorry for you when you have to miss something for work. Don't feel sorry for me! At least I'm functional!

Your kids are going to rule! People are going to want them around while other people whow had less cool mums will grow to be shitheads *g*