Things that make you go ewwwww
Mar. 29th, 2005 05:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stoney321Alert reader ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
zyrya sent me a link for a terrificly horrible fic, and as a public service, I like to read bad(great!)fic and give you the "gist" of the crap, er genius. My personal favorite bad!fic writer has taken great pains to simply become ho-hum, so this was a welcome sight. Not to say my bad!fic writer hasn't given me a few gems lately...
Passages I have actually read today:
And from PaganBaby... (no offense hon, but then... you didn't give us the same disclaimer, did you now?)
Phrases that cause me to gag whilst eating an apple and skimming through this fic, and thereby commanding that they be recorded in list form:
That was all in one paragraph. And emphasis mine. Shoved? Mmm. Baby, get the shoe horn. And axle grease. I want that drainage pipe wedged up my box so I can feel true joy. 12 inches?!? Did she surgically have her uterus and spleen and pancreas and the majority of her lower intestines removed to enable him to fit her "like a glove?" Does that make anyone else picture OJ jamming his hand into the shrunken leather of Exhibit A?
Imma go lie down now.
[ETA] because I forgot to turn my paper over. Yes, I take notes.
zyrya sent me a link for a terrificly horrible fic, and as a public service, I like to read bad(great!)fic and give you the "gist" of the crap, er genius. My personal favorite bad!fic writer has taken great pains to simply become ho-hum, so this was a welcome sight. Not to say my bad!fic writer hasn't given me a few gems lately...Passages I have actually read today:
- After having good ol' missionary-position sex, Buffy has carpet burns on her spine, lower back (uh... redundant?) and KNEES. That is one bendy girl, or a very large stack of pillows the author failed to mention.
- "Her scent was on his face, his lips and tongue THREATENING to ruin his hopes of enjoying his smokes and whiskey." You know... the vag gets a bad rap, but THREATENING to ruin smoke? Come on, man! Ever smelled a full and old ashtray?
- "She missed the forbidden sweaty loving..." 'Cause if Buffy is one thing for sure, it's an up-tight WASP. Forbidden?? Does she practice Islam? Those who have read the Buffy as a NJ Islamic teenager know the answer to that question.
- When Buffy thinks of Spike, she closes her eyes, opens her mouth and lets her tongue out to moisten her lower lip. OMG, do this! You get bonus points if you made a "guuuuuhhhhhhhhhh" sound.
- Spike can catch a "wild buzz" off of Buffy's "juices" That's because the Buffster douches with Vag Daniels™! Helps keep your drunk-ass lover "coming" back for more!
And from PaganBaby... (no offense hon, but then... you didn't give us the same disclaimer, did you now?)
- While being cornholed on the dinner table, Buffy gets *wait for it...* CLAM sauce in her hair. Spike notices (with distaste). After coitus, Buffy seductively lounges on the bed and goes about her business. With clam sauce matted in her hair.
- Spike has a 12 inch cock (and he gained an inch only this month!) and likes to suck it himself. Which (of course) turns Buffy on. And he shoots ropey wads, almost gags, and she takes over because his "CREAMY PUDDING" [emphasis mine] is such a Haagen-Daaz treat.
- Buffy is always frantically getting her clothes off and getting into position. Zoloft seems in order, after seeing the word at least five times in one chapter...
- Buffy yips and barks when excited. Lassie from Porkys, anyone?
- It's pleasurable when Spike's girth forces her "cuntlips" inward. No mention of chafing, pubic hairs being ripped out at their roots, dryness causing a sandpaper-esque sensation...
Phrases that cause me to gag whilst eating an apple and skimming through this fic, and thereby commanding that they be recorded in list form:
- tree trunk cock
- spewing cock
- voluminous cream
- overfilled pussy
- mouth watered when she felt the cum running out of her
- SHOVED the mushroomed head into
- savored white hot GOO that just kept coming and coming
- she wanted all of his jism
- she swallowed and swallowed, almost gagging a few times when a particularly forceful blast hit the back of her throat
That was all in one paragraph. And emphasis mine. Shoved? Mmm. Baby, get the shoe horn. And axle grease. I want that drainage pipe wedged up my box so I can feel true joy. 12 inches?!? Did she surgically have her uterus and spleen and pancreas and the majority of her lower intestines removed to enable him to fit her "like a glove?" Does that make anyone else picture OJ jamming his hand into the shrunken leather of Exhibit A?
Imma go lie down now.
[ETA] because I forgot to turn my paper over. Yes, I take notes.
- After deep YOGA BREATHING, Spike can "hunch over, grab his knees and fit his dick (which comes mid-way up his chest, she mentions) into his mouth. While Buffy "hungrily" licks its "root." And he can DEEP THROAT it. This is one seriously specific kink of hers.
- Spike has a horse cock. She likes to remind us of this fact. I think she's never seen a REAL horse cock, or she wouldn't be so cavalier with her word usage.
- he "fires off salvos into her" And the rocket's red glare!/ The clam sauce in her hair/ Gave proof that this hack/ Writes bad!fic with no care...
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2005-03-29 03:54 pm (UTC)Excuse me while I go shudder.
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Date: 2005-03-29 04:29 pm (UTC)This chick has a seriously specific kink. One that I do NOT share.
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Date: 2005-03-29 04:01 pm (UTC)Wow...that's SOME Missionary-position sex...what, was she kneeling and then she lay back while his enormous mushroom enchanted her forrest?
I think I've actually read that CREAMY PUDDING story. It rings a vague bell...and there is a story of Buffy as an Islamic teen? WHERE is this story and WHY have I not heard of it? Becuase FORBIDDEN love is such a rareity! And if it's sweaty? So much the better! :p
I think the moral of the story is never eat ANYTHING while reading bad!fic. I might have been put off apples for life...
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Date: 2005-03-29 04:31 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2005-03-29 04:02 pm (UTC)Ah yes! Here we go: PaganBaby fic in which Buffy is hired to house sit for Giles and Anya and is paid an additional fee for watching over their 16 yr. old twin boys, William and Spike (whose real name is Randy). Of course she realizes that despite their vastly different personalities, she is equally attracted to them both. She sucks 'em, she fucks 'em and wait for it... the twins suck and fuck each other! And form a psychic connection because of their incestuous behavior. (http://paganbaby.still-believe.org/stories/thesitter.html)
Godspeed.
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Date: 2005-03-29 04:04 pm (UTC)Comments need an edit button, fer real.
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Date: 2005-03-29 04:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-29 04:09 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2005-03-29 04:10 pm (UTC)::spits out her coffee all over her lap top screen::
Meanie! Guuh. Not the sexually excited kind of 'guh', but the guh that makes me want to tear my hair out and pull an Angel celibacy complex out of my ass.
Reading bad fic is also such an ego booster. When you think your writing sucks, take a load of the twelve inch cock of DOOM, and you're cool.
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Date: 2005-03-29 04:33 pm (UTC)*grins*
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Date: 2005-03-29 04:25 pm (UTC)The detail of the clamsauce in hair is particularly WTF- because, you know, if a merely mediocre writer has a character get something icky on their person, it's for purposes of setting up Hot! Shower! Sex!, not to just gross the reader out for the moment and then be forgotten...
Julia, failing spectacularly in finishing Chapter 20, even though I know it just needs to go to the point where everyone's half way through the action or it'll run three times as long as usual
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Date: 2005-03-29 04:35 pm (UTC)And as to the clam sauce in her hair: she made a huge point in writing about Spike noticing it to what? Forget and move on to them remarking on their love for each other?
Oh! The end of the chapter indicates that Spike is not yet 18 in her fic. Which is just weird to me.
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Date: 2005-03-29 04:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-29 04:37 pm (UTC)Next to the Bailey's Nipple-Soak™ and Cream of Cum™.
It's like you've never bought it, or something.
*boggles*
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Date: 2005-03-29 04:35 pm (UTC)Now I have a permamently disturbing mental image of him as the most unconventional Spiderman EVAR. Maybe I'll rewrite the themesong to fit our new cum-slinging hero!
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Date: 2005-03-29 04:39 pm (UTC)SPIDERMAN!!
*laughs uproariously*
*watches MrMonkeybottoms' Spiderman vid with newly awakened eyes*
I have skipped over her in the past... I just... It's that... Okay. I just got back from visiting my friend at a horse farm, and let's just say REAL horse cocks are FRIGHTENING and gross. Just... not a personal kink. And ropey come is funky, you know? Blech.
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Date: 2005-03-29 04:39 pm (UTC)I can't think of anything less appealing than being "split" by anyone's "massive tool" for hours on end. Oh, no wait, I can ... being tool-split while lying in a bowl of clam sauce.
::shudders::
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Date: 2005-03-29 04:42 pm (UTC)For a little looly-loo, you see.
O_-
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Date: 2005-03-29 04:55 pm (UTC)My favorite:
That's because the Buffster douches with Vag Daniels™! Helps keep your drunk-ass lover "coming" back for more!
*giggles*
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Date: 2005-03-29 05:44 pm (UTC)*guffaws and chortles*
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Date: 2005-03-29 05:07 pm (UTC)Poor chiclet, what do you figure she is...14?
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Date: 2005-03-29 05:45 pm (UTC)Did you see the link to "Super Cum" above?
WOW. I haven't read that one in a while. It bears re-reading, it is so glorious in its awfulness.
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Date: 2005-03-29 05:21 pm (UTC)CREAMY PUDDING! The latest flavor from JelloTM!
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Date: 2005-03-29 05:47 pm (UTC)Now ya see, with the kids getting crazy with the guns and the rap and the junk food, you gotta get 'em to eat the food with the good stuff and the kids'll go to school and be smart and stay off the drugs and then you feel better.
Give 'em creamy pudding. Tell 'em The Coz sent ya.
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Date: 2005-03-29 05:25 pm (UTC)Please tell me you have a link to this?
tree trunk cock
Owwwwww.
And yeah...she's obviously never actually seen a stallion. Or even a gelding, for that matter. Wow. I am awestruck.
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Date: 2005-03-29 05:48 pm (UTC)The Buffy fic is linked in the
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Date: 2005-03-29 05:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-29 05:51 pm (UTC)Notes!! How else am I going to keep count of the word "frantically" and references to Spike's horse cock? HOW?!?
Hee hee!
This just in: Boys Like Nipple Stuff
Date: 2005-03-29 06:25 pm (UTC)All good, but this one got me the the hottest (with horse cock a second, because? mmMMmm....pretty.):
Spike can "hunch over, grab his knees and fit his dick (which comes mid-way up his chest, she mentions) into his mouth. While Buffy "hungrily" licks its "root." And he can DEEP THROAT it. This is one seriously specific kink of hers. Wheee!
I clicked on one of the links above and can I just say the one word that caught my eye and blinded me with its hot, hot sexiness? Skull-fuck. I also noted that at one point they 'worked each other's equipment' (and are you wondering for how long? Well, I will tell you. For 10 minutes). It made me get all swolle up. Down there.
Re: This just in: Boys Like Nipple Stuff
Date: 2005-03-29 07:25 pm (UTC)I mean, have any of you ever SEEN (and I'm talking, up close and personal) a horse cock? Forget horse. What about a donkey? Before I edjicated mahsef, I thought a "donkey punch" was a reference to their cock.
And I have spun out of control in this comment. I will get to your fic soon, I swear it!!! It's been crazy today. CRAZY!!
*donkey punches self, which is amazing, really*
Re: This just in: Boys Like Nipple Stuff
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Date: 2005-03-29 06:37 pm (UTC)I literally spewed tea at the laptop (thank goodness I missed), reading some of the little phrases she used in one paragraph. It makes sex seem kind of gross. 12 inches? WTF. Maybe she sips a little Jack while she writes. Could explain the word usage.
Now I have to go the link and be a lurky-loo. What have you done to us? Hehehehe.
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Date: 2005-03-29 07:19 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:Stoney went to a church school????????????
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From:Re: It's the sign of the Apocolypse!!
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Date: 2005-03-29 07:25 pm (UTC)Either that or she is kinkier than... Catherine the Great?
Julia, that is deeply disturbing
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Date: 2005-03-29 07:28 pm (UTC)Okay, hon, we get it. You like 'em thick and large. Which tells me you have had eightteen children and have a "relaxed" stance.
And I've just bothered my own failing sensibilities.
Stoney, where being around livestock enough has taught me many things, some of which are people are jest tetched in the head to think the way they do.
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Date: 2005-03-29 07:41 pm (UTC)(Almost.)
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Date: 2005-03-29 08:14 pm (UTC)*leers at you, ya big perv*
:-D
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Date: 2005-03-29 08:05 pm (UTC)Ahh, good ole PaganBaby. The only author to actually make me physically scared of having sex after the reading of one of her stories. Gotta say though, I've always loved her in a special weird sort of way. A PaganBaby fic is like watching a porno - you know, the kind that contain things like 'golden showers' and farm girls being raped by horses.
Have you read Head of the Class? Gives new meaning to the word 'shame'. You'll love it. :D
http://www.spuffyfantasy.com/
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Date: 2005-03-29 08:12 pm (UTC)*is conveniently overlooking the fact that this proves she has PaganBaby's site bookmarked*
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Date: 2005-03-29 08:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-30 07:42 am (UTC)dum DUM de dum...
Does it bother you that I'm wearing a hot-pink latex mini-dress with belly flab cut-outs to marry you?
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Date: 2005-03-29 08:38 pm (UTC)Anyway, it became a huge joke between my boyfriend and me. He'd show me a baseball bat, or an umbrella, or something, and I'd shriek, "Oh my god, no way, Kevin's waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay bigger than that." Then, we just got to where we'd say in front of anyone, especially people who didn't know what we were talking about, "Oh my god no, it's waaaaaaaaaaaaay bigger than that," or "oh no, he's waaaaaaaaaaaaay bigger than that." Everyone thought we were disgusting nuts, but my dumb roommate would just smile and laugh. She either didn't know, or didn't care that we were making fun of her.
These stories you shared sound like something she would have written at 18.
Thanks for sharing those links. They were all sooooooooooo hilarious. And Spike is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay bigger than that! And you could park a car inside Buffy now!
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Date: 2005-03-30 07:44 am (UTC)"Dude, my clit is so long I dip it in paint and run down the street to make the lane lines."
"Man, mine is so long I can snake a toilet."
I told you they ruined me.
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Date: 2005-03-29 10:00 pm (UTC)Bad!Fic on my birth-day! Tra la la la la! ::is happy::
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Date: 2005-03-30 07:44 am (UTC)*is happy with you*
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Date: 2005-03-29 10:33 pm (UTC)No one could write intentional bad!fic to be as funny as this stuff. And you are so funny that I can't wait to mooch off you in SF and we can scoff martinis and laugh at the little people. But laughing at dwarfs is wrong, so we'll stop and laugh at bad!fic writers instead. Because are we cooler than over sexed 14 year olds with crappy literary aspiration? Oh hell yeah we are!
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Date: 2005-03-30 07:45 am (UTC)I CANNOT WAIT FOR SF!!!!
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Date: 2005-03-30 04:03 am (UTC)Unfortunately I haven't had the time lately to read any bad!fic. One day I will. So....
Thank you! Thank you ! Thank you! Your synopses are much needed and appreciated.
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Date: 2005-03-30 07:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-30 06:03 am (UTC)LMAO that one brought tears to my eyes for some reason ;)
Angela
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Date: 2005-03-30 07:47 am (UTC)YEEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUCCCCHHHH.
Hee!!
*smooshes you and wishes you better health in April*