I don't even know who I AM anymore

[stoney321]

I spent the day writing almost 4000 words of kid-fic. KLAINE KID-FIC. Guys? I frakking HATE kid fic.* Oh, what a perfect little child, and isn't it precious how they cry? The parents always lovingly gaze at one another like, "So little [Purply Prose Name like Ameiliaigh or Randolphe or Doritos Cool Ranch Pay For Our Child's College Jr.] has made an oopsie in their Natural Cloth Organic Diaper, sweetums! Won't you help me as I change it? We can beam down at them, laughing and smiling as we remember how much we love each other whilst tenderly wiping their precious cargo/as you romantically propose to me."

And I of course know that in the real world that means it has sprayed up out of the back of their clothes and onto the white sofa (because in kid-fic they always have adult furniture and HAHAHAHA YOU CANNOT HAVE BEIGE COUCHES ANYMORE, WHAT ON EARTH?!). Sorry if that grosses you out, but that is what happens with actualfax children. And they never shut the hell up. I mean, their loving voices are constantly raised in song and wonder to the heavens.

Um. So. This is a fail-fic. And it makes me laugh really hard. And it's based on Real Life Events involving #2 and her RealLife Doll that she was responsible for in her Human Development class. Best. Birth-control. Ever.

Snerk. I'll post tomorrow. I JUST. What's next, song-fic? FURRIES?!!* KILL ME IF I DO.

*Attn people that want to be offended. You can like whatever you like. Heck, write a billion word fic on that topic if the mood strikes! *I* just don't like it.

Comments

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

Whereas *I* have spent the afternoon downloading printables on organization and cleaning from the lovely Mormon ladies on Pinterest.

Clearly, we have both BECOME OTHER PEOPLE BECAUSE EVIL MAGIKS ARE AFOOT. CALL A PRIEST. OR A RABBI. OR THE BATMAN.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

LOL at a child pouting and toeing the ground. "But Papa, the best of programming was on the television set! Well, I understand. I am four, after all, and quite grown up. I do love you so, Papa."

Meanwhile, their five year old cousin is poking his tongue out and talking with a lisp. A Precious Lisp.

I LOVE THEM HAVING KIDS, TOO. It is quite the conundrum! :D I don't think I've ever even read kid-fic in Glee fandom, honestly. Huh.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHA, they are very good at organizational charting, are they not!?

KITA, THAT IS HOW THEY GET YOU. DO NOT SAVE THE KOOLAID RECIPES, I REPEAT: DO NOT SAVE THE KOOLAID RECIPES.

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

BUT IT MAKES MY OCD SO HAPPY!!!11 THE PRINTABLES ARE COLOR CODED!! AND HAVE LITTLE CHECK BOXES!!11 I wanna move to Utah FIGHT THE POWER WITH ME, LAURA. HELP.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

I love that you have written this fic. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. IT MAKES ME LAUGH AND GO AWWWWW ALL AT ONCE.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

JUST BE WARY. Use their tools, but be wise to their tricks!

THE POWER OF CLEANLINESS COMPELS YOU! *sprinkles you with Mr. Clean*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*holds tongue at other projects of someone I love dearly*

I AM SO GLAD I MADE YOU LAUGH.

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

If I start speaking in tongues, drag me out of Pinterest by the hair.

Wait. Tongues aren't Mormon? Man, all y'all Christians look the same to me!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

YES. TONGUES ARE MORMON. They're all up in that shit, but with much vaguer definitions so that suddenly understanding German counts.

I WILL KEEP AN EYE ON YOU.

[elizardbits.livejournal.com]

OTHERKIN EVANESCENCE SONGFIC

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

HEY I GOT ONE RIGHT!

There will never be a problem with me speaking GERMAN. Even if I get possessed.

THANK YOU FOR WATCHING OVER ME. LIKE MY GUARDIAN EX MORMON ANGEL. <3

[elizardbits.livejournal.com]

people who write kidfic and make the kids talk in lispy baby talk are LITERALLY FUCKING WORSE THAN EVERY GENOCIDAL FUCKHEAD THAT EVER LIVED

there

i said it

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD. BUT CROSS THAT WITH SOMETHING LIKE LEGEND FOR DAVID BOWIE FEELS.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

OH GOD I HATE BABY TALK. Never did it with my own babies. I LOATHE INFANTILISM IN ALL FORMS.

...except actual infants are all right. Mostly. /Newt

[canuckpagali.livejournal.com]

I hug you in gratitude from afar! Fail!parent fic would be so welcome right now...

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

You know, I started writing a type of kid-fic in teh WTS 'verse way back in April and lost the thread. It's just sitting there, waiting for me to figure out what the hell I want to say with it. :)

Oh, you can always share links with me! If it turns out to not be my thing, I'll just X out, no worries. <3

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hooray! I love hugs!

I'm going to post it in just a bit, actually. :)

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHA YOU CANNOT HAVE BEIGE COUCHES ANYMORE, WHAT ON EARTH Ahahahahhaha *wheezy laugh* HA!!!

Right after I had J, I went through a horrible SPN RPS kid!fic phase. I would say I'd rather have had post-partum depression, but not everyone gets our humor, so I'll just backdoor it in there.

I want to read your Klaine kid!fic soooo much, though. My typical ennui with kid!fic is...however many fold I end up typing:

1) The infantilism of grade school aged children, as you mentioned, along with the special snowflakeness
2) Their lives DO NOT CHANGE. Beige couches, marathon sex (granted, with a M/M couple you don't have the hormone rollercoaster, but STILL) and if they have to go out, EVERYONE wants to babysit, even when the kid is five. This does NOT happen in RL, as you know. Will people watch an adorable, constantly sleeping six week old so you can "get some rest"? Yes. Will non-close-family members and/or students you have paid handsomely watch an active four year old so you can go to a goddamn hockey game? As today bears out (once again) for me, HELL NAW.

3) The kid is invariably named after someone who has died recently (remember all the Anya-Joyce Tara Harrises Spike and Xander had, LOL?) *or* as you said, some made up Neveah bullshit (or some phonetic monstrosity, such as my cousin's daughter Saylyr) but they're called something terribly twee, like Bean or Niblet and I don't even know why that bugs me.

Now I want to hear about #2's project. Did it grow purple tentacles out of her backpack and live in the school basement??? I'm never letting Buffy go, am I?

[evewithanapple.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I had one of those robobabies in eleventh grade and it was THE ASSIGNMENT FROM HELL. I had one of the older models that you had to hold a key to to make it stop, and you had to twist your wrist to keep it keyed in, so I basically had to hold my hand like that until it cramped. And it went off six times on the first night alone, and in media studies when we were watching a movie and GAHHHH. We were watching what's now one of my favourite movies, and yet I still can't watch it without twitching internally, waiting for that horrible noise.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Girlfriend, it is posted. :D (And you know I am intimate in a Biblical way with post partum. I'm saying it fucked me over, did that...was that evident? Snerk.)

1) AGREED omg
2) AHAHAHA at having eager babysitters. Wow, is that not how it is.
3) Oh, that bugs me, too. JK ROWLING I AM SCOWLING FOREVER AT YOU, JFC. Very rarely is there a nickname someone gives a kid in a story that doesn't bother me, but they're usually so twee and "precious" (and unoriginal) that I don't like that, either.

AND THERE WERE COWBOY VAMPS, TOO!!!

[elizardbits.livejournal.com]

it is absolutely and without question actual trufax canon that kurt has dressed up like jareth at least once in his life

[bethynyc.livejournal.com]

Doritos Cool Ranch Pay For Our Child's College Jr.

Right now I want to get pregnant just so I can name a kid that. JUST FOR THAT! I don't even care that I'm totally not parent material and have no sperm donor and aging premenopausal ovaries.

For realz.

Stoney, you made me want to spawn.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

CLEARLY THIS STORY SHOULD HAPPEN.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I'm telling you, it's the greatest birth control in the world, right? DO NOT WANT THIS. (Unless you do, but hopefully not when you're still in high school.)

My daughter was positively sobbing at one point, trying to "help" the baby. I, of course, was laughing.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

HAhAHAHA. You could get a puppy and name it that instead? :D

OR GET ONE OF THESE BABIES. OMG, the horror! ;D

[evewithanapple.livejournal.com]

THE BEST. Although I did point out to my teacher at the time that it doesn't really replicate the experience of having a baby- real babies have upsides, like being cuddly and your having been programmed to care about it. These things are just hunks of screaming plastic.

[bethynyc.livejournal.com]

Oh the batteries would be out in *seconds* I tell you. *milliseconds*

I don't get it. People always told me I would be an awesome parent, but I just don't see it. My hat is off to great parents like you and flaming_muse because I would be awful.

I'd make a good auntie though.

[chefreeni.livejournal.com]

I have read the fic of which you speak and raise my calloused, burned, pricked, painted-with-marker and white-glued hand in praise.
The detail I get the most kick out of is the outfit, because of the layers. If it was Emilia I bet she'd be in the hat and dress from Breakfast at Tiffany's.

[elisi]

*cackles*

I've written Spuffy baby!fic. And kid fic. With real kids. (I gave them twin boys who were right little hell raisers. Love that fic. Mind you, it's also the schmoopiest thing I've ever written, but the kids are allright. *g*)

I have three of my own... I know EXACTLY what you speak of!

ETA: Went back and looked at the baby!fic (it's about the birth of said twins, and a lot of it is introspection from Spike, as he worries about what kind of father he'll be etc. etc. - I'm sure you know the drill: former vampire introspection & musings on redemption & second chances & having been a monster and so on. BEAUTIFUL, I tells ya. Very deep. And I'm still thrilled to bits with my ending:

Three weeks later, Spike can vaguely recall that he had some noble motive or other attached to this fatherhood thing. But the only thought that his hazy, barely-functioning brain is able to process is a fervent, desperate prayer: ‘Dear God, for the sake of all that is holy - please, please let them sleep for more than half an hour!’

[dovil.livejournal.com]

Did Klaine shit the baby out while his partner burst into song and the hospital staff danced in the background? No? Amateur.

You should have one of them snap and drown the kid in the bathtub, but I don't know what songs appropriate for that. "I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair" from South Pacific is probably stretching it, but hey, it's preppy.

A furry song-fic is next on the agenda now. You said it, it has to happen now. Ahahaha, god help us all.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha! One of the funniest things I read about parenting was by Dave Barry, who woke up deaf in one ear. He immediately suspected his three year old (and was right, as his son had poured glue into his ear while his dad slept.)

I am SO HAPPY you loved the layers!!! That made me howl with laughter to write, so it's awesome that I'm not laughing alone.

Kurt would TOTALLY Audrey Hepburn his daughter, right?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha - realism never lets the idealism stand, right?

And Spike's prayer at the end: SO SAY WE ALL! <3

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

There was a distinct lack of vampire urination or singing, so clearly I need to work harder on that.

Oh! I should write knotting fic where each powerthrust from the ALpha causes the bottom(cough) to piss the baby out one.thrust.at.a.time.

And then the child bursts into song and rainbows explode and wings sprout out of everyone's faces THE END!

[chefreeni.livejournal.com]

no hon, Blaine would. It would all be on Blaine to go old Hollywood, because Kurt would know that that stuff is all handwash or dry-clean only.
Do you watch The New Normal? Everyone's saying it's future!Klaine, but I say not really... for one thing Klaine would have the Hummel house on speed-dial so that Carole and Burt could listen to to the baby's cry and diagnose the situational response.