More adventures from the Tales of Stupid People, Astronauts vs. Cavemen edition

[stoney321]

(And remember: it's always okay to knock me off your flist if my journal makes you uncomfortable. Just know that I will mock you until you die from it. NO I WON'T. Yes, yes I will. QUIET, YOU. [/Dwight] I uh... I have the blackest of humors. And rest assured that you've yet to see how black I can go. Yay! ...the Aristocrats! What?) <-- someone take away my coffee, please.

A collection of truly stupid things said in public forums, serving as a terrific reminder that no matter how foolish YOU might feel at times, there's a good twenty people far more foolish.

• Godwin's law only applies when the other side isn't acting like freaking Nazis. (from stupid_free <-- apparently not.)


• One of the most basic laws in the universe is the Second Law of Thermodynamics. This states that as time goes by, entropy in an environment will increase. Evolution argues differently against a law that is accepted EVERYWHERE BY EVERYONE. Evolution says that we started out simple, and over time became more complex. That just isn't possible: UNLESS there is a giant outside source of energy supplying the Earth with huge amounts of energy. If there were such a source, scientists would certainly know about it. (from SmashBoards. Hmm, what could a GIANT OUTSIDE ENERGY source be? And could someone bring me some shades, the sun's in my eyes. Now, where was I? Hmmm.....)


• Gravity: Doesn't exist. If items of mass had any impact of others, then mountains should have people orbiting them. [...] What I believe is going on here is this: These objects in space have yet to receive mans touch, and thus have no sin to weigh them down.This isn't the case for earth, where we see the impact of transfered sin to material objects. The more sin, the heavier something is. (from ChristianDiscussionForums. This can't be true. Proof? Paris Hilton barely weighs a buck 5.)


• There are a lot of things I have concluded to be wrong, without studying them in-depth. Evolution is one of them. The fact that I don't know that much about it does not bother me in the least. (from the same board as above. Also, I'm going to agree with this, because I've not studied mechanical engineering, but I made a plane for that person to fly off the Grand Canyon in. I bet it'll work. *shoves*)


• I can sum it all up in three words: Evolution is a lie. (from ChristianForums. Also: HAHAHAHAHA! I can count to this many! *holds up splayed palm*)


• Masturbation can sometimes be wrong and it can sometimes not. If you masturbate thinking about how pretty the flowers are and how you want a puppy, essentially that's not wrong. But most times, that is not the case. I believe that when one masturbates a high percentage of the time they are fantasizing about a sexual partner therefore making masturbation lust. Lust, as the Bible states, is a sin. But masturbation is something that people in general should stay away from because it's hard not to lust whilst doing it. (from Facebook. I'm...uh... going to go out on a limb here, and say that if you're thinking about puppies while masturbating, that's a LOT more disturbing that thinking about a HUMAN sex partner. It's hard not to lust while jerking off? STOP THE PRESSES!)


• I also notice when driving by our public school grounds and sports fields another phenomenon taking place: the young girls are trained in sports right along with the boys. To me, this can only be degrading to the boys. (from Ladies against Feminism. I like how this adult is CLOSELY OBSERVING children at play. No, that's not creepy. Also, since most coaches in American secondary schools are lesbians, I love that all children - boys included - learned to throw like a girl. *g* And yes, it must be degrading to the boys to have a lowly female kick their asses at so many things. *eyeroll*)


• I am 100% pro-life, unless we're talking about capital punishment, in which case I am 100% pro-death. (from Christian Forums. I wonder if this person is a fisherman? Throw them back until they're bigger?)


• Oral with dudes can't be natural because the legs will be poking out from different directions as will the ladies if they participate in oral sex. (from MySpace. Um... how's that? Did this guy have Barbies as a kid, snapped the legs off, then popped them back in backwards or something?)


• If we did evolve from monkeys then how come babies arent born monkeys? how come we cant speak monkey? (from Christian Forums. Uh, clearly this person hasn't read Dr. Doolittle. *tongue in cheek* Or seen Jane Goodall. Or have a brain. Scarecrow?)


• several million years for a monkey to turn into a man. oh wait thats right. monkeys dont live several million years! (from Gaia. Man, she sure showed Darwin!)


• "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." (Brooke Shields, her attempt to become an anti-smoking spokesperson.)


• "You guys line up alphabetically by height." (Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach. This would require severe disparity in height, if you think about it.)


• "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." (Charles De Gaulle, former French President. Wait, he might be right. Someone get the "monkeys don't live for millions of years" guy and let's start a head count.) "It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." (from Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President. What's funny is that he's right. *tongue in cheek*)


• "And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand" (from David Coleman, Sportscaster. Let's not have him help line up those guys alphabetically by height. They'll all just be confused.)


• “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as, uh, South Africa, and uh,the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh,should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us." (from the 2007 Miss Teen USA pageant, Caitlin Upton, Miss South Carolina. But guys, give her a break. We should help The Iraq and such. If we don't help the children of South Africa, how will our students get maps? Like such as.)

And finally: "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." - Dizzy Dean, ball player that was hit in the head during the 1934 World Series.

Conclusion, THIS ROUND TO THE ASTRONAUTS.

Comments

[redbrickrose.livejournal.com]

Bwhahahahaha!

And yes. Clearly it is better to think about puppies while masturbating. WAIT WHAT?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Personally, I feel that the million year old monkeys do that, hence evolution isn't real. DAMN DIRTY APES.

:D

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

I take it you've seen Fundies Say The Darnedest Things (http://www.fstdt.com)...? :-)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Aww, yeah. Too many of those get my blood pressure up, so I have to stick to the bald-face stupid ones. :D

[that_mireille]

Oh, Stoney, I'm in class with people like this. All the time. *headdesk*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I find I'm usually in LINE with these people. (Hee! You have my permission to blow spit balls at these people.)

Dear Mireille's Teacher:

Please allow her to mock the stupid. It's the only way they'll learn. (Because you and your kind haven't done their jobs. Or their parents haven't. Maybe a combination of the two.)

Thank you,
Her Online Buddy

[ljgould.livejournal.com]

You could add Sheri Stringfield(? -- I can never remember her last name.) who said on The View that she wasn't sure she believed the world was round because she couldn't see it. I knew there was a reason I was leaving money in my will to the Flat Earth Society. Then there's a guy who calls himself an evolutionary creationist (can't remember his name, but he recently sold a lovely mastadon skull found near San Antonio) who claims that dinosaurs lived only 10,000 years ago and were killed off by man.

Makes me wonder if a friend of mine isn't right when she says that the only reason humans are on this planet is because we lost the fight for the trees.

[southernbangel.livejournal.com]

Hahaha, oh yes. She also said that Christianity predates everything.

O_o.

She does get that until Jesus CHRIST there was no Christianity, right? They were all heathens up until that point. HAHAHAHA. (I laugh so I don't cry at the stupidity.)

[southernbangel.livejournal.com]

WHY DO THESE PEOPLE MAKE MY RELIGION LOOK STUPID? I feel like I'm constantly apologizing because these morons are the ones that get the attention. "Uh yeah, I'm a Christian but I'm not one of those Christians. I'm actually sane." GAH. You can be a Christian and believe in evolution. You can be a Christian and be pro-choice, advocate for gay marriage, and so forth. Last time I checked the whole Jesus thing was about loving your neighbor and not condemning them because they have a different lifestyle than you. And do not even get me started on this man (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fred_Phelps) and others like him.

Uhm, sorry. I'll get off my soapbox now. :-/

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh, don't worry. All religions have stupid people - it's in its nature. (HEEE.) Hi, remember the cult I belonged to? EXACTLY.

But remember that Queers and Monkeys are not of God. (Um, there was a quote about how "we all know" that apes have an unnatural lust for our women. I think that person took King Kong for a documentary...)

[stephanierb.livejournal.com]

several million years for a monkey to turn into a man. oh wait thats right. monkeys dont live several million years! (from Gaia. Man, she sure showed Darwin!)

I just kept reading that over and over. I couldn't grasp how someone could be that stupid. At first I thought the source of energy dude was going to take the prize for stupidity, but I think this person is going to overtake the lead. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I bet we could harness all sorts of alternate energy from the sheer force of the wheels turning in that brain! It's really breathtaking, isn't it?

[entrenous88.livejournal.com]

I'm...uh... going to go out on a limb here, and say that if you're thinking about puppies while masturbating, that's a LOT more disturbing that thinking about a HUMAN sex partner.

I am 1000% in agreement with you here. Good gravy.

Also, why the defriend-at-will note? Has anyone been acting hinky? *puts up dukes*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh, no, no, just a reminder. (Um, I realized last night that my black sense of humor isn't always... enjoyed. *G* I just don't want anyone keeping on because they are worried about my reaction. Which would rightfully be to set of nukes. THAT'S HOW IMPORTANT MY LJ FRIENDS ARE. Hahahaha.)

I'm making a pie in ONE HOUR! <-- I'm very excited about pie. Also, I love the word hinky. Thank you for using it today! I shall use it three times today, at random.

[julia-here.livejournal.com]

You haven't seen the "so smart it's dumb" argument, which I thought was invented by a local LCMS attendin' letter-writin' lawyer of my acquaintence, but recently saw at Wikipedia Review?

"Scientific proof is just another set of rhetorical rules and, objectively speaking, is no more convincing nor important than legal argumentation nor religious polemics."

No, honestly, people say that. Stupid, but with words on the SAT.

Julia, oy

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

UM. Yikes. Also, "I often debate with evolutionists because I believe that they are narrow mindedly and dogmatically accepting evolution without questioning it. I don't really care how God did what He did. I know He did it." is another one of my favorite stupid things said.

I'm a comparitive GENIUS next to these folks, so it's working out for me, in the end. :D

[marenfic.livejournal.com]

The masturbation one just makes me really sad, because that kid (?) is going to be in a fellow sex therapist's office in several years because he's conditioned himself into a fetish.

Religion/overly-strict sexual morality are the number one psychological reason I see people for sexual dysfunctions.

But the evolution people are just insane, and really deeply stupid.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Jeebus, I know, right? I wonder (hope, really) if the kid slapped his head after posting that, realizing how JAME GUMB CREEPY that was. (It puts the lotion on it's skin, or else it commits a sin again, isn't that right, Precious? *thwackthwack*

I'm not surprised at all by your second comment. Sad, but not surprised at all. (Um, did you read the chapter of Oh My Heck where the kid committed suicide because he couldn't stop masturbating? And how the church sent pamphlets to missionaries to help them stop jerking? GOOD LORD.)

[halfmoon-mollie.livejournal.com]

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."

snort.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I'm still not convinced, though. I've applied for a research grant. hopefully through eating lots and lots of Chinese food (authentic, and From China) I'll be able to confirm that once and for all.

[cordelianne.livejournal.com]

I've spent today asking myself "WTF is wrong with people?" and getting distressed, so this post is a relief: laughing at stupid people makes me feel better.

I'm...uh... going to go out on a limb here, and say that if you're thinking about puppies while masturbating, that's a LOT more disturbing that thinking about a HUMAN sex partner.
OMG yes! That masturbation comment had me laughing and laughing. Oh, stupid people.

Thanks for brightening my day! :D

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

YOU BET. And I'm thinking we all could use some laughing, yes? Oh, dumb people: never change.

(And I am MESMERIZED by your Tina Fey icon! Oh, Tina, why you so pretty and smart and awesome all over? *dreamy sigh*)

[harmonyfb.livejournal.com]

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."

Hee. Well, actually, you could do that.

"Five-two" would obviously go before "six-four", and "six-four" would be right after "six-five".

::preens alphabetizing feathers::

Oral with dudes can't be natural because the legs will be poking out from different directions as will the ladies if they participate in oral sex.

Ah, spoken by someone who has clearly never had sex.

::goes off to think about puppies and flowers, and oh, god, yes, stroke that pistil, my little bee of luuuuuuv - um, sorry, what was I saying?::

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hence, the "severe disparity in heights" needed. They're going to need all the help with that one. :D

Dude, the weirdness out there! And you know most of these people came from Florida and Texas. *SIGH* Quit screwing up my state, people!

*strokes the puppy, but in the normal way*

[authormichals.livejournal.com]

Gravity: Doesn't exist. That alone made me laugh.
If you masturbate thinking about how pretty the flowers are and how you want a puppy, essentially that's not wrong. This person is obviously a closet furry and will soon be writing horrible fanfic which you'll have to add to your bad!fic posts. And flowers? Really? I mean, how sexy are tulips or roses?

This is hilarious and also depressing, people can't possibly think like this can they?

Also, I remember you were the one posting that Patton Oswalt thing about the KFC Famous Bowl and since then The Onion has had him try one, here (http://www.avclub.com/content/feature/a_v_club_taste_test_special_the).

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - I hadn't seen that post with Patton! Oh my god, I'm LOLing so hard.

And you WIN LIFE for your icon, just so you know. *Calls gift center committee, makes sure it is a cash prize*

(I like to find the funny in these horrible, horrible people, otherwise I'd never leave the house. And then all I'd have left in life would be a KFC Favorites Bowl, and then I'd have to die.)

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

I love talking to Fundamentalists. It's like debating with a sea sponge that has been temporarily granted the power of speech.

ION, did you see Cruise's Scientology video? The crazy is strong with that one.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha, TRUE. Also, I did see it, he's SO BIZARRE, and have you seen the parody vid made by Jerry O'Connell? (SMG's former boyfriend.) Hilarious.

Dammit, I got rid of my Tom Cruise thinks he's god icon. I'll just have to substitute with my Bear Grylls icon. (He, however, is not crazy. Just crazy hot.)

[cityphonelines.livejournal.com]

*cries over the short lifespan of monkeys*

My BF's sister is an English Prof and had them to a persuasive paper. Uber-religious girl did it on pro-life and stated 'Abortion is dangerous, not only for the mother, but for the child as well.'

I love the smell of stupidity in the morning.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

You know, what, she's onto something. If only there was a way to have an abortion, yet keep the child out of harm's way... *taps finger to chin*

Oh, monkeys. Why you no live fa evah? (Fa evah evah? Evah evah?)

[midnightsjane.livejournal.com]

OMG, I feel totally brilliant and genius like now!!!!
Bwaahaaahaaaaa.
Stoney, you are the best cheerer-upper ever!
*wipes away tears of laughter*

[semby.livejournal.com]

Oh, good God. The stupid burns. And these people are breeding.

[gillo]

OMG. Poodles!

(

Torchwood

reference...)

These were hysterical, especially the masturbation and gravity.

[sunnyd-lite.livejournal.com]

I am 100% pro-life, unless we're talking about capital punishment, in which case I am 100% pro-death. (from Christian Forums. I wonder if this person is a fisherman? Throw them back until they're bigger?)

Your commentary has me in stitches!! Christ wanted fishers of men but I don't think he had this in mind!

[elucidate-this.livejournal.com]

oh my god laura you have made my freaking evening. I had to read the source on the legs sticking out oral quote and it was just...amazing. sublime. delightful.

i really feel that you provide a public service when you make posts like this :)

[psychoadept.livejournal.com]

Have you discovered Fundies Say the Darndest Things (www.fstdt.com)? They had that masturbation quote, too...

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

That's where most of the religious comments were culled from (I don't actually read fundamental Christian forums for entertainment.)

[anelith.livejournal.com]

OH the morons out there... good grief! I can't decide which is more groan-worthy, the "mountains should have people orbiting them" or the "masturbate to thoughts of puppies" or the bit about the Second Law of Thermodynamics. Frankly, the mood I'm in the one that most appealed to me was this one, because I LOVED your addendum:

There are a lot of things I have concluded to be wrong, without studying them in-depth. Evolution is one of them. The fact that I don't know that much about it does not bother me in the least. (from the same board as above. Also, I'm going to agree with this, because I've not studied mechanical engineering, but I made a plane for that person to fly off the Grand Canyon in. I bet it'll work. *shoves*)

Oh how that made me laugh!

[demonqueen666.livejournal.com]

Godwin's law only applies when the other side isn't acting like freaking Nazis.

*raises hand* Um...

- If we did evolve from monkeys then how come babies arent born monkeys? how come we cant speak monkey?
- several million years for a monkey to turn into a man. oh wait thats right. monkeys dont live several million years!

*anthro major tries not to choke a bitch* Evolution: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!