Oh, wank. I love you when you're breathtaking in your stupidity.

[stoney321]

There's some outbreak of stupid being heaped upon southernbangel for wanting to write a fictional story about fictional people in a fictional setting and how this is WRONG and AWFUL and DISRESPECTFUL. (Um, this is fanfiction, not RPF, for the record.) It all boils down to: if you don't write what I like, you a) aren't a fan and b) you are mean and awful and dirty. So, same song, different verse.

In light of this, I've created a list of fics that I'm going to write (no I'm not, I'm lazy) just to be unpopular. :D



Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (with some AtS)
Pairing: Eve/Spike/Kendra/Warren
Summary: Warren never died, he just had a change of heart through the loving ministrations of a Vampire he loved, a new Slayer In Training, and a hell-beast from Wolfram and Heart. Four-some tender lovings with tongue baths, cold sperm shakes, vaginas that feel bad for being on ladies and not between men's legs, and eventually they buy a puppy and name it Dawn. Also, they feed each other ice cream and cry a lot.

Fandom: Harry Potter, Books
Pairing: Hermione/Moaning Myrtle/Dumbledore
Summary: Hermione learns where Myrtle really got her name through some kinky carpet munching on ghost bits, which means Hermione isn't really gay, because it's a ghost. Also, Dumbledore likes to watch and remembers all the sex he and Lucius Malfoy had back at Hogwarts before Lucius met the dark lord. Peeves offers helpful love advice and tongues the Fat Lady's portrait. Also, Crookshanks gets fixed! (I like a good PSA in my fic, don't you? Please spay and neuter your pets.)

Fandom: Pirates of the Carribean
Pairing: The fat guy in the red coat, you know, that one?/Elizabeth
Summary: Elizabeth hates James Norrington, Capt. Jack, and most of all Will. She needs a man that can help her carry the weight of her enormous jaw, and that man is a faithful flunky in His Royal Highness' Navy. Hijinks ensue! Also, detailed information about how no one brushed their teeth or bathed often back then, and Elizabeth comes down with a huge, pulsing case of the gout, and the guy in the Red Coat nurses her back to health. And then they buy a monkey, who gets fixed! (Please, spay and neuter your pets.)

Fandom: Star Wars
Pairing: Anakin/Padme/C3P0
Summary: Anakin decides not to kill all the baby Jedis, but be a good father to the babies growing inside Padme. C3P0 has some wonderful tips on how to pleasure a pregnant woman, and gets involved in a heartbreaking drama of three who long to be two. Will R2D2 forever be left on the sidelines? And will Han and his lover, Chewie, come to the baby shower NOT drunk this time? (Yoda stages an intervention.) Also, Emperor Palpatine gets dentures! (Don't forget to brush, kids. 2 minutes, morning and night!)

Fandom: Angel: The Series
Pairing: Connor, a new friend
Summary: Connor buys a puppy, decides his dad, Angel, is the best ever! They go to the carnival and buy cotton candy. Poor Connor eats too much junk food and gets the whoopsies, and Angel soothes him by rubbing his back. Will Angel ever be able to get over his love of Eve, or can he convince her to join their happy family? A/N: Angel will never turn evil again, he'll only be happy forever more.

Fandom: Battlestar Galactica
Pairing: Adama/Kara Thrace
Summary: It was all a lie. She never loved Zack, she never loved Lee, all she's ever wanted was Admiral Adama, but can she melt his heart of ice? Also, Dee fights her in a vat of oil for Adama's love. Then, once they've sealed their relationship (Laura Roslin presides over their wedding) they buy a puppy and get it fixed. Then they feel like shit, because the whole fucking universe was blown up, and that was the only female puppy ever, and now there won't be any more. They have a Very Special Chapter about it.

One I said in email about it... (And my favorite, because I don't even KNOW the offending fandom pairing.)

Fandom: One Tree Hill and HBO's OZ
Pairing: Nathan/Schillinger/Haley/Brooke
Summary: Nathan goes to jail for beating Haley (she still loves him, though, no worries!) and becomes Schillinger's bitch. Haley has to come up and let Schillinger "spoon" her to get all the white supremacists to quit it with Nathan. Brooke comes, too, and offers herself up, which leads Haley to realize how hot Brooke is. They bust Nathan out of jail and have hot three way sex which leads to babies, and they all go shopping to decorate the nursery (described in two whole chapters with links to stuff I registered for, LOL) and they all cry and eat ice cream a lot, then love the babies and are perfect parents for ever. And they never tell the babies about daddy being in jail for beating a mommy.

(Oh my god, if I didn't have laundry needing folding, I'd do this all day.) Now you!

Comments

[nicole-anell.livejournal.com]

Is there something stupid in the WATER? God, fandom is annoying.

Also, ilu.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I mean... the disconnect with words and their meaning is SHOCKING over there. o_0

ILU2.

[killerweasel.livejournal.com]

...

O_o

That's over something that hasn't even been written yet? Ye gods. Oh fandoms, you never fail to bring the wtf and the wank wank wank.

And for the record, I would SO read that Pirates fic. :P

I love doing random pairings. Like um... Lindsey McDonald and Snyder (http://killerweasel.livejournal.com/1457477.html) or Lindsey and Barbossa (http://killerweasel.livejournal.com/1604411.html)

[southernbangel.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHA. I'm not sure which one is my favorite because they are all so awesome. I'm partial to the BSG one (Adama/Kara Thrace, their love is true. And puppies make every story better automatically) or the HP one. I always knew Dumbledore was a kinky fucker.

Oh Stoney, I asscone you so very much.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHA, thank you for picking up on how it's an IDEA!! Wow.

Hahaha, I may have to write that PotC fic, then! BEWARE KEIRA'S JAW!

Lindsey and Snyder!! BWAH HA HA!!! Awesome.

[southernbangel.livejournal.com]

DUDE, I KNOW. I'm writing the fic right now, haven't even posted it, but apparently posting about the idea is WRONG and DETESTFUL.

Wtf-ever, fandom.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Puppies and ice cream and secret love babies and decorating houses together and hurt/comfort should be in ALL THE STORIES. (Okay, what are the names in the Dreaded Story Of Doom? I need to add the Oz crossover idea. *G*)

ILULEE.

[marenfic.livejournal.com]

I can't breathe. I can't breathe!

Then they feel like shit, because the whole fucking universe was blown up, and that was the only female puppy ever, and now there won't be any more. They have a Very Special Chapter about it.

HEEEEEEEEE! (You can read that like I'm making donkey noises. Because I AM)

[drusplace.livejournal.com]

Is it wrong that I kind of want to read that Star Wars fic? *snort*

[julia-here.livejournal.com]

(Are you the one who made that icon, or was it [Bad username or site: m_poetess? @ livejournal.com])

Wow, that's the ultra special stupid wank, there. It goes well with the crazy Kara/Lee shippers messing their panties at the very mention of Kara/Leoben in a poll.

Fandom entitlement, the crazy-sauce on our daily bread.

Julia, possibly incoherant from the insomnias

[cityphonelines.livejournal.com]

I demand this Eve/Spike/Kendra/Warren fic. DEMAND IT.

I had no idea Lee and I were stepping into an insane fandom, they looked so boringly normal from the window.

[pernickety.livejournal.com]

Elizabeth/That dude, you know the one? Yeah, him. could never happen and you know it! That dude, you know the one? Yeah, him. is in love with Barbossa and to even consider him with Elizabeth is a grave offense to the delicate sensibilities of all good people. Burn, you witch. Burn. You'll bring the wrath of God on us and the crops will rot in the fields.

I love fandom so much it hurts. ♥

[southernbangel.livejournal.com]

The HORRIBLE pairing is Nathan/Haley/Brooke. Nathan/Haley are the married couple on the show (got married when they were juniors in high school. TOLD YOU THIS SHOW IS LAME) and apparently writing anything other than N/H is just an unimaginable atrocity to their poor, delicate senses.

BTW, love the smackdown you just gave. It was pretty hot.

ILU.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Adama pats Kara on the head and tells her it's okay, because he still loves her more than breathing, and they have a cuddle, then Kara gets in her ship and kills some Cylons and Adama is Very Proud of her, and Lee starts a slow clap when she lands and Tyrol gives Adama the clear to hug her and swing her around in his arms.

And Cally asks Tyrol to smack her around so it'll be Just Like Old Times. *BEAM*

[mpoetess.livejournal.com]

Also, Dee fights her in a vat of oil for Adama's love.

COULD YOU JUST WRITE THAT PART PLZ?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hahahahahahahaha. OMG, C3P0 and R2D2 are so secretly robotic hot!!!1123412!

[southernbangel.livejournal.com]

Dude, me either! What the fuck did we get ourselves into? One bright spot: the insane fangirls who are bitching are not on my flist so yay for that. The OTH fans that are on my flist are sane. I'm pretty sure. Hahaha.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Your icon? Must have been Mpoetess. :D

Oh, fandom. SO freaking crazy!! I love how people can't even stomach ideas, to the point where They Must Be Heard!!

Re: ILU.

[southernbangel.livejournal.com]

Best.

Story.

Ever.

Roslin approves of this story.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*writes like a summbitch*

Can Jonathan appear and be a flaming homo in love with Wesley (who also didn't die) and then Wesley can say how Cordelia and Fred tasted like fish, and penis is DELICIOUS? Because there's room for that.

[southernbangel.livejournal.com]

Summary: Nathan goes to jail for beating Haley (she still loves him, though, no worries!) and becomes Schillinger's bitch. Haley has to come up and let Schillinger "spoon" her to get all the white supremacists to quit it with Nathan. Brooke comes, too, and offers herself up, which leads Haley to realize how hot Brooke is. They bust Nathan out of jail and have hot three way sex which leads to babies, and they all go shopping to decorate the nursery (described in two whole chapters with links to stuff I registered for, LOL) and they all cry and eat ice cream a lot, then love the babies and are perfect parents for ever. And they never tell the babies about daddy being in jail for beating a mommy.

Okay, now that is the greatest story ever. I particularly like the part with the links to your registry.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

No, not the crops!!!!!

*rewrites it to be Sparrington, because let's face it: it's the One True Pairing*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Why is there no Kara/Dee cat fight fic? Then they can start blissfully making out and Lee can watch all nervous and sad to be excluded. :D

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I felt the original was missing a little something. Oh, and I'll have PayPal links at the end so I can buy all the stuff from the story!!

Re: ILU.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

It was the slow clap, huh? There should be some fist pumps from Helo and Sharon.

"Way to go, you two!" Then Helo takes Sharon in his arms and says "I liked the first one of you more." Then Laura and Tyrol make out.