This time, IT'S PERSONAL.

[stoney321]

Oho.

For all of you who tried to REASSURE ME that the Spider Of Doomitude™ was just as scared of me as, blah blah blah, they are beautiful, magnificent creatures that I should make out with, that it didn't want to eat my face and make its egg sac in my brain meat, that it really just wanted to sing romantic R&B hits while strolling barefoot on the beach while we planned our new web together...

YOU ARE FILTHY LIARS. You kiss your mothers with those mouths?!

I kissed my husband goodbye this morning, he opens the front door, steps out, SCREAMS LIKE A LITTLE GIRL and LIMBOS, spilling his coffee all over his dress shirt. Because the EVIL SPIDER MOVED FROM THE GARDEN TO BUILDING HER WEB ACROSS THE FRONT DOOR.

AT FACE LEVEL. I have tripled checked that all of my pets and children are accounted for. (Mr. S took a rake, gently scooped the She-Beast onto it and headed back to the garden with it. It PROMPTLY SCUTTLED UP THE HANDLE, ready to eat his face and lay her eggs in his brain meat. I heard a second little girl squeal and saw him fling the rake towards the neighbor's house.)

The neighbors are on their own. WE ARE IN A MARTIAL STATE, PEOPLE. (I have broken out in hives for the SECOND time. I itch everywhere. *whimpers*) But I would like to make some positive statements so I don't sit in my closet with my arms wrapped around my children and a loaded shotgun propped against the door: slackerace gave me a party hat on my user info, hahaha, THANK YOU!! and entrenous88 phoned me yesterday morning, and in a clear, lovely soprano, sang me happy birthday. Heeeee! I love my friends. Thank you for all of the birthday wishes - I think I found you all, if I didn't, its just because I've been hiding in terror in my home.

NOW COME RESCUE ME!!!!!!


Haha, entrenous88 had the idea hee!

Comments

[ladycat777.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD!! *hugs you close and hides you*

Jesus, is it time to call the bug people? Because OH MY GOD.

[thepiratequeen.livejournal.com]

I'd come rescue you but SPIDERS ARE SCARY.

*HIDES*

[redbrickrose.livejournal.com]

*shudder* That's really terrifying.

I believe you, Stoney. All spiders that big want nothing more than to eat your face and lay eggs in your brain meet. I have long suspected this.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I MEAN!!! It totally has a vendetta. (Has it come back from the future? Do I - through the Master Gardener program - find a way to destroy the robot/spider hybrid that Wyetami (The Company) creates? So they've sent this creature back through time to kill me??!?!?!?!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*cries* And I don't know where it is!! The Mister flung the rake, then jumped in his car and left me and the children to fend for ourselves like a BASTARD. *cries some more*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Okay, THANK YOU. They are not our friends. They are NOT. Hasn't everyone seen Lord of the Rings? Chamber of Secrets?! BIG SPIDERS = EVIL.

I think I might have to wrap my head (and my children's heads) in tin foil to protect our brains from egg layers.

[jerusha]

OMG! That's just...you're right. Anyone who said spiders were majestic creatures are just filthy liars. I am freaked out right now, and I didn't even have to face the thing. *pets you*

[halfmoon-mollie.livejournal.com]

Let me point you in this (http://www.nottproducts.com/spidernot/spiderkiller.htm) direction. My mother is deathly allergic to spider bites - and I mean that literally, last time she was bitten she almost died. We've used this at the cottage, I used to use it at the old place because I had spiders all OVER. It's good. You need to follow the directions, because of course, it's poison.

But in your case...maybe a good idea.

I'm looking for my spider squishing outfit right now.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

THANK YOU. Filthy, mouth-breathing, snot-nosed liars, the lot of them.

If you have a flame thrower, I would like to borrow it.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

OooooOoooh. I like the idea of that!! It keeps them from coming back?! *sprays whole house, children, me, my face, my animal's faces, but not the evil neighbors, because they can have their brains infested with spider eggs for all I care*

Oh, it's poisonous? I'll just spray the bee-keeper suits I'm going to be purchasing for protection, then. ;)

[ann1962]

The huge ones are evil. One here did a web across the deck staircase. 3ft by 3ft. Things could bounce of it, it was so strong. I took joy in using the broom handle to wipe it away. Augh.

[halfmoon-mollie.livejournal.com]

Well, yes, of course it's poisonous. I don't think you want to piss a great big spider like that off by making it really really sick.

Seriously, if you follow directions, it's just fine. And yes, it really DOES keep them from coming back.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I am impressed with your ability to get close enough to bat the eeb away!!! Spread your hand out - that's how big this one is. *Cries and cries and cries*

Hahahah. GAH.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

"I don't think you want to piss a great big spider like that off by making it really really sick."

*cracks the hell up* I can just see the spider turning its face away, touching its lip with a hairy leg, then pointing at me with it and saying, "YOU." It'll be just like a Bruce Lee movie, except with more legs and more girly screaming.

(I can't really kill it - I have this thing about killing predators, in that I can't. The Master Gardener in me just can't bring myself to do it. I'm just going to wait for my son to wake up and do a perimeter check. *g*)

[fitofpique.livejournal.com]

stoney, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! sorry i missed it but i was out of the office yesterday giving a workshop (*dies*) and then last night i felt like i got run over by a truck. but, as my gift, i will come over and relocate your spider to the porch of the neighbour you least like.

[elfgirl.livejournal.com]

Oh, Stoney and Mr. Stoney. It just wanted to give you a good morning kiss! ::MWAH::

::ducks and hides::

(In all seriousness, I love spiders, but those are a little freaky. I wouldn't have wanted it on me either. ::HUGS:: for both of you.)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

THAT IS THE BEST GIFT EVER. You officially win. *hands you sceptre and crown* Thank you very much for the birthday wishes, as well!

A workshop? Did you rock the body 'shop with your mad skills? *climbs up your back like a monkey to hide from Evil Spider*

[sweetumms33.livejournal.com]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Maybe the spider is trying to say it as well?

Oh who are we kidding, keep that creepy thing away from you, hopefully in neighbors yard. Aw, your poor husband, his new dress shirt. Spiders make me shudder, what eats them, you could get their natural predator, and then you wouldn't feel bad about killing it!

(I have no icon to suitably represent my grossed out/scaredness

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*SMOOOOOOCH* Best way to wake up, for serious. :D

And I like spiders in theory! I like what they do, I think they are amazing creatures... I just don't want them hollowing out my eyes to turn my skull into a Holiday Inn/maternity ward! Heeeee.

[samsom.livejournal.com]

OMG, it tried to eat your husband! I knew it. That spider can think, and holds a grudge!

*throws Stoney's plump little pets at spiderzilla and runs for the hills*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

That spider has no well wishes in its horrible neural tube, or whatever pases for a brain. It only has evil plans and eating in mind. *cries*

My husband just emailed me from work to check and see if we were all still alive. :D I emailed back: NO. THIS IS THE SPIDER. I WIN.

*clings!* And thank you for th eb-day wishes, too!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

IT DID!! It's like Angelus, taking out everyone I love to break me!

*cries* Whyfore did you sacrifice my fur babies to the evil? Let's steal the bad neighbor's Dobermans and shove THOSE in the way. It'll keep the neighborhood quieter... (hahahah)

Damn

[ann1962]

I waited for the spider to disappear. It was only about 2 inches, not huge like yours. Oh byw, they jump you know (scary fyi), so hide. ::hugs::

[dangomango.livejournal.com]

See, this is why I don't believe that "they're just as scared of you" crap. Because I have tried the co-habitation thing, and then they go and build webs across your front door at FACE LEVEL or move into your BATHTUB and learn how to swim, omg. *has issues*

[soundingsea.livejournal.com]

*sympathy*

I have a Family of Evil Spiders making webs all over my tomato plants. Every time I walk out onto the balcony, I wave our swiffer mop around to make the world safe from webs. Bleh.