Hooray! More mockumentary!

[stoney321]

My bad!fic writer is back. There are those who would hate me for poking fun at this poor sap, but she won't take any of the helpful criticisms sent her, so... Fair game. And I'm only making fun of her WORDS. Not little puppies. And I feel like being shitty.



I just don't know what some of these things mean, first of all, and I like to think I'm down with all the kewl Scandinavian Slang words.

In the "I've never had sex" category

"Oh, God, Buffy!"
"Ahnnn."
"Buf- Oh, God!"
"Ahhhhannnahh!"
"I'm cumming!"
"Ahnanhahandhannnnhahhanhhh"
"Fuuuu-!"
"Ahhaannahhhannhahahh, ahahhahhh!"

I love this exchange so very, very much. First of all, notice how Buffy slips in "hand" in her third exhale. And I appreciate that she takes a breath and starts up again in the last sentence. Just try saying this out loud. crazydiamondsue and I cracked up over the phone with this one.

In the "I'll never quit cumming -heh- up with weird descriptions for sex!" category

• "he pulsed cream colored I miss yous into her." I have not changed one whit in that sentence from her fic.


• "He possessed a sexual magic that brought forth hot dew." That would make those goddamn Mountain Dew commercials interesting to watch, at least.


• "The heat from her pussy giving his dick a deep tissue massage." Ah. He opted for the "full release" massage.


• "He tasted her, running his tongue up, down and around her pussy like a lost tourist." With those flip-up sunglasss, black socks and sandals, and sunblock on his nose. Oh, wait. That's hot dew on his nose.

In the "I don't really speak the language. Of love." category

• "He had Buffy festering with passion." Like an itchy, pustulating chancre, he burned for her. Hawt.


• "Her pussy swallowed finger #2." Which was the size of a #2 pencil. Enough with the "mouth" similies! Lips, swallow, blech!


• "cum streams" Just... no. Three things are wrong here. Word one and word two. And that they are put together.

In the "punctuation totally changes the meaning" category:

• "Angle [sic], her handsome but sadly gay hair stylist." I'm sad I'm gay. Which is the best new oxymoron in recent history. Angle.

In the "Words cannot express how much these sentences filled me with wicked glee" category:

• "Spike was very much alive, especially in his pants." Can't you see his dick dancing and bobbing? Just me?


• "His eyes had taken a flesh trip, touring mainly in the district of vagina." HA HA HA HA!! I love this. Especially since it was meant to be earnest, and not a parody. WOW. That is brilliant.


• "the invasion set off sensations that triggered the domino affect[sic]" I love those domino contests where they have rockets go off, and they race across water, and- Oh. how is that sexy? Do they fall and make a pair of boobies?


• "He had blues eyes [like her ex] but they weren't as mattressy." If anyone can explain to me what this means, I'll be in your debt.

Oh, but there's more...
"'Great, now who's going to do my hair?' she said out loud.
'I'll do it luv.'
Buffy's nipples perked at the sound of the sexy British accent." My brain automatically makes a *dink dink!* noise. This is almost as bad as girls having clitstands. It isn't a penis!

I'll leave you with this:
"slipped her 'the tongue' and she embraced it with hers" She's mocking her own words now? I'm out of a job!

Comments

[sdwolfpup.livejournal.com]

"Ahhaannahhhannhahahh, ahahhahhh!"

I tried saying this out loud to myself and I couldn't stop laughing. Of course the way it's written, that means I'm nailing it.

This is all so bad it's wonderful.

a deep tissue massage

I prefer the Rolfing technique.

[sangpassionne.livejournal.com]

Oh, dear god. That is beyond bad. And she won't accept any help, you say?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

You got a thrice pounded fist in exchange for the "Rolfing technique." BWAH!!

I think "District of vagina" has so many uses, it boggles the mind.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Nope. Tried gentle helpers, as have other people, tried mentioning betas... And she is SO prolific. I'm talking a whole story a day. I have all of the other entries in my memories if you need a chuckle. The "She Juice" icon was inspired from her fic.

[zinnydark.livejournal.com]

Buffy keeps saying my best friends name... haannah Granted it's all stretched out and funny, but... ig!

But lost tourists and being sad about being gay... I hate it when people ignore the bad reviews. They really should listen to them...

[inlovewithnight.livejournal.com]

::wipes tears from eyes:: Touring mainly in the district of vagina. That's so awesome. It sounds like a press release for a band.

And I'd go on, but I think I tore something in my stomach muscles by trying to keep the laughter inside, since I'm in the library and all...owww. I've missed these! She must write more!

[zyrya]

She's actually getting worse, which I thought was impossible. Aren't there laws of physics that apply here? If not, to whom does one apply for extra laws of physics?

And I must ask ... are you Becky? Are you picking all the absolutely bottom-of-the-barrel fics and encouraging the writers with explosions of exclamation marks and pleas for sequels?

[likeadeuce.livejournal.com]

seriously? I must confess I mostly skim the bad!fics you post to get to the comments. too too funny.

alive, especially in his pants? yikes.

how would you feel about me emailing you something semi-serious that may be a short story? (no vampires, but there are Mormons).

Re: Domino's sounds good for some reason...maybe it's my perky nipples

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, I totally came at the thought of cheesy garlicy cum streams.

What? Isn't that what you meant?

Angle. Obtuse. There's a joke in there somewhere, but I'm not hte woman for it.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

And not only does she ignore the bad reviews, she deletes them and then asks (at the end of each chapter) to "review please, I need it."

If she's happily oblivious, then it keeps me in stitches and amused. Tit = tat.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

District of vagina is by far my most favorite from this latest round.

::laughs hard enough to heat up and give a deep tissue massage to my chair::

I'm sorry for that last bit.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I think you should send your application in triplicate to the Nobel board of officers.

No, but I must meet this Becky girl to thank her for keeping me up laughing at night...

Signed, Laura (AKA Stoney)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

CARRIE!!! you have to read my every word! Goddamnit. *sulks*

I will slip you "the tongue" and make you love me again.

And send away! (With a tease like that???)

[inlovewithnight.livejournal.com]

Maybe that's what Dingoes Ate My Baby are up to these days...touring mainly in the district of vagina. Okay, I'll stop.

[ropo.livejournal.com]

SO. GOOD.

I must send you some Chesa Baker fic. Oh, it's FINE. Not in the same way, but in a different, insane way.

[likeadeuce.livejournal.com]

LOL -- I read YOUR every word, baby, you know I do.

it's the badfic itself :).

when I get home to my own 'puter, I will send.

there are probably still exterminators in my house. I am sleep deprived at the library and debating going to see the aviator.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh. Well, sheeeyit. I do THIS so you don't HAVE to read the bad!fic. It's a part of my parole/public service to the community.

Looking forward to it!

::waits to see if you sprout tentacles from the chemicals in your apartment::

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Yes, please. I have about ten of these in my memories (under Bad(great!)fic) if you get bored and need a belly laugh. This post is NOTHING compared to some of the others.

Which is sad. For her.

Send away!

[likeadeuce.livejournal.com]

but I'm a girl!

*rereads*

oh, tentacles.

apparently tentacle porn is a big thing in fanfic. I just learned about this. . .

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Yes, I would accept that DAMB (hee hee) are "up in the district of vagina."

Looking for NEW babies. Huh?

My pants are tight. Over my JOHNSON.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

First of all, screaming in passion makes me laugh. I can't tell you how many times (because it's a secret) I've wanted to just let out blood curdling screams during sex to test the "excitement over a screamer" theory.

Mainly because my husband would leave me. But it would still make me laugh.

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

"His eyes had taken a flesh trip, touring mainly in the district of vagina."

You didn't read this one to me. *massive pout*

Our realtor emailed some locales. I think most of them are in the district of vagina. Seriously? Sucks to be poor. Why I ever thought marrying a liberal arts major and dropping out of college was a good idea, I'll never know. *deeply in a snit - your bad!fic helped*

[likeadeuce.livejournal.com]

I have seriously been seeing that icon when I close my eyes at night.

off to the movies!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I didn't read that one so you could have something interesting to read today....

Crap! you don't WANT to live in the district of vagina? Why not? the sushi is... Okay. I'm going to stop.

What can I do? I can sell my ass and send you the money. All four dollars.

[julia-here.livejournal.com]

And may I just say how very very glad I am I have somehow avoided that fic.

I think I have, anyway, I read one yesterday that made me thrash in pain, as it is not necessary for Spike to stake Harmony and Angel in the process of a Spuffy reconcilliation for me to be happy, but using you're/your, they're/their, even were/we're properly IS a necessity for my personal comfort. I don't remember those particular horrific phrases, although there were some moments of sheer compositional torture.

Luckily, I managed to purge the matter from my mind by the emollient use of Ginmar's "Affinity, which I find a specific anodyne for Truly Bad Spuffiction.

Julia, not writing anything I'm supposed to be, myself, bad me