Religion rant, and a question for you

[stoney321]

So, most of you know that I'm writing about growing up in the Mormon church, both for NaNoWriMo and potential publication. In researching data to bolster my memories, etc. I came across one of the most bizarre things ever as "proof that the Book of Mormon" is historically, archaeologically, geographically, language-ography (is there a word for a language being an actual language?) truthful.

(For the record: no it isn't. Um, it's been shown time and again to be made up, those civilizations didn't exist, the purported language used is an amalgam of multiple other languages, and on and on. Also? Native American DNA isn't related IN ANY WAY to the Jews. Uh... that's what they believe. *cough*)



So, for those familiar with the story, a young man named Joseph was visited at night once a year for four years, instructed on his new lot in life as translator for "A New Testament of Jesus Christ," aka the Book of Mormon. In upstate New York, Joseph dug into a hill (Cumorah) and pulled out of a reinforced box - built into the hillside - a "book" made of gold plates. This book would be translated *cough* and become the 531 pages describing in excruciating detail of the mysterious and ancient people (this is the ONLY record of their "existence," mind) of the Americas. 531 paper pages are heavy enough, but these were on GOLD. PLATES. Lately, I've seen reference to this being changed from gold to a tin/copper alloy. <-- a world of what the fuck? This is 600BC. Tin and copper alloy.

But that's not the crazy stuff. The craziness is this - that those golden (possibly tin/copper alloy) plates were bound (and this is the important part!) with D-RINGS. Which shows that truly, God works in mysterious ways, for he made the Jewish Indians (of which there is but one record that no one has EVER laid eyes on and God took back to heaven with him) the original inventors of... a holy Trapper Keeper.


Yea verily! Behold the ribbed metal prongs - made cleverly of a tin/copper alloy that lo, wast smelted in vast pottery containers. Clear your hearts and fingers, for when the mighty d-rings snap closed, and yea verily I do sayeth unto you that thou wilt be caught unawares and feel a mighty pinch upon your flesh, and the flesh of your fathers if they do stand near unto you, for I am mighty and have giveth unto this, my Lost Tribe, the power and keeping of the Trapper, until time doth end and the judgment begins.

And divers others shall come forth with their circular binders, their copper-tin alloy that doth split in twain once it hast been threaded through a hole, and folded back not unlike the palm fronds to split apart with a high wind. But these are not welcome in my sight, for they were not brought forth unto the multitudes by my Jewish Indian engineers. Of which there is but one record, and I, the Lord your God, am sorry to sayeth that thou are filthy in thine soul, not unlike the swine and the swineherd who does tend the swine, and thou canst see it never. Nyaheth nyaheth nyaeth. I am the Alpha and the Omega of Mead.

~The Second Book of Caucasians 15: 2-3


This guy goes on to show that there were patents given 10 whole years after Joseph dug up and translated the book, which... what's his point? That Joseph should have been given the patent? The Jewish Indians should have? Because if it's the first, I will be SO HAPPY, because that means JOSEPH invented them (and they weren't found, ahem) and that just strengthens the whole "uh... you believe WHAT?" side of the argument. What I get from his going on about patents being awarded "after the fact" is that LOTS of people had that same idea for D-rings to bind paper. It's highly plausible that a guy visiting printing offices routinely would be exposed to PAPER BINDING ITEMS. Also: everyone awarded a patent for versions of the D-ring were in the PRINTING BUSINESS.

...it's not just me, right? You can see this, too? Or are you getting something else from his nattering on about patents? (Also, it takes FOR.EV.ER. for patents to go through, especially back then. Also, all the patents from July 1790 to July 1836 issued from the main building - it used to be ONE person that handled the nation's patents - were destroyed by fire. So people had to resubmit their patents. A lot of them were never recovered/resubmitted and are called the X-Patents.)

Finally: OCCAM'S RAZOR, PEOPLE. (The simplest answer is usually correct.) This is a lot of dancing and a lot of rig-a-morole to just say that you're justified in believing some wackadoo crap. And for the record: I used to believe WHOLE HEARTEDLY in this crap. And then I got smart. Yay, me! Wow. D-RING BINDERS!!! The hell?

Comments

[elisi]

*points to icon*

[herself_nyc]

I'm so glad you were able to figure out how nonsensical this all is.

[soundingsea.livejournal.com]

Religion is not only freaky, but it's obsessed with pointless details. Gah.

OCCAM'S RAZOR. FTW.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

language-ography (is there a word for a language being an actual language?)

Linguistically?

a world of what the fuck? This is 600BC. Tin and copper alloy.

Tin/copper alloy = bronze. Been around since 4000 BC or so. ;-)

Apart from that, very interesting (in a WTF way) indeed. D-rings? Jewish Indians?

OCCAM'S RAZOR, PEOPLE.

I really wish they would hang THAT on every classroom and courtroom wall. And I'm really looking forward to that book of yours.

[dovil.livejournal.com]

People generally don't look outside at the context of what gets handed down to them, they look at the source and if it's an authority figure that they've hitched their wagon to all thinking and questioning stops. Which is why I'm going to invent a religion and wear spiffy suits, or long flowing robes haven't quite decided, and look authorative and make up whatever comes into my head PUT THERE BY GOD! DA DA DUMMMM!

Conclusion: people are stupid.

[domenowtrent.livejournal.com]

Brother Merrill, my Book of Mormon professor at BYU, was telling us that some Mormon (a historian) was having a fit because the Nephites wore lambs wool, or something, and sheep were not intriduced to the area until such and such time and Brother Merrill looked us all in the eye (it was quiet for like 20 minutes because there were 150 of us in class) and said, "This man has lost his faith. Had he kept his faith, he would disregard what he'd been told by the temporal world." Meaning, "So what if hundreds of historians, archeologist, and anthropologists think the BoM is bologna? The BoM says SHEEPS skin, and therefore it MEANS it, gosh darnnit."

That was my first semester at BYU. And that was my first solid indication that something was very VERY wrong with my life. The second indication was when Brother Merrill said it didn't matter who you married, as long as it was in the temple because in the Celestial Kingdom you can repick your eternal spouses anyway and everything we learned from Primary and Saturday's Warrior was bull.

[altyronsmaker.livejournal.com]

language-ography (is there a word for a language being an actual language?)

Umm, someone mentioned "linguistically" but I also put forth "etymologically."

I've never understood the Mormon religion. I've talked to Mormon people, read the Book of Mormon (my brother, in one of his drug induced curiosities ordered it from the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints) and a couple other publications that tried to explain what the Mormons believed. I just...didn't get it.

Then I read The God Makers and thought, "Okay. Crazy people got together and created a religion based on the precepts laid down by Masons?" Freaky.

*shrug*

[tabaqui]

Wheeeeeeeee! A religion that worships school supplies! Perfect.
Yeesh.

[jerusha]

Nothing Mormons believe makes sense. So, this is not surprising to me.

[pernickety.livejournal.com]

I so badly want someone to make a D-ring bound 531 gold (or tin/copper alloy) plates trapper keeper. It could work. And it would be awesome.

[darlas-mom.livejournal.com]

Okay, wait, wait, wait, Stoney. Walk me through it again. Mormonism is real because God invented the Trapper Keeper?

Somebody's confused, and I'm honestly not sure who.

[a2zmom.livejournal.com]

You know, it makes sense to me. Think how much more practical it would have been if the ten commandments had been written on lined paper and brought down from the mount in a looseleaf binder. That way, if G-d later on found another commandment, no problem. Pop open the rings and slip it in! No fuss, no muss.

I give Mormons points for creative thinking.

And I am disappointed that you don't think I'm related to Native Americans. I was planning to claim that I am, in fact, The Last of the Mohicans. (Also, tap into that casino money. Damn.)

[killerweasel.livejournal.com]

O_o


Oh, I saw this clip from Sweeney Todd (http://www.iesb.net/index.php?option=com_seyret&Itemid=227&task=videodirectlink&id=194) and thought of you.

[maevebran.livejournal.com]

That just goes to show what I've always thought- LDS is remarkably like LSD. The LDS may induce hulicinations and strange trips.

*hugs* So glad you got smart.=)

[anelith.livejournal.com]

You know, there just is no *end* to the depths of people's stupidity when inspired by religion...

If you'd like to see another example of such stupidity, check out this one. I've been reading John Scalzi's blog for a while now. He's a science fiction writer but even if you don't read his books (which to date I have not -- I plan to fix that soon) he's a great blog writer. His readers begged him to visit the Creation Museum which is close to his home. I assume you're familiar with the Creation Museum? A museum dedicated to the proposition that the Earth was, in fact, created just as described in Genesis? Well, Scalzi went there and came back with a photographic report, filled with delicious snark. I learned things from his report that stunned me. Such as, thorns did not exist until Adam's fall from grace. Did you know that? If not, file it away under Facts From the Crazy Zone.

[violethamster.livejournal.com]

the power and keeping of the Trapper lol. I can only envision this as being covered with sparkly unicorn stickers and "I ♥ Simon LeBon" written all over it.

I greatly enjoy your translation of the Book of Mormon. You should write your own version, and when people get pissy about it all you'd have to do is accuse them of being heretics or something.

A couple of Mormons creeped me right out about a month or so ago. Two guys who were clean-cut and attractive much in the plasticy way that Stepford Wives are appeared on my doorstep, pitch black outside and I'm off the main road so I don't even know how they realized there was a house here, and politely but persistently harassed me to let them come in the house and let them steal my soul and turn me into a robot. I'm paraphrasing a little. Then the next morning I noticed dress shoe footprints in the flowerbeds in front of a couple of my windows. o_O

[demonqueen666.livejournal.com]

...ancient trapper-keeper. Of GOLD (or bronze...hey, why not silver, while you're at it?? What did silver ever do to you? WHY YOU GOTTA BE LIKE THAT?)

On a related note, I'm thinking about asking for this (http://www.amazon.com/Escape-Carolyn-Jessop/dp/0767927567/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1196220790&sr=8-1) for Christmas. I dunno. It looks like it might be an interesting read.

[showmewrtr.livejournal.com]

Having been to Mormon Sunday School (Grandma and my aunt are Mormon)I have to say I found this profoundly amusing. (Personally I'm a baptized catholic - raised mormon - discovered wicca/witchcraft - baptized Jehovah's Witness hooray for brainwashing - then back to being wicca/witchccraft at age of 18 and never looked back). We visited the temple in Navoo (I think that's how it's spelled), IL because gran wanted to see the new one. I laughed my ass off inside at the inverted masonic-looking pentacles all around the top of the temple. Though gorgeous artwork inside.

Holy trapper keepers. *giggles* Makes me long for the 80's all over again. *giggles some more*

I will also say that Mitt Romney doesn't sound like any Mormon I know.

[entrenous88.livejournal.com]

Mmmmmm, stationary-based religion! But who invented the hole-punch? Because I want to follow that there prophet, yo.

<3 <3 <3

ILU, STONEY!

[fannishliss.livejournal.com]

Hi, This is a pretty interesting post. I really feel that the Book of Mormon is the weakest part of the whole LDS church. I have a copy on my shelf, but I can't even read it. When the young Missionaries show up at my door, I have to think, why don't you just push the teaching of Jesus (Jesus was pretty cool if you look at what he actually said) if you want to push something... But the book of Mormon just won't cut it. I know a lot of church-going LDS types who are great people; for example, I had to run a used book sale where we turned around like 25000 books, and a couple of missionary girls came and helped us sort. They didn't have to do that, but they were interested in volunteering wherever they could. Where does "wholesomeness" and "a strong value system" cut out and become "a way to socially control you"? I hope you talk about that in your book.... The LDS Church is very conservative, the folks are numerous -- they are nice folks, but they will vote as conservatives, and those of us on the Happy Gay Internet Porn side need to think this through! If we run into missionaries, should we try converting them back? How did you "get smart"? What do your family say?

[luna-k.livejournal.com]

Hey there... I've recently been getting visited by Mormon missionaries - I was stupid enough to let them into my house and now they won't leave me alone OMG. I've been talking about my experience getting visited by them and claudia79ad recommended I check out your "Mormon" tag for the LOLz. You have a lot of interesting things to say!

I've been very impressed at how dedicated, nice and polite the Mormon missionaries are, as well as how they have such great family & community ties. If only their religion wasn't so batshit fucking insane and completely unbelievable. I mean seriously, gold plates that we have no evidence of now? Seeing stones, which we also have no evidence of? But most of all, the whole thing with the Native Americans being the lost tribe of Israel - despite all the DNA evidence that this is complete bullshit, Mormons still steadfastly refuse to see the reality of the situation.

Also, hey, can you explain something to me? If the Word of Wisdom says "no hot beverages", why are you only not supposed to drink coffee and black/green tea, but cocoa and herbal tea is okay? I mean, if you're gonna be crazy with your religious beliefs, at least be crazily consistent.

Anyways, sorry to spam your LJ. Just wanted to say that I like your posts on this subject. :)