Oh joy!! More Bad(great!)fic!! (It's what I really wanted for Christmas)

[stoney321]

Since everyone in LJ-land is off doing WHATEVER it is when you aren't entertaining me, I had to amuse myself. By reading FOUR bad!fic stories. Don't kid yourself and think I wasn't having fun. I got out my pad of paper and a pen and recorded the best of the worst to share. I'm so happy!!


In the "you really haven't had sex before, huh?" category:

• "Buffy blinked quickly as Spike's voice managed to make her clit pucker." I think this chick read "lips" and really thinks it IS a mouth. Probably not a good idea to associate "sour" with a vagina. Just sayin'...


• "'Aggghnnngggnn...ahggnnnnnnnn' Buffy replied." Sweetie, someone needs to put a wallet on her tongue. She's clearly having a seizure.


• "Her body jerked and twitched like a broken electric cable." So Spike promptly called the power company and had someone discard of her, since he remembered the PSAs of his youth regarding broken power lines.

In the "Best(Worst) attempt to turn me, the reader, on" category:

• "cream colored dew" Mountain Dew tried to "energize" milk and market it, but it failed miserably. But Buffy kept a bottle.


• "her ridiculously wet pussy" I mean, come on, Buffy. You kidding me with that pussy? Get a frickin' panty liner, for hell's sake. It's ridiculous!


• "After Buffy finished her stripe [sic] tease, a guy patted her on the behind. Spike saw it then beat the guy unconscious. The defining moment made Buffy realize Spike was the jealous possesive type. [no, you don't say?] She knew he cared for her. She looked into those blue soul-filled eyes and the need to chastise him was long forgotten." There is so much wrong here, I barely know where to begin. I wonder if his soul-filled eyes had flecks of blood on them? Silly Spike, giving someone a concussion for Buffy!! Now make my pussy ridiculously wet! Also, I wonder if a stripe tease meant she was drawing wiggly lines or circles?


• "Spike had opened a bottle of lust inside her." It was a fine bottle, 1984, not quite vintage, but had a lovely "Mountain Dew" taste. The bubbles were more irritating than sexy, however. She didn't think he'd ever find the cork...

In the "Oh, Dear God, EWWWW!!" category:

• "Buffy had bever been in love before unless butterflies, constant smiling and perspiration were any indication." CONSTANT PERSPIRATION?? That is fucking HAWT. And her constantly tossing up and a moronic grin means some lucky boy is getting lucky, if he can get over the dripping sweat and vomit. It's fun to play with commas.


• "her pussy still potent with her distinct smell of lust" It was like one part vanilla and three parts wildebeast. And it had been sitting out in the sun, pissed on by a pack of wild skunks, then knocked into a sludge-filled ditch of dead fish. Yet, a note of cherry blossoms linger...


• "'Suck my tongue.' Buffy caught the tender flesh, sucking on it until a blood red hickey appeared." I don't think I've ever heard that particular appendage after "suck my..." But maybe it's just the boys I've been with. Second, a hickey? On a tongue? This is the fourth (you read that right) time she's put that in a fic. Just bite the fucking thing and be done with it.

And in the last (and in my opinion, the most important) category, "You just can't make this shit up:"

• "Seeing his inner beast baring itself to her was animerotic." I HAVE A NEW FAVORITE WORD!! Someone is obviously quite into NC-17 Animorphs fic...


• "Spike has turned Buffy out like a red-hot light." I kinda don't know what this means. I don't think she does, either. Fast and without a second thought? With a light and fast touch so as to not get burned? With revulsion because of the dead bugs gathered at the base?


• "Spike submerged himself in her essence because tasting Buffy was a prerequisite." I think I took that class for my Biology degree: Buffy Poon: 101. What a snooze-fest. Note to author: big words don't make a fic better if you use them wrong. But the image you planted in my mind was so animerotic that I egressed my She-Juice all over the audience of my desire.


• "triggering his explosion of hot, white icing." I prefer buttercream, personally. it's too bad in this AU that Spike wasn't a Prince. Royal icing is pretty. And let me just be frank for a second. Ejaculate tastes like a sweaty hand full of nickels. If it TASTED like icing, well, I would have one in my mouth all the time. Wow. TMI?


• "Spike I...ahnnnuuhhnn...ahhannnnnunnn" "What is it? Talk to me, luv?" HA HA HA HA HA!!! She has this same exchange no less than 5 times in one fic. Are you actually saying those sounds? Don't just read them. It makes it more fun. My cats are looking at me strangely right now.


• "awakening his cock inside its denim prison" Denim Prison, by Calvin Klein^TM Was it in your stocking?


• "he used the threaded end with the belt buckle and slapped it against her wet pussy. Buffy cried out feeling the splashed juices on her inner thigh. The slight sting on her clit..." I'm sorry. SLIGHT? Slight sting? And for God's sake, Buffy Anne Summers. Enough with the ridiculously wet pussy. (I like a good spanking, as much as the next naughty girl, but SLIGHT sting? From a man's belt buckle on the pucker clit? *snerk*)

And my absolute most favorite attempt at poetry within prose from a scene where Buffy makes Spike fuck her on a dirty mattress behind the Bronze while a homeless man watches and claps for them...

• "Old cigarette butts, discarded wrappers, and bottles traveled passed [sic] them from Mother Nature's breath."

Wow. This chick has given me HOURS of happy time.


And now for something completely different: got a card today from violethamster that STILL has me laughing. Jesus' Bar Tips: He makes a drink so good you'd swear it was a miracle! HA HA HA!! I love my flist. (says like Jame Gumb:) I'd love you. I'd love you so hard.

Comments

[slackerace.livejournal.com]

yummy. submerging oneself in another's essence. But, why are you chastising Buffy for her overly wet pu$$y (i hate that word)? She apparently can't help it. It might be a disorder. She may need to see a specialist.


hey, i love your icon!!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hee hee!! I think Buffy MUST have a disorder. Splashing? Certainly Glaxo-Kline-Welcome makes a pill for this...

I've been on an icon frenzy, apparently...

(Doing fine? Move okay? Settled in? Have a Happy new Year!)

[sangpassionne.livejournal.com]

ROTFLMAO!

That is both terrifying and hysterically funny at the same time.

*hands you bottle of bleach*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

isn't that AWFUL? In a completely delicious, pass the time and feel better about your own writing kind of way?

*takes bleach, pours into ear, lays on side*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

BWAH HA HA!! Mating snails are HAWT!!! I just pooled up in my chair all swampy-like.

See, I read this shit so you don't have to. I like to think of it as my public service. Too bad my parole officer doesn't see it that way...

[ex-dovil323.livejournal.com]

There are not even words enough to express how much I'm laughing right now. Oh hang on, ROTFL. That will do nicely.

I want a Spike for my kitchen and I can stand him over my cakes and hold his wanger like a piping bag and decorate them with his tasty cum o icing! And shake him and squeeze his balls really hard to get the last icing out of the bag. Hmmm, would you like tea with your cum cake, Vicar?

Oh, that's just dirty and wrong.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I AM POUNDING ON MY DESK WITH TEARS RUNNING DOWN MY FACE. Oh, Jeebus, the piping bag thing is the funniest thing I think I've ever read. Squeezing the balls!!! Maybe you can feel me pounding on my desk with laughter...

I just love you. I'd love you so hard.

[inlovewithnight.livejournal.com]

Okay, I'm dying now. Where do you FIND these?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

AFFN, bay bee. They should have a tag line: Home of the Best Bad Fic.

*gives you mouth to mouth, ignores looks from your family*

[jstabe.livejournal.com]

Is it wrong to be glad that you had to amuse yourself?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Absolutely not. As I mentioned above, I feel it's my public service to you all. I suffer so you don't have to. Hey! I could be the new Jesus!

[poshcat.livejournal.com]

Holy funny, Batman! So glad you posted this.

I mean, come on, Buffy. You kidding me with that pussy? Get a frickin' panty liner, for hell's sake. It's ridiculous!

Silly Spike, giving someone a concussion for Buffy!! Now make my pussy ridiculously wet!

It was like one part vanilla and three parts wildebeast.

Whoo, let me just catch my breath here.

And let me just be frank for a second. Ejaculate tastes like a sweaty hand full of nickels. If it TASTED like icing, well, I would have one in my mouth all the time. Wow. TMI?

That just may be the funniest thing I've ever read on LJ.

(I like a good spanking, as much as the next naughty girl, but SLIGHT sting? From a man's belt buckle on the pucker clit? *snerk*)

Stoney, I...ahhannnnnunnn. Hee!

Silly Spike, giving someone a concussion for Buffy!! Now make my pussy ridiculously wet!

I've friended you, of course. Badfic and funny relatives. I love you already. :0)

PS Only four picks for the dead pool? Seems a little scant there, missy. What, no Dick Clark??

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I'm working on some more. Dick Clark!! Dammit, that one is almost a sure thing! But the point value is iffy...

Be sure to cry out ahunnunggguunnnhhnnuh next time you writhe and jerk like a broken power cable. Unless you want to be touched again.

If you get bored, I have about nine other posts with this one person's bad fic. She has inspired many icons.

I'll be thinking of soon to be dead celebrities! Just got my Entertainment Weekly, should be chock full of hopefuls.

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

You make me happy.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hee hee!! Hey - you never emailed a PO Box or snail addy for the Spangel CD. It's just sitting on my desk all sad and lonely, no where to go...

[ely-jan.livejournal.com]

Holy shit. I often type LOL but this is the first time I had the wipe the tears from eyes in order to see the screen and enter the letters!

I will worry no longer about the quality of anything I decide to write!

This was as painful as watching the losers tapes from the Americal Idol show! Of course, I just couldn't stop watching those either!

Thanks for being the best fic monitor ever!! (Do you get to wear a snazzy sash like a hall monitor?)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

AHH!! I want a sash! And a sceptre that is really a toilet brush. If you get bored, I have about 9 more of these posts in my memories under Bad(Great!)fic. This one doesn't even TOUCH some of her other stories. Ever wonder where my "she-juice" icon came from?

I wondered about my own writing until I discovered this girl. And she gets feedback!! POSITIVE FB! It's unfathomable.

[tgray.livejournal.com]

Please tell me you're paying someone to write these things! While completely amusing, it's somewhat scary at the same time. This can't be for real, can it? ::blinks::

Thanks for sharing! Hee!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

How could she be paid for something so priceless? Ha! no, she is completely for real, and quite prolific. This one doesn't even TOUCH the really bad ones. I've saved the snarky comebacks in my memories if you get bored, under "Bad(GREAT!)fic."

Example: her orgasm made her vaginal walls snap at his cock like a pissed off aligator.

This is where the "Cream of Cum" and "She-Juice" icons came from. It's just amazingly bad fic.

[violethamster.livejournal.com]

1. I'm sitting with my legs crossed really hard because OW.
2. Not eating any more gingerbread house. Because icing.
3. Icon love!
4. New vocabulary word "animerotic" must be worked into casual conversation from this day forward.
5. It puts the antiperspirant on it's skin or else it gets the hose again! *turns hose on Buffy anyway*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

"Yes it will! Yes it will get the hose!" It's fun calling Buffy "it."

Man, I have missed you around these parts!! It seems that I am not the only one making fun icons... (looks at yours and laughs again)

You have been plundered!

[ely-jan.livejournal.com]

Thanks to your recommendation, your memories have been plundered and I laughed so hard my drink shot out of my nose thus giving me a carbonated lobotomy!

Who is in the most pain? The plundered or the lobotomized?

Thanks for pointing me to the funniest thing I have read in awhile!

Re: You have been plundered!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I tried posting last night, but stoopid LJ wouldn't let me.

Now, when you say funniest thing, I assume that means you haven't read the Wee!Spike series... (conveniently stored in my memories under Wee!Spike) Because those are my crowning glory. Which is kind of sad.

[dusty273.livejournal.com]

*rofl* I'm glad we weren't entertaining enough. I've missed your bad!fic posts so much. They always make me laugh so hard. ;)

*hugs*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*hugs you back*

I'm here to please!!

[mskakaako.livejournal.com]

I finally made it! Checking in on you and I was rewarded with this! Yay! I have to go in a few, but...
BWAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHA!!!!

I HAVE A NEW FAVORITE WORD!!
Me too!!! I just have to check www.dictionary.com first. But, still! Favouritest word-EVAH!!!11eleventyone!11!

I think I took that class for my Biology degree: Buffy Poon: 101. What a snooze-fest.
That freakin' made me snort in a loud and obnoxious way. Heeeeeee!

I love my Stoney! Yes, I do! *mwah*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hello, Moto!! Missed you... And of COURSE you are the one that laughs at the "Buffy Poon:101" line. I had tears on my cheeks while typing that. This chick is the best of the worst EVAH!

I love my Carmen!

Suck my kiss!

[cityphonelines.livejournal.com]

"Old cigarette butts, discarded wrappers, and bottles traveled passed [sic] them from Mother Nature's breath."
*sniffle*
That's so beautiful!
*blows nose honkin' loud*

As far as the icing goes I prefer a nice lemon glace<--the 'e' should have an accent. Y'know the real drizzly kind? Yeah, like that.

Needed. This.

Re: Suck my kiss!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Man, she's writin' poety, she is. And you can just feel her NEED to convey the b'yoo'eeful words as you go along. You can practily hear her wheels turning while you read. SO sad. I want to send her a nice email to help, but then, where will my source material go?

Feeling better? miss you.

[makd.livejournal.com]

found my way here via dovil. I am laughing out loud. My husband and daughter are reminding me that I have a surgery appointment in the a.m. and must be rested, but I just. can't stop. laughing.

I just bookmarked this spot. I know it's gonna help me recuperate. Or open my stitches.

On second thought.....

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Ouchie!! Make sure they give you a few extra pills for pain, then come stay with me. ;D

Oh, I have pa-LENTY of these posts stored up to help you strengthen your belly muscles when the time comes.

(Get better quick, okay?)

[wendylouwho.livejournal.com]

I mean, come on, Buffy. You kidding me with that pussy? Get a frickin' panty liner, for hell's sake. It's ridiculous!

I can't help it, I laugh every time I read that.


"Buffy had bever been in love before unless butterflies, constant smiling and perspiration were any indication."

Does that sentence make sense to anyone but the writer, because I just don't get it.

Thanks for the laughs. I needed that. I love badfic. Not enough to read it myself, that is why I count on fellow LJ'ers to keep me updated. ;-)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Yes, I see my actions here as a public service to folks like you. FOlks that respect their brains too much to fill them with this shite.

Your welcome! ;-)

Spike I...ahnnnuuhhnn...ahhannnnnunnn" "What is it? Talk to me, luv?"

[chantal87.livejournal.com]

The love I have for you rocks harder than Spikes cock awakening inside its denim prison. I feel the need to shower you with gifts and chocolate.
Now I have subject lists for the next 18 to 20 journal entries I post. I cant wait to use the word "animerotic"

Re: Spike I...ahnnnuuhhnn...ahhannnnnunnn" "What is it? Talk to me, luv?"

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh, my god, my husband got me the KNOCK OFF version of the denim prison, by Old Navy. Whatever.

Animerotic is the best new word EVAH.

[anelith.livejournal.com]

I'm so overmedicated right now that these lines are kind of swirling around in my head, making pretty colors... Thanks for the giggles, I needed that!

[vincitveritas.livejournal.com]

You know that feeling you get when you're like, "what?" and then you chuckle for a second and then say "what?" again and laugh really hard because you just can't make sense of whatever may or may not be intentionally funny? Awesome.

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

Dude, you totally held out animerotic on me. You know it would have made me ridiculously wet, and you know I've been LJ anonymous lately and you didn't drop that on me at some point in conversation? Someone's getting a slight sting with a belt during Thunderdome.

[velvetwhip.livejournal.com]

This is without a doubt the most hilarious compendium of bad!fic excerpts I have ever encountered! I am doubled-over with hilarity! Thank you for sharing!


Gabrielle

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hee!! you know, there are nine more of these in my memories, if you need to laugh... Be sure to have bleach (or a good fic) on hand to cleanse your brain afterwards.

[lusciousxander.livejournal.com]

LMFAO! Thank YOU for making me feel way better about my fanfics.

"Her body jerked and twitched like a broken electric cable."

That surely opened the bottle of laughter inside me! LOL!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHAHA! I mean, really. This stuff is GOLD! *clings to the purple prose*

Oh, full disclosure: this sort of thing (these posts) are ALSO why I'm a bully. Flee while you can! *grin*

Your lovely comment made my body explode with hot, white icing. Because I'm actually made of cake frosting. (Shh, don't tell!)

[darsnape-dracul.livejournal.com]

what does [sic] stand for?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

It's Latin for "even so." Or, in other words, "as intended." When someone misspells a word, and you quote it, a [sic] is noted so people don't think YOU misspelled the word. :)