stoney321 | Let's all face the upcoming holiday season with some Bad!fic, shall we?

I love the lengths people go to in order to avoid saying the names of body parts. Like these!

The beast secreted an incredible masculine musk, born of both anger and arousal. He could smell Sarah's tiny human wet-hole beneath her clothing, and he wanted her as badly as he wanted to kill the Goblin King.

Now, I just have a Biology degree, so clearly I could be wrong, but the human body has... several "wet-holes." Can we narrow it down to a region? Or better yet, let's not use that term again?

Non-sexy sex terms:

massive monster penis emerged from its warty sheath
his rib cage smashed by the monstrous phallus
acidic precum
lumpy tip
His true loves were immune to the destroying power of his jizzum -- that was his magic. (OH MY GOD!!!! His magic!)

(That, uh... all came from TWO CONSECUTIVE SENTENCES. The author apparently has a novel "due out" in 07. Double you tea EFF, people)

More unsexy terms:

The older fellow's buttocks gleamed wetly with soap (I'm flashing to Sex in the City - he had the ass of an 80 year old man. FLEH.)

Schillinger's snowflake-white cock had begun to swell....It blushed with his scarlet Aryan blood, swiftly becoming the same bold crimson as the Nazi flag. IF I MAY BE SO BOLD here. I'm fairly certain NO NAZI blushed. Why the hell- What on earth is she- GAH. (Oh, OH!! And then she goes on to talk about a "feral Mexican in heat" and I want to smash things. Ay yi yi.)

their asscheeks clapping as they galloped like free wild stallions AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay, I no longer want to kill her, because this is so damn funny... she has to live with this, you know? HEE!! FREE WILD STALLIONS!! (I think she's been reading Stallioncrest...)

their stiff manmeat acting as conductors' batons My father is a choirmaster. I'm having difficulty with this imagery. *cringe* Oooh, I wonder if they're conducting in the very difficult 3+2+3/8ths time, a la Bartók? Probably not.

a fucknest

Okay, this bitch is seriously racist (I'm stopping here) and I'm actually getting pissed for the first time EVER reading bad!fic. We're ignoring her (I've left her a comment of the WTF, Ese? Chinga tu madre! variety.) Yes, it's fic from the show OZ, but that sort of language is JUST NOT NEEDED. (No, I won't link you, it'll just get your blood pressure up. Let's just make fun of her horribleness here, shall we? FEH.)

BACK TO THE FUNNY, PRONTO.

The best (worst) euphemism for vaginal entrance I've yet to encounter (and that's saying something!)

pleading pouting gate of her vagina

Pouting!! I like to think of my pleading puss as petulant. "Wah, I want penis!" Also, I'm a big fan of alliteration. The prosopopeia of her protuberant pouch (pulchritudinous though the pudgy pucker may be) pulls on my puny, pyretic projection. FOR THE WIN. *pats self on back*

Quick runners up:

constricted, battered hole It's the contradictory nature here that pleases me. I like conundrums.
contracting crease CREASE. Crease. Like a skin fold! A deeeeeeeep skin fold that can hold a baby inside! (Okay, that's gross. I apologize.)

Okay, in a disturbing (and, I'm afraid, a Mary Sue) fic about a college girl who straps dildoes to her teddy bears and meets a 40 year old woman, "Patty" who is married and teaches our heroine some "kinky things" that still don't allow Mary Sue to climax, until Mary Sue gets a degree in zoology.

THAT WAS YOUR WARNING, WEAK OF STOMACH AND FAINT OF HEART.

She goes to work on a Panda project, that required that she masturbate a male panda every few hours. Enter the new lover: TING. (I'm surprised it's not Ting-Ting.) His appeal, aside from being a REAL LIVE PANDA, was his "gamey scent." My nostrils are squeezed tight right now. BLERGH.

Ting was herded into the pen to be masturbated in the name of science (she jerked me off with science, tee doo doo! She jerked me off...with science! Science! Science!)

We have:

a spiky penis
kneeling next to his "flanks"
her dousing her hands with KY, because she couldn't stand the thought of "hurting" him
And, of course, she fondles his balls (for his pleasure. Ting's pleasure. TING.)
"She always knew she had been fond of bears, but not like this." (Like, the dido banging of your Teddy bear wasn't a clue? Wah?)
she then fantasizes about running hand in hand (cough) with Ting in the Asian jungle, then lying on the leaf fronds to cool off.

When she finally orgasms, "She felt like she had pissed in a light socket" AHAHAHAHA!! Oh, that's what I've been trying to put my finger on! It feels like pissing on the third rail, YES.

She goes back to the lab to do MORE than just jack him off for science (tee too doo!) and "Jane spent hours doing her make-up. She wanted to look especially good for Ting. " I hope she painted her nails Opi's "Koala Bear-y" or would Ting find that offensive? (Is there a long standing rivalry between Pandas and Koalas mating with their research leaders? I guess I'm just not up on my zoo romances...)

Ting gave her a funny look as she removed her coat and stood naked before him When even the bear is giving you weird looks, you've gone too far, madam!!

Ting's cock was long and thin NO ME GUSTA!!! Because let's face it ladies: we all like a pencil dick. [Insert chopstick joke here.]

And please, if someone could play a few notes on a reed flute while we all read the ending paragraph (a la "Kung Fu") that would be super.

No one knew what happened to Jane or Ting, it seemed that they both just disappeared. None of the lab staff could conceive of how she had gotten him out, but it was assuredly her who had spirited him off. No trace of them was ever found, but it can be safely assumed that wherever they are she is sliding down on his cock, as he wraps his arms gently around her.

Now I can't stop singing "Sexual Harrasment Panda."

I'll end this with some of the WORST (read: hilarious) pr0n titles ever.

Vagina Slimes (Virginia Slims. Ahaha. Heh. Boo.)

Let's Play Stain the Couch

Yo Quiero Taco Smells

I'm a Brown Shit-Holed Whore (okay, I freaking love this title)

Blowin' in Her Colon

Big Trouble in Little Vagina (if there's the lamp-shade basket electric man in this porno, I'm SO THERE.)

Moulin Splooge (just what was missing from the original)

She's Not A Lesbian - She's a Vagitarian (I really really love this, even though it's SUCH A GROANER. Because I'm a 12 year old boy, evidently)

Anal Chriopractor

Dead Men Don't Wear Rubber (cringe)

Your Quim is My Gym (...quim. G'day, Gov'nor! Can you spare a ha'penny fer me mam and I? She'll flash you 'er quim, she will! Shine yer shoes right proper wif it, too!)

The Fat, The Bald, and The Ugly (dude, I don't know about you, but I. Am. HOT. now)

Anal Fireball (you're doing it wrong.)

Sirloin Tits (what?!)

Shrimpin' Lobster Sauce (now I'm just hungry, not horny)

My Brown Eye: Not the Winker, The Stinker

Amber the Lesbian Queefer (let's pray this doesn't come in Smell-o-Vision)

Onion Planet (what!? Is there a new term I'm not familiar with?!)

Watch Me Camp Bitch! (I don't understand.)

Backdoor Lambada (the TRUE forbidden dance...)

Pumpin' The Po Po (Okay, this is the most ghetto-fabulous title ever, dun lye.)

What's the Lesbian Doing In My Pirate Movie? (You got your pirate in my lesbian! You got your lesbian in my pirate! Two great tastes that taste great together!)