Thus sayeth thuh Lord, for I am too tired to sayeth it myself

[stoney321]

I have given leave to my child Stoney, for she is without strength in her body, yea in her limbs.  She has touched the Spirit and it has weakened her, even unto consuming of the Coke-a-Cola and unto the chips of tortilla, and they have been fried to a delicious crispness and sprinkled as with salt.

She has been about doing The Work.  And The Work is of a tiring nature for it involves speaking to the flock, and the multitudes.  And they are weak minded, even unto being called Simpletons.  For they do consume many pork products, which thus sayeth God are unclean.  Especially when they are wrapped in corn bread and fried and placed on sticks and left out to come to room temperature, which my son Leviticus didst speak unto you about earlier.  And when they are consumed with over-priced colas and served with popcorn, woe unto those that are carrying an extra 100 pounds.  For they will sweat.

And on this yesterday didst our prophet Stoney speak unto the multitudes.  And she spake at the Convention Center which is downtown, and was filled with the Devil.  And the Devil was disguised as Snake Oil salesmen who told the people that they had products to make their lives easier.  And mesh covers for gutters, and hard coating for fences that maketh unto them an ugly site unto the Lord.  And tchotchkes that should be burned at an alter annointed with oil to make a pleasing fire unto the Lord.  For Precious Moments figurines are not pleasing unto me, yea, they maketh me want to send a plague of something to wipe out their creepy big heads with eyes that round in a most unpleasing way.

And the people were afraid of the words the prophet Stoney had.  They were afraid, yea that she would causeth them to open their monies and cause them to spew forth.  But she yelled at the money changers, for they did want to charge a transaction fee for the taking of her own money.  But she did speak unto the people and did instruct them to not overwater their lawns.  Yea, and to not put plants that do not belong in the clime of Texas, and things unto this.  Mostly she spake unto the removal of fire ants, for they are not of God, but are the spawn of Satan.

And lo, as the meeting did begin to close, the people began to see that she spake the truth, for she did not want their money.  She did, but only if they won the lottery and were of heart and mind to share, but that is not important now.  And on this day she did heed her own words and lay down 20 cubic yards of manure unto her garden.  And it shall flourish, thus sayeth the Lord.  And with the laying on of hands, most likely by her loving mate, she shall rise again for another day to spread the word of growing your own tomatoes and roses.  For I am the Alpha and the Omega, and my god, if you read this far you are a true friend.

Comments

Blessed are the lazy

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

For they are filled with rest and have savest unto them the energy to consume my heavenly spirit, yea even unto the drinking of tequila, mixed with lime. Perhaps a splash of Thrice Sec to round out the flavors and make it pleasing unto me and mine own children.

For thou art wise to not dabble in the sacred language of my Father. For it becomes all consuming and shalt keep you from doing divers things. And people will wonder at your use of divers and not know that it meant other and shalt be amazed at your frightening capacity of Biblical language.

Be not afraid, for thou I speak in strange tongues, know that I am your Lord. Of the dance.

The carrots...

[cityphonelines.livejournal.com]

You got this stuck in my head from the beginning. Can't take credit, it's from a Tool album:

And the angel of the lord came unto me, snatching me up from my place of slumber. And took me on high, and higher still until we moved to the spaces betwixt the air itself. And he brought me into a vast farmlands of our own midwest. And as we descended, cries of impending doom rose from the soil. One thousand, nay a million voices full of fear. And terror possesed me then. And I begged, "Angel of the Lord, what are these tortured screams?" And the angel said unto me, "These are the cries of the carrots, the cries of the carrots! You see, Reverend Maynard, tomorrow is harvest day and to them it is the holocaust." And I sprang from my slumber drenched in sweat like the tears of one million terrified brothers and roared, "Hear me now, I have seen the light! They have a consciousness, they have a life, they have a soul! Damn you! Let the rabbits wear glasses! Save our brothers!" Can I get an amen? Can I get a hallelujah? Thank you Jesus.

Blessed be Jules (and carrots, verily)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.

But fear not, for I the Lord have grown weary and do not smite people as I once did. Oh, I may smite one or two, but I havest not "laid my vengeance" since my Chosen people were beseiged by the Romans. So fear, but not greatly. Thus sayest a tired Lord.

Re: Blessed be Jules (and carrots, verily)

[cityphonelines.livejournal.com]

You forgot to add that you're a bad ass muthafucka!

Blessed be the plum, juicy asses, and not in a Biblical sense

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

And thine ass shalt be kicked from unto me, and the strength of mine own kicking shall shake the very foundation of heaven, thus sayeth the Lord.