More tales of stupid people

[stoney321]

So, the BFF moved to the panhandle of FLAHrida. And while I'm certainly not denigrating an entire state (some of my favorite flisters are Floridians, after all *Alpha shout-out*) there does seem to be a high concentration of WTFery in the backwoods of FL/GA.



1) we have the neighbor that prefers to blow up their trash with gasoline bombs - because it's easier to make a bomb, pile up your garbage up, and go for it than it is to drag a trashcan to the curb for pickup. (wtf.)
2) we have the lady who lived in a trailer (nothing wrong with that) but the trailer had no steps. It was up on jacks. But wait, there's more. (BFF found a random dog and was going from ranch to ranch trying to find the owner, because she's nice like that.) She knocks at the base of the door (again, up on jacks, so 4 feet up off the ground. No steps.) The door opens and some chick in cut offs (pockets hanging out) and SCORES of PHONE NUMBERS written in SHARPIE on her LEGS. Why? Who knows. Like, more than 80 phone numbers. Because... paper is hard to come by?
3) we have the meth'd out-looking chick staggering from the woods holding a massive revolver in one hand and a barking dog leashed with a clothesline in the other hand. She approaches BFF and her husband (in their car, slowing down to avoid hitting her) and she points at a big rattlesnake on the side of the road. "You see that? I done hit 'em with a STICK! He's comin' after my dog, so I done hit 'em with a stick!" all while waving the revolver around wildly. (I'll give you a few seconds to see what's wrong with that one.)
4) and my personal favorite, the hillbillies giggin' frogs in a flat bottomed boat floating down the river behind BFF's ranch. Water moccasins pretty much drip out of the trees there and build their nests in the exposed sides of creeks and rivers. Sure enough, a big one fell from an overhanging branch into the boat and one of the hillbillies grabbed his shotgun and shot at it. In the boat. The boat immediately started sinking, floating towards the side of the river where it was thick with the snakes. She heard him moan, "Oh, shit."

It's like this is where the Darwin Award winners go to die.

And now, we have tales of her at her new job, a gov't position. You'd think you'd be fine working in a gov't job, right? WRONG. We have co-workers who come to WORK, a JOB where they are PAID actual money, they come to work in pajama dresses and house shoes. Like, fuzzy, plastic coated (and padded) backless house slippers. Three of her coworkers!

Yesterday, a co-worker advised her to go online and look up sexual predators for their zip code because "you'd be surprised how many of us are married to them." !!!!!!!!!

She walks to the lunch room and sees one computer with a MUG SHOT of a guy as the desktop image. The lady says that's her husband, that's his mug shot from being arrested for MOLESTING A CHILD, but she "just thinks that's a really good picture of him."

His mug shot.

I-

That's not-

Well.

She's given herself a month and a half left before she reevaluates staying. I don't blame her. (And I'd leave sooner.)

Last dress rehearsal before filming is tonight. I love her stories because they are my inspiration for "Lynnette." Niiiiiiice. Also, I get the distinct feeling my left leg grew an inch in a week. Maybe I just need new running shoes... *scratches head*

Comments

[adnault.livejournal.com]

She's in Panama City isn't she?

Also it's not called the Redneck Riviera for nothin!

I live in the relatively civilized wang of the US thank you very much!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHAHA, not quite... She's on the Wet side of Tallahassee. (And to be fair, we go to the Redneck Riviera every summer for some fun beach time.)

Hee! The people watching is SUBLIME. :D

Re: Snakes in the Motherfucking Trees

[harmonyfb.livejournal.com]

When I was a child in Tennessee, I went to a summer camp where water moccasins often dropped out of the trees into our canoes. The key is to NOT PANIC. Dropping onto the hard metal bottom of a boat will have stunned the snake, so you can safely use your oar to scoop it out of the boat back into the water.

If you panic (like the goobers in the story above), you'll just capsize the boat, and then you'll be in the water along with the snake.

As concerns stupid redneck stories...ask me about the "Master of Sparks" sometime.

Hahahaha

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

We have w.m. pretty badly here, too, and that's what we were taught at camp as well. But... yeah. These guys shot their guns at the snake and blew a hole into their boat and immediately started sinking. D'oh!!

And I'm game: tell me about the Master of Sparks. :D

[petzipellepingo.livejournal.com]

"thanks the Almighty that I live in Michigan". We have crazies of course but not quite that level of crazy...

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Nah, I'm pretty sure you have them, too. *g* They just haven't done anything loud enough to draw outside attention. :D

[dangomango.livejournal.com]

Okay, I've gotta say that 1) sounds cool, but I'm a total pyro. The rest just make me giggle.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Well, I can see how 1 could be fun because hey, loud noises and flames! Except that the garbage flies up into the air (it's rotten) and lands in my BFF's yard. So.... *feh*

[kwizbit.livejournal.com]

um... um.. WOW *points to icon*

I used to camp in trailers all the time. Sometimes the steps break off (O_o I know).. Anyways, there are definitely places you can get make-shift steps for it (we had some), it doesn't cost that much, I promise. Phone numbers on her LEGS?? wtf?

Omg, the WM shooting scene sounds like something out of a movie. Gun shot + boat = you'reabouttosinkveryquickly, d'oh!

I wish I could wear PJ's to work... O_o


... Tell her to move... fast!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hahaha, it may have broken off (the steps) but most likely it was just a mobile home and she didn't want to pony up the extra cash for steps. *g*

And she wants to move desperately (even though they have a gorgeous ranch with tons of room for their horses) but her husband is a professor as FSU, so... *shrugs* They're stuck for a few years.

[pernickety.livejournal.com]

one of the hillbillies grabbed his shotgun and shot at it. In the boat.

I don't know what I get less a)shooting through the bottom of the boat you're in or b)why they have shotguns in the first place. ... Though possibly I should shut up now, because I just remembered that my grandpa had a scar on his leg from the time they went poaching and his buddy mistook him for deer.

Will we get a picture of you dressed up at Lynnette? Pleeeease?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh, well you never know when you're going to need to shoot someone an alligator, so better bring a gun! o_0

And when I get a picture to share, definitely!! It's HILARIOUS.

[herself_nyc]

Oh dear God.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Seriously! We just marvel every time a new story crops up.

(Um... your icon is DELICIOUS. I'm very much enjoying Mad Men.)

[mpoetess.livejournal.com]

*hides the fact that I write notes on my hands at work to remember things*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Dude. We ALL do that. This person was using her legs as an address book!! BFF guessed there were well over 80 numbers doodled on her legs. IN SHARPIE.

[leighm.livejournal.com]

I can't process that story. Omg. lol. To think people really exist that do stupid shit like that.

I have some of that around me (living in the country, rural TN, HELLO) but not to that extreme.

This is amusing to say the least:D

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh my gosh, I'm STILL wrapping my brain around having your husband's molestation arrest mug shot as your SCREEN SAVER.

People are SO WEIRD. :D

[xochitl42.livejournal.com]

Re: BFF in FLA.

I think it's high time a ninja-van-kidnapping-rescue was organized.

I have a friend whose in-laws are from this region, and her stories about them all orbit around the same galactic black hole of "behavior of the kind that if we made it up, we'd be slammed by 15 different anti-defamation leagues, minimum."

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I WISH I COULD KIDNAP HER. She's a desert girl and wants to go back west, but unfortunately, her husband is an academic and there's not a lot of financial support/schools in the desert. =/

And I told her after the shock wore off that she was living in a Jenny Jones episode. :D

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Get out while you can. (I kid. The Dirrrty is bad ass.)

[lynnenne]

LOL! This is awesome. She should stay there and write a book.

Awww, they named your character after me! If I wore shoes with 5-inch plastic see-through heels. *g*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I've been telling her the same thing!!

You SHOULD wear plastic-see-through heels - they're shockingly comfy. Heee!

[a2zmom.livejournal.com]

My only explanation is that giant flying cockroaches suck your brain power. So I'm never moving there.

Maybe phone number girl was mistaken for a toilet stall wall by a bunch of drunk guys? You sure you didn't see "For a good time" written on her ass?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Could be, could be... And unless you can buy a huge ranch and a helicopter to fly to the culture, I don't see the need to live there, either. (Although the beaches are FABULOUS.)

I really think the chick runs a meth lab, and those are her contacts or something. It just makes no SENSE! And hahahahahahaha to "f a g t" on her ass, HEEEE! Maybe she has those disposable phones, so she writes the new number down every time she gets a new one?

[anelith.livejournal.com]

But this is bestseller quality stuff, Laura! It's no wonder that Carl Hiassen and Dave Barry are rolling in dough, right?

Yowza. Do other countries have their Floridas, I wonder? You know, the place where crazy people go to live?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

She really should write a book, I've been trying to convince her of it for a year, now. :D

That's a good question. I'm pretty sure "Austria" is the "Florida" of Germany... That makes sense in my head. *g* I knowt hat Mr. S has some great stories about Hungary, nude elderly men, and elephantine balls. Hahahahaha!

[copykween.livejournal.com]

I've heard of burning garbage, but blowing it up? *confused head tilt* THAT'S a new one.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Yeah, burning garbage (which... rotten food, etc. burning = ew face) seems far more reasonable than turning your back yard into some crazy war-zone!

[almlore.livejournal.com]

I almost too stunned to form a complete--whaaa?

A really GOOD picture of him?

A.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I MEAN...

I KNOW!! What on EARTH, people!!

[brunettepet.livejournal.com]

"It's like this is where the Darwin Award winners go to die." You wish! This is where Darwin Award winners go to BREED!

"She walks to the lunch room and sees one computer with a MUG SHOT of a guy as the desktop image. The lady says that's her husband, that's his mug shot from being arrested for MOLESTING A CHILD, but she "just thinks that's a really good picture of him." WTF???? There are really no words for the wrong in that paragraph.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I seriously thought my friend was putting me on for a few minutes when she told me. These people can't be real?! But apparently: THEY ARE.

[moosesal.livejournal.com]

Wow. Sounds like some of my relatives. Nice.

Also -- #2 could totally be inspiration for you. I saw the mention of the pockets and said "Britney shorts!!". Go git yer marker, babe.

[altyronsmaker.livejournal.com]

*hangs head in utter shame*

I know some of those people. I swear I do. 'Specially the chick in the jacked up trailer with the phone numbers on her thigh. I swear I worked with her.....

man.
*hides*

[slackerace.livejournal.com]

Panhandle = armpit

[semby.livejournal.com]

OH. MY. GOD. So much crazy, I cannot even fathom!

[trinfaneb.livejournal.com]

The above type stories are the reason Fark.com has a special tag for "Florida." Of course growing up in South Georgia, I've seen and done my fair share of redneck stuff. You haven't experienced life until you've been in the back of pick-up truck as its bouncing at high speed down a dirt road and suddenly discover a live rattlesnake in a flimsy plastic jar is bouncing around with you.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh, man, I haven't been to Fark in a while, thanks for the reminder! And you know, I grew up with country relations, too. Simple people with loads of fun outdoors, like playing in the basket of a neighbor's front-end loader as he raised us up and down. Uh... while driving in circles.

But the shooting the bottom of the boat story... that's one of my faves.