stoney321 | Bad Fic and Gud Summries

I was going to post about why I've been absent, blah blah blah, but I have some GOLD to share. Since this this blog is getting more public, whether I want it to or not (hi there, linked on Cracked? Can you guys hire me, pls?) I think I'll keep writing the focus over here.

WARNING: at the end of the summary portion is some bad-fic writing I've come across, and it is not work safe. HOWEVER! Because I realize that a lot of you aren't into dirty words and laughter (which saddens me to my core, those are my favorite things!) I've got them in Invisio-text, meaning you'll need to hit CTRL + A to read it. Safe as kittens! Older posts (if you hit the tags for this one) are NOT WORK SAFE. I'll eventually go back and tweak the naughty words, or something, but for now know this: I cuss, other people cuss, and the internet is filled with Bad Things that I like to laugh at. :)

In my quest to become published, I'm learning the fine art of writing a query, which ultimately is your hook to get someone to read your story. What you are about to read serves as an example of how to NOT WRITE A SUMMARY/QUERY/HOOK. Every thing is exactly as it was written originally, misspellings, crazy punctuation (or lack of) and awesomely bad ideas.

Every Good Story Needs A Good Hook to Sell Itself. These Are Neither of Those Things.

A good girl breaks a school rule and ends up with a humiliating punishment...six weeks of total nudity. Can she survive? Could anyone? (Um.... nudists could?)

I scream alone.

Hm, sorta making this up as I go along... Let's see what happens, shall we?

Kicks in the crotch, punches in the face...what am I missing? (...plot?)

No one ever thought that things would turn out like this. It was just an island with a city. But it wasn't the island or the city they wanted to get away from. It was what was beyond the city. (And... correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't that be THE ISLAND?)

A very strange story. I wish I could tell you more but I can't. Even I don't know what's goin on.

The girl dumbly selected an e-mal and typed in a formal "Hi."

Everything is different. Everyone is different. You are different. I am different. Our beginnings are different. Can we still be the same? (maybe my favorite, because it's so different.)

Jake and Nessie have grown an abusive relationship. What if Nessie has had enough? What about afterwords? Who is Alex? What does Ethan have to do with this story?

After a suspicious accident Franki Sarnage is left to remould her life around her amnesia. Once you throw in giant boys with secrets and strange events with no explanation, Franki finds falling in love and falling off cliffs come hand in hand.

I ran towards the screaming. Feeling the heat rush through my spine and spread out towards my limbs. The lengths of my footfalls increased the tremble down my spine became too much and I jumped into the air, headfirst. (...again, correct me if I'm wrong but if you're standing up, and you jump up, your head can't help but be first, right?)

edwards and bellas graphical moments.

She had never met him, and he had never met her. But as she walked off that plane, he new [sic] then that he was going to marry her one day. And he did. (The end.)

With the girls pregnant, the last thing they need is a murderer stalking them. (I'm going to go out on a limb and say that's generally the last thing ANYONE needs.)

The sweet nectar that was her life filled the room with the delicious aroma. Craving the sweetness, I brought the scent into my lungs, letting my throat burst into flames.

Bella Alice & Rosalie are princess. that were sent away to america because of the stunt they did in the engagement patry. while their best friend tries to help them. as well as medling mary their strap-sisters tries to make them miserable. enjoy! (Okay. You're Bjork holding a stuffed penguin and a statue of a wallaby - now re-read this while tip-toeing through a room of muffins, GO!)

Summery inside! (Good, because I love summer!)

Just another morning right. of course not because something happens.

Bella, Edward, and some freak in a kennel, which i didn't spell right, named Kate, all in the hippie van, a camp chant type thing for pyros, mushrooms, both the drug kind and the...um, edible kind, schizophrenia, and...whatever. What can go wrong?

Edwards ALMOST losses control and TICKED OFF!

This is a story I thought of when Edward said how it was had not to go back and kill them Well it's too late now.

The girl who was forgotten but never really forgotten. When Ileana comes to Forkes She comes carrying a secret that my but the whole town in danger.

A list of hypothesizes in story form.

He bent down to my ear, his lips barely touching it. "If the skies mourn, do not portray your definition of the rain." And with that he vanished out of sight.

In the "Most Romantic Confessions" Category:

"I have found you eerily attractive for a long time now. I have been denying it a long time but now I've just grown to accept it. I might be bi."

In the "I Don't Understand the Obsession With Bovines" Category:

"Dear Dairy, please accept my most sincere apologies..."

"I have never seen anything like it - sure, I have spotted my friends wielding their own, yet mine has a certain design that makes the dairy exquisitely beautiful." (And you have amazingly strong friends, too, if they can hold aloft an entire dairy. And now I'm imagining a re-write of Excalibur: A cow without a king! A king without a cow! Someone's pulled the bull from the stone!)

In the "More Flowery Than Even The Eden Project" Category:

I did not feel the dire want to query him

"Tell me what the rain knows..." and the rain seemed to sparkle in the dark.

I pretended to undergo the poetic personality

He laughed his melodic deep chuckle, "Nowhere of any significance to inform you... If the skies mourn, do not portray your definition of rain." (Ahahaha! <3)

I do not know why he chose to disappear, to have gone from my life eternal

My moods never in the aisle of happiness (Oh dear... AISLE. Clean up, Aisle Woe!)

The rain itself was as luminous as diamonds descending to the ground ever so lightly, and gracefully. It was unusual for rain, for it slaps the ground with a warm temperature

I had also realized that the rain was something he did not want me to portray with my tears

it would rain the astonishing gleams of its diamond way.

Bless her heart. One of her MANY REVIEWS (almost all positive) read "I love it. But I don't understand it. All all. What am I missing?" A wackadoo-to-English dictionary?

And now for something completely different. This is the naughty/not safe for work words. Hit CTRL + A to read it (or click your mouse and highlight, either way.)

In the "OH MY GOD STOP! STOP!! *cries*" Category:

"I want to mate with you.." Calvin blushed (yes, THAT Calvin)
Wait, what?"
"I love you so much, I want to show you how much I love you, how much I appreciate how you've cared for me over the years, and been there for me. Now I want to be there for you."

Stoney note: TRY SAYING IT WITH FLOWERS, DUDE. Or a plate of cookies. Call me a traditionalist... But wait, there's more.

Hobbes was nearly crying (us, too) as Calvin's hesitation was like a thousand stabs to his heart. He felt like his world was tearing apart, lest his old childhood friend fucked him in the ass, right then and there.

[...]

Calvin's penis contracted five spasms [...] He filled Hobbes to his stomach with his loving cum. He filled his ass. And he filled both of their hearts.

NO. That is not how love works. I don't think any child wants to hear, "When a boy and his imaginary friend love one another, he tears open a seam and pulls out some stuffing..." Someone needs to ground that author. Also, I think that passage filled my heart. With lead. Nope that was just the gun I shot myself with.

In the "You can't tell but I'm making faces at you, Author" Category:

She felt Spike's semen leave a sticky trial along the insides of her thighs. (Honestly, it was more of a tribulation, but that word was too long, I guess.)

perspiration set up residence under her arms and across her brow like an inmate waiting to be executed on death row (WHAT?)

exploding inside her mouth like an atomic bomb (that, my friends, is some powerful sperm. And now I have the horrible image of that photograph from the Vietnam war with the little girl covered in napalm, and those aren't two pillows AUGH! Friends don't let friends set off nuclear spooge in their mouths. Or something.)

he burrowed into her like a gofer (are we talking a glorified intern here, or just a standard issue, competent assistant? I just ask for visual clarity.)

[she] saw his impressive cock in its limb state (what was REALLY impressive, though, was the tire swing hanging from the limb, Hey-O!)

Some people should not be allowed to communicate with the outside world.

Guys, I think we all need to portray our definition of the rain today. I've got white grease paint and a shrinking box, come on! [/Marcel Marceau's]