stoney321 | Once More, With Irony

It's because the Mormons came to my door this morning. I always rebel when they find me...

BAD!FIC!!

From an HP fic (Sirius/Remus) I learned that they:

both smoke Parliaments (can you even GET those in Hogsmeade? Honestly, I see Sirius as a Marlboro Reds guy, and Remus as a Dunhill Blacks.)

Sirius "burned a round whole in the bedspread"

after yelling at Sirius for an entire paragraph, all caps and underlined in case you didn't get that he was yelling, Remus paused and "mused that Sirius' head deserves a crown." Kids these days with their nonsense.

and the most honest line from a first time slash writer EVER, Remus to Sirus: "I'm not going to lie. I have no clue how the hell this is going to feel."

And a stand alone moment: The passion he stored inside him burst out like a born again Christian. 'Praise the lord,' he thought."

Honestly, I'm disappointed that I haven't read about ejaculate bursting forth like those aliens from the movie with the same name. Hello my baby, hello my honey... hello my ragtime gaaaaaaal! (~~Twenty points to the person who gets that reference.~~ Spaceballs has a scene parodying Alien and Michigan J. Frog. The answer is Spaceballs.)

And from my favorite gal, she of the cream of cum and snapping, pissed off alligator vah-jay jays, who has men go on a tour of the District of Vagina... (warning! May make you grossed out!)

"[her panties] stuck to her pussy like a new skin" I'm thinking of the pain of ripping off a band-aid, and that isn't a turn on. Also, GAH.

"He pushed Buffy's softness back until they resembled butterfly wings ins three shades of pinks" Okay, if you can be THAT GRAPHIC with labia, you should friggin' CALL IT labia and not softness. Her softness? Also: EWWWWWwwwwwwWWWWWWWWWuh! Can we be less clinical? I don't mind details, I just don't need the camera jammed in there so close that I can count pores.

"Spike infested her" I like thinking of sex as a type of viral disease. Flu = sexy (Just ask Monica and Chandler.) For the record, E. Coli gets me hot. Like, liquefied guts hot.

"His thrust was sharp and immediate just like his orgasm" Because a one-pump chump is what we're all looking for. Well, maybe if something really good is coming on TV, then that's a bonus.

Last, but not least, and this came from an outside source (meaning, I didn't find it): (and the writer is OBVIOUSLY a homophoneaphobic)

I am so hot for you," said Mugen.
"I want to put my think in your butts," said Jin.
"Idon't know about that," said Mugen. You're thing is so big and heavy and meaty. You might make me bust and O-ring and then I might pooh myself at some point in the future." Still, he was really hot and liked thinking of what it would be like to have Jin wriggling like a hot fish inside his secret place.
"I will be gentle," said Jin. "Like a cow treading daintily over newfallen snow."

Strange and unsexy metaphors? Check. Misspells that give a whole new meaning to the sentence written? Check. Ne'er-do-care attitude to punctuation? Check. Gratuitous wanna-be sex scene sprinkled with grade-school terminology? Check. Odd un-sexy similes? Check.

If you have to be told that describing gentle sex as a COW doing ANYTHING isn't ideal, you should probably write something else for a while. Or if you REALLY THINK a penis acts like a hot fish in a secret place, maybe write friendship fic until you get a little more knowledge under your belt. Or you know... stop using babelfish to translate your fic.

WOW. And to all y'all h8ters out there... I want to put my think in your butts. WILL SOMEONE ICON THAT FOR ME?!?!? *falls down laughing*

[eta] *whistles* Yo!