:(

[stoney321]

Today is not a good day. It's kind of a culmination of several bad days weeks months in a row. Feeling isolated and lonely and without options is just about the suckiest thing to suck, and all of my close girlfriends (the ones I don't have to explain myself to, don't have to filter myself to) live in other states. That makes me feel trapped like whoa.

Everyone that I've been friends with here in my town has pretty much dropped me because of all the struggles with the family. No one wants to have to deal with it, I get it. Shit, *I* don't want to deal with all the drama in my life over the past 8 months. But the solution to these well-meaning at first folk is to get me to go to parties. Where everyone seems to miraculously know intimate details I've only shared with one person. So yeah, not really feeling it. Not to mention that I don't WANT to be in a giant party of no real connection.

Since I don't want to only associate with who I believed were my friends in a giant social setting, I no longer hear from anyone. Fuck, I just want to go have lunch with someone I care about and have a good time, I don't want to go to some giant cocktail party with people I don't know. I just want someone to give me a hug, JFC.

So I do nothing, and haven't done anything with anyone other than my immediate family for 8 months now, and I'm going a little crazy as a result.



Everyone in the family is gone for the weekend, which should make me happy because hey! Quiet house to myself, that's a rarity! Except I have no desire to write (what I would normally do in this situation) because quite honestly, no one gives a shit about the stuff I'm writing (I can't even get trusted FAMILY MEMBERS to read some of the things I'm working on and tell me anything about it - even that it sucks. They just...won't read it.), which makes it very hard to care about it myself. Wah, wah, poor white girl with a roof over her head, I know. I make myself eyeroll, too, and this is not the journal you signed up for.

Pleh. It's just one of those "why bother? With anything?" sort of days, but I seem to be having them a LOT lately.

ION, I plan on making this for my dinner because no one will eat them before I get a chance to. If avocado fries can't cheer me up...

UGH I GROSS MYSELF OUT SORRY.

Maybe I should create an alter-ego and fight crime. Or turn tricks. Or turn tricks while fighting crime. It's good to be ambitious, I hear? =P

/insert OMG do I try gold star

Comments

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

I love you! And I love your writing! And I would visit you in a heartbeat, even in TX in the summer, and would happily take you to dinner and sit with you over coffee and float in the pool with you and everything.

Your life is tough, honey. Of course you're feeling depressed. (And you are.) I wish I could magically give you an amazing support system and an excellent therapist and an off-button for everyone who drains the life from you.

And real friends don't turn tail when times get tough. So those people around you SUCK.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

You are one of my most favorite people on planet EARTH to do ANYTHING with, and I would love love love to be able to get away and do everything or nothing at all with you by my side.

*deeeeeeep breath* Sometimes I need to vent (and need to remember that I CAN do that).

<3 <3

[halfmoon-mollie.livejournal.com]

Sweetie, I'm sorry. I hope you start to feel more toward the light (as in illuminated) side soon. I would hope that, if I were in TX, I would be a better friend than those who purport to care about you.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Thank you for that. I do believe things will get easier, I just wish I could get a time table on WHEN. :)

*hugs you back*

[shadowkat67.livejournal.com]

Just posting to let you know...feel more or less the same way at the moment, for different reasons.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

It freaking sucks, right?

*sisters in solidarity fist bump*

[wolfshark]

*offers you virtual hugs*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I LIKE THOSE A LOT. <3

[cindergal.livejournal.com]

I have been in your position before, for different reasons, and I understand how lonely it is and how much it sucks. I wish I lived nearby and you could come over and sit on the porch and have a glass of wine with me. *big hugs*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

You had me at glass of wine with you. :)

(The Walking Dead that we would talk!! And now Game of Thrones!!)

<3 Thank you.

[ladycyndra.livejournal.com]

I'm five hours away from you! I'd so go up there. If I had a car of my own. ^_^; We hardly know each other but that wouldn't stop me. =) Well the no car thing does stop me. Okay I'm gonna stop talking now and give you hugs!

*HUUUUUUUUGS*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hahaha, you get an E for effort! And I will take those hugs, yes I will!

[tanzmaeusi.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry to hear that you have been feeling so down and lonely lately and I wish there is something I could do to make you feel better. But I guess the only thing I can do is tell you that I think you are an excellent, soulful and imaginative writer and with your stories you have given me hours and hours of entertainment and joy.
And if you need something to do to forget all your troubles for a bit, I would like to recommend the movie "Weekend", in my opinion it's one of the best gay movies ever with a truly touching story, honest and real characters and outstanding acting.
I wish you all the best and I'm sending a big hug all across the ocean,
Claudia

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Aww, this is so lovely! Thank you very, very much. *hugs you back* And that's one I haven't watched yet, but have it on my Netflix queue. I'll have to see if it's still available and get on that! Thank you. <3

[kuzu-no-ha.livejournal.com]

Oh geez...so someone you trusted blabbed to everyone. Wow I love that. So much.
I'm sure it was "out of concern". *rage*

Maybe you should come to New York and THE CLOISTERS. That's my answer to a lot of things though. Because plants.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh my gosh, I was SO. ANGRY. (Because it was about my children, and I'm VERY private about their personal life/struggles.)

Deeeeeeeep breath in, sloooooooow exhale. <-- That's what just the THOUGHT of the Cloisters does for me, so thank you for that reminder. That was one of those "amazingly wonderful" days when I was there last. <3

[rena pedersen (from livejournal.com)]

No words. Just sending you a virtual pair of footie pajamas (they always make me feel better) and a Big Hug. The kind that lasts for a long time and nothing is said.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oooh, both of those things sound like happy-making things to me, too. :) (Especially that second one; those are the very best sort of hugs, in my opinion.)

<3

[lycomingst.livejournal.com]

Been there. Being there now. All I can offer is a hope things improve.

And avocado fries sound awesome. 8 ]

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

And let me offer the same hope back to you, too. <3

(OMG, thinking about those has me perked up right now, NGL.) :D

[redaly.livejournal.com]

I only know you through this and hdjm, but just from that it's clear that you are a funny, clever, talented and amazingly compassionate woman. Good friends are more there when times get tough for you, not less, and I hope that you run into some local folks who can give you the real friendship you so richly deserve. In the meantime, I send you a massive *hug* and I hope it helps to know that even complete strangers want to take you out to lunch and cheer you up because you are so awesome.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

AWWW, THIS MADE ME SMILE WITH A WOBBLY LIP. :)

I will happily (and gratefully) take that hug, and thank you hugely for it. Seriously, this absolutely made me have a much needed grin on my face. <3

[altyronsmaker.livejournal.com]

Ugh. People really freakin' suck sometimes. I'm sorry your friends are letting you down right now when you really need a trustworthy support system. You're having a pretty difficult time and have been for a while and people you trusted have let you down. If you didn't succumb to the stress of it at least once in a while, you wouldn't be human. But you are human. One of the better humans I've had the pleasure to encounter.

Screw the weaklings who can't handle being a friend to a friend in need. They suck.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

That whole saying about "you find out who your friends are" is an apt (and unhappy) one. But boy, is it true.

*leans against your shoulder* Thank you for this, it really does make me feel better to hear from people that I'm not just going bananas or something. [I mean, I *am* bananas, but you get my point. :) ]

[lynnenne]

I'm sorry that things are so bad for you right now, honey. And I'm even more sorry that you don't have a support system close by. But you have one here, and most of us are just a phone call away. Don't ever be afraid to pick up and call, because we love you.

Lots and lots of hugs to you, sweetie. <333

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*hugs you* OMG, I am catching up on LJ and seeing that you've been sick AND having to travel?! I hope you're in a good hotel with excellent concierge service, you poor dear. :(

Lots and lots of hugs and love to you, too. <3 <3 <3

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

Being lonely isn't a first world problem. Shit, none of your recent problems are.

You need a fangirl love weekend like woah bb.

Anytime.
No joke.

D

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

It's getting to the point where I'm going to fly myself in and just appear on her doorstep and not let her take no for an answer.

(Which I would never do, because so rude, but I AM TEMPTED.)

[ahestele.livejournal.com]

Yes, what Kita said! Dude, I live in Houston. Granted, our state is BIGASS state but that's still pretty good, yes? I'm sorry about people dropping you; that seems like a sever option. All of my bffs are in different states, too. Sometimes different HEMISPHERES. But we're not!

And I totally get the ixnay on the party thing. I've just decided to own my introvertedness at this point and I just cannot with a huge chatty party full of people I barely know that I've got to be nice to. I have work for that.

So hit me up! The partner and I would love a road trip!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I think there needs to be a convention in my pool, man. Fangirls, music, cocktails... WHAT COULD GO WRONG!? I mean, that we couldn't raise enough bail money to fix?

One of my dearest friends is on the exact opposite end of the earth from here in DFW (Stupid globe being too huge) and it suuuuucks. Mostly because she's tried and tested in holding my hair. Hahaha.

Ugh, thank you for the cheering up. Some days I just need to remember that lots of us feel this way. (And that it goes away.)

[bdbdb.livejournal.com]

I love you. I know it's not what you need right now, but I'm always just a phone call away. ::hugs::

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I love you, too, and honey, I'll take all the people telling me that that I can get. <3 (And those hugs, too.)

<3 <3 3

[entrenous88.livejournal.com]

*hugs you super tight*

I think of you so often, and wish you lived close so we could meet for huge delicious coffees or writing and gabbing sessions or venting-wine-tastings-parties-of-two (there would be lots of complaining about people that suck and sloshing only of the bad wines and many many delicious nibbles).

I completely understand how awful it is when people withdraw during tough times (and I get that some of it is self-protective for them, but owww), and that weird loneliness that can come from having close friends who happen to live way too far away. While it's a huge gift to have people who get us wherever they are, there is not really a substitute for having someone who can be there in fifteen minutes with wine and a sympathetic ear. So I think you're perfectly in your rights to feel blue and lonely, even if you have the necessities of life. Because everyone deserves joy, truly.

Gah, sometimes weekends alone seem just the thing, but other times they can really bring out all the bad thoughts. I think you should post as often as you like this weekend and we will all pull up a virtual chair and share your avocado fries (what! you offered, right? *shifty-eyes my way toward stealing a few*) and marathon things like Clueless and bake ridiculously rich brownies and give each other kickass hairdos and makeovers.

Seriously, though, even though none of us can be right there this weekend, we're here. It's not the same, but. I just know I and so many other folks would love to bring you any moments of fun and happiness we can muster while you're dealing with so many burdens. Because you're awesome and I love you tons.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

(We've been emailing about happy things, but I wanted to tell you that when this came through my email, it made me feel SO HAPPY knowing I have such a great friend like you. <3)

[alittleacademe.livejournal.com]

Mate, I am sorry. I am all sad and shit because my cat's dead and I think writing up this bloody thesis is stealing what little sanity I had. But I love you. And I'm really proud of you.

It sounds as though a lot of the local women are existing in some massive evil-Stepford-bitchfest-horror, which is not acceptable or right, and that you're having a reaction of delayed exhaustion and depression to the, you know, high-octane hell you've lived through, which is totally acceptable and allowable.

I still cry laughing remembering eg wtf celebs and all that, and you are a fabulous, funny, and talented human being. How's the gardening show stuff going? You are also, while we're on the subject, seriously hot. And an awesome sister, mum and wife.

Meanwhile, come to England. I live in a LIVELY (some would say MILDLY DANGEROUS) bit of Oxford in a studio flat (it is a very nice studio flat but you would have to share my bed because there is not even a sofa) but there is A PUB across the road, and MANY INDIAN RESTAURANTS, and also Oxford is lovely and close to London.

Love you lots stoney xxx

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

<3 <3 <3 Oh, Sophie, I've been a horrible LJ person as of late (and FB, etc) and didn't see about your cat. I'm so, so sorry. My cats are so dear to me, so I can imagine how your heart must be aching. All the hugs and sympathy from me.

OMG, wtf celebs was so much fun, such ridiculous fun, and I met so many great friends such as yourself! I wish you could pop in and let me feed you. And trust that if I'm ever within shouting distance of you, I will DEFINITELY appear on your doorstep. <3

[eac.livejournal.com]

I, for one, am not rolling my eyes. Just the small glimpse I've seen here of stuff that you've been dealing with over the last 8 months makes it clear that this isn't frivolous complaining. (Which would be okay, too. Frivolous complaining would be just fine.)

I am sorry people who are supposed to be real friends turned and ran rather than help you over this last year. That sucks. You deserve real local friends and better support.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

(Sometimes I forget that frivolous complaining is allowed. But yes, it's not been that, it's been heavy and dreadful and I need to stop worrying about bothering people if I complain. Everyone can scroll, me.) :)

Many hugs to you for being a lovely and supportive person, by the way. <3

[nwhepcat.livejournal.com]

Fuck, what is wrong with these people?!

*I* would go to lunch with you (in fact, I hope we have lunch/dinner/slumberparty time when I am in Austin).

Stupid gits.

Maybe this will give you a pick-me-up. Mah new jam, "Royals" by Lorde.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFasFq4GJYM

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Eh, they don't want the bother. I get it, it's a lot of bother. (But yeah. It sucks when you've been there for someone's equally heavy drama and it's not returned.)

AND DAMN I LOVE THAT SONG, THANK YOU!!! Oooh. Yeah.

[fiveandfour.livejournal.com]

Have totally been there and I understand what you mean. There's that part of you that feels bad for feeling bad (like you don't deserve to feel down or lonely sometimes), but mostly you just want a nice chat with someone you can blurt it all out to and know it won't go any further or come back at you sideways with some judgement attached.

Since that's pretty much what *everyone* wants at some point, I don't know why it's so hard to find friends like that - but damn if it isn't really hard to find people you can really trust.

I'll dedicate Monday's lunch to you and raise my glass of iced tea with a toast to 'spending time with real friends'. I like to eat lunch kinda' late so you can expect my good wishes to wing your way during the mid-afternoon. Cheers!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Yes, you've explained it perfectly the feeling, the guilt for feelings, etc. Bah.

I am tipping my cup of tea in your direction on this shared friend Monday lunch! (So great. Thank you for the sweet thoughts)

You are loved

[lissysadmin.livejournal.com]

Folks back off from sutuations that make THEM feel awkward, w/o considering how that affects others- just a sucky fact of life. I only know you from LJ, but I am certain that you are a strong loving mother, a kickass writer of not just fanfic, but also gardening info and wow, some really great food porn. Give yourself permission to feel hurt, recognize that it is absolutely not a reflection on you, but just fear from the folks who know about your travails, and feel the love you have inspired in your own fans. I am proud to be your fan and would consider it an honor and a privilege to have a glass of vino and nosh on some of that original and creative panini w/ you. <3. XOXO

<3 <3 <3

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Aww, thank you so much for the words of encouragement! I rolled in self pity for a bit, then got my butt out in the garden and did manual labor. That's always good for what ails you (unless you've become ill/injured from manual labor, in which case, you should stop. :D)

Thank you for this, sweetheart!!!

Just a few things

[jaysons-lady.livejournal.com]

1. HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. People still have cocktail parties? Is that a Texas thing? Like Dallas, but without the shoulder pads and floofy 80s dresses? I thought those were a thing of the past like 60s hippie free love orgies and communes.

3. I was always under the impression that the thing to do when your friend is feeling blue is to show up with chocolate ice cream and a movie with pretty guys in it (be it Rom/Com, Comedy, Horror-comedy or whatever their fave genre is)

4. I LOVE your writing. Every bit of it that I have read, and I got here by reading Sparkledammerung and stuck around. Also I love Stallioncrest and hope that maybe someday there will be the possibility of seeing a webisode or two of that. And I love love love Trust Fall, you totally have Stiles down to a tee (is that how it's spelled, idk?) and it was awesomesause and got me through until season three started. And I hope some day the Oh My Heck book will get published b/c when it does I will have it pre-ordered or buy it the first day it is out.

5. A movie suggestion (it's available on Netflix instant watching thingie) Iron Sky. It's campy and good, and was funded by Kickstarter, and me and my husband both thought it was excellent. It might make you laugh a bit?

6. Also, HUGS HUGS HUGS!!!

Re: Just a few things

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

2. OF COURSE! That people still have cocktail parties, not necessarily in Texas. Who doesn't love parties? Or cocktails?

4. Stallioncrest is being filmed (partially) tomorrow, in fact! I spent the weekend being productive instead of wallowing in woe. :)

I will TAKE those hugs most gratefully and offer you some in return! <3 <3 <3

[rocketlaunching.livejournal.com]

Everyone that I've been friends with here in my town has pretty much dropped me because of all the struggles with the family

Then they were not true friends to begin with. You are an amazingly strong woman, and an incredible writer and gardener. Fuck them.

If you didn't live so far from me, I'd take you out. If I'm ever in Texas, I'll let you know and I'll buy you lots and lots of wine.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

You are right that they weren't true friends. Or I know a lot of selfish people. Those are not mutually exclusive from one another, I realize. ;)

YOU HAD ME AT BUY ME LOTS OF WINE.

[harmonyfb.livejournal.com]

Stoney, you are super-awesome. Don't ever doubt that.

The sucky thing about the internet is the same thing as what is good about the internet: finding folks who are meant to be your friends but who live many hours away. :/

My suggestion: Download Skype, buy a bottle of wine and something really yummy to eat, and have a long face-to-face phone call over the computer. Maybe watch a couple of episodes of something fun while you're talking to each other over the computer (yay, technology!) It's not perfect, but at least it's a start.

::hugs you::

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Some of my dearest friends of all time are from the internet, and yep, they're all over the world. STUPID GLOBE BEING TOO HUGE.

But then again, thank goodness for the internet so I don't have to wait for letters from pen pals. ;D