Tales of Whoa

[stoney321]

First, and most importantly, today is the birthday of one of my most favorite people in all of LJ land, a person who I look for everytime I post fic, a person who I look for HER fic, and someone with a rapist wit. Isn't that it? No? Happy Birthday to the fantastic violethamster, and Trish? Keep your eyes open for a box with mixes. I'm sorry it couldn't be there for your b-day, but I wanted to make sure you got Buffy, too. :-D

Second, uberaeryn and crazydiamondsue (with, no doubt, a kicking and screaming elcazavampiros) watched Christian Kane sweat, grab his crotch, and (somewhere in all of this) play softball (ROVER. The position is ROVER.) And I had a houe full of giggling, noisy 8 year olds running amock at my daughter's b-day party.


Since my daughter's b-day falls on Memorial Day Weekend, and the first weekend after school lets out, usually there is a drought in the friends being home department (located near men's better dressing and the restrooms.) So we've taken to having it the weekend before. She didn't want to get crazy (and frankly, I don't like big blow out parties for kids. What the hell are they going to do when they hit 50?) so: 3 friends, a movie, hot dogs, trampoline, cake n' ice cream , kids go home. Invites are of the luau persuasion, come at 11 so we can get to the flick on time. number 2 decides she wants to give Shit!Kid a second chance and invites her. Alright... Remember how I wrote in RED INK that the party commenced at 11 am? And it was a 5 hour party - not like they aren't going to get their freakin' play time in, mm'kay? Guess who shows up at 9:45. AM. Shit!Kid. I had juuuuust gotten back from my walk (read: sweaty, stinky) and was blowing up balloons while Mr. S is vacuuming and straightening up. I look at the mom dumbfounded (she exists to satisfy her daughter's whining and to exercise and bleach her hair. And possibly put on a tan from a spray can. So she' totally going to be my new BFF [/sarcasm]) and the mom is faux shocked. "I thought it started at 10!" But... It isn't even 10, nitwit. "Well, Shebli (ugh) just couldn't wait. She just had to get here."

Did I fail to mention that she has her mother fucking cockapoo in her hand? She's the type that takes her dog EVERYWHERE. I fucking hate that. I don't want your dog in the restaurant I'm eating. Yes, I'm sure she's precious. But that isn't a Helper Dog, so get him the fuck home. And take that sweter and cap off your dog. Dumbass. So she BRINGS HER DOG INTO MY HOUSE. And wanders around my house. With her dog. Those that have been friends with my LJ for a while know I have cats. Four of them. And one is stricken with cancer. And is (rightfully) paranoid of dogs. SO they are freaked. And she just KEEPS WANDERING AROUND MY HOUSE. WITH HER DOG. ON THE FLOOR. TRACKING MY POOR CATS. So we ignore her. And I keep blowing up balloons. Finally, I say, "Well, I really need to finish here and shower. Because the party starts in an hour. So..." Smile. (I'm still Southern.) "Oh, my gosh! Okay, well, when should I pick her up?" (Now.) "Well, the invite says 3:30." (HINT.)

I ignore Shit!Kid who proceeds to my daughter's room to pick it apart (her mommy just had someone "do" her room, you see.) and clean up. Then the other girls show up. And they are JUST LIKE my kid. Basically, I like them a lot. Fun, silly, girly, but tomboys underneath the cute capris and flippy tops. Nice. We get in the car to drive to the theater, and they play the "I have" game. "I've gone horseback riding." "Well, I've..." You get the idea. My kid talks about going to Utah and going rock climbing with my BFF. And they were honest-to-god climbing up a 5.11b (for those that know rock climbing). So Number 2 is telling this tale and Shit!Kid (who is sniffing and poo-poohing everything - bitch) and gets a smirk, taps her lip, and says in a condescending, sing-song voice, "Number 2? you know how I can aaaalways tell that you are lying? Because you touch your mouth when you talk?" Smirksmirksmirk. It was ALL I could do to not pull over and yank her hair. I caught her reflection in my rear-view mirror and said back, "Shelbi? Don't talk to my daughter like that. She *DID* go rock climbing, and she *HAS* done such and such (other things in the brag game) and I don't appreciate your tone. You need to watch your mouth, young lady." *motherglare*

The other girls? Smirking. Because Shit!Kid was taken down a notch. Publicly. The rest of the day was spent with the other girls elbowing out Shit!Kid and her playing "look at me!" Ha fucking ha. SO PLEASED. And (of COURSE) she whines about everything. "Mrs Morrison?" (pinch your nose and speak like you're a female Cartman) "If I don't have popcorn and Sprite at the movies, I get sick." "Mrs Morrison? My seat isn't very nice. I want to sit there." (Where one of the quieter girls was sitting) "Mrs. Morrison? I don't eat hot dogs. Or cake. Or ice cream."

My response? To all of her whining? "Well. You just aren't going to have much fun today, are you?"

Heh heh. So. If I took Shit!Kid back in time, you KNOW who she'd be, right? NELLIE fucking OLSEN. ESPECIALLY the Nellie from the show. not really pretty, but her mom puts the fine feathers on her in hope of making this do-do squawk. The other girls got hugs and extra treats in their goodie bags when they left. I just held the door for shit!kid. And they are leaving our school. HA HA!

As an aside, we saw "Kicking and Screaming" with Will Farrell. Not the best movie for 8 year old girls. But it was okay. EXCEPT. I am a disgusting person because I had a girl crush on one of the 11 year old boys from Italy on the team. OMG, so hot! And his moves! *swoon* And we all got chills at the Harry Potter trailer. OMG, this summer is going to be when I asplode: Star Wars (I decided to hold off until Stoneyfest), War of the Worlds, Hayry Potter - book AND movie, Batman... OMG, be still my nerdy heart...

Mr. Stoney started adding Bourbon to his Coke as soon as we got back from the movies. I held off on the margaritas until 4, when everyone was gone and the house was put back into some semblance of order.


In other news, I'm working on writing up the Buffy Mix, am burning the Faith CDs, will make massive post office trip (so far I have 14 people wanting the mix, 3 CDs each, not to mention the "back orders" for the other mizes - meep!) at a later date. Am prepping for Star Wars with Stoney (Stoney Wars? Ego much?), have sprayed fish emulsion on all growing things, so I smell goooooooood. Like a bloody armpit that has carried a few dead fish across the desert. YUM. Off to shower, then I have a personal post to my Number 2 to make, because I love that kid with one third of my heart. Wait. One fourth (sorry, honey.) She gets an entire ventricle. Or atrium. One of those chambers.

Lastly, but not least, today is another of my most favorite people in all of LJ: dusty273. Mari, just thinking about you being in the world makes me happy. you are such a lovely person, so beautiful, smart, sweet, a good mommy to your beautiful twins, and a good daughter, aunt, PERSON. I love wearing my headband (as does No. 2) and listening to my Mari Mix. Think about you often, and it always brings a smile to my face. *smooches you* Mix coming... soon.

Comments

[entrenous88.livejournal.com]

Ack, that little girl sounds like a nightmare. Sounds like you dealt with her in the best way possible.

Have fun with the Stoney Wars!!

[somecandytalkin.livejournal.com]

Hey! I called StoneyWars! And it should by spelled like *points to the left* like that!

And also? Damn meddling dog-brangin' kids!

[beadattitude.livejournal.com]

I totally would have set that child on fire. In the most loving way possible.

If you call it Stoney Wars, does that mean you have to do your hair up like Leia or Padme? Hmmm?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

She is HORRIBLE. Face like a french bulldog. With long, greasy ringlets. She's popular why? Oh, because she's a bully. Meh.

Wish you could come, but I know why you can't... I'll drink many beverages for you. My liver is in training as. I. Type. Ha!! (Actually, this will be training for meeting dovil in Spetember - those Kiwis can put it away!)

*pokes liver sticking out attractivly from my rib cage*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

AHHH!! The mom is TERRIBLE. She's the typical Plano mom with the HUUUUGE SUV for her stupid kid, fake boobs, lipo, tan in a can, and bleach hair. but her head? LOOKS LIKE JAY LENO, I AM NOT JOKING!! Ha ha ha!!

Um, are you coming to spend the night Sunday? *boings* HUH?? Is B coming? We are going to the Legacy Cinemark, showing is at 8:30am. COME SPEND THE NIGHT!!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Ha ha/ Fire = love. Which is why I want to buy you all the flowers in the world. And oll you in them so you smell beautiful for EVAH.

I'm looking at the Leia 'dos. They are more do-able, what with the spray, teasing, acoutrements of the Padme 'dos. I mean, there is a BEauty Box *somewhere* that will tease my hair in the old style Big Dallas 'Do that could compare, but yeeeooowch.

*squeezes you because I CAN*

[leeannaray.livejournal.com]

You, my dear, are a terrific mom. The fact that your daughter wanted to give Shelbi a second chance tells me that. Also, I don't know how you managed to keep your cool with the mother and her dog. I'm afraid I would have been very rude.

Yay! Stoney Wars one week from today.

*Does a happy little dance*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

OMG. This time in 7 days? YOU WILL BE WALKING DOWN A GANGPLANK TO SEE ME!!!!

I'm so excited!! When you get a chance, would you email me your flight info? Flight number is fine, I can check with DFW to make sure flight's on schedule, etc. and I'll email you a recent pic and my car. I'll make a "LEEANNARAY" sign and put it on my windsheild. Hee!!

OMG! FUN FUN FUN!

[dusty273.livejournal.com]

Aww, you're too sweet, Laura. *hugs you tight*

And good for you on bringing down a notch that kid. ;)

*hugs you again*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

MARI!!! *smooches you all over*

One day, ONE DAY I will be in Guatemala, and we will sit at an outdoor cafe, and watch the boys walk by, and giggle and laugh, and eat good food.... ONE DAY.

(Feliz Cumpleanos, mi amiga!)

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

"Well. You just aren't going to have much fun today, are you?"

You are the best Mom ever. My mom was never around when all that shitty one-upping stuff happened, so I just had to grin and bare it. *time travels you kick my own personal Nellie Olson's ass* I love you, stinky pits and all.

STONEY WARS!!!

[ropo.livejournal.com]

::so glad Shelbi & her mom are leaving #2's school::

[julia-here.livejournal.com]

Shelbi's Mom reminds me, tragically, of a Mrs. Lt. Col. who decided I was her BFF when our kids were in school together (why, I do not know- I think she mistook my hard core left-wing organo look for Way Right Wing Fundie), and who went to The Other Church with us and who, when she had me trapped in the passenger seat of her SUV, senile and incontinent Golden Retriever under my seat, proceeded to cross-examine me about who, in this small and historically unchurched town, was A Secret Jew.

It was beyond creepy.

I came home and got very very... herbalized.

Julia, sometimes my desperation to get rides to plant sales makes me take great risks

[paynbow.livejournal.com]

Ick...Shit!Kid sounds JUST like this chick Melissa that I went to highschool with. She was frinds with my cousin Kirsty, and when people are mean to Kirsty I tend to go apey. First, she would tell Kirsty that she was fat, second she told my aunt that she could only eat Kraft Mac and Cheese since she had chicken pox in her stomach (???) and therefore couldn't eat anything else. She broke a ring that Granny Mirtza had given Kirsty that belonged to Mirtza when she lived in Latvia, which is a big fucking deal, since Mirtza had to flee the Red army after WWII, or be killed as a Kulack, so she didn't take a hell of a lot with her. And when Melissa broke this family heirloom all she said was, "well, it was ugly anyway." That was in elementary school. In high school she was CONVINCED that she was the bestest little actress in the school and would complain when she wasn't cast in plays. Finally our Drama teacher was so sick of listening to her parents rant on about how gifted little Melissa was that sh would just cast her in bit parts to shut them up.

I'm so glad you took Shit!kid down a few pegs. I hate whiney kids. I hate people carrying around their little rat dogs too. But mostly I hate whiney kids...the sooner they learn that the world does not revolve around their every whim, the better.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Dude. You would not have loved me with the stink. It wasn't necesaarily MY pits that were stinky, I just smelled like a bloody/fish pit. Because of the fertilizer and sweat. YUM. I am so ladylike. I should have put on leopard print work gloves, which would have been the equivalent of lipstick on a warthog.

And of COURSE she's whining about the fare (what frickin' kid won't eat one of the following: cake, ice cream, or hot dogs?) but once the other kids ignore her and don't ask WHY she won't eat it, she wants some. Feh. Nothing like a shit mom that will give her kid anything and then leave her USELESS in today's world.

STONEY WARS!! OMG, I may (just *may*) have found Darth Vader mugs. Think, coconut/tiki/monkey head cups, but DARTH VADER. HA HA HA!! The gift bags will RULE the SCHOOL. Stickers! Okay, no stickers.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Seriously. The best (THE BEST!!) part is the advice I gave my daughter lo these many weeks hence? She took. The other two kids that came were also the "picked on" and they all ganged up, ignored the jerk, and had a blast. You could see Shelbi back peddling and trying to refigure her whole outlook on life. Which is sad.

But not my problem.

*high fives you, throws confetti*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*chuckles*

Oh, man, if I didn't have loan of my husband's truck, the people I would rely on... Yikes. And I get it. I know why you endure. *loves plants*

The mom is just oblivious. She's in her forties, this is her One and Only, and life revolves around the kid.

OH!! Shelbi dropped the bomb (trying to turn the convo back to herself) that she's trying to sleep like a big girl and not with her mommy and daddy anymore. (!!!!) Which explains why she's an only child, and so very much more. o_O Not everyone should have kids.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

And this family is the one/two sucker punch of white/orange crud eye/ankle biter dog (poor dog. It can't help you owns it) and whiney kid. AHHHH!

Part of me wishes I could be a teenager babysitting this fool so I could lay into them and just not be hired again. I have difficulty remembering I'm a parent and can't get in this kids face. Because I'm ITCHING too. But watching her struggle after she realized life goes on without her? Made me a little sad. But jeez. Not my problem. Stupid parents not giving their kids the skills to survive.

[paynbow.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the kid is clearly the product of over-indulgent parenting...and possibly that rat-dog. I'm not ruling out the rat-dog *g*

I feel bad for those kids, but not too bad, because I have a hard time feeling for anyone who gets their yayas through making others feel like shit, no matter what their circumstances are.

I just hope you had an impression on her...man, it'd be funny to get in her face, though. Maybe I could fly on over there... *eg*

[julia-here.livejournal.com]

My sister's 51 and her one and only is seven... however, she's not the bleach-and-gym sort, and he's... I have told you he's the one who introduced us to the air-lift-to-class-1-trauma-center experience, right? His idea of being cool is doing chores he's a good ten years too young for- which so far has only cost him half his thumb and 2/3 of his index finger.

But- yeah. One of Miss Perfect's posse has her own Harley, at 16, and two Cavalier Prince Charles Spanials and a projection TV. Years of social shunning got her over the two-precious-child thing, but when they were freshmen the girl had lots of expensive toys and no friends. So maybe Shelbi {shudder} will outgrow it.

Julia, with a bad case of feeling utterly crappy

[crayonbreakygal.livejournal.com]

Woohoo, go Stoney go. Shit!kid has a lot to think about. Did she learn a lesson at your daughter's BD? Maybe. We can only hope. I love your description of her mother. Kind of sounds tragic and a bit frightening. We have a few of these kinds of parents on my son's baseball team. They get pissed when their kid can't pitch or be put at a base. If they can't do it, they can't do it. I tell my kid that if he messes up, then he'll end up not playing the position he wants to play. End of story. Thanks for knocking her down a few notches. She needs it.

Eventually this bully kid will not have any friends. Just like the kid in my older son's class. He tried to pull a fast one in class the other day when the kids were giving their oral presentations on their history reports. My son was wrapping up his question and answer session, when bully kid decides to ask a question that was asked three times and answered that many times too. Well, my son was being too nice. The teacher literally smacks the kid down by saying that question had already been answered and that could he please refrain from doing that again. I was sitting behind bully kid and was ready to stab him with a spork. Both teachers just rolled their eyes and moved on. Kid was totally embarrassed and my kid's presentation went well, I hope (I was there to watch because he wanted me to).

It's so nice to see that your daughter is a nice young girl. There are so many girls nowadays that aren't. Keep on doing what you're doing. It's working.

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

I still remember going to birthday parties with girls like that. *shivers*

Have a great time at Star Wars.

[spikendru.livejournal.com]

My response? To all of her whining? "Well. You just aren't going to have much fun today, are you?"

BWAHAHA! Best mother line evah!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Man, you aren't joking. So far, these two girls are great, but I like their parents, too. A general rule of thumb for me: if I like the parents, I'll (usually) like the kids.

(How you feeling, momma?)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

StoneyWars!!! EEEE!

I LOATHE girls like that. That's why the new rule is no more bad people in my home, of any age. We'll see if that works. *snort*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hee!! It's better than what I *wanted to say* which was...

*Jerry Springer-esque head roll*
Oh, no you DI'INT! You better take that nappy ass, shit for brains attitude and walk your sweet little ass home for talking to my kid like that!

I really shouldn't be allowed out in public, most days.
*eg*

[spikendru.livejournal.com]

But . . . but . . . you're so amusing! Wait! Maybe you should be let out in public more often!

[ex-dovil323.livejournal.com]

You are such a good mum, and for the fact that you didn't push Satan dressed up as a little girl from your moving car, means that your a good person too.

You so verbally beat down that 8 year old. Stoney wins so there you little snot nosed whinger. Plus she's a better drawer and has better hand eye coordination, sucker.

[somecandytalkin.livejournal.com]

Yesh. Yesh I am. B? Dunno yet. It's gonna depend on this commercial.

OMG... 8:30 am!?! Whoa.


Okay:)

I forgot Star Wars is one word, btw.

[somecandytalkin.livejournal.com]

Replacing either the word is with isn't or one with two.
Me back away keyboard now from. Look, I accidently did Yoda speak.

[smashsc.livejournal.com]

You can borrow my liver for the weekend. (-: I don't need it anymore.

(that is if livers heal over time - if they don't mine wouldn't be of much use.)

I leave for vacation in like 90 hours. Possibly I've crossed over into crazyland.

Oh! Plan. I'm planning on pulling out of Kansas City at like 9/10AM on Sunday morning so that put me in your neck of the woods by 5ish. Sound okay to you?

[crayonbreakygal.livejournal.com]

Second trimester. Not too big yet. Just right in the size. Been in the pool a lot! Too freakin' hot already. My kids wait on me a lot too. So nice to have older kids who will do all the chores for you.

If it's a girl, I'll have to ask all that girl advice from you since you have it down well. I'm so much in boy mode right now.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_sharvie_/]

Stories like that, make me glad I decided to never have kids. *shudder* You managed to keep calm, I would have been like, "That's it. It's throw down time!" Again with the 'not everyone should have kids' theory. *raises hand and adds self on list*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Sent you an email with my digits, etc. Call me when you're getting close so I can make sure you can avoid any traffic/construction/aligators...

EEEEE!!!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Every girl I know (my daughter's age) with big brothers are kids I like. Something about fighting for every morsel of food, getting teased, and simulateously being protected from the outside world makes girls better.

:-D

*smiles at your tummy, but would never touch without permission*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

She is Satan. With a pug nose and sticky-outie ears. I'm really a lovely person, huh? Making fun of children is a terrific character trait.

A funny line from the movie I took the girls to: Will Farrell is arguing with a child and asks him if the kid can stay up late and eat a box of cookies for dinner? Because he can, so there.

HA HA! Taunting kids is awesome.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Man, I love women who say, "nope. Not having them." Love. That. Because too many people just have them to have them. Or to dress up. And they show up at my house and give me a headache and make me want to bend them over my knee and pound some sense into them.

I sooooo wanted to throw down. I have serious Mama Bear issues.

*buys you a drink and envies your body that isn't ravaged from childbirth*

[violethamster.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the birthday wishes, which have given me warm fuzzies. And possibly made me resolve to remain utterly serious for the rest of my life.

Can't wait to see what songs you choose for the Buffy CD.

Hope your daughter had a fabulous birthday party despite the shrill and evil presence of Nellie Olsen.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

you do realize you're getting ALL of the mixes, right?

Has today been good? Are you still serious? *pokes you* How about now? *makes a fart noise under my arm* Now? Still serious now?

Ugh. Nellie. It just hit me today that this kid is the evil offspring of Nellie Olsen and Cartman. WOW. *burns the earth*

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! And seriously: you are just awesome, and I wish I could hug you for real. One day...

[inlovewithnight.livejournal.com]

Hee hee hee. I love you taking down bratty children. Awesome. And you held off on the margaritas for that long? You are a woman of great strength. ::nod:: I want one just thinking about dealing with children. But then, whenever anyone mentions a margarita, I want one...

[http://users.livejournal.com/_sharvie_/]

*buys you a drink and envies your body that isn't ravaged from childbirth*
*lol, accepts "Cherry Coke" aka Coke/Grenadine/Cherries and cherry juice.*
Maybe not, but it's seen its fair share of Bagels and Smears.

[mskakaako.livejournal.com]

Um, please tell me that kid's name really isn't "Shelbi". I feel sorry for her because with "Shelbi"'s personality and the unique set of social skills she inherited from mother, that kid doesn't have much of a chance. Her mom sounds like a bonafide moron. I do love how you put that kid in her place. It's too bad her mom doesn't have the common sense to do that. Motherglare sounds a lot like my Teacherglare. It works everytime!

I am a disgusting person because I had a girl crush on one of the 11 year old boys from Italy on the team. OMG, so hot!
DUDE!!! Did you catch the Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau's (heehee...I had to google his name)wedding on crappy Entertainment Tonight? HEEHEE! Sicko. :P

Also, sorry for doubleposting. LJ is a jerk.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

It's because margaritas are so goooooood.

*drinks with you*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh, it *is* SHelbi. Juuuuust like that, too.

Motherglare (if held for too long) can melt through steel. STEEL!

And I did see that about Vili and Mary Kay! But, to my credit, I just longed to be 11 and innocent, not make babies with a greasy student and forfeit my family. :-D

[anelith.livejournal.com]

OH I want to hug you so tight for your fantastic handling of the loathsome Shelbi! I wish I had your head for the right thing to say at the right time. What's that French phrase for how you think of what to say only long after the moment's gone -- I think it translates as the "spirit of the staircase" -- entrenous88 has it as her comment tagline. Anyway, that's how my brain works, I can never come up with cutdowns when I need 'em.

I'll have to whip out my cell phone, hold up my hand and say, "hold it right there!" and call you. I'll tell you the situation and get you to give me the perfect withering cutdown. Yeah, that'll work perfectly.

*snort*

Your daughter was lovely to give Shelbi a second chance, even if it didn't work out. Perhaps with someone else it would have done. And you were so much more gracious than I would have been to the mother with dog. I love dogs, even the stupid lap ones (really I do, they can't help being stupid) but they aren't allowed in my house to terrorize my old arthritic cat.

[kaydee23.livejournal.com]

Booo to shitkid!

[desoto-hia873.livejournal.com]

"If I don't have popcorn and Sprite at the movies, I get sick."

That is the lamest line ever. I'm embarrassed for the child.

I wish I'd had you around to tell off one of my friends when I was growing up. :-)