Tension breaker: had to be done.

[stoney321]

Short, but OH MAN.

Not to say that I write fantastic sex scenes. BUT. I know that none of the following is sexy. Which, correct me if I'm wrong, but sex scenes are supposed to be - what's the word? *snaps, snaps* SEXY.

• being fornicated Even the Amish will say "fuck" if the mood is right and it's Rumspringa


• fingering his nipples I don't think it works that way, unless you have gauze to pack the holes to slow the bleeding (And this wasn't a Wolverine fic. Which would make sense.)


• "Do you taste like chocolate and mint down in your pussy?" Okay, I love Thin Mints, I'm not gonna lie to you, but I don't "love" them. If you see where I'm going here.

In that same fic above, a Hermione/Draco/Blaise threeway, for the record, brought about by Hermione baking brownies and Draco and Blaise deciding it was time to bone Hermione - the way to a man's heart and all that, I suppose - Draco times his orgasm so the brownies don't burn. DUDE. He's better than an egg timer! Impressive for a TEENAGER.

• her breasts were juggling And for my next trick! I'll blow a candle out with my poon while tap dancing to Swan Lake! Maestro? Music, please!


• "...make love to me," she said and my brain and mind went all excited. Brain and mind? Um, I think you left out the part that's needed for sex.


• My bed was smell of pure sex. [...] We left the bed as it, smelt. I did not alter the text there one bit. WOW. And I really don't need a lot of odor with my sex. Just me?


• ...pounded into her crotch, spearing through her slurping snatch, honey gushing from her cock-stuffed twat. If I'm thinking of carving up a turkey at Thanksgiving, you've painted the wrong picture. Stuffed? Spearing? SLURPING? Also, I need many, many showers now.


• ...while [he] slurped and drooled over the girl's throbbing pubescent breast bud There are ninety-seven things wrong with this. 97. YOU HEARD ME. (Also, I've said it once, I'll say it again: WE DO NOT FUCK THE MENTALLY CHALLENGED, PEOPLE. Drooled??)


• the bumps on her shaven mons rippled under his tongue Things I don't need to get off: manuals.


• man juice CALL MY bad!fic girl! She's been plagiarized! She-juice? HELLO.


• TIT BUDS Let's call them buds, nipples... Okay, this could just be me. I dun lyk tit bud.

And last: in reference to Arthur Weasley's enormous schlong (I'm not even going to tell you what he was going to DO with it, because I would like to keep my breakfast down, thanks) : The Weasley Whopper.

For those that enjoy precision when you write about penis length, because IT IS IMPORTANT TO HAVE THAT DOWN TO THE QUARTER INCH, there's now a handy conversion chart if all you have is shoes size to work with.

*pounds fist into hand* Ve must be PRECISE! Und now I vill go und finish ze feek I am verkink on.

[ETA] because I've been wondering about this for a while. When am I going to read "dugs" in a fic re: bewbies?

Comments

[beadattitude.livejournal.com]

Burger King has a tie in with the movie now - and probably will offer a special meal!

Tit bud? Aren't those small song buds? Why is he licking them?????

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Ahahahaha!! The titmouse and titbud flittered about the maples, the dappled light bringing out the..

I can't even finish that without making even less sense. Bwah!

[allegraconbrio.livejournal.com]

...pounded into her crotch, spearing through her slurping snatch, honey gushing from her cock-stuffed twat.

*cries* Why, oh why? eep.

The Weasley Whopper is funny, though. :D

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Gushing and slurping and... Man, you need a MOP having having sex with these folks!

(The Weasley fic pushed me beyond what I can take, though. Mr. Weasley's claping his hands together, pursing his lips, and saying, "Right-o. Who's first to take my enormous cock?") Ahahaha!! Trust me when I say I'm making it funny. It is NOT a funny fic.

[fishsanwitt]

OMG - you made me *laugh*. Thank you :)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I aim to please! Ha, you're welcome!

[yin-again.livejournal.com]

I choked on my banana. No, an actual banana. Perv.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

It's okay. I can imagine all sorts of wrong things with a real banana. WHAT?

[elisi]

Very, very good! But - published gay erotica just about beats it!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Heh. You say that because YOU haven't gone to my memories and read the 12 other bad!fic posts, have you? Heheheheheh.

SNAPPING ALIGATOR PUSSY. I will never, NEVER find anything more glorious than that and cream of cum. Hee hee!!!!

Thanks for the link! Bwah!

I luv you, HP fandom!

[cherusha.livejournal.com]

- nipples that "throb"
- that throbbing nipples are somehow normal and not at all a sign of radiation
- the word "breast bud"
- pubescent??
- using words normally associated with your pet Tonto
- calling into mind what happens when your six-year-old cousin gets ahold of a chocolate fudge sundae
- the obvious implication that Draco (?) has been slurping milk out of a lactating Hermione
- the fact that the breast milk is mouthwateringly delicious to Draco
- the fact that Draco has sex with Hermione
- the fact that Draco has sex with a girl
- the thought that Hermione's breast bud is one season away from blooming into a beautiful breast flower
- pubescent??
- Novocaine is NOT a laughing matter
- the natural conclusion that Hermione's dentist parents are somehow involved in all of this


...and 83 more to go.


So this was written by a pimply, horny teenaged boy, right? There's not enough purply prose otherwise.

Re: I luv you, HP fandom!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Ahahahaha!!! (Some of this was FINAL FANTASY fic. Bwah! Oh, internets, you never fail to amuse me.)

Everyone of your reasons made me laugh out loud, and I'm losing precious oxygen. (whoa. The Hr parents implication has me SHAKING MY HEAD.)

[julia-here.livejournal.com]

I've read at least two TS fics lately where I've had to skip the porn because it seemed entirely unrelated to the plot and absolutely generic, but seeing how bad things can get, I guess I should be glad for small favors.

Julia, having Done Things yesterday does not free me from the need to Doo Things today. Dammit.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh, the bad pr0n. It's so pervasive.

I've been alllll about the gen fic lately. As far as new stuff goes. (I have plenty of excellent porn fics memoried safely away to cleanse the palate.)

[bitchygrrl.livejournal.com]

Oh for the love of porn why? why? *said in the Nancy Kerrigan whine* WHY?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hahahahaha!!!

*slides knee-pipe into sleeve, skates away*

[drusplace.livejournal.com]

I'm really not sure if I should laugh or cry after reading this.

Especially this part: ...pounded into her crotch, spearing through her slurping snatch, honey gushing from her cock-stuffed twat.

*runs away covering her eyes*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

DUDE. This is TAME. (If you need further laughing, feel free to check out the category in my memories: bad(grat!)fic.

Good for what ails you. :D

[rydra_wong]

fingering his nipples I don't think it works that way, unless you have gauze to pack the holes to slow the bleeding (And this wasn't a Wolverine fic. Which would make sense.)

To be fair, the verb "to finger" can mean "to touch with the fingers", not necessarily "to penetrate with the fingers" ...

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

...

We're having some FUN HERE, PEOPLE!! Come on! I at least get points for the Wolverine mention!

[anelith.livejournal.com]

My one coherent comment is: ARTHUR Weasley???! They chose ARTHUR?! to write a porny fic about?

*faints dead away from the wrongness of it all*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh, Anne, I'm not even going to tell you the plot line. OH DEAR GOD.

Weasley Whopper.

[moosesal.livejournal.com]

Oh man, you're killing me. Too much. I just can't even imagine how you stuck with it.

There are tears on my cheeks.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*girds up loins* I stick with it to bring to you the goodness, that's how.

*down Gatorade* Okay. Going back in. *limbers up*

[omgorli4jd4eva.livejournal.com]

*too lazy to log out*

How can her twat gush honey if it's cock-stuffed? And if it's cock-stuffed, why is there slurping????? :(:(:(:(:(


*meta*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I DO NOT KNOW!!!!!!

Oh, there was a LITERAL HONEY POT in that fic. Hence all the honey. *cracks up again* I like when allusions become REALITY.

I'm still waiting for all the "mouth" references for a vagina to result in the vagina talking back, or better yet: singing.

[tinpanalley.livejournal.com]

Oh, I've been waiting for another one of these posts! I adore them so! And, these samples were just as squicky and wrong and just EWWW! as I was expecting!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

MAN. I love it. I love the bad imagery, the smells, GOD the smells!!!

*shugs*

[thepiratequeen.livejournal.com]

You've given me my new diet plan.

Anytime I feel the urge to eat I will look at this post.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Damn straight. It's worked for me! (Glah! This is what turns people off het sex in fic!!)

*cream of cums*

[pernickety.livejournal.com]

slurping snatch ... props for the alliteration, but... duuuude. NO.

Thank you for bringing the funnies, dahling. ♥

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

It's wrooooooong. (and there are 12 others in my memories under Bad!fic.)

I love how cracked out you are, my love. Off for a lunch, back later, HEART YOU!!

[aimeelicious]

I'm disgusted and amused at the same time. This is a valuable public service announcement if I ever sawed one!! I am verklempt! Or something =P

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Heee! YES. I am selflessly bringing this to the world at large to HELP THE WORLD, OMG.

Or something. ;)

[entrenous88.livejournal.com]

her breasts were juggling And for my next trick! I'll blow a candle out with my poon while tap dancing to Swan Lake! Maestro? Music, please!

Okay, the reaction to that one got me a "My god, are you all right?" from my boss, and offers of cough-drops from three different co-workers.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hahahahahahaha!! I actually have more fun with my commentary than the bad fic. Because I am a SPAZZ. Hee! We're chatting RIGHT NOW!!

[poshcat.livejournal.com]

>>My bed was smell of pure sex. [...] We left the bed as it, smelt.

ROFL! That one was my favourite.

And just to point out that "fingered" doesn't necessarily mean...heh, just kidding. ::tickles you until you gush honey EVEN IF IT TAKES ALL DAY::

I am on day 8 in my cycle, Stoney. Even "cock-stuffed twat" makes me hot. Hellllp!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!! OMG FINGERING MEANS TOUCHING AND ISN'T BAD, YOU MESSED UP, STONEY!! Heee! (I know it was just a casual observation - I just enjoy the FINGER pointing. With holes.)

DAY 8. *points to icon* Mmmm, hmmm.

[dlgood.livejournal.com]

My bed was smell of pure sex. [...] We left the bed as it, smelt.

I love a multifunction bed as much as the next guy, but I'm not so sure about this. In fact, I'm pretty certain that using your bed for smelting is a major health code violation.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

BWAH HA HA!! And I have strange thoughts of the end of Alien 3 with Ripley pulling her "baby" from her chest as she swan dives into the hot molten iron ore...

*gives Dave 5 points*

[screaming-mimie.livejournal.com]

Hmm, my husband's shoe size (10) isn't on the chart.. does that mean he doesn't have a penis?????

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

YES. He is dickless, and now you have PROOF.

(Oh, man. I just crossed a line, huh? Hee!)

[dancetomato.livejournal.com]

...pounded into her crotch, spearing through her slurping snatch, honey gushing from her cock-stuffed twat.

The worst part? Someone wrote that and thought, "Damn! That's hott!" It was slurpy because he shot his baby juice into her.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hahahahaha! "Baby juice." I am so working that into a fic. Credit to you, of course.

(It's the fact that I know there are those putting that into the Spank Bank for later that bothers me...)

[a2zmom.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure whether I should be happy I just ate since I don't I could have after reading this, or just give in to my vague feelings of illness.


Maybe there could be a warning label - you must have had sex this many thimes to write this sex scene.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hahaha! I like that warning label. And in a thread up there, we decided this is a good way to stick to your diet. Read this, and you lose your appetite. :D

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Ahahahahaha!!!

I JUST SAW YOU. *huge hugs again*

[rainkatt.livejournal.com]

You win. I can't decide between "EW!!!!" and laughing until I cry, so I'm laughing while saying, "EW!!!!" And crying. Now I'm seriously wondering what kind of dreck they copied this from...

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

It came from their brain place!! That's what is so fun about it. I love their brains. (You did know there's a bunch more of these in my memories, right?)

*pops corn and re-reads*