When life gives you lemons, read bad!fic!

[stoney321]

First off, happiest of birthdays to my Susi Q! beadattitude is year older, and I hope that your day is lovely, that Jeff takes care of weirdness that crops up with the remodel, that you have delicious sweet tea just like back home, and a nap with the kitties. :)

Second of all, big thanks to those that offered commiseration yesterday. Gah. I spent the day outside in the garden and reading entrenous88's latest fic "Safer" which is a MUST READ for those who like dark fic with bad cops and young boys. *bites knuckle* Seriously, Entre is a master at both the hotness and descriptions that put you right there with the characters. Fantastic.

But let's face it, you're here for the bad!fic. I would like to throw out that I found dark fic for the Home Improvement fandom (who knew?) that has had me crying with laughter. Because... TIM TAYLOR. A drunk, abusive, his kids on drugs and cutting themselves while working at hot-topic [sic]. And getting girls pregnant with their second babies (?!?!) at the age of 16. Did I mention the alcoholism and drug abuse? And how during all the emo woe, Wilson is walking around with a pot to obscure the bottom part of his face? Ahahaha! This is in, like, four fics in that fandom. Oh, people. Never stop making me laugh.


In the "We Shouldn't Use Our Chemistry Homework To Create Names For Our Characters" Category:

Jadeite and Malachite.

Names I would like to see in the sequel:

Ironite, Molybdenumite, Dynamite (She's the loose cannon) Chlorite (a salty wench) and Sulfite (Sulfite is such a stinker. He's the "Pig Pen" of the gang)

Ah, nothing like chemistry jokes. Unless it's the "I Don't Think Bodies Work Like That" Category:

• She was a vision. She looked urethral, like a young goddess. I'd like to see her and Sulfite hook up. What with how he stands erectal, they'd be stunning.


• A string of harsh coughs bursts from his chest surprising him. I'd say so! It surprised Kane when an alien draped in spaghetti burst from his chest, too.


• There was a strange presser she felt building within her body. This is one of those fill-in-the-blank comments you get to make! Interactive bad!fic is all the rage, dontcha know. (I'm imagining someone leaning against an elevator button inside her with an erector set under his arm)

How about some "Phun With Spelin g Gives It A New Meaning" Category?

• She was standing at the edge of some precipitate


• She clutched it to her chest for a minuet (Unfortunately, it only knew how to Foxtrot)


• When he fist entered the forest (No walk to the door and goodnight kiss after that? For god's sake, did he even use lube?)


• In the throw of passion (I keep envisioning Ben Stiller in "There's Something About Mary" when the dog comes at him and he ducks, tosses the dog out the window and pops back up all confused." But during sex instead of a dog attack. Hahaha.)


• barley knew each other (Yeast of all enough to hops into bed. Thank you. I'll be here all week.)


• What dose being a witch mean? (This is one of those Zen question. What dose indeed? *pulls out remedies chart*)

Ah, Romance. I'd forgotten you.

• He wanted to call out her name, but he couldn't recall what it was.
(Ahahahaha.)

• fear-wet cunt (WOW.)


• after climaxing, the heroine of one tale goes off to do laundry, like immediately. And she's all happy. Ah, hanging sheets out while he slumbers...


• he sank the full length of his hard, thick inches into her cunt and burst through her cervix (Oh, we were told earlier that he was two and a half inches "thick". It's the dedication to detail I appreciate.)


• she screeched her pleasure as fear and fullness mixed for a literally mind-blowing experience. O_O That's... that's messy.

Now's your chance to scroll!!! ZOMBIE BUKKAKE.


What on EARTH, people. What!? I'm not even going to GO into the maggots and where they were. GAH. But I will share this:

Their semen shot in the air like a hose ... all of their streams of goo met about thirty feet in the air ... where they blended together swirling in the air like a cloud.

Dammit, fic writer! Egon Spengler said DON'T cross the streams!! "Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light." "Total protonic reversal." "Right. That's bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Egon."

GOO? Clearly that was written by a 13 year old. Either literal 13 year old, or mental 13 year old.

Comments

[darlas-mom.livejournal.com]

...where in God's name do you find this? Who moved the rock?!

"Fear-wet cunt." "Streams of goo." Gah! ::scrubs brain::

Although..."she looked urethral." Freak that I am, I'm sitting here trying to imagine what that might look like.

::pets:: You are funny. These are not. Conclusion: thank God we have you to read them before our unsuspecting minds come across them. Our eyeballs could get sucked out of their sockets!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I think there's a connection between looking urethral and a fear-wet cunt... *rubs chin* Clearly I need to introduce these fanfic writers to each other!

:D

[brandil.livejournal.com]

oh god.

I needed that.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Man, me too. The bad!fic pleases me.

[chantal87.livejournal.com]

Their semen shot in the air like a hose ... all of their streams of goo met about thirty feet in the air ... where they blended together swirling in the air like a cloud.

Good Lord....That was a sentence of beauty.
bad!fic Beauty.
I am in awe.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Seriously! And now I've got all sorts of Ghostbusters quotes in my head. "Nimble little minx, isn't she?"

"Did you guys see the pole? I think we should stay here! You know, sleep here tonight!"

Are you the Keymaster? no. *she leaves* Are you the Keymaster? *nods* Yesssss!

[redbrickrose.livejournal.com]

HAHAHA. That's definitely what I needed this morning. Bad!fic is awesome. *g*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

It totally makes the world go round. *loves you all up*

[wolfshark]

Heee! You have to wonder about some people who write and slap it up on the internet. I mean, I'm not the best writer in the world, but at least I can *spell* and I have some idea about biology!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Gah, that seems to be the way to go, in most fandoms! Jot some notes in between lab and PE, then text it to your website/fanfiction.net and away we go!

I know I'm standing on the edge of some precipitate when I say that, too...

[poshcat.livejournal.com]

>>Their semen shot in the air like a hose ... all of their streams of goo met about thirty feet in the air ... where they blended together swirling in the air like a cloud.

I always hate it when that happens.

Also, isn't that the money shot in a couple of clips on my porn filter???? LOL!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

30 feet! 30 FEET!! The muscle control in those zombies, my heavens!!

(And... their dicks come off in their hands. So they continue to shake them back and forth like a can of beans in a bluegrass band! WHAT ON EARTH.)

[entrenous88.livejournal.com]

Awwww, Dynamite is an awesome name!

Then again, I was thinking this morning that "Lump" is a cute name. For a cat, though, amirite?

Whew! Those badfic writers. They keep me going, I tell you!

Also, thank you so much for linking to me/reccing my story! I really appreciate that.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Pshaw! I liked it, I want people to read. *beams*

LUMP! Heee, that's a TERRIFIC cat name. Amirite is a wonderful villan-name, as well. :D

The dark fic, J! THE DARK FIC! Tim freaking Taylor. I love it. (And why Hot Topic for a job? Such specifics...)

[beadattitude.livejournal.com]

OMG, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. More than usual. This was a most excellent birthday prezzie. I mean, zombie sperm cloud canon penises? And WHY are people so scared of them? If they were zombies, wouldn't their zombie bits uh, fall off with the force of their....ardor? I'm sorry to be so, uh, biologically correct in terms of force vs. necrotic flesh? Ew. Uh, vegetarian for me today, then!!! And some sweet tea with lemon!). Dayum.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

oh my gosh, look at my comment to Posh for further discourse on how the zombie cocks came off, yet they kept shaking them like maracas!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OH MY GOODNESS!!! And that tea with lemon will clean away all the zombie ickiness. :D

[elisi]

I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard... And now I have to go spend time with my 5 y.o. trying not to burst into hysterical giggles every time I remember this... oh dear.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*beams*

My work here is done, it seems. :D

[aimeelicious]

You broke me with bad!fic at WriterCon last year, so I figured, how much worse could it get?? HAHAHAHAHAHA OMFG!

There are some gems here for certain. Someday I should really start a running Word doc where I compile all the stuff I come across, because there is certainly enough of it to keep us laughing for the next millenium. HAHAHAHA my boss is going to fire me if I keep making these snorty noises.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh dude, this is SO TAME compared to the other stuff I've found. (Hit the bad!fic tag for the other twenty some-odd posts, should you want to find out for certain. *G*)

[cityphonelines.livejournal.com]

Mah jaw. It's hangin' open.

Dood, Egon knows best, but does anyone ever liste? Apparently not.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I KNOW. People! pay attention to the classics!

Also, random but you will appreciate this: I am listening to both Neneh Cherry (Buffalo Stance) and the soundtrack to "Tsotsi" which is awesome French/Zulu hip hop. (You want me to zip and up it for you?)

[nyghtpet.livejournal.com]

I was reading along, eating an apple and minding my business, but when this came along?

fear-wet cunt (WOW.)

I choked. Literally. WOW indeed.

And as for the semen interpretation of the fountains at the Bellagio...please tell me that was like, Harry Potter or something. Because I like to think of my 30-foot high semen clouds to be used for a purpose, like semen spells and semen potions.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Fountains of Bellagio!! Hahaha. (At least you didn't have images of the "dancing fountains" at DisneyLand.)

And no, it's not from HP, although that would be hilarious. It's from a Zombie Bukkake fic entitled: Zombie Bukkake. o_0

SEMEN SPELLS. Ahahahahahaha.

[ladycat777.livejournal.com]

I, um. Kind of just fell out of my chair. *wipes away tears*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*gives you a donut for your chair since you have an ouchie bum now* Hahahaha!

[a2zmom.livejournal.com]

All I can think about is some poor fictional female whose cervix was ruptured due to an unfortunate altercation with a 2 1/2 inch thick penis.

The horror.

Ah Stoney, you have made my day just a little sillier.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Isn't that hilarious!?? The details people stick in their fic... I love it.

*squish*

[lettered.livejournal.com]

In my weakened menstrual state, this post just makes me want to cry.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

DUN CRIE. Rejoice that you've not written a fic where zombie cocks come off in your hand, that your lover forgot your name during coitus, and climax makes you think of getting your whites whiter!

[anelith.livejournal.com]

I laughed so hard over this post and the resulting comments that I offended the cats mightily. I told them it was ALL YOUR FAULT.

Who the heck is Zombie Bukkakke? Never mind, I don't want to know about -- detachable penises and semen that can shoot 30 feet in the air. Yikes. Makes for some hilarious reading, though.

Did the girl standing at the edge of the precipitate fall off into the solution?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

No, no, no Zombie Bukkake is the TITLE. And Subject. GAH. And the guy (of course) that wrote it? you can tell he obviously thought the river of "cum" he detailed so carefully was hooooooot.

*washes hands a million times* Ahahahaha, I kept saying in my head about the precipitate chick that if she DID fall off the edge (cough) she's be the solute, the river (I assume there's a river on the edge of that (cough) precipitate) was the solvent, and her DYING A HORRIBLE DEATH IN THE RIVER was the solution.

Hee! Chemistry jokes are FUN!

[gillo]

Oh dear. Hoses and goo. I'll be over here in the corner, collapsed in a heap.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

GOO. Goo. He wrote GOO. Ahahahahahaha!

[camkin.livejournal.com]

*wipes tears from eyes*

that was too funny.
(recced by elisi

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh, man, and this is a CALM one. Hit the tag up top if you want links to the other 20 or so posts like this one.

Whew. There's some bad fic out there.

[chrisleeoctaves.livejournal.com]

OMG- I think I just peed my pants.

This is where the leakage started: barley knew each other (Yeast of all enough to hops into bed. Thank you. I'll be here all week.)
And it wasn't even the writer that set me off, it was your response.

Then...this he sank the full length of his hard, thick inches into her cunt and burst through her cervix (Oh, we were told earlier that he was two and a half inches "thick". It's the dedication to detail I appreciate.)

For the love of all things HOLY- puh-leeze to be stopping the writing of the smut whoever you are!

I *love* that you do this, Stoney. Truly. I needed this laugh.
mwah!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*sends you a diaper*

Oh, I love me some puns. And I think we BOTH needed the laugh! 'Tis the best medicine, and all. *squish squish squish*

[lumenara.livejournal.com]

Yeast of all enough to hops into bed
*laughs self sick*

fear-wet cunt (WOW.)
Yeah, there are no words.

and burst through her cervix
*scream of horror*

And the last one's just funny. It's a little known zombie fact that their semen transmutes to a gas. Okay, seriously, WTF? I'm not even sure why I just wrote that sentence.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

No! According to the author of Zombie Bukkake (and I use the term "author" loosely) it causes human flesh to DISENTIGRATE. So. His girlfriend? The one surrounded by the zombies circle jerking on her? (Right before they hose into the sky) She melts. Cursing him.

WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW. I think our 13 year old writer just learned the term "circle jerk," is what I think. o_0

[sp23.livejournal.com]

Their semen shot in the air like a hose ... all of their streams of goo met about thirty feet in the air ... where they blended together swirling in the air like a cloud.

And now I have a vision of some kind of zombie seminal silly string that shoots up and tangles together. Fun of the whole family!

This post made my afternoon. :D

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Silly string!!!! Hahahahahaha. (Except, instead of it being fluorescent colored, would it be grey and tan? Gleh.)

So glad you laughed! It's the reason for the season! :D

Bad!Fic *sniff*

[sunnyd-lite.livejournal.com]

She clutched it to her chest for a minuet (Unfortunately, it only knew how to Foxtrot) Dance Puns!!!

When he fist entered the forest (No walk to the door and goodnight kiss after that? For god's sake, did he even use lube?) oh for the love of gay porn! WHY WHY? How very rude, at least buy the forest a drink or something.

barley knew each other (Yeast of all enough to hops into bed. Thank you. I'll be here all week.) Stoney you have the BEST Puns!!! *orders the chicken*

as for shaking their penises, in the air...I keep flashing to an early 90's song called "Detachable Penis" which has its own Wikipedia entry here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Detachable_Penis) and the lyrics are Here (http://www.mp3lyrics.org/k/king-missile/detachable-penis)

Thank you Stoney... I needed that!!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hahahahaha, Oh I know that song! *g* And I'm so glad you laughed! I think we all needed a good one yesterday, to be sure.

*squish!*

[semby.livejournal.com]

Oh, holy God, it'll be awhile before I stop laughing. Where the hell do they come up with this stuff?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I don't know where, but if I ever find out, it would be like finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. *g*

[lynnenne]

BwahahahahahahahahahahahahaURETHRALhahahahahahahahahaha!

Jadeite and Malachite

*beats author with marble columns*

Did he endorse her cervix before he burst through it? 'Cause either way, OUCH!!!

literally mind-blowing. That word! I do not think it means what you think it means!

URETHRAL!!!!hahahahahahaha

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

URETHRAL. Oh my god, wasn't that awesome??? And you get BONUS POINTS for pulling old bad!fic in with the endorsement of her cervix.

You've literally killed me. Ahahahahaha.

[st_salieri.livejournal.com]

Dude. Duuuude! Badfic yay!

You totally need to do another badfic-athon at some point, because the first one was made of awesome.

Hi you!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh how I love me some bad!fic! (I'd do another gud summries ficathon if I could be assured that people understood it was supposed to be FUNNY. I got... I got a lot of serious fics from that. o_0)