A bit more vodka in that glass, please.

[stoney321]

I am a tool. OF THE DEVIL. If I could be the tool of the devil, I'd want to be one of those 16 in 1 pocket screwdrivers with all the spare bits in my handle. And a ratchet action. If I'm going to work for Old Scratch, I may as well be the best little helper in all of Hell.

In other words, school starts tomorrow. And yes, it has been raining. Hard enough to keep the children in doors. Anyone remember what they used at the Hyperion to get that pentagram out of the flooring?


Saturday was my garden club meeting, and NO, for the fiftieth time, I'm not 83. You ask again, and I'll jam a knitting needle in your eye and sic one of my cats on you. Anyhoo... A new lady to our group hosted. She was in our graduating class, seemed nice, but kept to herself. A "Scotty-Dog Applique" with pants that pick up the jacket on the dog type. You know JUST what I'm talking about.

I pull up to her house (which was an amazing Spanish-style mansion right on the lake, uh...), knock on the door, it opens by itself and I walk in. And started gasping. Like, horror movie final reveal gasping. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME are 8 heads mounted on the wall of various antelope. Now, my family has hunters in it: but they hunt for meat, not trophies. I DESPISE trophy hunting. I think it's disgusting. These heads are African antelope in various species, and the size of a quarter-horse. Turn the corner:

ELEPHANT TUSKS. As tall as me. Holy shit. I'M PRETTY SURE THAT IS ILLEGAL AND HAS BEEN SINCE THE 1940S. My father, who rebuilds pianos, has to replace older piano's ivory keys with synthetics. IT'S ILLEGAL TO HAVE THAT. Oh, and there were a bunch of little ones, the length of my arm, too. SO that means they came from babies. If it wasn't for a really good friend coming up to me and pulling me into the party, I would have turned around and left, and I'm still sick with myself for not leaving. But I haven't told you all, oh no.

In the hallway is a fucking BABOON. A baboon. Full body taxedermy. And they have him standing, holding a tray. For coasters. *cries* A puma. Full body, lurking behind a sofa. A ZEBRA. A DRUM made from an elephant leg. It's pretty small, too. *cries more* Chandeliers made from tusks, horns, antlers. Water buffalo heads. You know how old ladies have doilies on the arms, backs of chairs and such? They have pelts like that: racoon pelts and fox pels and who the fuck knows on EVERYTHING. Bear skin rugs.

AND THE WORST: in the "game room" (okay, they took this literally) was a MASSIVE stone set into the wall, say, a ton. (Or tonne, for my metric friends.) Resting on this, as if he has a full belly and can't be bothered to hunt, is the full body of a LEOPARD. Killing predators is wrong. It is WRONG! It is WRONG to kill something to collect a part of it's body, Jame GUMB!!

So, they have a Weimereiner. My second fave dog. (Behind a heeler) She's old and arthritic and her name is Mambo. EEE! She was very sweet and hugged me and let me love on her and I wanted to whisper, "Run, Mambo. When you die, they will mount and stuff you and put in a voice box to make you bark when guests come." Or lure her with my chicken bone and threaten to hurt her: "Don't you hurt my dog!" "Don't you MAKE me hurt your dog, mister!" Three of you get that instantly.

I ask if her husband is a Big Game Hunter. No, no, he's a DEFENSE ATTOURNEY FOR A PHARMECEUTICAL COMPANY. Of course. Of COURSE he is. So basically, he has a long history of justification. I see. Oh, yeah: he's defending the Vioxx case currently. Nice. I called my husband as I left to tell him all about this (Mr. Stoney is a hunter, and I have some issues with it, but he's an old school hunter: you hunt for the meat, and if you can't shoot and kill in one shot, you have no business being out there) and he offered to kick the guy in the nards.

[ETA]for clarity: the husband is a hunter in his spare time. He pays for Big Game Safari outtings. So... it's like in Jurrasic Park with the goat tied up and he's the T-Rex. Fucking disgusting. Yeah, real challenging, Mr. Micro-Penis.

In other news, I dropped in at somecandytalkin's house and visited for a spell. She and her husband are fun. I meeesed her.

Did I mention that school starts tomorrow? Supplies: bought and organized. New school clothes: fit, folded and ready. Doctor visits: all done, clean bill of health. Ortho: holy Jesus, woman. Dentist: no more sugar. Wallet: frickin' EMPTY. And soon the house will be too...

Sorry I haven't been chatty with everyone... I know Susi got a dragon, Posh is back from vacay because I'm getting old replies answered, Dovil's cracking me up, Julia's been in her garden, Sue's been reading HP, Ladycat's A/C went out, and Lynne wrote some ouchie/hot/pretty Connor with Angel and Spike, Anne got back from vacation.... If I missed you, it's because I'm typing with one hand and separating bored kids into corners with the other. ♥ you all!

Comments

[trepkos.livejournal.com]

Well, at least you escaped from the House of Death...

[timeofchange.livejournal.com]

God, how creepy. So, are you saying they bought all these "trophies" because they like how they look?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

JEEZ. Maybe they didn't want me because I have freckles on my skin...

GAH!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

NO! He hunts them in his spare time. Sorry, didn't make that clear. He's a wealthy man that pays an outfit to let him ride on the back of their truck (air conditioned and fitted with his favorite beverage, to be sure) and shoots down at the animal. Because he apparently has a tiny penis.

IT IS HORRIBLE!

[julia-here.livejournal.com]

I'd narc that guy out to the FWS endangered species endorsement people in a minute. Unless he's got permits for the tusks, that's a felony right there; so's the leopard.

Wish there was some kind of bad taste felony statute, because the baboon would be first degree tacky with intent to be cute.

Anna's bouncing around the house because she's going to get her registration packet tomorrow. School couldn't happen soon enough, as far as she's concerned, but we don't start for three more weeks.

Julia, ooked out

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Well, I wondered about the legality, and then about permits because he's a lawyer. Albeit a slimey one that works for The Man... I'll ask my dad about the ivory. He knows the laws on that particular bit.

As for school... keep in mind that our kids get out on Memorial Day, so that's why the earlier start date.
*deep breath*

[trepkos.livejournal.com]

If the animals were CITES listed - and it sounds like at least some of them must be - he'd have had to get special import (to the US) and export (from the country of origin) permits for them to import them legally, unless they came in before the US signed up to CITES.
(Convention on International Trade in Endgangered Species)
You wouldn't have to know for sure, to ask the authorities to check up on him...

[marlo.livejournal.com]

Jay-zus! I'm a vegetarian (admittedly, not policial about it at all, but)... YEAH. FUCK.



This picture gets a lot of mileage on LJ, man. ;)

How come your kids are going back to school in August? Is that a Texas thing, or do they go to private school, or what?

[trepkos.livejournal.com]

BTW I think all spotted cats are CITES listed.

[bitchygrrl.livejournal.com]

WTF!!!!*and you know I'm stingy with the exclamation points* What kind of sick, madness did you walk into. You are better than me because I would have lost my lunch. Meat is one thing but trophies . . . Just reading it made me feel a bit sick. The house in the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre was in better taste. I won't even start about the baboon holding the FUKCIN' tray because what it's a servant now? No, I won't start on that. GRRR! Madness, madness I say. *stomps off* *hopes Mr Big Game gets crushed to death by an angry mother elephant* * know that's not right* * doesn't care*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Good to know. Just talked to my dad about the tusks. If they were in the country before '75, they are legal. Could be he bought them from someone, or he "got" them before 1975. But he'd have to show papers.

I don't want to be an ass, and I'm not the kind that throws paint on a furcoat (I certainly wouldn't BUY a new fur coat), but it just seemed like overkill. Okay, that was waaaay too punny, even for me.

It's just... kitties. And the baboon brought tears to my eyes. WHY?? Why do you need that?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh, Marlo, I'm not a fan of PETA, but I don't support animal cruelty or appreciate taxedermy... Just... uhg. BLECH.

We start school a little early because it's so HOT the kids can't play outside. Plus, they get out at the end of May, so school starts up a little earlier.

[hellziggy.livejournal.com]

*cries*
Oh, I can't believe how horrible that house sounds! I'm all for going on safaris & shooting all the pretty animals... With my camera & telephoto lens!!! And hunting when you eat the meat? Yeah, that's how it should be. Especially since when it comes to deer we've eliminated most of their natural predators (don't even get me started on people killing wolves because oooh, they're scary & evil...) so the deer population is actually healthier when people hunt them. But elephants? and leopards? Grrrrr.
Poor weimeraner. He must be terrified of what they'll turn him into.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

YEAH. The baboon was what made my stomach roll over. I won't tell you any more details, but I stood in front of it for a few minutes, just... shocked.

Oh, he wouldn't get crushed, because he'd be in the back of the ai conditioned Hummer sipping champagne. What COULD happen is a pissed off mob of natives comes in with machetes and hack the "hunting party" to pieces. For raping their land of it's natural resources. A girl can dream....

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

House of Death!!! I got the immediate "just home from the garden party" version, so yeah. The baboon probably hurts me the most. Collected and humiliated. Bastards.

Caza finished "Goblet of Fire" and you know that one thing that happens after Harry finishes the thing and goes with that one guy to meet that dude? Yeah. Caza cried, but in a manly, blinking way. He's now well into "Order of the Phoenix," but he went back to work today to get stuff ready for his estudiantes.

I watched bad TV all day yesterday and tried to catch up with my flist. Lynne's story was fantastic. I also got inspired to write an AtS gen fic from Gunn's POV. I'm a strange fangirl. Don't forget to meta me something, hor. Love you.

[bitchygrrl.livejournal.com]

Hacked to death with a machete, that will do. I hope it's dull and rusty. I'm going to watch Manchild now ( Anthony Head always makes me feel better).

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*pets Mambo, the sweet puppers*

My disklike for PETA stems from the time when wolves were being re-introduced in Yellowstone (which I fully support.)

They didn't want the BLM killing a few sick moose in a herd of 3000, because "killing animals is wrong, mm'kay" and blocked them in court from removing the sick animals from the herd, and eventually the entire herd got sick and died. Needless.

I come from a family of farmers, so I don't romanticize animals too much, and you know, animals kill other animals, but as you said, we've taken out the natural predators for many animals, so I don't have a problem with balancing out things. But trophy hunting sickens me. ANd for the record, unless I was starving and my kids were in dire need, I don't think I could kill an animal, myself.

I threw up when I had to kill a bunny my cat hadn't "finished off."

OKAY. I'm obviously not fit for humans today...

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

OMG I am going to turn this trophy hunting into meta on vampires.

YOU WATCH ME!!!

Okay, write that fic. DO IT. I will force you into a corner where you are CRIPPLED and CANNOT WRITE. Heee!!

Love you, too. Gonna exercise before it's so hot I pass out.

[beadattitude.livejournal.com]

::is speechless::

::seconds Mr. Stoney's nard kicking::

::hugs you hard::

Tomorrow, tomorrow, the house's free tomorrow!
School's only a day away.

That's the best I got.

Besides more of the Picard/Jazida and a little smut drabble wot I wrote.

[beadattitude.livejournal.com]

Oh and Jame Gumb? ::snork::

Do not take hand lotion from these people, Stoney. No no.

[julia-here.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know, and even without snow days this year Anna was out on the 19th of June- and had five weeks of voluntary summer school that was only over two weeks ago last Friday. But she's the kid who kept trying to sneak into her brother's preschool class when she was eighteen months old.

She's got a Theater leadership retreat this week, which means I've got to take her jeans shopping tomorrow. She went from girls sizes to her current jeans size in seventh grade, and strangely enough all her initial supply of midrize bootcut jeans died last spring.

Julia, luckily the school supply thing looks like paper, pens, and the biggest 3 ring binder in existance for her theater stuff

[poshcat.livejournal.com]

Jame Gumb! Chicken bones! Body parts! ::so gets it::

Great post - in a freakish, skin-crawling kind of way. Only you can make dead baboons funny. Okay, I'm going to stop complimenting you now.

I like how they were all proud of their soul-sucking house and careers and lives. Totally clueless. Have they never seen Psycho?? Taxidermy = creepy insanity. Were any of the other guests as twitchy as you? Or is this all just business as usual in TX?

So school starts tomorrow, huh? ::ENVIES::

>>If I could be the tool of the devil, I'd want to be one of those 16 in 1 pocket screwdrivers with all the spare bits in my handle.

Hee! ::screws with you::

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

**scratches the three off list**

Oh, the lovely friend that I wanted to chat with, ergo, my staying, was sufficiently saddened by the death. She LITERALLY will not kill a fly, and not in a creepy Norman Bates as Mama way. :-D

**enjoys being screwed by Posh** Wait. Is that NOT what you meant?
**uses ratcheting action on you 'til you cry out**

SCHOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!! I just may give the new teachers open-mouthed kisses.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

HA HA HA!!! *crosses number 2 person off list*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I am going to DANCE in my quiet house tomorrow. WHEEEEE!!

(Okay, if you'll tell me who Jazida is, and link me, I will READ. I WILL.)