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stoney321
This really is the last I'll post about all of this hot mess.I want to say how proud of us I am. How proud of the women that know that a large part of what makes us strong women is our sense of nurturing, our ability to love and to care for others. I'm not saying men can't feel this, but guys, y'all have had the reins for a few millennium, this is our time, our time! Down here! [/random Goonies reference, lol.]
The one thing to come out of the original talks about what happened 2 years ago at a fan convention that has now escalated into a more universal discussion on what women face every day is that we are finally talking about the shit that has been done to us WITHOUT GUILT OR SHAME. Because we have nothing to feel guilty about. Please reread that. If you had something DONE to you, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Would you feel guilty if a bird pooped on you? You'd feel gross, but guilty? Of course not, that's absurd. So why should you feel guilty that someone has done something to you? I'm here to tell you YOU SHOULDN'T. That those lessons you were taught that made you feel that way were WRONG.
And that was the whole point of my original post, that people who make another person feel "uncomfortable" [more on that word in a minute] or afraid or scared have done something wrong. THEY have. Not you. We all haven't been taught to stand tall. To roll our heads on our shoulders and toss out a sassy "Oh no you di'int!" Why the hell do you think Queen Latifah had to write a song called UNITY? Because "you gotta let 'em know you ain't a bitch or a ho." If you don't know that song, guuuuurl, you need to LISTEN. (Video could be triggering. Lyrics, then? "You put your hands on me I'll put your ass in handcuff, who you callin' a bitch?" I fucking love her.)
I've been public about things in my life. I married an abuser. I left that abuser, the current (and only) Mr. is quite a lovely man. When I left my first husband, my father told me to not tell anyone that I'd been hit, because then.... Well. People wouldn't think well of me. (Please forgive the man, he LITERALLY grew up in a barn. He knows better now.) We all have stories like that. I've been raped and kidnapped. Please tell me how I can take responsibility for my personal choices in not having swords for hands to cut rope. True, I could have been more diligent in seeking out a nuclear power plant in hopes of gaining radioactive spidey powers, but... Gosh, I've learned my lesson. I now drink straight Malathion shakes, wish me luck!
We as women use the word "uncomfortable" to mean A LOT of things, don't we? It can mean that friggin' tag on our bra strap all the way to some jackass rubbing your butt on the subway and there's nowhere to go. That's pretty goddamn uncomfortable. We have been raised to use nice words, to be polite, to not complain, and yes, even those of us that are motorcycle hard asses with "Mama Didn't Love Me" tattoos on our arms. We all have that ingrained in us from media, society, etc. But we're learning. We aren't "bitchy" if we ask for better service or to be treated fairly. We're just asking to be treated fairly. But not all of us have come to that point in our lives where we CAN ask for those things. To not be touched. To not be talked to in some way. To not let someone JUDGE US because we didn't have the strength (or sword hands) to fight back.
If you try to derail the REAL TOPIC AT HAND by trying to rephrase the discussion to terms that suit your agenda, you are doing something horribly wrong and you need to quit, think, and maybe apologize.
My name is Laura. I've been molested by more than one person, I've been raped, and I've been beaten. And I didn't do shit to deserve any of it. And I will fucking cut you with my (hopefully regenerating) sword hands if you ever try and paint me as a victim, or as someone that should feel shame for not taking "personal responsibility" to get out of those situations when I didn't know HOW. Rhonda, Jerry, Carlos and Zach deserve that shame, not me. Not EVER me. And not ever you, please believe it. Anyone that sides with abusers (or hey, that doesn't side with someone that's been hurt) is a Class A jerkwad, imo.
I am so proud of us. WE ARE STRONGER TOGETHER, GUYS. I'm totally bawling now, but it's because this is so raw (I know it is for so many of you, but let's pull that diseased thorn OUT.) GOONIES NEVER DIE. :)
[ETA] And see? Good things can come out of reasonable discourse.
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Date: 2010-05-11 01:51 pm (UTC)Yes, yes, yes!
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Date: 2010-05-11 01:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-11 01:55 pm (UTC)I've been crying on and off since last night about all this bullshit, but only some of it has been sad/angry tears, because the rest are just- godamn, I am proud of you and all of us and how strong we are together.
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Date: 2010-05-11 01:57 pm (UTC)Seriously, I am so fucking proud of what is becoming the outcome here: voices are FINALLY being heard, people are FINALLY pulling out those rotten, festering thorns, and squaring their shoulders.
I love you, babe, and I think you're pretty bad ass.
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Date: 2010-05-11 01:57 pm (UTC)Thank you for this, seriously. Thank you for articulating what many of us go through but are unable to talk about ourselves. Thank you.
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Date: 2010-05-11 01:59 pm (UTC)*hugs back*
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Date: 2010-05-11 02:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-11 02:10 pm (UTC)(You might be interested in my eta, btw.)
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From:no subject
Date: 2010-05-11 02:18 pm (UTC)I'm a four-time sexual assault survivor, and yes, yes, yes and yes. I have had a lot of therapy; I am older and wiser than I once was; I have a wonderful network of powerful friends who support me - and yet I *still* tense for victim-blaming when I tell someone new about my life. I'm at a point in my recovery where I don't let that stop me, but there's still a cost - a physical, emotional, mental, stomach-pounding, body-memory-paining cost - which is just one of the many reasons why I am so freaking happy and grateful and proud to meet any woman where she's at, to ringingly endorse her protective silence or her shouting from the rooftops or anything in between.
Of to post something very similar to your penultimate paragraph in my own journal, because someone, somewhere, needs to hear that today.
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Date: 2010-05-11 02:22 pm (UTC)"because someone, somewhere, needs to hear that today." AMEN, SISTER.
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2010-05-11 02:22 pm (UTC)Fuck the assholes who are too stupid to see otherwise. Nobody needs them anyway.
Plus I'm really hoping you do figure out how to get regenerating sword hands and will teach me how to do it!
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Date: 2010-05-11 02:24 pm (UTC)And really, it's not about me, it's about the shaming of others. I can't stand by for that shit, you know? <3
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From:Thank you
Date: 2010-05-11 02:23 pm (UTC)Guilt is a huge issue in my life, as is not passing the abuse along to others. I know that I need to be mindful of pretty much everything I do, and say, and type into the internets. Hopefully other people will try to realize the kind of effect they might have on others.
But just to say it again, thank you for speaking out. I know so many women and men who just can't verbalize or acknowledge what has happened to them, and that silence is so damaging.
Re: Thank you
Date: 2010-05-11 02:33 pm (UTC)And really, everyone that is sharing their stories, speaking maybe for the first time, or just supporting other people are pretty bad ass in my book. <3
(no subject)
From:Re: Thank you
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Date: 2010-05-11 02:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-11 02:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-11 02:37 pm (UTC)I am so proud of us. WE ARE STRONGER TOGETHER, GUYS.
I'm all choked up because it's so true.
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Date: 2010-05-11 02:43 pm (UTC)IT REALLY IS. <3 <3 <3
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Date: 2010-05-11 02:38 pm (UTC)I'm really crying right now. ♥ x 1,000,000.
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Date: 2010-05-11 02:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-11 02:39 pm (UTC)I came to this discussion late and have been reading to catch up. This post and others of yours on this topic have been wonderful to read. I'm extremely fortunate to have never been a victim of sexual assault, but the idea that we shouldn't protect the weakest of us both saddened and angered me. We all want to live in a world where men respect boundaries and women stand up to them when they don't, but we aren't there yet. It's heartening to know that should I or any one of my loved ones find themselves in such a horrific situation, that there are many out there that would step forward and offer support.
Every now and again my faith in humanity gets restored. This is one of those times.
Thank you.
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Date: 2010-05-11 02:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-11 02:44 pm (UTC)Thank you, Stoney. ♥
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Date: 2010-05-11 02:56 pm (UTC)Thank YOU.
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Date: 2010-05-11 02:52 pm (UTC)I've been drowning in personal stuff the past week and haven't had the time or energy to give this situation the attention I've wanted but I've read the UFB write-up, your posts and the ones written in response to the comments in your posts.
I'm sad that there are people out there like the ones who caused all the issues at WinCon, I'm horrified that there are people out there who support them or think for a second that we live in a world where the opportunity or power to speak up is always an option. But I'm so glad that there are people like you and everyone else who has given a rational, intelligent and strong voice to why this is so wrong and what it's like to be a woman in these circumstances.
I could share my own stories but I won't right now. I know what it's like to have my option to say stop taken from me and I never want a single person to have to go through that. But it's real and it's not something we can change by saying it doesn't exist.
Once again, thank you.
(icon meant in the best way) :D
Date: 2010-05-11 02:57 pm (UTC)Thank you for adding your voice, sweets.
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2010-05-11 02:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-11 02:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-11 02:55 pm (UTC)When I was 9 or so, I was playing with two of my cousins at my grandmother's house. We were all a bit old for hide-and-seek (I was the youngest, my cousins were 11 and 14.) My older cousin pulled me to hide behind one of Granny's guest beds, fell on top me, rubbed himself against me and whispered, "Suzy, we're lovers." It wasn't even the physical act that bothers me years later, it was that whisper, as if I agreed with the statement. I shoved him away, ran into the living room to tell my grandmother and my Granny, my wonderful, wise Granny who raised me at times said, "Well, I told you you're too big to be playing with those boys, anyhow." And then she looked at my chest, which was already bursting out of the A-cup training bra I was wearing.
You know exactly what I felt. MY FAULT. Guilty. Embarrassed. And I shut right up about it and didn't tell anyone until I told my husband almost 20 years later. But the event and my grandmother's reaction crawled under my skin and lived there for a long time.
Even worse, though not first hand, was when a close friend was groped and fondled at a Baptist Church lock-in when she was 15 (I was 17.) I was braver then, and I marched her off to one of our female sponsors and we reported what had happened. The guy was questioned (in front of us!!!) and he looked at my friend, who was young and overweight and insecure and innocent and said, "HER? I wouldn't touch her fat-ass if you paid me!" The sponsor took my friend aside and said that the boy had a girlfriend and was older (17) and that maybe she had a crush on him and had made it up and that often "girls who are HEAVY and aren't as lucky" do things like that. That was a woman who said that, Laura. A grown-ass (40+) "Christian" woman.
So the personal responsibility bleaters can kiss my ass (my 9 year-old ass, my 17 year-old ass, and my 40 year-old ass.) I sat by my friend that in the back of my Dad's truck and waited for her mom to pick her up. Nothing happened to the guy, of course, but I believed her, I raged with her. We're Facebook friends now, and she's a patient advocate for elderly rape survivors (in nursing homes, etc.) That's pretty powerful, amazing stuff.
Oh, and I've been telling you this for years, but: I LOVE YOU AND YOUR BIG BRAVE SQUISHY HEART.
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Date: 2010-05-11 03:00 pm (UTC)And HOLY SHEEP SHIT to the "overweight" girl commentary with a big ol' FuuuuuUUUuuuuUUUuck YOoooooooooou!
And you know I love you, and that I think you are kick ass, loving, sweet, and please, no one comes close to having hair like you. I know what's important. ;)
(no subject)
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Date: 2010-05-11 03:04 pm (UTC)I have spent years straightening all my own shit out. I don't consider myself a victim. I'm a survivor.
and I just love you to pieces.
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Date: 2010-05-11 03:22 pm (UTC)I LOVE YOU.
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Date: 2010-05-11 03:16 pm (UTC)Really? REALLY?
That's some serious-ass victim blaming going on there. People suck.
Also, why I haven't said anything yet is because, well, my head just can't wrap around it. I can't, especially with my current emotional state of laid-offness.
And weirdly enough it's dragging up an incident from the murky past that I had honestly forgotten about. I wasn't hurt, but it was definitely a threatening situation where I kind of froze. I'm not normally triggered, but this was a situation that was somewhat similar to the one described. Thank God people believed me after the fact and took appropriate action like the ConCom in my case.
Sorry for whittering in your LJ.
I just want to say, rock on you Crazy Diamond. Because THIS. And all you're related posts on the subject. Just THIS.
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Date: 2010-05-11 03:24 pm (UTC)I know that a LOT of folks are feeling that murky past bobble around, trying to pop all the way up, so you're not alone. ANd THAT is why I think it's so important to remind everyone that if it comes up, if you face it, if you have to look at those memories, filter it with the lens of YOU ARE NOT GUILTY.
Whitter on all you want, the more we talk about it, the less power it has over us, imo.
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Date: 2010-05-11 03:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-11 03:25 pm (UTC)I hope more people learn this about themselves, you know? I had to work haaaaaaard to learn it myself, it would have been much easier if someone just told me. :)
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2010-05-11 03:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-11 03:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-11 03:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-11 03:58 pm (UTC)We'll see. And tell Bryn that everytime I see "Tell me that I don't know anything, I dare you" I get fucking chills and a lump in my throat.
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Date: 2010-05-11 03:46 pm (UTC)To quote another awesome song from The Queen:
"Hey! My name ain't 'YO,' and I ain't got your baby!"
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Date: 2010-05-11 03:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-11 03:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-11 04:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-11 03:54 pm (UTC)You are quite possibly one of the most amazing people I have ever met. Thank you for sharing your story and strength.
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Date: 2010-05-11 04:00 pm (UTC)I will gladly share my strength if it helps anyone, good lord, it's NOT HARD TO DO.
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Date: 2010-05-11 04:10 pm (UTC)♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
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Date: 2010-05-11 04:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-11 04:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-11 04:16 pm (UTC)