More Tales Of Stupid People!
Oct. 12th, 2007 08:26 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stoney321Okay, it's gotten UUUUUUGLY around here, what with all the idjits and the racism and Rush Limbaugh/Ann Coulter "facts" (hint: Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter are liars. Did you know?) So how about we move into the realm of people so dumb, so witless, that you can't help but laugh and be pleased that you may be something, but you're not this stupid. YAY!
And remember: there's a reason why Florida has its own tag at FARK. (stories collected by the BFF)
1. A co-worker of the BFF (who works for a private firm that does nothing but gov't work - I'll let that sink in slowly) was arrested Wednesday for "armed robbery." 'Scuse, ATTEMPTED "armed robbery." (The quotation marks are important.)
a) he tried robbing a THEATER BOX OFFICE (get a visual, it's important)
b) and he used - not a gun - but NUN CHUCKS.
...
He jabbed the end of a wooden handle through the little slot that cards/tickets come through. And demanded all their money. NUN CHUCKS.
2. Her manager came into the office on Saturday to catch up on some paperwork - no one should have been there. He heard weird noises, and moved towards the nest of cubicles to investigate. A midget/little person (I know little person is preferred, but that is the word that sounds offensive to my ears, ack) popped up, clearly drunk/altered. He started ranting and raving for water. The manager pointed him to a water fountain. The person couldn't reach the fountain, so the manager had to pick him up and hold him to the water stream. ...this drunken, altered, raving stranger that broke in. !!!
3. Hallowe'en, a few years ago. One office worker, who has a beard and longish hair, dressed up as Socrates in a toga. The CEO walked into the hallway, saw a brown-haired (blue eyed *cough*) man in a toga, and believed Jesus the Christ was visiting him, presenting him with a vision.
...while taking care of some filing.
"And lo, the Alpha and the Omega didst continue his scroll organizing, never ceasing. And Peter doth asked, Lord, why dost thou sort them so? And the Lord spake unto him, saying, "For McK dost come before McL and divers other Mc names. And I tell you, Peter, that there are other flocks than these, and they shall hath a tool that will drive a small spear through parchment, holding it together, and it shall be called Stapler, and it will be glorious in mine sight." Book of Caucasians, 4:28.* not an actual book in the Bible.
4. A fellow co-worker who ROUTINELY got drunk every day after lunch and curled up under his desk for a nap. (Every. Day.) He was not fired for this. What he was fired for was getting drunk and DANCING on top of his desk. Because he could destroy company property. (But being drunk and napping on salary is acceptable.) Two months later he was arrested for fatally stabbing his roommate. Moral of the story: let the potential murderer dance on his friggin' desk. Or you know... lock him up. *scale hands*)
5. (and my personal favorite) One of her co-workers became convinced that he was possessed by demons, and it was affecting his work. (I mean, naturally, right? Demons aren't known for their time management skills.) He then proceeded to TELL THE CEO that he was a) possessed by demons and that b) it was hurting his performance in the office, and c) he required AN EXORCISM. (As one would.)
The CEO (and I imagine him sitting in his chair, fingers steepled under his chin) nodded and AGREED. Not only that, but the COMPANY PAID FOR IT.
...
I would pay dearly for the chance to see that requisitions form go through HR. Or to work in an office where Voo Doo falls under their covered health care plan. GOOD HELL.
Shoo wee. Feel better? I sure do. Have a fabulous weekend and remember, kids: we're all on this rock together. Play nice or maybe someone won't play nice back.
(Oh, whoops! I meant to ask if anyone else is having issues getting the new Radiohead DL? I can NOT get that site to work - it just hangs on me every time. BAH! I'm very much enjoying the few songs I've heard and I'm itching for the whole thing, dammit!!)
And remember: there's a reason why Florida has its own tag at FARK. (stories collected by the BFF)
1. A co-worker of the BFF (who works for a private firm that does nothing but gov't work - I'll let that sink in slowly) was arrested Wednesday for "armed robbery." 'Scuse, ATTEMPTED "armed robbery." (The quotation marks are important.)
a) he tried robbing a THEATER BOX OFFICE (get a visual, it's important)
b) and he used - not a gun - but NUN CHUCKS.
...
He jabbed the end of a wooden handle through the little slot that cards/tickets come through. And demanded all their money. NUN CHUCKS.
2. Her manager came into the office on Saturday to catch up on some paperwork - no one should have been there. He heard weird noises, and moved towards the nest of cubicles to investigate. A midget/little person (I know little person is preferred, but that is the word that sounds offensive to my ears, ack) popped up, clearly drunk/altered. He started ranting and raving for water. The manager pointed him to a water fountain. The person couldn't reach the fountain, so the manager had to pick him up and hold him to the water stream. ...this drunken, altered, raving stranger that broke in. !!!
3. Hallowe'en, a few years ago. One office worker, who has a beard and longish hair, dressed up as Socrates in a toga. The CEO walked into the hallway, saw a brown-haired (blue eyed *cough*) man in a toga, and believed Jesus the Christ was visiting him, presenting him with a vision.
...while taking care of some filing.
"And lo, the Alpha and the Omega didst continue his scroll organizing, never ceasing. And Peter doth asked, Lord, why dost thou sort them so? And the Lord spake unto him, saying, "For McK dost come before McL and divers other Mc names. And I tell you, Peter, that there are other flocks than these, and they shall hath a tool that will drive a small spear through parchment, holding it together, and it shall be called Stapler, and it will be glorious in mine sight." Book of Caucasians, 4:28.* not an actual book in the Bible.
4. A fellow co-worker who ROUTINELY got drunk every day after lunch and curled up under his desk for a nap. (Every. Day.) He was not fired for this. What he was fired for was getting drunk and DANCING on top of his desk. Because he could destroy company property. (But being drunk and napping on salary is acceptable.) Two months later he was arrested for fatally stabbing his roommate. Moral of the story: let the potential murderer dance on his friggin' desk. Or you know... lock him up. *scale hands*)
5. (and my personal favorite) One of her co-workers became convinced that he was possessed by demons, and it was affecting his work. (I mean, naturally, right? Demons aren't known for their time management skills.) He then proceeded to TELL THE CEO that he was a) possessed by demons and that b) it was hurting his performance in the office, and c) he required AN EXORCISM. (As one would.)
The CEO (and I imagine him sitting in his chair, fingers steepled under his chin) nodded and AGREED. Not only that, but the COMPANY PAID FOR IT.
...
I would pay dearly for the chance to see that requisitions form go through HR. Or to work in an office where Voo Doo falls under their covered health care plan. GOOD HELL.
Shoo wee. Feel better? I sure do. Have a fabulous weekend and remember, kids: we're all on this rock together. Play nice or maybe someone won't play nice back.
(Oh, whoops! I meant to ask if anyone else is having issues getting the new Radiohead DL? I can NOT get that site to work - it just hangs on me every time. BAH! I'm very much enjoying the few songs I've heard and I'm itching for the whole thing, dammit!!)
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no subject
Date: 2007-10-12 01:33 pm (UTC)Your stories just get craaazier!
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Date: 2007-10-12 01:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-12 01:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-12 01:38 pm (UTC)TO WORK.
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Date: 2007-10-12 02:07 pm (UTC)Thanks so much, hun.
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Date: 2007-10-12 02:14 pm (UTC)I guess that would make Texas the balls or something and California the asshole?
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Date: 2007-10-12 02:25 pm (UTC)Ow!Ow!Ow!Ow!
The Book of Caucasians needs to be filmed and shown every Christmas.
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Date: 2007-10-12 02:47 pm (UTC)And lo, the Alpha and the Omega didst continue his scroll organizing, never ceasing.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I am eternally grateful for your brain.
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Date: 2007-10-12 02:52 pm (UTC)I? Am never moving to Florida. Dear god.
You are awesome. These totally have made my morning.
Oooo, I should get RadioHead. Maybe next week, when I has money.
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Date: 2007-10-12 03:21 pm (UTC)God, I *love* the one about the exorcism... The company PAID for it!!!
*falls about laughing*
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Date: 2007-10-12 04:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-12 04:23 pm (UTC)Also duh, Stoney, OF COURSE Jesus has blue eyes. (D'you know, my old stake president who is Richard G Scott's brother told me in my college interview that he was pretty sure Jesus had red hair? I don't know why I just remembered that, but HAHAHA. Carrot Top Jesus!)
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Date: 2007-10-12 05:46 pm (UTC)Reality has jumped the shark.
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Date: 2007-10-12 05:48 pm (UTC)[ /Californian ]
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Date: 2007-10-12 05:54 pm (UTC)He then proceeded to TELL THE CEO that he was a) possessed by demons and that b) it was hurting his performance in the office, and c) he required AN EXORCISM. (As one would.)
I'm totally going to try that at my job. All the entertaining and hilarious people are gone, so now I have to make my own fun.
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Date: 2007-10-12 05:54 pm (UTC)COMPANY-PAID EXORCISM. !!!
I wish the show Maximum Bob (http://imdb.com/title/tt0138976/) was still on (or revived) ... they'd never run out of material!
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Date: 2007-10-12 05:57 pm (UTC)In all seriousness... The stuff that hits the big times news about both states makes us look like TOTAL NUTJOBS
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Date: 2007-10-12 06:27 pm (UTC)Hee, I just woke up from a nap, and most of this entry was me going, "Your BFF works at such a strange office..."
*re-reads*
Oh, wait.
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Date: 2007-10-12 06:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-12 06:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-12 07:43 pm (UTC)BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
And now, I shall weep for the state of some of the humanity in this nation, and on this earth.
(Though I think the funniest thing is your quote from the Book of Caucasians.)
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Date: 2007-10-12 08:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-12 08:47 pm (UTC)Hahaha, the NUN CHUCKS. Talk about the worst thief ever...
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Date: 2007-10-12 08:49 pm (UTC)*waits for the fire and brimstone from the generalization*
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Date: 2007-10-12 08:50 pm (UTC)*g*