I tell you sad tales of myself for your amusement and mockery

[stoney321]

Yesterday, while loading into the Monster Truck (my husband's Man Ride on Massive Wheels, aka: the back reaches my chest, and I'm 5'6") 11 fifty pound bags of compost (that totals 550 pounds, aka a quarter ton) I did something horrendous to my lower back. Like, the root of my back and my bum muscles. Oh my GOD I have never experienced pain like that. Now, I hoist stuff like that all the time, just not into that high of a trailer. Also, it was 95 degrees. I soaked in Epsom salts, took a naproxen, a few glasses of wine, and rubbed some capascin-based muscle relief gel into the sore spot. That's the important part. [eta] Guys. I OWN the cream. I use the cream and have for years. It's designed for mucles. Keep reading....

Since I was all clean when I went to bed because of the nice soak in the tub, and since I knew that I was going to get dirty today while spreading that compost, I didn't shower TODAY. I'm very good about sunscreen, for those who might want to give me their life history. (don't.) Anyhoo, while spreading the compost gently around all of my strawberry plants I began to notice a sensation in my.... tukus. I'm sitting on the driveway in thick shorts. I touch the sidewalk with my hand, it's warm, duh, but not blistering.

I flex my muscles, shift, and wriggle back into a comfy position and after a few minutes OH MY DEAR SWEET NEFERTITI MY ASS IS ON FIRE.

Wanna know why? Capascin cream. Hot sidewalk. Sunshine. My butt is blistering red and so sore. I've got my computer on the bar so I can stand and write. I'm going to float in a cold bathtub once I'm cooled off.

My butt! My butt! My butt is on fire, say, we don't need no water, let the fire get higher! NO, please, no.

In other news, my garden is all tucked away for the summer heat, I picked well over 4 pints of strawberries with more on the way, and my SPF 75 did such a good job that I have a stripe on my face from where I didn't spread it in all the way on my forehead, lol. I'm a mess, hahaha. (And a cold shower + aloe vera = all betters. Mostly. Hee.)

Comments

[dwivian]

Instead of laughing at you, I'll ask how you take care of strawberry plants... We have a bed of them, and I get 4-10 berries a year. Is it the size of the bed? What should I be treating them with (organics, pref) to maximize crop? Should I avoid strange creams on my back before working with them?

I was going to put mulch (cedar chips) under the leaves to protect the plants a bit more from the Georgia heat, but I've not decided yet....

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

It takes about two years for strawberry plants to get established, then they'll go crazy nuts. Yes, you DEFINITELY want to mulch underneath them, cedar is great because it discourages ants. I have my strawberry plants tucked in around other plants along the driveway, so they're crammed in there, which is fine for strawberries - they don't need room to produce, which is why things like strawberry pots were used by city folks.

If you have fish emulsion, spritz that on every 7 days - I'm a big fan and use it on my entire garden every Saturday morning.

And yes, avoid strange food-based creams AT ALL TIMES. Hee.

[thebratqueen.livejournal.com]

I love you even if you are trying to give yourself leprosy.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

THANK GOODNESS. I did remove a few square yards of flesh, so hopefully these homemade corn husk grafts will take off...

[a-mistletoe.livejournal.com]

Capascin I thought, in my British way, sounds like Latin for pepper. Did she put chilli on her butt? Then I looked at the link and discovered.... SHE DID! Ha ha ha. sorry to laugh at your pain Ha ha ha.

Only because it's not me. Ha ha ha. sorry I'm tickled as opposed to being in deep pain.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Even better, Capascin is what makes chilis HOT. But, it's fantastic for muscle aches, and I've used it with success in the past. Um, just never on my tush, and never sat on hot cement, thus increasing the degree of heat on said tush by a thousand degrees.... HEEEEEEEEEE.

[altyronsmaker.livejournal.com]

okay, wait. Please tell me you KNEW that Capsacin cream would do that? I mean, you're YOU! You KNOW about this stuff! It's the burning ingredient in hot peppers!

BUT! OMG. That stings me, and I'm down here in FL. Yikes. Take a bath - add a little vinegar to your lukewarm - not cold - water (bout half a cup) to neutralize the acid of the Capsacin and to stop the burning. Oh gosh. A burned booty has got to be three things: inconvenient, painful, and embarrassing. *pets*

also: the captcha that I have to type in to post this on your journal? "lusts promptu" I KNOW you had something to do with that!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I knew that capascin would heat up the muscle, yes. Which is why I use it all the time on my muscle aches. I put it on last NIGHT.

Didn't think about sitting on sidewalk TODAY with residue that's well over 12 hours old on my tush. I can't imagine how bad it would have been if it had been fresh, lol.

(I got it all under control with a proper shower and aloe, thanks.)

[a2zmom.livejournal.com]

I always thought you had a hot ass but I didn't mean it literally!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

Keep your eyes peeled for a delivery of the INTERNET, which you have won.

[z-k.livejournal.com]

the story is hilarious of course, though sorry for your burned butt. Still, humour helps. And maybe some cooling lotion too.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha, thank you for your sorry and sympathy for my stupidity. :D

My aloe plants saved me again, woot!

[outsideth3box.livejournal.com]

*shakes head*

Your poor fiery butt.

OTOH: fresh strawberries! MegaYum!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, it was FLAMING. Like a Liza Minelli impersonator at Carnival. :D

[jennem.livejournal.com]

Yikes! Talk about a muscle cream nightmare.

FYI: When my ass gets chapped, etc., due to running & the weather, I use A&D ointment (you can find it in the diaper aisle). It might help for your inadvertent exposure to the capascin cream.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

My old school aloe plant did the trick - I just needed to get the cream washed off. Last night I tried taking my contacts out an hour after rubbing the cream in and I about burned out my eyeballs. You'd THINK I would have learned my lesson...

[slackerace.livejournal.com]

This? is why I don't garden. Well, not really, but it's a good excuse as any!! That said, you have my sympathies both on the sunburn and the back pain.

And I have never heard the "let the fire get higher" version. Is that the radio edit? My version (heard in dance clubs) is this:

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire.
We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn.
Burn, motherfucker, burn!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Ahahahahaha, NICE EXCUSE THAT DOESN'T WASH WITH ME, MISSY. Heeee.

And the thing is, I'm not sunburned, it's red from being heated up from the cream + the heat in the cement. YOW.

And yes, har, that's the radio edit. :D

[entrenous88.livejournal.com]

You and your smokin' hot booty!

Really, you should be wriggling around your living room right now purring, "I got ch-ch-choo Steam Heat!"

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Heeeeee, it may have been smoking! I may have been sending smoke signals with all that hopping and bopping, too, HEEE.

LOL, that makes me think of Alissa Milano's Teen Steam work out videos, heee!

I have fresh heirloom tomatoes, basil, and i'm going to pick up some buffalo mozzarella to make a caprese salad for my lunch, NOM.

[mumsisdaughter]

Ouch! I have suffered both and know exactly what you mean. The lower back pain still grabs me from time to time. The 'horse linament' is applied VERY carefully.

There's nothing to beat strawbwerries and cream: Wimbledon is upon us!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I've never hurt my back before, so this was a wallop I didn't see coming. I blame that truck being so much higher than my SUV. ;)

Oh man, my BFF uses that and yeah, she says the same thing. (That and Bag Balm are the two ointments that are her go-to's. Once a livestock gal, always a livestock gal. :D)

I have some cream! Oooh, I also have some sour cream, I might need to make some creme fraiche....

[ethrosdemon.livejournal.com]

OH SHIT THIS SOUNDS LIKE PUTTING ICY HOT ON YOUR GENITALS TO "INCREASE" PLEASURE.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

IT IS NOT UNLIKE THAT AT ALL. IN FACT, ADD LAYING YOUR GENITALS ON A HOT SKILLET AND YOU'VE JUST ABOUT GOT THE SENSATION.

I should have coated my butt in York Peppermint Patties...

[dovil.livejournal.com]

Damn it! Post when I'm about so I can get in first with the Hot Ass comment. Foiled again!

If it makes you feel any better an ex got his wang stuck in a drawer (!!) and put Deep Heat on it(!!!!!). If you thought you felt bad...

What was the SPF of your sunscreen? I have an Aunt that only used SPF 450 and she ended up with her face falling off from the weight of all the tumours. Have you done anything about the alcoholism yet?

[a2zmom.livejournal.com]

You've got to get up early in the morning to beat me when it comes to a hot ass comment....

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

Owwwwwwwwwww. Also, R beat us all to the Hot Ass comment. Woe. And D beat me to a random Stoney Drinks! comment. I am slow.

I am having the best giggles out of the image of you feeling your ass on the sidewalk, though, all befuddled as to why you would suddenly have the fire down below.

This is EXACTLY how I pictured you on your week of You-ness. Hobbling around the house, leaning your butt against Sally now and again, soaking in the tub and cursing the universe.

And now I want strawberries.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

If there had been smoke coming out, I would have been making Buggs Bunny-style S.O.S.s with it.

Hahahahha, that's pretty much how my weekend has gone, plus booze. YAY!

[jerusha]

Oh, no! I hope you feel better soon!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

A cold shower and some aloe left me right as rain, no worries! :D

[rikibeth.livejournal.com]

OMG! I have a related story, NSFW, about the time my ex ate habanero peppers at a party before we went to bed.

Oops.

If it's still hurting when the aloe vera wears off, you could try putting milk in the bathtub. Milk cuts the capsaicin burn!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

You forget I'm from Texas - that's why you keep a roll of TP in the freezer, cookie. :D

The aloe did the trick in minutes, no worries! I'm telling you, aloe is my cure-all for everything. And its cousin, tequila (aka agave) is my second cure-all. Heh.

[siapom.livejournal.com]

omg That's awful! *offers you lots of ice*

Capsaicin is evil. EVIL! As a word of caution... I once put it on my back, washed my hands at least three or four times and went to bed. Before falling asleep, I made the mistake of blowing my nose. Oh for the love of all that ever has been or may be Holy, did that fucking HURT! My nose burned as though it were on fire for most of the night. I finally wet paper towels in ice water and stuffed wads of it up each nostril in order to temporarily relieve the pain. (So much for breathing freely and getting a good night's sleep, right? Ugh.) Anyway, with that background info, please know that you have my most sincere sympathies. :(

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

....so you missed the comment where I talked about taking out my contacts after rubbing in the cream? Oy.

You know, you'd think that stuff would have opened up your sinuses wide! Huh. All that pain for nothing, BOO, I say! *hugs*

[kiltmama.livejournal.com]

for the love of all that is holy....i am pretty sure that my abs just got a better workout than you and your px90bazillion (or whatever the hell it is) will ever get!!! The spicy ass cream and all the comments are about to make me pee my pants!!

Stoney, i'd lurve to just follow you around and witness the insanity that is your life first hand.

i think i love you, but what am i so afraid of??

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

You're afraid you are not sure of a love there is no cure for! :D

Hopefully the insanity that is my life will not always be so. I mean, there's only so much this poor little body could take! Maybe if I could become twins... Hee.

[kdorian.livejournal.com]

I laugh at you, but only because I have done the equivalent to myself.

Of course, these days I remind myself that, for some reason known only to god, cooking with hot sauce makes my eyes itch but I must not rub them even so!

[moosesal.livejournal.com]

Bwahahaha! I'm sorry to laugh at your pain, but... ahahahah!

I love you. *rubs ice on your booty*