See Stoney Spam. Spam, Stoney, Spam!
May. 25th, 2005 01:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stoney321I'm all energetic and spazzy today, and got to thinking about PSAs in fic. And how I *HATE* that. You know, you're reading a pretty decent story, then all of a sudden, the writer decides to make sure you know our make-believe vampires practice safe-sex. Or, like my bad!fic from yesterday, give you blow by blow details about an abortion and that is just PERFECT for a Buffy story.
As![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
elcazavampiros once said, if a vampire can fall from a 30 story building, get up, and run away, he's not needing the ease of lube. Seriously. Just tell your frickin' story, without jolting me out. Unless the act of lubing up (or WHATEVER) is hot. Or fits.
And this got me to thinking about PSAs in the first place. How they are now punishments for celebrities with DUIs. And that cracks me up. So, what if we cast some real PSAs with Joss' characters who are bad? (For those not familiar with the concept, PSAs are Public Service Announcements. You'll catch on.)
PSA #1: A Parent's Example
Angel stands in the doorway, a cold shiver washes down his spine. His feet are like lead. His son is crouched over a slumping form, a form Angel is all too familiar with: the dead body of a young girl. Connor hears a noise behind him and turns, revealing the splatters of blood on his face, his shirt, his hands. Angel blinks then crosses the room, grabs his son and begins to drag him away and out.
"Connor! What- How could- Where did you learn to do this?"
Connor squinches up his face with rage, hurt, and teen angst and sputters, "From you!! I learned it from you!"
Parents, be careful of the example you set for your children. They are watching you. As well as millions of viewers, I might add. If you kill virgins and nuns, don't be surprised if your children follow in your footsteps.
PSA #2: A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste
"Janice is so lame. She totally stopped skipping school with me because her study hall teacher found out and she's all scared of Mr. Turner telling her mom. Whatever. I so don't care about Buffy finding out. What? Like she has any room to complain. She totally skipped school, like, all the time."
"Dawn, that's because she was out saving the world. Are you saving the world? More like getting your kicks."
"Please. Like you even care if I get an education? Hey. You didn't finish that story from last night. About the Italian soccer team? I bet they were hot."
"Well, I wouldn't know about that -" (eyeroll) "- although Dru wanted to turn a few. I suspect she fancied them and their powerful, lean legs."
(cough)
"What? Vampire. I prefer a healthy body over some fat sot. Taste better. Now, what I really liked to sink my teeth into was the smart ones. Rip off their heads, split their skull, feast on some nice grey matter. 'Feasting on knowledge.' Did pretty well with my schooling, now that I think of it. Dru, though... She just liked the pretty ones. The young ones. Never did split their skulls. Tried to tell her... That's like getting a fine bottle of wine and dumping it all over the ground. Terrible waste."
"Spike? Are you trying to teach my sister that a mind is a terrible thing to waste in the most disgusting manner EVER? Dawn? Get your butt in school, or you'll-"
"Find out what Slayer strength really is, yeah, yeah. I'm going, jeez."
"Okay, she's gone. Get your pants off."
PSA #3: The More You Know...
Hi. I'm Darla. You might recognize me from such slaughters as the Bloody Massacre at the House of Bath in 1743, or from the Boxer Rebellion, where I feasted on an entire orphange. Needy kids, just like these here. (Darla sits down, pulls one of the children into her lap, strokes its hair)
There are hundreds of thousands of these kids all over the world. Children without parents, without homes, without hope. Most of these children will die. They starve, they are abducted, or (shrugs) just go missing. All they need is a place to call home with a family to love them. You can help. Contact your local adoption center if you are interested in helping these children live another day.
And remember: The more you know... (snaps the childs neck, vamps out) The more you don't care.
PSA #4: Be a Blood Donor
(We see a handsome, dark-haired man walking along a dark street, an ambulance's lights flickering in the dark. Xander walks towards the camera)
Did you know that every two seconds someone in the United States needs blood? Our nation's stores are almost depleted. If you are healthy, disease free, you could be a donor. All it takes is a few minutes of your day, but those minutes and that gift could save a life.
Be a donor. One day, it could be you who needs blood one day.
(Spike looks up, vamped out, blood bags pilfered from the ambulance in his fists, blood dripping down his face) Too right, mate. More blood 's what's needed. Looks like today is my day. Tell 'em, Percy.
Spike? Could we not do this? HEY!
PSA #5; Only YOU Can Prevent Forest Fires
The flames flicker, dancing on the backs of the giant trees. Furry little puppies scamper, their coats singed. The hart wants to save its baby, but it flees before the roaring, roaring, ROARING of the flames. Snap, crackle, POP!
It's beautiful.
Spike? I'm hungry again. Can I eat the cameraman now? He looks awful tasty. Like a plump, roasted pig.
PSA #6: Be a Mentor
So, what? Go now? Hey. I'm Faith. So like, there are kids who are all jacked up because they don't have anyone cracking skulls at home, you know? And some of them are weak and can't figure some shit out. And, uh, you should look into helping some of these punks so I don't have to go behind them and save their dumb asses because no grownup gave them the sense to not wander the streets at night. God. IDIOTS.
Some people just shouldn't breed, you know? Oh, right. Yeah, call your local chapter of "Big Brother" or "Big Sister," or whatever the hell they are called and help one of these kids not be so goddamned stupid. WHAT? I said what you wanted me to say, god.
Pffft. I'm audi.
[ETA]
PSA#7: Reading is Fundamental
Oh, hello! Rupert Giles, resident librarian at Sunnydale High School. For so many of us, reading is a way for us to escape the rigors of life, or to open and expand our minds to the world unknown.
(Sound of sucking in air and giggling)
As I was saying, books, and losing oneself in them, can bring such pleasure to a person's life. But there are children who haven't been taught to read. Yes, appalling, I know.
(A giggling voice affecting a British accent) Yes. Rather. Indubitably.
(A bit louder) Reading is fundamental. Teach a child to read, and you may very well save their life.
(a *pffft* can be heard) Buffy? You were given every opportuntity and you turned it down. Now hush up.
Giles? Honey? That was me. You kids want to go check out the Magic Box?
Jenny?!
More, continued h e r e
As
elcazavampiros once said, if a vampire can fall from a 30 story building, get up, and run away, he's not needing the ease of lube. Seriously. Just tell your frickin' story, without jolting me out. Unless the act of lubing up (or WHATEVER) is hot. Or fits.And this got me to thinking about PSAs in the first place. How they are now punishments for celebrities with DUIs. And that cracks me up. So, what if we cast some real PSAs with Joss' characters who are bad? (For those not familiar with the concept, PSAs are Public Service Announcements. You'll catch on.)
PSA #1: A Parent's Example
Angel stands in the doorway, a cold shiver washes down his spine. His feet are like lead. His son is crouched over a slumping form, a form Angel is all too familiar with: the dead body of a young girl. Connor hears a noise behind him and turns, revealing the splatters of blood on his face, his shirt, his hands. Angel blinks then crosses the room, grabs his son and begins to drag him away and out.
"Connor! What- How could- Where did you learn to do this?"
Connor squinches up his face with rage, hurt, and teen angst and sputters, "From you!! I learned it from you!"
Parents, be careful of the example you set for your children. They are watching you. As well as millions of viewers, I might add. If you kill virgins and nuns, don't be surprised if your children follow in your footsteps.
PSA #2: A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste
"Janice is so lame. She totally stopped skipping school with me because her study hall teacher found out and she's all scared of Mr. Turner telling her mom. Whatever. I so don't care about Buffy finding out. What? Like she has any room to complain. She totally skipped school, like, all the time."
"Dawn, that's because she was out saving the world. Are you saving the world? More like getting your kicks."
"Please. Like you even care if I get an education? Hey. You didn't finish that story from last night. About the Italian soccer team? I bet they were hot."
"Well, I wouldn't know about that -" (eyeroll) "- although Dru wanted to turn a few. I suspect she fancied them and their powerful, lean legs."
(cough)
"What? Vampire. I prefer a healthy body over some fat sot. Taste better. Now, what I really liked to sink my teeth into was the smart ones. Rip off their heads, split their skull, feast on some nice grey matter. 'Feasting on knowledge.' Did pretty well with my schooling, now that I think of it. Dru, though... She just liked the pretty ones. The young ones. Never did split their skulls. Tried to tell her... That's like getting a fine bottle of wine and dumping it all over the ground. Terrible waste."
"Spike? Are you trying to teach my sister that a mind is a terrible thing to waste in the most disgusting manner EVER? Dawn? Get your butt in school, or you'll-"
"Find out what Slayer strength really is, yeah, yeah. I'm going, jeez."
"Okay, she's gone. Get your pants off."
PSA #3: The More You Know...
Hi. I'm Darla. You might recognize me from such slaughters as the Bloody Massacre at the House of Bath in 1743, or from the Boxer Rebellion, where I feasted on an entire orphange. Needy kids, just like these here. (Darla sits down, pulls one of the children into her lap, strokes its hair)
There are hundreds of thousands of these kids all over the world. Children without parents, without homes, without hope. Most of these children will die. They starve, they are abducted, or (shrugs) just go missing. All they need is a place to call home with a family to love them. You can help. Contact your local adoption center if you are interested in helping these children live another day.
And remember: The more you know... (snaps the childs neck, vamps out) The more you don't care.
PSA #4: Be a Blood Donor
(We see a handsome, dark-haired man walking along a dark street, an ambulance's lights flickering in the dark. Xander walks towards the camera)
Did you know that every two seconds someone in the United States needs blood? Our nation's stores are almost depleted. If you are healthy, disease free, you could be a donor. All it takes is a few minutes of your day, but those minutes and that gift could save a life.
Be a donor. One day, it could be you who needs blood one day.
(Spike looks up, vamped out, blood bags pilfered from the ambulance in his fists, blood dripping down his face) Too right, mate. More blood 's what's needed. Looks like today is my day. Tell 'em, Percy.
Spike? Could we not do this? HEY!
PSA #5; Only YOU Can Prevent Forest Fires
The flames flicker, dancing on the backs of the giant trees. Furry little puppies scamper, their coats singed. The hart wants to save its baby, but it flees before the roaring, roaring, ROARING of the flames. Snap, crackle, POP!
It's beautiful.
Spike? I'm hungry again. Can I eat the cameraman now? He looks awful tasty. Like a plump, roasted pig.
PSA #6: Be a Mentor
So, what? Go now? Hey. I'm Faith. So like, there are kids who are all jacked up because they don't have anyone cracking skulls at home, you know? And some of them are weak and can't figure some shit out. And, uh, you should look into helping some of these punks so I don't have to go behind them and save their dumb asses because no grownup gave them the sense to not wander the streets at night. God. IDIOTS.
Some people just shouldn't breed, you know? Oh, right. Yeah, call your local chapter of "Big Brother" or "Big Sister," or whatever the hell they are called and help one of these kids not be so goddamned stupid. WHAT? I said what you wanted me to say, god.
Pffft. I'm audi.
[ETA]
PSA#7: Reading is Fundamental
Oh, hello! Rupert Giles, resident librarian at Sunnydale High School. For so many of us, reading is a way for us to escape the rigors of life, or to open and expand our minds to the world unknown.
(Sound of sucking in air and giggling)
As I was saying, books, and losing oneself in them, can bring such pleasure to a person's life. But there are children who haven't been taught to read. Yes, appalling, I know.
(A giggling voice affecting a British accent) Yes. Rather. Indubitably.
(A bit louder) Reading is fundamental. Teach a child to read, and you may very well save their life.
(a *pffft* can be heard) Buffy? You were given every opportuntity and you turned it down. Now hush up.
Giles? Honey? That was me. You kids want to go check out the Magic Box?
Jenny?!
More, continued h e r e
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
I Said Goddamn!
Date: 2005-05-25 11:11 am (UTC)Gasp! And Connor found Angel's stash of hidden nuns! And his nun rolling papers! Okay, now I'm just getting silly.
Faith? Freakin' perfect. I'm kinda surprised their was a Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints one in there (You know, Vamp!Xander comes bouncing in, proud and excited, to Spike and says, "OMG! Sire - you'll be so proud - I killed the Slayer, the Watcher and the Witch!" Spike turns impatiently and snaps, "But did you turn the Watcher first so that he could watch?!")
Thank you for this. I feel enlightened.
Re: I Said Goddamn!
Date: 2005-05-25 11:12 am (UTC)Re: I Said Goddamn!
From:Re: I Said Goddamn!
From:Re: I Said Goddamn!
From:Little House on the Tornado Alley
From:(no subject)
From:Re: I Said Goddamn!
From:Re: I Said Goddamn!
From:Re: I Said Goddamn!
From:no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 11:17 am (UTC)You so just made my day. ;)
no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 11:29 am (UTC)This is Stoney's Brain on Joss
Date: 2005-05-25 11:18 am (UTC)This is my favorite PSA of all time.
Re: This is Stoney's Brain on Joss
Date: 2005-05-25 11:28 am (UTC)I love it. So overwrought... The father overcome with grief that his pot smoking has ended the WORLD as he knew it. *sob*
Re: This is Stoney's Brain on Joss
From:Re: This is Stoney's Brain on Joss
From:no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 11:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 11:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 11:33 am (UTC)Best get it out of the way before the other zombies get here.
Julia, laughing, leaving trail of crumbs for others to follow, et'c
no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 12:01 pm (UTC)*puts on foil hat to escape zombies*
no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 11:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 12:02 pm (UTC)I keep expecting your icon to say THAT.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 11:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 12:03 pm (UTC)Heh.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 11:47 am (UTC)"You know, I used to be a mousy little thing. (She morphs into S1 Willow) Never had fun, never got laid, mooned over my moronic best friend. But, hey - I got better. (Morphs into Dark!Willow) I got my shit together. I found a mentor, someone who took me under his wing and taught me about the occult and demons and magic. I learned a lot from him, and then I kicked his pasty librarian ass. Some people say magic is like crack and I've gone too far. Well, fuck them."
::television bursts into flames::
no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 12:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 11:48 am (UTC)Heeeeee. Perfect. Tell 'em, Percy.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 12:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 12:43 pm (UTC)this is brilliant. I need to come up with a Wesley ad for gun control or babystealing or something. hmmm.
I think the Faith is my favorite.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 12:53 pm (UTC)There should be one of the Mayor imploring kids to stay in school.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 12:52 pm (UTC)The Angel and Connor one?? Hands down is the Funniest. Shit. Ever.
Wait...wait no. The Darla as Sally Struthers PSA! They starve, they are abducted, or (shrugs) just go missing. Bwah.
No...no...The Faith one. The Faith one.
Damn, they're all good.
I love you so hard now.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 12:54 pm (UTC)Hee hee!
Will cover chair with plastic in the future.
From:Re: Will cover chair with plastic in the future.
From:Re: Will cover chair with plastic in the future.
From:Re: Will cover chair with plastic in the future.
From:(no subject)
From:Warning: Abuse of exclamation points ahead...
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From:no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 01:00 pm (UTC)Maybe the mayor would make one about being a mentor.
Loved all of them.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 03:13 pm (UTC)I'm looking for Darth Vader stickers for you. Wheee!! (Email me when you get the chance to let me know where I'm picking up you and Sue)
no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 01:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 03:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 01:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 03:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 01:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 03:14 pm (UTC)(Thanks, BTW!)
no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 02:01 pm (UTC)*spazzes like a spazzing THING!!!!!!!!!*
no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 03:15 pm (UTC)I love me some Winter!!!
*fistheart*
*buys you sparklies and salty snacks o'goodness*
(no subject)
From:Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha X Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
Date: 2005-05-25 02:01 pm (UTC)Wait... I see Spuffy, see Spander. Where's teh Spange?
And yo, ya got mad Faith voice skillz.
Re: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha X Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
Date: 2005-05-25 03:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 02:49 pm (UTC)I love you. So very funny.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 03:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 03:29 pm (UTC)But yeah, I don't think I've ever read a fic with PSAs in them. Possibly because they were bad to start out with, so I was able to stop.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 05:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 04:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 05:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 04:47 pm (UTC)I assume that's Drusilla with the forest fire? Sounds like the kind of thing she'd enjoy...
I love Darla and the orphans!
no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 05:43 pm (UTC)Darla! That's my favorite.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 05:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 05:44 pm (UTC)Did another one... With the Mayor, natch. Ha ha ha!
no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 06:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 06:51 pm (UTC)10Q!
no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 06:35 pm (UTC)I think I like the Connor/Angel one best: "From you!! I learned it from you!"
no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 06:51 pm (UTC)(That was my favorite mockabilly PSA, man.)
no subject
Date: 2005-05-25 08:57 pm (UTC)Dude, Faith is SMART!
Even though she doesn't know what an Achille's Heel is.
This PSA needs to be made. *sigh*
no subject
Date: 2005-05-26 05:39 am (UTC)