:(

[stoney321]

Today is not a good day. It's kind of a culmination of several bad days weeks months in a row. Feeling isolated and lonely and without options is just about the suckiest thing to suck, and all of my close girlfriends (the ones I don't have to explain myself to, don't have to filter myself to) live in other states. That makes me feel trapped like whoa.

Everyone that I've been friends with here in my town has pretty much dropped me because of all the struggles with the family. No one wants to have to deal with it, I get it. Shit, *I* don't want to deal with all the drama in my life over the past 8 months. But the solution to these well-meaning at first folk is to get me to go to parties. Where everyone seems to miraculously know intimate details I've only shared with one person. So yeah, not really feeling it. Not to mention that I don't WANT to be in a giant party of no real connection.

Since I don't want to only associate with who I believed were my friends in a giant social setting, I no longer hear from anyone. Fuck, I just want to go have lunch with someone I care about and have a good time, I don't want to go to some giant cocktail party with people I don't know. I just want someone to give me a hug, JFC.

So I do nothing, and haven't done anything with anyone other than my immediate family for 8 months now, and I'm going a little crazy as a result.



Everyone in the family is gone for the weekend, which should make me happy because hey! Quiet house to myself, that's a rarity! Except I have no desire to write (what I would normally do in this situation) because quite honestly, no one gives a shit about the stuff I'm writing (I can't even get trusted FAMILY MEMBERS to read some of the things I'm working on and tell me anything about it - even that it sucks. They just...won't read it.), which makes it very hard to care about it myself. Wah, wah, poor white girl with a roof over her head, I know. I make myself eyeroll, too, and this is not the journal you signed up for.

Pleh. It's just one of those "why bother? With anything?" sort of days, but I seem to be having them a LOT lately.

ION, I plan on making this for my dinner because no one will eat them before I get a chance to. If avocado fries can't cheer me up...

UGH I GROSS MYSELF OUT SORRY.

Maybe I should create an alter-ego and fight crime. Or turn tricks. Or turn tricks while fighting crime. It's good to be ambitious, I hear? =P

/insert OMG do I try gold star

Comments

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

I love you! And I love your writing! And I would visit you in a heartbeat, even in TX in the summer, and would happily take you to dinner and sit with you over coffee and float in the pool with you and everything.

Your life is tough, honey. Of course you're feeling depressed. (And you are.) I wish I could magically give you an amazing support system and an excellent therapist and an off-button for everyone who drains the life from you.

And real friends don't turn tail when times get tough. So those people around you SUCK.

[halfmoon-mollie.livejournal.com]

Sweetie, I'm sorry. I hope you start to feel more toward the light (as in illuminated) side soon. I would hope that, if I were in TX, I would be a better friend than those who purport to care about you.

[shadowkat67.livejournal.com]

Just posting to let you know...feel more or less the same way at the moment, for different reasons.

[wolfshark]

*offers you virtual hugs*

[cindergal.livejournal.com]

I have been in your position before, for different reasons, and I understand how lonely it is and how much it sucks. I wish I lived nearby and you could come over and sit on the porch and have a glass of wine with me. *big hugs*

[ladycyndra.livejournal.com]

I'm five hours away from you! I'd so go up there. If I had a car of my own. ^_^; We hardly know each other but that wouldn't stop me. =) Well the no car thing does stop me. Okay I'm gonna stop talking now and give you hugs!

*HUUUUUUUUGS*

[tanzmaeusi.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry to hear that you have been feeling so down and lonely lately and I wish there is something I could do to make you feel better. But I guess the only thing I can do is tell you that I think you are an excellent, soulful and imaginative writer and with your stories you have given me hours and hours of entertainment and joy.
And if you need something to do to forget all your troubles for a bit, I would like to recommend the movie "Weekend", in my opinion it's one of the best gay movies ever with a truly touching story, honest and real characters and outstanding acting.
I wish you all the best and I'm sending a big hug all across the ocean,
Claudia

[kuzu-no-ha.livejournal.com]

Oh geez...so someone you trusted blabbed to everyone. Wow I love that. So much.
I'm sure it was "out of concern". *rage*

Maybe you should come to New York and THE CLOISTERS. That's my answer to a lot of things though. Because plants.

[rena pedersen (from livejournal.com)]

No words. Just sending you a virtual pair of footie pajamas (they always make me feel better) and a Big Hug. The kind that lasts for a long time and nothing is said.

[lycomingst.livejournal.com]

Been there. Being there now. All I can offer is a hope things improve.

And avocado fries sound awesome. 8 ]

[redaly.livejournal.com]

I only know you through this and hdjm, but just from that it's clear that you are a funny, clever, talented and amazingly compassionate woman. Good friends are more there when times get tough for you, not less, and I hope that you run into some local folks who can give you the real friendship you so richly deserve. In the meantime, I send you a massive *hug* and I hope it helps to know that even complete strangers want to take you out to lunch and cheer you up because you are so awesome.

[altyronsmaker.livejournal.com]

Ugh. People really freakin' suck sometimes. I'm sorry your friends are letting you down right now when you really need a trustworthy support system. You're having a pretty difficult time and have been for a while and people you trusted have let you down. If you didn't succumb to the stress of it at least once in a while, you wouldn't be human. But you are human. One of the better humans I've had the pleasure to encounter.

Screw the weaklings who can't handle being a friend to a friend in need. They suck.

[lynnenne]

I'm sorry that things are so bad for you right now, honey. And I'm even more sorry that you don't have a support system close by. But you have one here, and most of us are just a phone call away. Don't ever be afraid to pick up and call, because we love you.

Lots and lots of hugs to you, sweetie. <333

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

Being lonely isn't a first world problem. Shit, none of your recent problems are.

You need a fangirl love weekend like woah bb.

Anytime.
No joke.

D

[ahestele.livejournal.com]

Yes, what Kita said! Dude, I live in Houston. Granted, our state is BIGASS state but that's still pretty good, yes? I'm sorry about people dropping you; that seems like a sever option. All of my bffs are in different states, too. Sometimes different HEMISPHERES. But we're not!

And I totally get the ixnay on the party thing. I've just decided to own my introvertedness at this point and I just cannot with a huge chatty party full of people I barely know that I've got to be nice to. I have work for that.

So hit me up! The partner and I would love a road trip!

[bdbdb.livejournal.com]

I love you. I know it's not what you need right now, but I'm always just a phone call away. ::hugs::

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

You are one of my most favorite people on planet EARTH to do ANYTHING with, and I would love love love to be able to get away and do everything or nothing at all with you by my side.

*deeeeeeep breath* Sometimes I need to vent (and need to remember that I CAN do that).

<3 <3

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Thank you for that. I do believe things will get easier, I just wish I could get a time table on WHEN. :)

*hugs you back*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

It freaking sucks, right?

*sisters in solidarity fist bump*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I LIKE THOSE A LOT. <3

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

You had me at glass of wine with you. :)

(The Walking Dead that we would talk!! And now Game of Thrones!!)

<3 Thank you.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hahaha, you get an E for effort! And I will take those hugs, yes I will!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Aww, this is so lovely! Thank you very, very much. *hugs you back* And that's one I haven't watched yet, but have it on my Netflix queue. I'll have to see if it's still available and get on that! Thank you. <3

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh my gosh, I was SO. ANGRY. (Because it was about my children, and I'm VERY private about their personal life/struggles.)

Deeeeeeeep breath in, sloooooooow exhale. <-- That's what just the THOUGHT of the Cloisters does for me, so thank you for that reminder. That was one of those "amazingly wonderful" days when I was there last. <3

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oooh, both of those things sound like happy-making things to me, too. :) (Especially that second one; those are the very best sort of hugs, in my opinion.)

<3