Yes, New York! It's really us, Barnaby and Cornelius!

(All the guests of Mr. Hackl are feeling great and look spectacular...) What? Isn't "NY, NY" by Frank Sinatra a little over-done? CHECKLIST:

• clothes - variety of weather conditions - CHECK


• raincoat - CHECK (and boooo, East Coast. Booo.)


• passport, false identity, key to a new life hidden under secret obsidian pavestone on 114th and 5th Ave - CHECK


• lube, bongs, number to that guy in the Bronx with "firepower" - CHECK


• ocelot fur coin-purse - CHECK


• positive mental attitude - CHECK


• barely legal porn - CHECK


• other reading material for the flight - CHECK


• map of Manhattan - CHECK


• laser pen- CHECK


• bibles - DOUBLE CHECK


• white-noise-canceling headphones (you have no idea how much cherusha talks - be prepared!) - CHECK


• BOTTLE OF MILAGRO SILVER TEQUILA - CHICKITY-CHECK


• sacks of cash - CHECK (they even have a dollar sign on them! That'll make them seem like props as I saunter through NYC carrying them, so I won't get mugged. Right?)


• extra snacks for plane since they don't FEED US ANYMORE - .....check.

And because this is really, really funny: a final link before I go from McSweeny's. 13 Writing Prompts. Now, don't y'all go doing anything entertaining while I'm gone, 'kay?