I don't really like Facebook. But. [snerk]

[stoney321]

So I have a fb, because it's the 21rst century and I'm not Amish. But I don't really LIKE it. I have people from high school and college (aka, the Mormons) friended, and use it to stalk ex-boyfriends' pictures see what people are up to.

Yesterday I posted an idea for a TV show (and some friends and I are actually moving forward on it, YAY!) about gardening, etc. Lots of back and forth comments with friends on the idea, how to get it produced, etc.

But you need this backstory: One person from college added me a few years back, and never said a word. (We had gone on a few dates, including a Big School Dance. He isn't The Date That brought a Date, mind.) He and some other guys (the one that went on and on about his Mission in Micronesia and the guy that thought a girl talking to him meant they wanted to marry this dudebro) had a Depeche Mode-style band (omg lol) and were King Turds of Shit Mountain that was my small college town. They all are still trying to make it in the "industry" after almost 20 years. In Utah. Yeah, that'll happen.

So after 2+ years from when he added me and never said a word, he finally messaged me yesterday. (And he is still LDS with 6 kids now.)
"Hey, what's up? It's Jimmy from school. I saw you post on FB and thought I'd see what you were up to these days? Where are you living? It looks like you work in film or news or something interesting like that. Remember that one time when we went up to Cedar City and discoed the shit out of that place? That was good times. Catch you later. Jimmy"

1. We never went to Cedar City and "discoed the shit" out that place. We went to SLC and went to a concert, however. (Which you left to meet "someone." Mm hmm.
2. Are you being cool by saying "shit?" Because Elder [his Last Name] that isn't in the Lord's Plan. Also, GRAMMAR, SON.
3. Remember when I took you to Sadie Hawkins? And paid for all of your things? And was awesome? And we were on the front page of the newspaper by sheer force of our awesomeness?
4. Most importantly, remember how we went back to my dorm, made out, and then you paused with your hand up my shirt and asked for advice on how to deal with your girlfriend? BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I REMEMBER.
5. What am I "up to?" Being awesome, atheistic, drinking wine, and not torturing myself over you asshole Utah dudes anymore. Kiss your wife for me! (He married that girlfriend, if you're not picking that up.)

IS THERE ANY WONDER WHY I DIDN'T STAY IN UTAH. Gross. I am so happy that every Utah boy found me unappealing. WHEW.

Side story: I had a dream last night that we brought home a GREAT WHITE SHARK to swim in our pool (which was my bedroom - dream logic, wtf?) and we kept trying to tame in, then I got really, really scared and didn't know how to deal with it, so we let it flop itself onto the deck and die. O_O Thanks, Ny-Quil! (I think I even tried to kiss the corner of its lips? I DON'T EVEN KNOW, GANG.) Just remembered: it snapped off half of its fin when it flopped onto the deck. And I was all scared to get near it because EVEN MY DREAM SELF KNOWS GREAT WHITES = DEATH.

Comments

[brunettepet.livejournal.com]

Wow, misremember much, douche?

(And you know his wife would just forgive him that little hand up your shirt bizness because it was all your fault! )

WHEW is right.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Do you know how tempted I am to post that to his FB wall? AHAHAHA. Oh man, it would serve him right. ;D

[brunettepet.livejournal.com]

I was thinking you should post this entire post to his facebook wall but their character limits suck!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

LOL!!

[superdaintykate.livejournal.com]

Psh. THAT is when you post a SERIES, one short post right after the other, to better elucidate twatwafflery.

[maplelump.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD!

What an idiot. Clearly just trying to get in good so you'll help him make it.

Man, why do people gotta be so stupid?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Exactly my thinking, too! And...it's not like I have a four show production deal with HBO or something! I have friends that are pitching in equipment so we can put something on the internet in HOPES of getting a production deal with DIY, ffs.

LOL.

[anelith.livejournal.com]

That is too, too funny. I think you should write him back that exact list. Particularly #4.

Best of luck with the gardening show! That would be fantastic. I'd watch it for sure.

Last night was Weird Dream Night I guess. Nathan had two long, convoluted dreams that I won't try to recount except to say that in one of them he said that he smelled like radishes. Now keep in mind he's never ever eaten a radish, never been closer to one than passing by in the grocery store. I don't fix them for the family because I'm the only person who would eat them. But somehow the smell of a radish figured in his dream...

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

HAHAHA, I was thinking of posting that to his FB wall, actually. HEE!! I won't, but man. That would make me laugh and laugh.

ANNE I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS SHOW. The premise would be me going to people's yards where they keep having problems (I can't get the lawn to stay alive, everything dies here, yadda) and explain what is going on and then have them with me and FIX IT. Think Alton Brown's Good Eats meets gardening.

Actual information that you can take with you, instead of watching someone get landscapers to put things in for them. <3

Isn't it weird what our subconsciousness picks up? Radishes?! Hahaha!

[anelith.livejournal.com]

You really must do this show -- you'd be like Mike Holmes with his "Holmes on Homes" show. That man works miracles for people at the end of their rope. You could do that for gardens and yards! People would be so grateful.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

We're trying to coordinate a time when we all can shoot a 15 min. episode for YouTube. FINGERS CROSSED!

[elizardbits.livejournal.com]

brb changing your lj note to SHARKFUCKER

[stephanierb.livejournal.com]

I just have to say, I laughed so hard at this I snorted water out of my nose.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

ARE YOU SAYING THAT I AM VLADIMIR PUTIN?

Because the man is a KGB bad ass.

[elizardbits.livejournal.com]

HE IS THE DREAMIEST EVIL DICTATOR

i would let him dictate me all night long IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN AND I THINK YOU DO

[stephanierb.livejournal.com]

OMG, could he have been anymore obvious? Ahahaha. Yeah, dude, she's going to help you make it. WHATEVER.

Love your list and I too would die if you posted it. That would shut him up right quick. lol

I think your gardening show idea is fabulous. I'm a city living apartment dweller, but I know lots of folks with yards who (try to) garden, with mixed results and would really benefit from something like that. It's hard work and a lot to know and sometimes you just don't know where to begin, so you need someone experienced to point it out. I'm looking forward to seeing what you put together.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I mean, over two years and nothing, friends with credentials post to my wall and he's all over it? UH HUH. Not so sly, doofus.

I want to do all kinds of segments. Like, go to specific regions, tap in to THEIR extension agency/master gardeners and learn what common problems people there have and how to fix it.

And I would love to do a "gardening on your patio" segment for those folks who only have a sunny window and want fresh basil, etc. <3

[strtmyorange.livejournal.com]

Your show idea sounds brilliant! I would watch it, me and my black thumb. OOOOH!!! Come to my house and help me garden on my semi-enclosed porch!!! Pleeaaassseeee!!! I'm a plant's apocalyptic nightmare. I need you desperately, Stoney!

Ahahahahahaa!!! Why are people such transparent idiots? You should post that list to his FB. I did it with an ex who contacted me, bragging about his marriage, house, kid, etc. I posted a list similar to yours (except the Mormon part) to his FB wall. Hope his wife saw it since we have so much in common, including those 4 months during which we both dated him. He un-friended me shortly thereafter! ;-)

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

Man, I really wanna *chin hands* and play psych with your brain pan wrt that dream.

TELLLLLLL ME ABOUT HOW THAT SHARK MADE YOU FEEEEEEEEEL, STONEY.

Do you think it represents Mormonism or toilet training?

[catherine mitchell (from livejournal.com)]

This makes me SOOO happy that you're maybe doing this show! Yay!!!

And I third the whole post it on his wall/message him that list thing. This is the exact reason I do NOT friend the asshats from my small high school town. I did once and the girl like, tried to tell me how to organize and redecorate my apartment in all my pictures.? Like, who does that!? So, NO more! Unless you are a nice person I regularly talk to online or in real life or are a relative I can not get into hateful political discussions with, you are NOT on my facebook. I do not need that drama. lol.

[justa-reader.livejournal.com]

True story: your retelling of the great white shark dream caused me to snort laugh. It wasn't pretty. Or quiet. Or really ladylike at all. Weird dreams are weird (and so, so awesome). Unconscious brain, how I love thee!

(And ugh FB. I pretty much have a blanket "If you've touched my boob, you're no friend of mine" policy because I prefer to surreptitiously lurk on ex-boyfriend's profiles. No, wait, what?)

[dovil.livejournal.com]

You're in an industry I want to break in to? Lets coincidentally be best friends now and reminisce fondly about the time I squeezed your boob forming an emotional connection that will last a lifetime.

Utah: Beautiful Place, Crazy People. I'm going to mail this slogan in to their tourism board.

[christina morrison (from livejournal.com)]

You can do a "Dumb asses who can kill cacti but really really want pretty flowers" segment. I submit myself.

[harmonyfb.livejournal.com]

4. Most importantly, remember how we went back to my dorm, made out, and then you paused with your hand up my shirt and asked for advice on how to deal with your girlfriend? BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I REMEMBER.

That's exactly what you need to send as your reply, except more liberal use of the word 'dumbass' appended. ;)

[bitchygrrl.livejournal.com]

OMH what a twatwaffle. You should send him your list of memories. LOL He totally wants you to hook his band up asshole. Utah guys found you unappealing? They must hate hot and awesomeness together, that's like the Reese cup of wonderful they could not handle it. Silly UT guys. Seriously I know another hot awesome babe from UT and she says the same thing. Something is very wron in UT I say.