Things that make you go ewwwww

[stoney321]

Alert reader zyrya sent me a link for a terrificly horrible fic, and as a public service, I like to read bad(great!)fic and give you the "gist" of the crap, er genius. My personal favorite bad!fic writer has taken great pains to simply become ho-hum, so this was a welcome sight. Not to say my bad!fic writer hasn't given me a few gems lately...


Passages I have actually read today:

• After having good ol' missionary-position sex, Buffy has carpet burns on her spine, lower back (uh... redundant?) and KNEES. That is one bendy girl, or a very large stack of pillows the author failed to mention.


• "Her scent was on his face, his lips and tongue THREATENING to ruin his hopes of enjoying his smokes and whiskey." You know... the vag gets a bad rap, but THREATENING to ruin smoke? Come on, man! Ever smelled a full and old ashtray?


• "She missed the forbidden sweaty loving..." 'Cause if Buffy is one thing for sure, it's an up-tight WASP. Forbidden?? Does she practice Islam? Those who have read the Buffy as a NJ Islamic teenager know the answer to that question.


• When Buffy thinks of Spike, she closes her eyes, opens her mouth and lets her tongue out to moisten her lower lip. OMG, do this! You get bonus points if you made a "guuuuuhhhhhhhhhh" sound.


• Spike can catch a "wild buzz" off of Buffy's "juices" That's because the Buffster douches with Vag Daniels™! Helps keep your drunk-ass lover "coming" back for more!

And from PaganBaby... (no offense hon, but then... you didn't give us the same disclaimer, did you now?)

• While being cornholed on the dinner table, Buffy gets *wait for it...* CLAM sauce in her hair. Spike notices (with distaste). After coitus, Buffy seductively lounges on the bed and goes about her business. With clam sauce matted in her hair.


• Spike has a 12 inch cock (and he gained an inch only this month!) and likes to suck it himself. Which (of course) turns Buffy on. And he shoots ropey wads, almost gags, and she takes over because his "CREAMY PUDDING" [emphasis mine] is such a Haagen-Daaz treat.


• Buffy is always frantically getting her clothes off and getting into position. Zoloft seems in order, after seeing the word at least five times in one chapter...


• Buffy yips and barks when excited. Lassie from Porkys, anyone?


• It's pleasurable when Spike's girth forces her "cuntlips" inward. No mention of chafing, pubic hairs being ripped out at their roots, dryness causing a sandpaper-esque sensation...

Phrases that cause me to gag whilst eating an apple and skimming through this fic, and thereby commanding that they be recorded in list form:

• tree trunk cock


• spewing cock


• voluminous cream


• overfilled pussy


• mouth watered when she felt the cum running out of her


• SHOVED the mushroomed head into


• savored white hot GOO that just kept coming and coming


• she wanted all of his jism


• she swallowed and swallowed, almost gagging a few times when a particularly forceful blast hit the back of her throat

That was all in one paragraph. And emphasis mine. Shoved? Mmm. Baby, get the shoe horn. And axle grease. I want that drainage pipe wedged up my box so I can feel true joy. 12 inches?!? Did she surgically have her uterus and spleen and pancreas and the majority of her lower intestines removed to enable him to fit her "like a glove?" Does that make anyone else picture OJ jamming his hand into the shrunken leather of Exhibit A?

Imma go lie down now.

[ETA] because I forgot to turn my paper over. Yes, I take notes.

• After deep YOGA BREATHING, Spike can "hunch over, grab his knees and fit his dick (which comes mid-way up his chest, she mentions) into his mouth. While Buffy "hungrily" licks its "root." And he can DEEP THROAT it. This is one seriously specific kink of hers.


• Spike has a horse cock. She likes to remind us of this fact. I think she's never seen a REAL horse cock, or she wouldn't be so cavalier with her word usage.


• he "fires off salvos into her" And the rocket's red glare!/ The clam sauce in her hair/ Gave proof that this hack/ Writes bad!fic with no care...

Comments

[tx-cronopio.livejournal.com]

Creamy Pudding? Hey, I LIKE giving head, but that one phrase is enough to make me celibate for a long long time.

Excuse me while I go shudder.

[paynbow.livejournal.com]

After having good ol' missionary-position sex, Buffy has carpet burns on her spine, lower back (uh... redundant?) and KNEES.

Wow...that's SOME Missionary-position sex...what, was she kneeling and then she lay back while his enormous mushroom enchanted her forrest?

I think I've actually read that CREAMY PUDDING story. It rings a vague bell...and there is a story of Buffy as an Islamic teen? WHERE is this story and WHY have I not heard of it? Becuase FORBIDDEN love is such a rareity! And if it's sweaty? So much the better! :p

I think the moral of the story is never eat ANYTHING while reading bad!fic. I might have been put off apples for life...

[cityphonelines.livejournal.com]

Ahhh, PaganBaby, yes, yes, back when I read Spuffy fic in equal measure as Spander fic, shhh! I stumbled upon her and even bookmarked her sight so I could get to the gut bustin' entertainment easily. That chick takes the cake man. In fact, hold on, hold on...

Ah yes! Here we go: PaganBaby fic in which Buffy is hired to house sit for Giles and Anya and is paid an additional fee for watching over their 16 yr. old twin boys, William and Spike (whose real name is Randy). Of course she realizes that despite their vastly different personalities, she is equally attracted to them both. She sucks 'em, she fucks 'em and wait for it... the twins suck and fuck each other! And form a psychic connection because of their incestuous behavior. (http://paganbaby.still-believe.org/stories/thesitter.html)

Godspeed.

[cityphonelines.livejournal.com]

And of course that should say: I stumbled upon her and even bookmarked her SITE.

Comments need an edit button, fer real.

[mirasol.livejournal.com]

tree trunk cock? dwarf willow or sequioa?

[mirasol.livejournal.com]

sequoia. damn.

[julissak01.livejournal.com]

Spike can catch a "wild buzz" off of Buffy's "juices" That's because the Buffster douches with Vag Daniels™! Helps keep your drunk-ass lover "coming" back for more!

::spits out her coffee all over her lap top screen::

Meanie! Guuh. Not the sexually excited kind of 'guh', but the guh that makes me want to tear my hair out and pull an Angel celibacy complex out of my ass.

Reading bad fic is also such an ego booster. When you think your writing sucks, take a load of the twelve inch cock of DOOM, and you're cool.

[julia-here.livejournal.com]

It's at moments like this that I appreciate my autodelete brain function for truly bad fic.

The detail of the clamsauce in hair is particularly WTF- because, you know, if a merely mediocre writer has a character get something icky on their person, it's for purposes of setting up Hot! Shower! Sex!, not to just gross the reader out for the moment and then be forgotten...

Julia, failing spectacularly in finishing Chapter 20, even though I know it just needs to go to the point where everyone's half way through the action or it'll run three times as long as usual

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Dude, I had to go back and add some more. WOW.

This chick has a seriously specific kink. One that I do NOT share.

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

You deserve a temple built in your honor for Vag Daniels^TM alone. Is that at the Walgreens next to the Chasers^TM?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Dude, I had to tack on a bit more. Go to badbuffyfic and it should be two or three posts back for the Islamic teen Buffy fic. It's HORRIBLE. And not in the fun way. No quotation marks to indicate speech, serious MarySue-ing...

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Dude. You have totally made my night.

WHEEEEE!!!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

BWAH!!

One day, it will stand as a testament to a simpler time, petrified for posterity, and a caverous tunnel will be cut into it so that travelers can drive their cars through it and marvel at it's greatness.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Which is EXACTLY why I love to read it.

*grins*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Ooh! And I saw you posted a new chapter today! Will add to my printed pile, as I was unable to read as much as I wanted on my trip...

And as to the clam sauce in her hair: she made a huge point in writing about Spike noticing it to what? Forget and move on to them remarking on their love for each other?

Oh! The end of the chapter indicates that Spike is not yet 18 in her fic. Which is just weird to me.

[radia.livejournal.com]

Oh god, PaganBaby. I remember reading one of her fics where Spike had a fourteen inch cock, and started spouting off like, gallons of "white, ropy cum."

Now I have a permamently disturbing mental image of him as the most unconventional Spiderman EVAR. Maybe I'll rewrite the themesong to fit our new cum-slinging hero!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Vag Daniels™ is in the personal hygiene aisle of your local liquor store, Sue! Duh.

Next to the Bailey's Nipple-Soak™ and Cream of Cum™.

It's like you've never bought it, or something.
*boggles*

[paynbow.livejournal.com]

Oh, I will find and read...as for Paganbaby...yeah, I've got that site bookmarked. There's a funny little kerfuffle going on right now becuase someone had the audacity, AUDACITY!!! to write a negative comment in the comment box. The person said that the stories were all smut, no plot and everyone else said PaganBaby was the BEST writer in fandom!!!

I'm currently reading the one where Buffy's a teacher, Spike's teh HAWTEST STUDENT EVA!!! and they have the love that they dare not speak it's name...so far they've each whacked off at the thought of the other with their electric tingly bodies and teh SUPREME HAWTNESS of the other...

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

AHHHHH!!!

SPIDERMAN!!
*laughs uproariously*
*watches MrMonkeybottoms' Spiderman vid with newly awakened eyes*

I have skipped over her in the past... I just... It's that... Okay. I just got back from visiting my friend at a horse farm, and let's just say REAL horse cocks are FRIGHTENING and gross. Just... not a personal kink. And ropey come is funky, you know? Blech.

[zyrya]

Oh, the pain! The pain!

I can't think of anything less appealing than being "split" by anyone's "massive tool" for hours on end. Oh, no wait, I can ... being tool-split while lying in a bowl of clam sauce.

::shudders::

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

link me, please. Or tell me where this site is so that I may laugh.

WOW!! I have, you know, shit to do in my life. People got all up in that person's grill, yo? That's hilarious!

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

Nah, Caza's more a fan of the Coochie Creme de Menthe. You know he likes his sugar....

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

It's a close second to my personal (it's like she writes the stories for meeee) bad!fic writer who had Spike muse that he wanted to crawl up inside of Buffy, or at least stick his head up there.

For a little looly-loo, you see.

O_-

[paynbow.livejournal.com]

Bring on the FUNNY! (http://paganbaby.still-believe.org/panther.html)

Enjoy, hun, cause wow...I sit here giggling *g*

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

Holy shit - I just saw the Star Spangled homage...and I'm like, swallowing my tongue now. ('Cause I, sadly, have no other appendages to swallow. Is a tongue an appendage?)