stoney321 | Hooray! More mockumentary!

My bad!fic writer is back. There are those who would hate me for poking fun at this poor sap, but she won't take any of the helpful criticisms sent her, so... Fair game. And I'm only making fun of her WORDS. Not little puppies. And I feel like being shitty.

I just don't know what some of these things mean, first of all, and I like to think I'm down with all the kewl Scandinavian Slang words.

In the "I've never had sex" category

"Oh, God, Buffy!"
"Ahnnn."
"Buf- Oh, God!"
"Ahhhhannnahh!"
"I'm cumming!"
"Ahnanhahandhannnnhahhanhhh"
"Fuuuu-!"
"Ahhaannahhhannhahahh, ahahhahhh!"

I love this exchange so very, very much. First of all, notice how Buffy slips in "hand" in her third exhale. And I appreciate that she takes a breath and starts up again in the last sentence. Just try saying this out loud.

crazydiamondsue and I cracked up over the phone with this one.

In the "I'll never quit cumming -heh- up with weird descriptions for sex!" category

"he pulsed cream colored I miss yous into her." I have not changed one whit in that sentence from her fic.

"He possessed a sexual magic that brought forth hot dew." That would make those goddamn Mountain Dew commercials interesting to watch, at least.

"The heat from her pussy giving his dick a deep tissue massage." Ah. He opted for the "full release" massage.

"He tasted her, running his tongue up, down and around her pussy like a lost tourist." With those flip-up sunglasss, black socks and sandals, and sunblock on his nose. Oh, wait. That's hot dew on his nose.

In the "I don't really speak the language. Of love." category

"He had Buffy festering with passion." Like an itchy, pustulating chancre, he burned for her. Hawt.

"Her pussy swallowed finger #2." Which was the size of a #2 pencil. Enough with the "mouth" similies! Lips, swallow, blech!

"cum streams" Just... no. Three things are wrong here. Word one and word two. And that they are put together.

In the "punctuation totally changes the meaning" category:

"Angle [sic], her handsome but sadly gay hair stylist." I'm sad I'm gay. Which is the best new oxymoron in recent history. Angle.

In the "Words cannot express how much these sentences filled me with wicked glee" category:

"Spike was very much alive, especially in his pants." Can't you see his dick dancing and bobbing? Just me?

"His eyes had taken a flesh trip, touring mainly in the district of vagina." HA HA HA HA!! I love this. Especially since it was meant to be earnest, and not a parody. WOW. That is brilliant.

"the invasion set off sensations that triggered the domino affect[sic]" I love those domino contests where they have rockets go off, and they race across water, and- Oh. how is that sexy? Do they fall and make a pair of boobies?

"He had blues eyes [like her ex] but they weren't as mattressy." If anyone can explain to me what this means, I'll be in your debt.

Oh, but there's more...
"'Great, now who's going to do my hair?' she said out loud.
'I'll do it luv.'
Buffy's nipples perked at the sound of the sexy British accent." My brain automatically makes a *dink dink!* noise. This is almost as bad as girls having clitstands. It isn't a penis!

I'll leave you with this:
"slipped her 'the tongue' and she embraced it with hers" She's mocking her own words now? I'm out of a job!