So bad. SO. BAD. (I love it.)

[stoney321]

I really shouldn't be posting. Or reading bad!fic. I have laundry to do, a trip to prepare for, a bagel to eat. But the bagel is set aside. I would suggest that if you click the cut-tag, you put aside your food, too.



In a horrible fic (not funny-ha ha horrible, but oh my god, who failed you in life?? horrible) sperm somehow made a woman's boobs grow.
"Thanks for my boob medicine" she replied.

Ladies, stop eating those carrots! Now I imagine a bunch of flat chested girls marching on a prison chanting "We must! We must! We must increase our bust!" YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. (Um, it's a non-con fic, so no link. It's terrible.)

We leave that and go to the Magic Red Shoes Diary!


Fun With Spelling!
"a magical pair of high heels allows a man to become an anatomically correct female on an elective part time bases" (The other time it's a football field. I'll give you a second on that one.)


Fun With Names!
"Zebulon and Valentina Castigetta" (Listen: Friends don't let friends read Anne Rice.)


Did Sean Connery Write This?
"For instances, even as the recipient dons the heels, the shocks he is wearing will be magically transmogrify into nylons anklets"

Aside from the Conneryesque "shocks" what is the DEAL with the s's every where? Oh, and the crappy story telling. But mostly the s's. You know what? I want to rewrite that as if Connery DID write it. (Thanks to cherusha for creating Connery shpeak.)

"For inshtanchesh, even ash the reshipent donsh the heelsh, the shocksh he is wearing will be magically transhmogrified into nylonsh ankletsh. Wait... Trebeck? Ish thish your idea of a joke? Men don't wear ankletsh. They wear kiltsh and nothing underneath. Jusht ashk your mother. She got an eye full lasht night!"

This magic heels story goes on and on (and on and on) just SETTING UP THE PREMISE. If you can stomach that much crap, have at it.


How about Battle of the Butches! (Good lord. Can't we women get any dignity in the fic world??)

In the "most enticing bar scene ever" category:
"it's filthy and run-down. Looks like it hasn't been updated (or cleaned) since the 1950's. It probably hasn't been. The clientele [sic] is mostly old homeless looking people." (Wookin puh nub!! <-- dear god, please know what I'm talking about. And let me tell you, when I'm looking for a piece of ass, I first turn to the homeless. Because come on: you can TEWTALLY get them to come home with you. I mean, where else are they going to go?


In the "that's a new way to describe it" category:
"our tits, like metal thimbles" Tits?? Or... did you mean nipples? (I mean, there is a difference. Those are some really poorly formed boobs, otherwise. She needs some boob medicine!)


"No, really. Emoticons don't belong in stories, people" category
"my soaking over-wet flesh hole ;)" (Flesh hole? As opposed to your silk hole? Metal hole? Shoe hole? (wink!) Everyone should use emoticons in fic from now on, maybe.)

"He slapped my face, saying 'Bitch, don't lie to me!" :( I cried. ;_; Then he was all >:( and I was like @_@ and we go o_0 then the cat came in and was like >.< THE. END." <-- pls nominate me for all the awards ever.

You've seen detachable penises, now there's a detachable clit!
"My hips are bucking wildly, trying to release my clit" (Be free, mighty clitoris! Free like the wind! As free as an empty wrapper on the breeze!Or like a piece of chewed up bubble gum spat upon the air! Ptooey!)


Eww.
"sticky cunt" (Why is it "sticky?" Did you shove a fly strip up there? Glue? Perhaps a shower is in order, filth pot. Maybe her clit was in charge of the showering schedule...)


In this story, the "lovers" are trying to shove ALL of a 15 inch dildo in this girls sticky, clit-free flesh hole. We get this gem: "suddenly it feels like the dildo has hit a barrier, almost as if another wall of muscle deep within my pussy is unwilling to let it pass through"

I BELIEVE WE CALL THAT THE CERVIX. Let's learn our anatomy, please.



Fun With Modifiers!
"She was just about to slap her forehead, when it knocked on the door." (I wonder if her eyes joined the other girl's clit?) This is also one of my favorite punchlines to the "two ___ walk into a bar." joke. The punchline: "Which is dumb, because you'd think the second ___ would duck." Ba dum bum ching!



WHAT AM I LOOKING AT HERE?!?
"finaly [sic] charlie's knot entered her cunt and began to swell up until it was the size of a large orange."

KNOT. Knob, maybe? Still: whut. And I don't know about you gals, but I see a navel orange and I get HAWT. Mandarin oranges don't do it for me. Tangerines? Sure, I get a tingle. But LARGE oranges? Mmmm. Don't even get me started on grapefruit. *fans self* (But when I try and jam those in, it's almost as if another wall of muscle is unwilling to let it pass through. I believe we call that muscle a BRAIN.)*

*I do realize that brains are not actually muscles.



I think the author's brain broke before mine could: "Moss, Irish Cream, my cream, sun, she, Irish Cream, my cream, sun,she, my cream, sun, she, my cream, sun, she, sun, she, she, she...everything's tumbling in my head... she, she..."

It's almost jazz. *finger-snap applause* More skeebity-scat!
"he shows us the motor yacht that I rented. Something around 24 feet with a large comfy-padded upper sun deck. Life's a swamp."

1. motor yacht? Look, if it doesn't have a motor, it's a SAIL boat. Or a gondola. And I'm thinking a gondola is pretty darned inefficient on the ocean. (That's a loooong pole. [insert dick joke here])
2. Also, life is a SWAMP?! Hot, sticky, full of alligators and Spanish moss? (Moss, Irish Cream, my cream, sun, she....)

"She had deck shoes on and her feet are still sweaty. I press my lips against her toes. Her sweaty toes." (Okay, so for this writer, life really is a swamp. Blech.)

"Thinking I had enough of the deck shoe taste in my mouth" YOU AND ME BOTH, SISTER.


Did a weird portal open? "I can see her trembling and stiletto's disappearing inside your her"

From now on, when fic gets too weird to even follow along, I'll just chant to myself, Moss, Irish Cream, my cream, sun she. But in a deep Buddhist monk voice. I should get a didgiridoo mp3 to play, too.


"Her wet naval"

If it's not wet, it's an Air Force. (I'll give you a second for that one, too.)



*HEAD DESK*
"I dare to push my finger into her anus. Softly, so I won't scare her away" (Shh, shh, little anus! I won't hurt you! I need someone to give me a Bad Touch doll so I can start the process of healing from this damn story.)

"She's shaking while my finger in her bum is doing everything I can imagine." (Wait. No wonder the anus was afraid! Everything? Because... I don't know about you, but I can imagine A LOT. And most, say... 99.9999999% of what I can imagine has NO BUSINESS being associated with a fraidy-anus. )

I'm just saying. Now, let's all get into lotus position and start our healing chant, "Mmmmmossirishcreamuhcreamsunsheeeeeeeee. Mmmmmmosssirishcreammahcreamsunsheeeeeeeee."

*lights Joss sticks*

Comments

[entrenous88.livejournal.com]

Oh, Buckwheat, don't wook pah nub at the homeless person bar! *worries*

Of course, my favorite song from that collection was the one titled, "??????"

*goes to read rest of the entry*

[entrenous88.livejournal.com]

Also, now I'm imagining a mournful refrain of "Git along, leetle anus..."

[wolfshark]

*brain breaks*

Ouch.

I needed that for work, you know!

[entrenous88.livejournal.com]

But now you can take the rest of the day off! *writes a note for broken brain* *\o/*

[beadattitude.livejournal.com]

Omg. I keep picturing the clit getting free, joyfully airborne. "Bwee!"

Where it has adventures as the little flesh bit with One Thing On Its Mind.

"Mmmmmossirishcreamuhcreamsunsheeeeeeeee. Mmmmmmosssirishcreammahcreamsunsheeeeeeeee."

:;steals your bagel while giving you a snorgle::

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Booooooooorn free! As free as the cliiiiiiiiits grow.

Hee, stop, I'm ticklish! *pretends to bat you away*

[nicole-anell.livejournal.com]

Wookin puh nub.
BUCKWHEAT SINGS!

Stoney badfic posts make my day brighter.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

In aw de wong paces, wookin puh nub!

YAY! My work here is DONE. :D

[southernbangel.livejournal.com]

AHahahaha, Eddie Murphy as Buckwheat will always be a classic.

However, these stories? Not. *scrubs brain*

Hey, guess who will be picking you up from the airport in about nine hours? This chick. EEEEEE!!!

<3 <3

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I KNOW!!!!!!!

Oh, I'm checking my bag, I think. *stands back and examines suitcase* Maybe. I'll let you know. I sent you my flight info, yes?

OMG YAYAYAYAYAYYYAYAYA.

[aimeelicious]

I am literally gasping for breath. By the time I was halfway through this post I thought I might die of laughter OH. EM. GEE.

Stoney, the things you put yourself through as a public service to the rest of us. You deserve a medal. Or an award, for this:

"He slapped my face, saying 'Bitch, don't lie to me!" :( I cried. ;_; Then he was all >:( and I was like @_@ and we go o_0 then the cat came in and was like >.< THE. END."

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

im sew hapy u liekd mah storie. i wuz totes high on lollipops and spirite when i rote it.

*steely look into the nothing* I do it so you don't have to. (Hee!)

[anelith.livejournal.com]

I just LOVE these posts of yours. It's like you're sacrificing your brain for the benefit of all of us, Laura. I salute you!

I'm so easily amused that one of my favorites is the very simple:

"She was just about to slap her forehead, when it knocked on the door."

Just made me break right out laughing.

And I do love:

"Her wet naval" If it's not wet, it's an Air Force.

But they're all great.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Your icon says it all. :D (And um... this was only from three fics? Yeah. I've barely tapped the surface of nifty.org.)

I'm especially proud of my naval joke, I thank you. :D

[darkhavens.livejournal.com]

ACK! Either Charlie is a dogboy, or little miss ficwriter got her canine and human anatomy lessons confused. Ouch. Also, ick. *g*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

It's furry fic (don't judge me! I do this for YOU PEOPLE *crie*) so I'm thinking the canine anatomy is purposefully used. NONE THE LESS. BLECH.

[fiveandfour.livejournal.com]

"Moss, Irish Cream, my cream, sun, she, Irish Cream, my cream, sun,she, my cream, sun, she, my cream, sun, she, sun, she, she, she...everything's tumbling in my head... she, she..."


Clearly this is the spirit of James Joyce who, having been trapped on the Other Side lo these many years, couldn't take any more stories written in a linear fashion and so possessed a writer he found worthy of his talents in order to be published again. (But I think he was a bit disappointed in the reference to Irish Cream instead of whiskey and will assuredly be more selective of his writer the next time he tries this.)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Every single paragraph had "cream" in some form. Just... eww. I need to take a second shower now.

[harmonyfb.livejournal.com]

Zebulon

Name of a character in the (Russian SF) Night Watch series. Just fyi. Also, those are really good paranormal novels, and a great glimpse into the other side of the cold war. Just sayin'.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Gotcha! But are Zebulon and Valentina Castigetta also names in those books? This was a story about a magical pair of heels made by a shoemaker and his witch wife.

And by "story" I mean pile of crap. :D

[a2zmom.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. These poor people, rife with deck shoe toeitis, foreheads banging into doors and large knobby oranges shoved into delicate places. (But not shoved further than 15 inches because there's a wall there.)

I think you should write a Sean Connery fic.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I did!! I wrote Andrew meeting Sean Connery! What I Did On My Summer Vacation, By Andrew Wells. :D

[juno.livejournal.com]

Wow. Or maybe I should say ow.

The cervix one seems to be a common error (?) -but the deck shoe, the orange, are new to me and are new levels of wtf?

I don't know if it's good news (no chance for actual breeding) or bad news (really young?) that the writer doesn't seem to ever have had actual sex with anyone.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

...or cracked open an anatomy book, or paid attention to "Your Changing Body" videos they force you to watch in school...

:D

[dancetomato.livejournal.com]

"unse, tise, fee times a fraidy-anus"

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Dabuh dabah, de debbudah dabba she gob, Bettdy Davih ah.

[domenowtrent.livejournal.com]

Flesh hole? As opposed to your silk hole? Metal hole? Shoe hole?

Show hole makes me think of this (http://www.stockroom.com/SiFeet-Pussy-Foot-P2958.aspx).

[domenowtrent.livejournal.com]

*shoe

[darlas-mom.livejournal.com]

::boggles:: Stoney, how do you manage to read these without becoming an alcoholic? Just reading the little quotes you use and trying to imagine the stories they came from makes me want to drink. Or huff bleach. Or drill holes into my skull to let the trauma out.

"Mmmmmossirishcreamuhcreamsunsheeeeeeeee. Mmmmmmosssirishcreammahcreamsunsheeeeeeeee."

This is my new meditation chant FOREVER.

Also, just a random factoid: I think I saw something just like that in the runners-up at the Bad Sex Awards.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

"how do you manage to read these without becoming an alcoholic?" Who says I'm not one? *makes moonshine out of lighter fluid*

And I am not surprised to hear that about the Bad Sex Awards. If someone starts chanting about cream, she, and moss while boning me, I'd call that some bad sex.

[tabaqui]

Oh, god.
*falls about*

I must have a spoonful of peanut butter to calm myself.
:)

[azryal.livejournal.com]

I think you should add a "Do Not Read At Work" warning, to go with your "Do Not Have Food In Or Near Your Mouth" warning.

You rule. Best break ever.

Mae

[lostakasha.livejournal.com]

Oh-tay! After reading this I might have to vishit my the-rapisht.

Only you could get Buckwheat and Sean Connery into this collision of fraidy-anuses. All we needed was a Thermian in the mix. Ah, you spoil us so...

[azewewish.livejournal.com]

I was fine - like, mostly giggling quietly to myself, right - and then I got to your Best Fic Ever:

"He slapped my face, saying 'Bitch, don't lie to me!" :( I cried. ;_; Then he was all >:( and I was like @_@ and we go o_0 then the cat came in and was like >.< THE. END." <-- pls nominate me for all the awards ever.

And it was like a dam burst inside of me where only a 15 inch dildo could reach. Or possibly a swamp.

Screw it, now I want some Bailey's.

[dreamyraynbo.livejournal.com]

Oh good god, I'm dying!!! *tries to breathe around the guffawing*

[http://users.livejournal.com/_tallian_/]

I luffs this so so much.

Just friended you so I can see more. Bad!fic reviews this excellent are too wonderful to miss.

[midnightsjane.livejournal.com]

*wipes away tears of hysterical laughter*
:crawls back into chair:
I laughed so hard I think I hurt myself.
Thank you, Stoney! This was so above and beyond the call of duty.

[lumenara.livejournal.com]

How do you *find* this stuff and not go blind?

ha!

[faye-lights.livejournal.com]

So I have no idea how I got to your journal now, but I've been sitting here with the laptop balanced on my knees while my husband and I crack up over your spork. Thanks for the day-brightening.

[la-dissonance.livejournal.com]

I was laughing so hard that tears were pouring down my face. Also hard enough to make my clit want to make a bid for freedom. (*chases after it*) And I think I made some very unfortunate noises in public - in the library during exam period no less. I think people thought I was having a nervous breakdown. Bravo!