THE MOST HORRIBLE THING EVER TO HAPPEN IN THE HISTORY OF EVER

[stoney321]

But I should mention that "it" is not real. It only lives in my paranoid thoughts.

So, for the past, oh, two weeks I've been sneezing. I don't really do that, normally. I'm pretty healthy - hearty and hale, that's me! And when I say sneezing, I mean my kids counted me sneezing 12 times in a row, I caught my breath, and then I went off again another 12 times. Lather, rinse, repeat. Nothing I do helps, no nasal spray, neti pots, shoving crayons up there, nada. (And I have nothing new in my house to be an allergen; it must be something outside, IDK and MOVING ON.)

This morning I read on GAWKER that some poor woman went to the doctor for an itchy ear and there was a spider living in her ear canal oh dear god flame the side of her face and save her soul. Pretty much my worst nightmare. Well, my worst nightmare is a grasshopper handing on my face and stabbing my eyeball with its disgusting pointed foot.

AND NOW ALL I CAN THINK OF IS THAT I HAVE SINUS GNATS. Like, you know when you walk through a cloud of midges and snort sharply through your nostrils to make sure they don't fly up there? WHAT IF I DIDN'T DO THAT ENOUGH AND NOW THEY ARE LIVING IN MY FACE.

If this is true, I will allow the doctors to submerge my body into a lake of lava face first, because I am not coming back from that emotionally sound, you feel me?

Comments

[alittleacademe.livejournal.com]

Stoney NOT TO TALK YOU DOWN or anything but is this not maybe connected with that whole time you turned out to have weird flat sinuses which explained why you couldn't breathe through your nose (can we say it's that because if you are BREEDING INSECTS IN YOUR FACE we are going to have to treat you like you're the zombie apocalypse I'm sure you understand why).

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Oh my GOD I can't even THINK ABOUT THAT.

It's not true. You don't have that.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

MAYBE MY SINUSES ARE FLAT BECAUSE OF STOMPING BUGS DEFLATING THEM?

I'm just saying that we seriously need to think this through.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*claws at face*

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

...choo!

[alittleacademe.livejournal.com]

I'm saying we need to think it through but we also might need to remove your face. I'M SORRY. YOU KNOW ABOUT ZOMBIE APOCALYPSES IT'S THE ONLY WAY.

[alittleacademe.livejournal.com]

YOU'D EJECT THE BUGS WHEN YOU SNEEZED.

Surely.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

You know what this means, right? THEY ARE BURROWING NOSEWIGS. Like those horrid flies in South America that lay eggs in wounds and then a manticore bursts from the poor bloke's chest a week later!

O_O

Face first into lava. It's the only way we can be sure mankind is spared.

[elizardbits.livejournal.com]

It could also be a giant leech

GOOGLE GIANT NOSE LEECH IF YOU DARE

[elizardbits.livejournal.com]

NOT IF IT WAS A GIANT NOSELEECH

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

THERE NEEDS TO BE A WEB MD PAGE FOR THINGS THAT MIGHT POSSIBLY BE IN YOUR NOSE.

it's probably some of those sightless cave fish trapped up in there. D:

[elizardbits.livejournal.com]

ALSO GOOGLE "NEW SPECIES BRAZILIAN BLIND SNAKE"

maybe that is in your nosey too

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

THAT IS PROBABLY UP MY BUTT with a co-co-nut

It's a wonder I'm still BREATHING RIGHT NOW. Maybe it's taken over the host and I'm not really me? I AM A GIANT SACK OF MEAT WITH A BUG LIVING INSIDE!?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

WHY DID I GOOGLE LIZ WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

[dareu2beme.livejournal.com]

BUG BUGS BUGS BUGS BUGS.... i fucking hate them... they are scary as fuck! I hate viruses and cold bugs and REAL bugs... all the things. I hate them.


My husband found this spider thing in the van after we unpacked from our camping trip but it looked more like a tiny crab... I just imagined that we all had a bunch of them living in our BRAINS or something after sleeping in the tent with that thing all weekend.

ANYWAY, I hope you feel better soon and that there are no parasitic creatures in your body.

[elizardbits.livejournal.com]

tee hee

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

ALL SPIDERS WANT TO BURROW THROUGH YOUR EYE MEAT AND PUT EGG SACKS IN YOUR BRAIN. It's scientific fact. *rainbow:the more you know*

Anyone that tries to tell me I should love spiders is getting my finger in their nose. Wait, but then a nose leech will bite me I CANNOT ESCAPE THEM!!!

D:

[alittleacademe.livejournal.com]

Or like that one episode of the X Files where a FROG jumped OUT of a man's STOMACH.


Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. *prepares the tub*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I want you to have all of my Will Ferrell DVDs to remember me by.

*bugles TAPS*

[alittleacademe.livejournal.com]

(i reread so much RP the other day but I no longer have the passwords to those journals, damnit!!)

Stoney, I'm going to have the psychological scars and we should let that be enough for both of us.

*dons the mask, gloves, beekeeping suit*

[sheafrotherdon.livejournal.com]

Why did I google that shit OMGGGGGGGG

Did you see the picture where you could see it in the person's EYE?

[dareu2beme.livejournal.com]

Human bodies make such fantastic places for little critters to burrow... mmmm warm and dark and damp and bleedy

[lynnenne]

*RUNS SCREAMING*

[calliecat.livejournal.com]

Did anything ever come out of your nose while sneezing? Whatever you do - don't google nose worms. ugh. I don't so much fear bugs... but I cringe at the thought of a bug crawling on me (much less IN me!) while I sleep. When I was little -I use to pray for three things every night before going to sleep - 1. no fires 2. no robbers 3. no bugs crawling on me while I sleep. It worked like a charm I tell ya - I'm sure of it.

[dovil.livejournal.com]

Relax, it's probably a brain tumour.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

SAVE YOURSELF!!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I HAVE ALREADY HAD A HORRIBLE HORRIBLE FRIEND INFLICT NOSE WORMS ON ME.

No, nothing has come out of me aside from sneezes. I CLEARLY NEED YOUR BEDTIME MANTRA.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

You know, I *have* been smelling burnt toast and orange peels lately...

You're probably right about it being a t

[dovil.livejournal.com]

That's my girl! Even in the throes of a brain exploding death you can still find the wherewithall to slump forward and hit the 'add comment' key.

I'll hold dear that your last thought was that I was right, and also by implication, awesome.

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

Even in the throes of a brain exploding death you can still find the wherewithall to slump forward and hit the 'add comment' key.

I love you guys.

[dovil.livejournal.com]

I love you more.

Why don't you love me enough? WHY?!? *stares*

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

Now, of course, I love YOU the mostest since Laura has expired mid quip and I no longer have to split my egressing love between the two of you. You and I will get matching 'in memoriam' tats of Laura (I suggest we get them between our shoulder blades and show her in mid-sneeze with a spray of gnats glimmering around her head like a halo...halo...halo...)

[poshcat.livejournal.com]

::DOES NOT FUCKING GOOGLE OMG::

Your sacrifice was not in vain.

[poshcat.livejournal.com]

If the spiders/nose worms burst from your nostrils, try to take an Instagram before you die.

[thestoryofelle.livejournal.com]

OMFG. I just remember some TV show and the guy had this weird lump on his neck, and when the doctor lanced it, it was full of baby spider.

OMFG, MY SKIN IS CRAWLING.

SINUS GNATS. YOU'RE AMAZING AND WONDERFUL AND ALSO A TERRIBLE PERSON. NOW MY SINUSES ARE ITCHING.

[alittleacademe.livejournal.com]

http://nerdbabies.tumblr.com/post/25424952046/mistcover-rina-paradox-steal-the-tardis

RELEVANT

[ladyvyola.livejournal.com]

Stoney, Stoney, we may have to nuke you from orbit, it's the only way to be sure.

Your legions of fans will miss you and honor your sacrifice. Better you than us, eh? Bartender, a round of Zombies for everyone!

[brunettepet.livejournal.com]

Now you are making me all paranoid about all the frakking gnats I have waded through this entire summer *sprays insecticide cloud like shopping mall perfume and walks back and forth and back and forth breathing deeply*

Oh, and I hope you stop with this silly sneezing without needing to be dipped in lava.

[rena pedersen (from livejournal.com)]

Oh my God. I have had itchy ears for weeks, now I am so freaked. Lava actually does sound like a reasonable solution, I don't want to be an arachnid incubator CAN YOU IMAGINE AN EAR FULL OF BABY SPIDERS???

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Just...don't google the story, okay? DON'T DO THAT TO YOURSELF.

Hogod, the movie The Believers ruined me FOR LIFE. D: