Oh, wank. I love you when you're breathtaking in your stupidity.

[stoney321]

There's some outbreak of stupid being heaped upon southernbangel for wanting to write a fictional story about fictional people in a fictional setting and how this is WRONG and AWFUL and DISRESPECTFUL. (Um, this is fanfiction, not RPF, for the record.) It all boils down to: if you don't write what I like, you a) aren't a fan and b) you are mean and awful and dirty. So, same song, different verse.

In light of this, I've created a list of fics that I'm going to write (no I'm not, I'm lazy) just to be unpopular. :D



Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (with some AtS)
Pairing: Eve/Spike/Kendra/Warren
Summary: Warren never died, he just had a change of heart through the loving ministrations of a Vampire he loved, a new Slayer In Training, and a hell-beast from Wolfram and Heart. Four-some tender lovings with tongue baths, cold sperm shakes, vaginas that feel bad for being on ladies and not between men's legs, and eventually they buy a puppy and name it Dawn. Also, they feed each other ice cream and cry a lot.

Fandom: Harry Potter, Books
Pairing: Hermione/Moaning Myrtle/Dumbledore
Summary: Hermione learns where Myrtle really got her name through some kinky carpet munching on ghost bits, which means Hermione isn't really gay, because it's a ghost. Also, Dumbledore likes to watch and remembers all the sex he and Lucius Malfoy had back at Hogwarts before Lucius met the dark lord. Peeves offers helpful love advice and tongues the Fat Lady's portrait. Also, Crookshanks gets fixed! (I like a good PSA in my fic, don't you? Please spay and neuter your pets.)

Fandom: Pirates of the Carribean
Pairing: The fat guy in the red coat, you know, that one?/Elizabeth
Summary: Elizabeth hates James Norrington, Capt. Jack, and most of all Will. She needs a man that can help her carry the weight of her enormous jaw, and that man is a faithful flunky in His Royal Highness' Navy. Hijinks ensue! Also, detailed information about how no one brushed their teeth or bathed often back then, and Elizabeth comes down with a huge, pulsing case of the gout, and the guy in the Red Coat nurses her back to health. And then they buy a monkey, who gets fixed! (Please, spay and neuter your pets.)

Fandom: Star Wars
Pairing: Anakin/Padme/C3P0
Summary: Anakin decides not to kill all the baby Jedis, but be a good father to the babies growing inside Padme. C3P0 has some wonderful tips on how to pleasure a pregnant woman, and gets involved in a heartbreaking drama of three who long to be two. Will R2D2 forever be left on the sidelines? And will Han and his lover, Chewie, come to the baby shower NOT drunk this time? (Yoda stages an intervention.) Also, Emperor Palpatine gets dentures! (Don't forget to brush, kids. 2 minutes, morning and night!)

Fandom: Angel: The Series
Pairing: Connor, a new friend
Summary: Connor buys a puppy, decides his dad, Angel, is the best ever! They go to the carnival and buy cotton candy. Poor Connor eats too much junk food and gets the whoopsies, and Angel soothes him by rubbing his back. Will Angel ever be able to get over his love of Eve, or can he convince her to join their happy family? A/N: Angel will never turn evil again, he'll only be happy forever more.

Fandom: Battlestar Galactica
Pairing: Adama/Kara Thrace
Summary: It was all a lie. She never loved Zack, she never loved Lee, all she's ever wanted was Admiral Adama, but can she melt his heart of ice? Also, Dee fights her in a vat of oil for Adama's love. Then, once they've sealed their relationship (Laura Roslin presides over their wedding) they buy a puppy and get it fixed. Then they feel like shit, because the whole fucking universe was blown up, and that was the only female puppy ever, and now there won't be any more. They have a Very Special Chapter about it.

One I said in email about it... (And my favorite, because I don't even KNOW the offending fandom pairing.)

Fandom: One Tree Hill and HBO's OZ
Pairing: Nathan/Schillinger/Haley/Brooke
Summary: Nathan goes to jail for beating Haley (she still loves him, though, no worries!) and becomes Schillinger's bitch. Haley has to come up and let Schillinger "spoon" her to get all the white supremacists to quit it with Nathan. Brooke comes, too, and offers herself up, which leads Haley to realize how hot Brooke is. They bust Nathan out of jail and have hot three way sex which leads to babies, and they all go shopping to decorate the nursery (described in two whole chapters with links to stuff I registered for, LOL) and they all cry and eat ice cream a lot, then love the babies and are perfect parents for ever. And they never tell the babies about daddy being in jail for beating a mommy.

(Oh my god, if I didn't have laundry needing folding, I'd do this all day.) Now you!

Comments

[nicole-anell.livejournal.com]

Is there something stupid in the WATER? God, fandom is annoying.

Also, ilu.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I mean... the disconnect with words and their meaning is SHOCKING over there. o_0

ILU2.

[killerweasel.livejournal.com]

...

O_o

That's over something that hasn't even been written yet? Ye gods. Oh fandoms, you never fail to bring the wtf and the wank wank wank.

And for the record, I would SO read that Pirates fic. :P

I love doing random pairings. Like um... Lindsey McDonald and Snyder (http://killerweasel.livejournal.com/1457477.html) or Lindsey and Barbossa (http://killerweasel.livejournal.com/1604411.html)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHA, thank you for picking up on how it's an IDEA!! Wow.

Hahaha, I may have to write that PotC fic, then! BEWARE KEIRA'S JAW!

Lindsey and Snyder!! BWAH HA HA!!! Awesome.

[southernbangel.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHA. I'm not sure which one is my favorite because they are all so awesome. I'm partial to the BSG one (Adama/Kara Thrace, their love is true. And puppies make every story better automatically) or the HP one. I always knew Dumbledore was a kinky fucker.

Oh Stoney, I asscone you so very much.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Puppies and ice cream and secret love babies and decorating houses together and hurt/comfort should be in ALL THE STORIES. (Okay, what are the names in the Dreaded Story Of Doom? I need to add the Oz crossover idea. *G*)

ILULEE.

[marenfic.livejournal.com]

I can't breathe. I can't breathe!

Then they feel like shit, because the whole fucking universe was blown up, and that was the only female puppy ever, and now there won't be any more. They have a Very Special Chapter about it.

HEEEEEEEEE! (You can read that like I'm making donkey noises. Because I AM)

ILU.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Adama pats Kara on the head and tells her it's okay, because he still loves her more than breathing, and they have a cuddle, then Kara gets in her ship and kills some Cylons and Adama is Very Proud of her, and Lee starts a slow clap when she lands and Tyrol gives Adama the clear to hug her and swing her around in his arms.

And Cally asks Tyrol to smack her around so it'll be Just Like Old Times. *BEAM*

[drusplace.livejournal.com]

Is it wrong that I kind of want to read that Star Wars fic? *snort*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hahahahahahahaha. OMG, C3P0 and R2D2 are so secretly robotic hot!!!1123412!

[julia-here.livejournal.com]

(Are you the one who made that icon, or was it [Bad username or site: m_poetess? @ livejournal.com])

Wow, that's the ultra special stupid wank, there. It goes well with the crazy Kara/Lee shippers messing their panties at the very mention of Kara/Leoben in a poll.

Fandom entitlement, the crazy-sauce on our daily bread.

Julia, possibly incoherant from the insomnias

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Your icon? Must have been Mpoetess. :D

Oh, fandom. SO freaking crazy!! I love how people can't even stomach ideas, to the point where They Must Be Heard!!

[cityphonelines.livejournal.com]

I demand this Eve/Spike/Kendra/Warren fic. DEMAND IT.

I had no idea Lee and I were stepping into an insane fandom, they looked so boringly normal from the window.

[southernbangel.livejournal.com]

Dude, me either! What the fuck did we get ourselves into? One bright spot: the insane fangirls who are bitching are not on my flist so yay for that. The OTH fans that are on my flist are sane. I'm pretty sure. Hahaha.

[pernickety.livejournal.com]

Elizabeth/That dude, you know the one? Yeah, him. could never happen and you know it! That dude, you know the one? Yeah, him. is in love with Barbossa and to even consider him with Elizabeth is a grave offense to the delicate sensibilities of all good people. Burn, you witch. Burn. You'll bring the wrath of God on us and the crops will rot in the fields.

I love fandom so much it hurts. ♥

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

No, not the crops!!!!!

*rewrites it to be Sparrington, because let's face it: it's the One True Pairing*

[mpoetess.livejournal.com]

Also, Dee fights her in a vat of oil for Adama's love.

COULD YOU JUST WRITE THAT PART PLZ?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Why is there no Kara/Dee cat fight fic? Then they can start blissfully making out and Lee can watch all nervous and sad to be excluded. :D

[southernbangel.livejournal.com]

Summary: Nathan goes to jail for beating Haley (she still loves him, though, no worries!) and becomes Schillinger's bitch. Haley has to come up and let Schillinger "spoon" her to get all the white supremacists to quit it with Nathan. Brooke comes, too, and offers herself up, which leads Haley to realize how hot Brooke is. They bust Nathan out of jail and have hot three way sex which leads to babies, and they all go shopping to decorate the nursery (described in two whole chapters with links to stuff I registered for, LOL) and they all cry and eat ice cream a lot, then love the babies and are perfect parents for ever. And they never tell the babies about daddy being in jail for beating a mommy.

Okay, now that is the greatest story ever. I particularly like the part with the links to your registry.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I felt the original was missing a little something. Oh, and I'll have PayPal links at the end so I can buy all the stuff from the story!!

[huzzlewhat.livejournal.com]

Also, they feed each other ice cream and cry a lot.

I think I've read that fic.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*gasps!*

Oh, I hope I haven't plagiarized someone!! ;)

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

There's some outbreak of stupid being heaped upon southernbangel for wanting to write a fictional story about fictional people in a fictional setting and how this is WRONG and AWFUL and DISRESPECTFUL.

WTF? I don't even know anything about OTH and I want to read that on general principle now. Why is fandom so utterly insane? (I know, I know, I didn't comment on your polygamy posts (because I seriously couldn't utter a single word for shock) but THIS gets me to comment...)

Clem/Snyder? DO IT. Meanwhile, here's some Snyder/Angel (http://www.ck.mk.btinternet.co.uk/stories/fever.html) for you.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I know, right? Same here.

And Snyder/Angel!! *bookmarks* That's hilarious. Let's see... I've written the Jolly Green Giant and Hulk, Snyder and the Mayor (an mpreg!) and Chewbacca/Yoda.

I'm clearly not the person to cast stones. :D

[brunettepet.livejournal.com]

Wait. Just posting the idea for a fic started the wank? WTF? Disrespectful? Just don't read the completed story if you don't care for the premise, people.

I'm delighted your PSA turned into a cautionary tale in the BSG 'verse. Bonus points for Kara and Dee wrestling in oil.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I know!!! How hilarious is that?! She's getting people begging her to NOT write it. WOWEE.

Chief Tyrol will get mad at them for wasting oil, you know, with them being on the run with low resources, but then I'll think he'll have a laugh because it's all in good fun. And hot. :D

[brutti-ma-buoni.livejournal.com]

I cast you out of Jossverse fandom for your Eve/Spike/Kendra/Warren perversion of the One True Faith that is Eve/Kendra/Adam.
What do you mean, they never met? It's DESTINY, woman.

Also, the world needs a ficathon along these lines. Short fic, I feel...

If I actually knew what the fandom was (One Tree Hill, yes? On The Helicopter? Off Turnip Highway??) and had ever had closer contact with southernbangel than leaving comments on the same post, I would be over there bashing heads now in her defence. Over an unwritten piece of kink, I admit, but good grief, sometimes you need the sanity police to call.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

ADAM! Dammit, that's so much better. Curse you woman!!

One Tree Hill, but your titles are far better. I don't know the show from a hole in the ground, but for Pete's sake, how ridiculous!!

[bastardsnow.livejournal.com]

"Fandom: Star Wars
Pairing: Anakin/Padme/C3P0"

OMG I HATE U, every1 nows padme and jar jar belong together their luv is truuu. I sware if u right this i wont read anything else u ever right cuz it will bring me back 2 teh thought of this fic which is abnormal and gross and an insult to padme/jj fans and its obvius you dont even watch the movies zomg! ill never rede your storys agen!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

OMigod, you are such a hor, becazu jaR Jar was so into Qui Gon, and you are making them out to be non-exittent lovers and they WER SO IN LOVE and had underwtaer babies that got eaten up by FISH and you can see if it you slow the frame down and u are NO FAN.

*Crie*

[copykween.livejournal.com]

Oh gawd, people just need to STFU and move the fuck along if they don't like something. It's FAN FICTION for crying out loud!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

FERSERIOZ.

[redbrickrose.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHAHA *wipes away tears of glee*

I would read any of these in a heartbeat.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Which is why I love you most of all, Scarecrow. *gives you Tin Man's brains, too*

[tabaqui]

You are so *disrespectful* and horrible and *rude* and you obviously don't care about...anyone anywhere ever!!
*flails*
*defriends*



I have bookmarked SB's lj so i can check back for her threesome fic and read the hell out of it. :)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

you know what? YOU KNOW WHAT?! I'm a REAL fan because I'm going to explore things the WRITERS didn't even think about, and I'm better than THEM and I know MORE about the characters than their creators, so STFU. *cries and sock puppets*

Hahaha, man, I will post a link to that story for all to read, wheee! \o/

[essene.livejournal.com]

Keey-rist. Who are these people?

I had to go and read the crazy because...well, I just can't believe what goes on in people's brains sometimes (which is why fandomwank is so awesome!).

And even though I don't do OTH, I commented out of solidarity. If someone ever told me what I could or couldn't write because it would be "disrespectful" to the fictional character? OMG. My brain would explode.

Also, I want to read the BtVS one merely because of the phrase "cold sperm shakes" Yeah. \o/

BTW, I love you and you're fantastic and I missed you while you were on vay-kay, and I'm sorry about the 1st night of red carpet and I hope your knee is feeling better (*kisses it*) and HI!!!!!!!!!!! *glomp*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh, you HAVE to read the crazy! It's so fun, first off, and life-affirming in a strange, "at least I'm not them" way.

Mmmm, cold sperm shakes! I think Kendra will say it reminds her of silken tofu...

I LOVE YOU TOO, BAYBEE, and pay it know mind, because we are like *fistheart* and I have you with me IN SPIRIT. *kisses you full on the lips*

[marenfic.livejournal.com]

All right, now that I am well again.

I am sitting down right now to write the following: the first part of the preceding sentence is true

Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: one of any number of dead girls/Dean
Summary:Dean has a horrible secret- he can't get enough of cold clammy girlflesh (bonus points for minor tissue decay, especially in the vaginal area- --mmmm, squishy!). Now he's met the girl of his dreams, but she isn't dead yet! This is the heartwarming tale of how he lets her bitch-ass die so he can became one with her astral plane. And then they consummate their love in the back of Dean's car. I may also work in an STD, for PSA purposes of course.

[jennem.livejournal.com]

A-HAHAHAHA.

That summary is SO WRONG on SO MANY LEVELS, but I bet the fic would be HILARIOUS. :D

P.S. I think it was the word "squishy" that did me in. :D That's one of those words that should die a horrible death. Especially when its only one word away from "vaginal area." HAHAHA.

[harmonyfb.livejournal.com]

Please spay and neuter your pets.

::sporfles::

I can't even come up with anything, because I'm laughing too, too hard.

Ah, fandom - never change.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hahaha, YAY FOR LAUGHING.

And true that. No matter where you go, it's the same. :D

[anelith.livejournal.com]

But - but - it isn't summer yet! We aren't due for fandom craziness!

You know, it is kind of unseasonally warm out there today...

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hahaha, I forgot that we're revving up before schedule! Either they're over-achievers, or they didn't get the memo: NOT UNTIL JUNE!

[demonqueen666.livejournal.com]

Okay, your list had me laughing (truly, madly, deeply), but I mainly love the the juxtaposition of your latest two entries, like, maybe there are some slightly more important things going on in the world to be mad about?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

<3 <3 <3

um, EXACTLY. This is what gets people up at arms? Not, say... abuse? huh.

[trinfaneb.livejournal.com]

Say what you will about Vern Schillinger, but he always brings something to the party :)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hahahahaha!

Yep, a shiv, a gun, his fists... HEEEEE.

[jerusha]

BWAHAHAHAHA! I love the insanity.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

It almost makes you want to pop popcorn and watch, huh?