This time, IT'S PERSONAL.

[stoney321]

Oho.

For all of you who tried to REASSURE ME that the Spider Of Doomitude™ was just as scared of me as, blah blah blah, they are beautiful, magnificent creatures that I should make out with, that it didn't want to eat my face and make its egg sac in my brain meat, that it really just wanted to sing romantic R&B hits while strolling barefoot on the beach while we planned our new web together...

YOU ARE FILTHY LIARS. You kiss your mothers with those mouths?!

I kissed my husband goodbye this morning, he opens the front door, steps out, SCREAMS LIKE A LITTLE GIRL and LIMBOS, spilling his coffee all over his dress shirt. Because the EVIL SPIDER MOVED FROM THE GARDEN TO BUILDING HER WEB ACROSS THE FRONT DOOR.

AT FACE LEVEL. I have tripled checked that all of my pets and children are accounted for. (Mr. S took a rake, gently scooped the She-Beast onto it and headed back to the garden with it. It PROMPTLY SCUTTLED UP THE HANDLE, ready to eat his face and lay her eggs in his brain meat. I heard a second little girl squeal and saw him fling the rake towards the neighbor's house.)

The neighbors are on their own. WE ARE IN A MARTIAL STATE, PEOPLE. (I have broken out in hives for the SECOND time. I itch everywhere. *whimpers*) But I would like to make some positive statements so I don't sit in my closet with my arms wrapped around my children and a loaded shotgun propped against the door: slackerace gave me a party hat on my user info, hahaha, THANK YOU!! and entrenous88 phoned me yesterday morning, and in a clear, lovely soprano, sang me happy birthday. Heeeee! I love my friends. Thank you for all of the birthday wishes - I think I found you all, if I didn't, its just because I've been hiding in terror in my home.

NOW COME RESCUE ME!!!!!!


Haha, entrenous88 had the idea hee!

Comments

[ladycat777.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD!! *hugs you close and hides you*

Jesus, is it time to call the bug people? Because OH MY GOD.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I MEAN!!! It totally has a vendetta. (Has it come back from the future? Do I - through the Master Gardener program - find a way to destroy the robot/spider hybrid that Wyetami (The Company) creates? So they've sent this creature back through time to kill me??!?!?!?!

[thepiratequeen.livejournal.com]

I'd come rescue you but SPIDERS ARE SCARY.

*HIDES*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*cries* And I don't know where it is!! The Mister flung the rake, then jumped in his car and left me and the children to fend for ourselves like a BASTARD. *cries some more*

[redbrickrose.livejournal.com]

*shudder* That's really terrifying.

I believe you, Stoney. All spiders that big want nothing more than to eat your face and lay eggs in your brain meet. I have long suspected this.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Okay, THANK YOU. They are not our friends. They are NOT. Hasn't everyone seen Lord of the Rings? Chamber of Secrets?! BIG SPIDERS = EVIL.

I think I might have to wrap my head (and my children's heads) in tin foil to protect our brains from egg layers.

[jerusha]

OMG! That's just...you're right. Anyone who said spiders were majestic creatures are just filthy liars. I am freaked out right now, and I didn't even have to face the thing. *pets you*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

THANK YOU. Filthy, mouth-breathing, snot-nosed liars, the lot of them.

If you have a flame thrower, I would like to borrow it.

[halfmoon-mollie.livejournal.com]

Let me point you in this (http://www.nottproducts.com/spidernot/spiderkiller.htm) direction. My mother is deathly allergic to spider bites - and I mean that literally, last time she was bitten she almost died. We've used this at the cottage, I used to use it at the old place because I had spiders all OVER. It's good. You need to follow the directions, because of course, it's poison.

But in your case...maybe a good idea.

I'm looking for my spider squishing outfit right now.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

OooooOoooh. I like the idea of that!! It keeps them from coming back?! *sprays whole house, children, me, my face, my animal's faces, but not the evil neighbors, because they can have their brains infested with spider eggs for all I care*

Oh, it's poisonous? I'll just spray the bee-keeper suits I'm going to be purchasing for protection, then. ;)

[ann1962]

The huge ones are evil. One here did a web across the deck staircase. 3ft by 3ft. Things could bounce of it, it was so strong. I took joy in using the broom handle to wipe it away. Augh.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I am impressed with your ability to get close enough to bat the eeb away!!! Spread your hand out - that's how big this one is. *Cries and cries and cries*

Hahahah. GAH.

[fitofpique.livejournal.com]

stoney, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! sorry i missed it but i was out of the office yesterday giving a workshop (*dies*) and then last night i felt like i got run over by a truck. but, as my gift, i will come over and relocate your spider to the porch of the neighbour you least like.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

THAT IS THE BEST GIFT EVER. You officially win. *hands you sceptre and crown* Thank you very much for the birthday wishes, as well!

A workshop? Did you rock the body 'shop with your mad skills? *climbs up your back like a monkey to hide from Evil Spider*

[elfgirl.livejournal.com]

Oh, Stoney and Mr. Stoney. It just wanted to give you a good morning kiss! ::MWAH::

::ducks and hides::

(In all seriousness, I love spiders, but those are a little freaky. I wouldn't have wanted it on me either. ::HUGS:: for both of you.)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*SMOOOOOOCH* Best way to wake up, for serious. :D

And I like spiders in theory! I like what they do, I think they are amazing creatures... I just don't want them hollowing out my eyes to turn my skull into a Holiday Inn/maternity ward! Heeeee.

[sweetumms33.livejournal.com]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Maybe the spider is trying to say it as well?

Oh who are we kidding, keep that creepy thing away from you, hopefully in neighbors yard. Aw, your poor husband, his new dress shirt. Spiders make me shudder, what eats them, you could get their natural predator, and then you wouldn't feel bad about killing it!

(I have no icon to suitably represent my grossed out/scaredness

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

That spider has no well wishes in its horrible neural tube, or whatever pases for a brain. It only has evil plans and eating in mind. *cries*

My husband just emailed me from work to check and see if we were all still alive. :D I emailed back: NO. THIS IS THE SPIDER. I WIN.

*clings!* And thank you for th eb-day wishes, too!

[samsom.livejournal.com]

OMG, it tried to eat your husband! I knew it. That spider can think, and holds a grudge!

*throws Stoney's plump little pets at spiderzilla and runs for the hills*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

IT DID!! It's like Angelus, taking out everyone I love to break me!

*cries* Whyfore did you sacrifice my fur babies to the evil? Let's steal the bad neighbor's Dobermans and shove THOSE in the way. It'll keep the neighborhood quieter... (hahahah)

[dangomango.livejournal.com]

See, this is why I don't believe that "they're just as scared of you" crap. Because I have tried the co-habitation thing, and then they go and build webs across your front door at FACE LEVEL or move into your BATHTUB and learn how to swim, omg. *has issues*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Okay, see?! YES. They are NOT INTERESTED in becoming BFFs, scrapbooking, sharing babysitting responsibilities... they just want to eat your face and lay eggs in your brain meat.

*hands you a shotgun, sits back to back for protection*

[soundingsea.livejournal.com]

*sympathy*

I have a Family of Evil Spiders making webs all over my tomato plants. Every time I walk out onto the balcony, I wave our swiffer mop around to make the world safe from webs. Bleh.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oooh, I actually know what you can do for your 'maters! Lay tin foil (shiny side up) under your tomato plants. The reflective heat will discourage spiders, aphids, etc.

That reminds me to go collect some tomatoes today before the mockig birds get them... Cover me. *slaps welding mask over face* I'm going out.

[entrenous88.livejournal.com]

OMG SPIDER!!!! Ack, I'm so sorry this spider has indeed turned out to be of the malevolent egg-laying-in-brains type, rather than the benign Charlotte's Web type (are you sure the web didn't read "Some Stoney!"?). Eeeeek, it's flung (flang? hee) into the neighbor's yard now? If they're dead next morning, you know what they say...expand your house into two lots, yay!

Okay, I'm just kidding. ABout the neighbors not being alive tomorrow. They'll probably just be brain-controlled by El Spidero Mysterioso! Beware your zombie neighbors, Ms. S.!

<3 <3 <3

*cracking up at your icon*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Okay, I am looking at the fallen web and it DOES say something...

*squints* S-t-o-n-e-y m-u-s-t d-i...

And then it trails off. What could it mean? *clings* Ahahaha, I will TEWTALLY keep an eye out for zombie, spider controlled neighbors, zomg!! *wraps skull in tin foil*

[crevette.livejournal.com]

Ha! I feel your pain while I laugh and whimper at the same time from a thousand miles and a large body of water away!

We had those exact same spiders build HOOOOOOGE webs across the front walk during the summer, from the maple tree to the shrubs in front of the house. Like about 15 or 20 feet. I AM NOT EXAGERATING.

It's like a drift net for bugs.

And they'd catch us. Oh, precious, they'd catch us. And I would scream and cry and dance and run and howl and flail and rock back and forth for HOURS afterwards.

Bastards.


::sobs in post traumatic stress disorder flashback::

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*cries*

I BELIEVE YOU. Dear god, I believe you. I fully expect at some point today to feel that ghostly, sticky net wrap itself with blinding speed around my head then feel a scuttling on my hair and then...

An explosion of babies from my frontal lobe. OH MY GOD, WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF?!?!? *builds a wall of bricks and steel to lock myself in*

[crevette.livejournal.com]

Btw, I can haz metaquotes plz?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha, go right on ahead! *continues wrapping body in foil and plaster*

[thebratqueen.livejournal.com]

OMG THAT IS EVIL!!!!

*saves you*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*rhesus monkeys up your back*

GET 'EM BRAT!!! *buries face in your hair* ZOMG, they are eeeeeeevil!

[a2zmom.livejournal.com]

It knows you're running scared and is planning its attack AS I TYPE. Since spiders suck blood (yup, they're actually vampires in bug form), it's planning to engulf you in its monstrously large web and take you to its hidey hole where it will slowly sip your blood.

And unlike Buffy, you won't even got off on it.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*BAWLS* I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!

I swear, I think that I must lead a resistance in the future against CyberDyne's robot-spider hybrids, and this one was sent back from the future to take me out!

(Ahahahahahaha - you're hilarious.)

[cherusha.livejournal.com]

How dare that spider! Ruining your special day?

If it comes back just squash it with a big shoe!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

UM, THAT WOULD REQUIRE GETTING CLOSE ENOUGH TO SQUASH IT! Which means that I would miss, and it would leap up and land in my cooter and hollow out my insides for its young!

*cries and cries* Can't someone drop some DDT on my house? Screw the birds! They're not helping me anyway!

[wickedgrdn.livejournal.com]

Happy Birthday, Stoney! :)

And my fear of spiders just tripled and quadrupled after seeing the pic you posted yesterday. *trembles in fear with you*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much! And seriously - try looking at the scary thing in RL! Wait.. I don't recommend that, actually! *hands you a weapon*

[elessil.livejournal.com]

EEEEEEEEEEEEK!

Let's hide under the covers together.

(no, for once, that isn't a come-on)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha, Awwww. Dangit. ;)

Here - you'll need a weapon. *hands you a mace and body armor*

[lilachigh.livejournal.com]

On the bright side, perhaps it’s really Spike who’s been turned into a spider by a nasty neighbour demon and is just trying to get your attention because if you kiss it, he’ll turn back into a beautiful blond vamire? No? Oh well, just a thought.

You see, if you’d told your flist this in the first place, you would have had a queue of people waiting to take care of it for you. Sighs.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's the bright side? Making out with a hell-beast?!?! (ahaha.)

Not even for Spike. Besides, he'd eat me just like the spider! (He wouldn't lay eggs in my brain though, there's the upside....) :D

[aimeelicious]

I spit coffee when I saw the macro...bought 300 last week and watched it during my weekend of oversexage. Hey, we had to stop sometime!

So sorry for your arachnid!DRAMA.

*comforts*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Ahahaha, I have an idea for one more, but it would involve making a spider horde, and my spirit can't take it. (Tonight we dine at L's!)

OMG, thank you for the support!! *hides in your closet* (Hahaha, weekend of oversexage. Best weekend, or best weekend EVER?)

[spartan5000.livejournal.com]

I really like spiders and actually grew up believing that a spider in the house is lucky. I have to admit though that I'd be a bit freaked finding something that big attached to my front door. Plus, I have a daughter who's spider-phobic. Somehow, I don't think the fastest way to rid yourself of Spider-zilla, making a huge net using a plastic trash bag, wire clotheshangers, duct tape and the rake, gracefully swooping up your monster and carrying it out to the countryside where it will be a happy and productive member of spider society, will work in your case, or your husband's, the dastardly coward.

The best way to get rid of Spider-zilla, as well as any large relatives or possible offspring from Spider-zilla's mating ritual, is to attract a lot of different birds to your yard. Put out a couple of birdbaths and maybe even a feeder and keep them well filled and sooner or later something big enough to eat Spider-zilla without being eaten first will see her and your problem will be solved. It may take awhile but it will work and it will take care of the problem going forward.

As an alternative, a friend would borrow her neighbor's outdoor kitty, poke a web with a stick - a very long stick - until the spider moved and caught the kitty's attention. My friend would then run for her house while kitty-nature took its course.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Haha, excellent advice! A little background on me, I'm a Master Gardener and one of the only people in my immediate neighborhood that has any pollinating plants and as a result, I have every single bug known to man living somewhere on my property. I tend to have a "don't bother me, I don't bother you" philosophy. :) We also have a nest for red-tailed hawks in one of our trees, scissor-tailed mosquito catchers that swoop at night, on and on...

Mostly, I'm just being humorous with these posts. It's a thing here. *g*

(And I'm a huge fan of Kitty power! My cat, Darthanne, is quite the serial killer. But this spider would cart her off in an instant, hahaha.)

[altyronsmaker.livejournal.com]

Oh please, can I tell you my story?? It simply confirms EVERYTHING you said about Spiders being malevolent creatures and my belief that they are indeed minions of the devil!

There I was, intrepid young dor-to-door solicitor of newspaper subscriptions. Came upon the dairy housing row just outside of our town. simple little housed meant for the dairy workers and their smallish families. They have little carports, right? So. One of these houses has 8 - yes. EIGHT - of those banana spiders living in its carport. I saw them, and avoided the carport like the plague - as I am deathly afraid of arachnids.

My solicitor partner and I engage the resident in the bountiful aspects of our paper and JUST ABOUT have him ready to sign on the dotted line, when he says TO ME: "You might wanna watch out."

buzzuh? He points above my head.

QUEEN BANANA SPIDER OF THE BANANA SPIDER LAND is VIBRATING IN HER WEB! Obviously ready to launch an attack on my head which is LITERALLY (heee) 10 inches away. Yes. She was going to attack me. How do I know this? Because the SECOND I ran away screaming, the vibrating stopped.

So, yes. FEAR them, for they are vicious and will KILL YOU and perferate your flesh with their clenching jaws to lay eggs in your meat suit! Gah.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

HO-LEE-POOP ON A CRACKER!! Oh my god, I would peel my skin off and burn it with a flame thrower. Yes, I would have died, but I would have taken them out with me. GAAAAAAH!!

My teen years of camping involved taking a long broom to the latrine to sweep away the walls of Daddy Long Legs before I was brave enough to hover over the hole, so to speak. One or two? Not a problem. But there would be HUNDREDS of them en masse, and my scalp is itching just with the remembering of it, AAAAAACK.

I know that this variety wants to hollow us out, lay eggs inside, then cause us to ambulate around town, writing hot checks. I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE.

[beadattitude.livejournal.com]

OMG!!

I would sing for you if I had your phone number. Do I have your phone number? NO! I do not!!

Lemme know when you come out from de bunker, baby.

I have the most happiest picture of Mr. S. throwing the rake and scuttling inside. I mean traumatic. Thata. ::hugs you and sends you more firepower::

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I need to get into my car to go to the store. Am I glad I have a sealed off garage connected to the house? Yes I am.

And dude - if I only thought to video him with that rake, it would have become a YouTube sensation, heeeeeee!

*takes firepower and sends request forms - in triplicate - for hand grenades and C-4*