Letter to someone unlikely to respond

[stoney321]

Dear common brown grasshopper that I am calling Bill...



Bill. Do you mind if I call you that? I know you aren't able to answer, so we'll say yes, it's fine.

Bill.

How's death? Wait, let me back up in the narrative. I've seen you and your type hanging around my garden for a few days, now. (Is that species-ist of me? The "your type?") And I thought, you know? I have quite the bounty in my garden, I do. I like it that way. Little extra for the rabbits to nibble on and life's a bowl of cherries. I even have a plant that I despise because tomato hornworms LOVE it and they turn into Sphinx moths, and they're gorgeous. So, hey. Share and share alike, right?

And then comes along you bunch of assholes. In the span of two and one-half days you have almost completely defoliated my antique climbing rose. You bastards. Fortunately it's a spring and fall bloomer, so it has some time to heal. And as I was crouched down under the 20 foot long canes, cutting it back harshly, there you were, smirking at me with your beady little eyes.

And what did I do? I backed up. Slowly. Giving you space to move away, but no, you startled scuttling along a cane towards my face and I saw it before it came, I just knew you were going to jump onto my face and eat my sweet, sweet eye juices. ASSHOLE. And what did YOU get for your troubles?

I NINJA'D YOUR ASS WITH MY SHEARS LIKE KWAI CHANG CAINE THAT IS WHAT I DID! I full on grasshopper'd your ass and now you are dead, cut in two, an object lesson for your brethren. I stepped aside to let an ant lumber its way towards you, hoping it would do some circle of life shit to your corpse.

I hate everything you choose to be, you gluttonous capitalist pig.

Love and kisses,
Laura

PS - I now will roam the earth in search of justice from your kind. *pan flute, looks off in the distance*

I am seriously proud of myself here, not gonna pretend otherwise. THAT WAS SOME BRUCE LEE BID-NESS I DID. I need a macro of the kid in karate clothes that says, "Snatch a pebble, they said. I snatched their lives."

Comments

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

I believe my icon sums up my feelings nicely. I'll high five you later though, after I'm done barfing. Man, I can't even step on a spider. Go team you- bleeearghhh.

[elizardbits.livejournal.com]

I am trying to think of what fell creatures you should infest your garden with in order to combat this vile menace but so far everything is just all around badness.

Altho giant mantises would be fucking rad.

[fishwithfeet.livejournal.com]

In high school I did a catch and release experiment with grasshoppers in this field. We caught them, marked them with paint, released, then waited and caught again to see how many were marked the second time around.

Grasshoppers VOMIT on you when they're mad. True story.

[turnonmyheels.livejournal.com]

<33333

[ruthless1.livejournal.com]

I especially liked you calling him a gluttonous capitalist pig. He deserved it.

[lynnenne]

COOL MOVE!

[ladycyndra.livejournal.com]

LOL

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

I love you. <3

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

I actually thinks this needs to be published. I'm not being sarcastic (I know it sounds like my regular voice). Seriously -- send that into some kind of periodical. No, really. It was hilarious.

*sings "Mama Loved the Roses" ala Elvis in honor of fallen blooms*

[chantal87.livejournal.com]

I love you so hard!!

[dovil.livejournal.com]

Stick its head on a spike so all other crickets may learn.

[zyrya]

AHHHHHHHHHHHH horrible horrible scary horrible MONSTERS.

You are the ninja queen!

I'll send you my crack chicken squad. There is not a single cricket, grasshopper, slug, snail or caterpillar in my garden since I let them roam around, and their favourite food is weeds. Although they would also eat those moths you like so much, and demolish your lettuces.

[glitterwocky.livejournal.com]

You are one of my favorite peoples...and I don't even knows you all that well. Must remedy that someday. More power to you, my ninja queen.

[geminai5.livejournal.com]

BEST. LETTER(to-a-monster-that-should-never-ever-respond-please-thanks). EVER.

[ladyvyola.livejournal.com]

We have a saying around here (okay, it's only me, but that's all that matters):

All God's creatures got a right to live. But not in my house.

I think it needs the addendum: And not if they're eating my garden.

(Also, the grasshoppers look at this icon, think of you, and cry.)

[bitchygrrl.livejournal.com]

My default is perfect for this,that is some catch a fly with chopsticks shit,right there. Rock on!

[anelith.livejournal.com]

I am so scared of grasshoppers that one time years ago, I was riding a bike and one jumped at me. I screamed and lost control of the bike and crashed and knocked out my front tooth. Had to find an emergency dentist and get it reimplanted. So, you are my HERO. <3 <3 <3

[oatmellow.livejournal.com]

Everything.

That's what I love about this letter.

[midnightsjane.livejournal.com]

Grasshopper, you have met your match, and her name is STONEY. Prepare to die.
LOL!
I haven't had any grasshopper problems, but I do enjoy squishing all those nasty little aphid buggers infesting my roses. I get 'em between my thumb and my fingers, and squeeze the life right out of 'em. And I am not going to apologize for it!

[pushplaytobegin.livejournal.com]

Thank god I had finished my milk when I read this. I snorted. Absolutely hilarious. I would not have had the stones for that maneuver. I would have run screaming. I dislike bugs. We used to have chipmunks that loved to eat grasshoppers. You go, girl.