In which I fulfill my calling.
Jul. 7th, 2005 02:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stoney321I like to think I have one. Hush.
Okay, my sacred duty is to make people feel better. It's a character trait of my people. Heh. I wanted to put some soothing music up, but ANYONE could do that. And so, I give you a kick-ass song that makes me LAUGH AND LAUGH. Nothing like gratuitous swearing to make you feel better. Now, if Mr. Stoney will only get home on a safe flight without giving me a coronary, I'll be much better. I need all my ducklings swimming in their line behind me...
*smooch*
The Dan Band - Total Eclipse of the Heart (From Old School)
In case that one above runs out... here ya go.
"Ah Jesus, once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm fucking falling apart."
BEST. WEDDING BAND. PERFORMANCE. EVER. HA HA HA!!!
Feel free to spam this entry with jokes, hilarity, but no mimes. Or carnies. KTHX.
Okay, my sacred duty is to make people feel better. It's a character trait of my people. Heh. I wanted to put some soothing music up, but ANYONE could do that. And so, I give you a kick-ass song that makes me LAUGH AND LAUGH. Nothing like gratuitous swearing to make you feel better. Now, if Mr. Stoney will only get home on a safe flight without giving me a coronary, I'll be much better. I need all my ducklings swimming in their line behind me...
*smooch*
The Dan Band - Total Eclipse of the Heart (From Old School)
In case that one above runs out... here ya go.
"Ah Jesus, once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm fucking falling apart."
BEST. WEDDING BAND. PERFORMANCE. EVER. HA HA HA!!!
Feel free to spam this entry with jokes, hilarity, but no mimes. Or carnies. KTHX.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2005-07-07 12:13 pm (UTC)http://www.mnzoo.org/guests/SpecialEvents/dolphincam.asp
Not teh funny, but it is teh cute!
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Date: 2005-07-07 12:16 pm (UTC)On a side note, MEERKAT!
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Date: 2005-07-07 01:12 pm (UTC)I love my zoo!
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Date: 2005-07-07 12:22 pm (UTC)Because she kept throwing away the W's.
(courtesy of my son ... who is now on a mission to find me a better joke or he will be grounded for the rest of the summer)
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Date: 2005-07-07 12:32 pm (UTC)A man is taking a leak in a public restroom when a small man, about two feet tall walks in, dressed head to toe in green. But what's amazing is the trouser snake he whips out at the urinal. A good 18 inches. The guy can't help but look, and the little fella sees him and winks.
"Hey, man, nothing like that, just... That's a pretty impressive tool you're working with there."
"Ah, sure and I'm a leprechaun. And as certain as I can grant gifts to others, I can grant them to meself, can't I now?"
"No shit! A leprechaun? Think I can get one of those, then?"
"Aye, but there's a price you'll have to pay. You'll have to let me stick this in yer bum."
The guys zips up, and makes to leave with a "fuck, no!" expression on his face when he realizes just what he'll end up with. Resigned, he turns to the green wee man and says, "Fine, but in the stall so no one will see, and make it quick."
He goes into the stall, pants pooled around his ankle and the little man climbs up him and starts going at it. Naturally, the man is in pain. He's groaning and biting back a scream when the wee man starts talking to him.
"What would yer name be, man?"
*groan* "Jim!"
"Now, about how old would ya be there, Jim?"
*muffled scream* "32!"
"Well, Jim, what's a man of the age of 32 still doing believing in leprechauns?"
:-D
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Date: 2005-07-07 12:52 pm (UTC)"Oh! You go to your room, young man. Just wait until your father gets home!"
When Rotten Johnny's father arrived at home, his wife told him what Johnny had done and he went up to his son's room.
"Son, you know your mother is very, very mad right now and I am supposed to be up here punishing you. But to tell you the truth, when I was your age, I had crushes on a few of my teacher's also. Man, some of those new teacher's were so pretty and the way they would bend over at the front of the class or cross their legs ... I'm actually proud of you, son. So tell you what, in a few weeks, when this blows over, I'll buy you a new bike, okay?"
"That's great, dad. But can you wait at least three? My asshole is really burning."
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Date: 2005-07-07 01:44 pm (UTC)omg i love you h0rs leik whoa. *scrubs brain*
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Date: 2005-07-07 02:43 pm (UTC)Rotten Johnny's class was learning to use difficult words in a sentence. The teacher would go around the room, ask them to say a three syllable word, then use it in a sentence.
By the time the teacher got to him, she was prepared for the worst.
"Urinate!"
Okay, she thought, it's base and gross, but... "Okay, Johnny. Use it in a sentence."
"Urinate, but if your tits were bigger, you'd be a ten."
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Date: 2005-07-07 02:56 pm (UTC)"Yes, Johnny?" His teacher asked.
"May I have another piece of paper?" Johnny asked.
"Yes." His teacher handed him one and watched as Johnny started writing again, his tongue poking out between his lips as his pencil moved over the paper.
He raised his hand again and his teacher sighed.
"No, Johnny. You may not have another piece of paper. I'm sure that whatever you've already written will be enough to discuss."
"No, teacher, I just need to know how to spell whoom."
"Womb?" His teacher asked, "As in, a baby grows inside of a mother's womb?"
"No," Johnny said, shaking his head. "Like the sound two elephants make when they are fucking ... you know ... Whooom! Whoooom!"
HA!!!
Date: 2005-07-07 03:06 pm (UTC)1.
The teacher asks her class to draw something on the board that's exciting. Rotten Johnny walks to the chalkboard and draws a dot. "What's that?" the teacher asks. "A period." "Well, what's so exciting about a period?" querries the teacher.
Johnny says, "I don't know, but my sister missed one today and my mom fainted, my dad got his gun, and the mailman passed out."
2.
Two guys walk into a bar, which is odd, because you'd think the other guy would've ducked.
(My favorite joke EVER.)
*loves you all up and down*
Date: 2005-07-07 03:10 pm (UTC)She said, " Yes, that's right, but you counted on your fingers. Put your hands behind behind your back and tell me what's three and three".
He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, "Six, teacher?".
She said, "Yes, that's right, but you're still counting on your fingers. Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what's five and five".
He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, "Eleven, teacher?".
One of my favorite jokes
Date: 2005-07-07 12:24 pm (UTC)The next day at 8:45 Am, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elomos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.
She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
Re: One of my favorite jokes
Date: 2005-07-07 12:34 pm (UTC)I posted my favorite bar joke (okay, it's filthy but I worked on the comedy circuit for a few years. I only know dirty jokes) above this one.
Keep 'em coming! "Ah, Jesus, I need you now, tonight! I fucking need you more than ever!" PLEASE tell me you've seen Old School.
I believe in leprechauns!!
Date: 2005-07-07 12:37 pm (UTC)And of COURSE I've seen Old School. Will Ferrell is my hero. The man is fearless. Have you seen Anchorman?
Stay Classy.
Date: 2005-07-07 12:44 pm (UTC)I wish you weren't such a whore. Why don't you go back to Whore Island, Whore?
LA POLICIA!!!!
I have big, big love for you right now.
You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair.
Date: 2005-07-07 12:51 pm (UTC)"Don't you know I'd never say fuck! Fuck!"
"Oh, I'm storming your castle on my steed, m'lady. "
Many, many quotes from the movie.
HEEEE!!
Date: 2005-07-07 02:31 pm (UTC)Wow.
*~*
Oh, GOD. It smells like... a used baby diaper filled with Indian food.
No, it smells like the inside of a fake leg.
BWAH!!
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Date: 2005-07-07 12:35 pm (UTC)'K. How about a silly video? About hats. In the Buffyverse. See, you're laughing already. http://bronze-ambition.net/wp/?p=69
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Date: 2005-07-07 12:45 pm (UTC)CARNIES!!! yikes, man. I wrote them into my first Spuffy fic just so I could make fun of them. Because I'm sad and have too much time on my hands.
YOUR ICON IS HILAIRTY ITSELF. :-D
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Date: 2005-07-07 02:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-07 02:35 pm (UTC)Rain + 3 kids + mommy not leaving the house for FIVE FUCKING DAYS = need for fic.
I'm wrasslin' with my last chapter of the Obi-Ani fic, and then I have you bookmarked. New chapter up today, yeah? Woot!
SOMEONE COME RUB MY SHOULDERS.
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Date: 2005-07-07 03:46 pm (UTC)Good luck with that last chapter! **rubs your shoulders and gets alllll the knots out**
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Date: 2005-07-07 12:48 pm (UTC)A baby Polar Bear goes to his mom and asks "Mom, are you sure I'm a Polar Bear?" "Yes, son" says his mom. "Are you sure I'm not a Panda Bear, or a Brown Bear?" "No son, I'm sure you're a Polar Bear" "Ok" he sighs.
Then the baby Polar Bear goes to his dad. "Dad, are sure I'm a Polar Bear, not a Koala Bear, or Grizzly Bear, or something?" "No son, I'm sure you're a Polar Bear. Why do you ask?" "Because I'm fucking freezing!"
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Date: 2005-07-07 12:50 pm (UTC)*luffs*
That's a great one.
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Date: 2005-07-07 01:00 pm (UTC)I'm sleepy, I got nothin'. Nothin' but love for you baby.
*mimes*
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Date: 2005-07-07 02:36 pm (UTC)*squashes your shrinking box*
Hey, if I sent you a pic, would you make me an icon? I fucking suck at making them. *blinks becomingly*
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Date: 2005-07-07 06:47 pm (UTC)Stiff Upper Lips Are Funny
Date: 2005-07-07 01:46 pm (UTC)Great quotes from Brits as they react to the London bombings. My fave so far:
"Speaking on behalf of the people of Essex. We are standing by you the peoples of Londonia in these trying times. Mainly because Suffolk won't swap places with us." -
More great quotes here and here
*Gives you inappropriate by highly necessary excessive cuddles for the song dl. Nothing like a "fuck" laden 80s school dance song to put things in perspective*
<-- just 'cause
Date: 2005-07-07 02:40 pm (UTC)That song makes me so happy. Mostly (newt) Mostly it's the "dah dah dah DAH!" at the end where they move their hands up and down like good little pop stars. Heee!!
I had a Jude Law-a-thon last night. Let me just say this: Enemy at the Gates is a great movie, but all I care about is chapter 15 on the DVD. unfortunately, I'd be making the "AHHH!! I'm fucking Jude Law!" face just like Rachel Weisz in that scene.
THAT is where the phrase "Man Pants" came from. I would be like an Indian warrior, skin him, and wear him for strength. No, that ISN'T creepy, Mr. Parole officer.
Re: <-- just 'cause
Date: 2005-07-07 02:45 pm (UTC)Re: <-- just 'cause
Date: 2005-07-07 03:08 pm (UTC)But back to Jude and how one day I will fuck him raw... And then his best friend Ewan shows up and we have a hot three-way. It starts off as a two way with me and Ewan, because see above about raw, but you know. He heals fast and stuff.
Oh, and I'm totally fit and am having a great hair day. And wearing really sexy 5 inch shoes so my legs look great.
Yeah. Back to that.
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Date: 2005-07-07 01:47 pm (UTC)They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
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Date: 2005-07-07 01:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-07 02:41 pm (UTC)JOKES!! All that and jokes, too. *beams*
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Date: 2005-07-07 03:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-07 03:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-07 01:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-07 03:14 pm (UTC)Patty O'Furniture.
Badum Ching!
*crickets*
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Date: 2005-07-07 03:22 pm (UTC)Vampire walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like a cup of blood, please," and the bartender says, "we don't serve blood here." So the vampire pushes a gold coin across the counter and says, "please." So the bartender, motivated by fellow feeling and N OT the huge, honkin gold coin, runs down to the basement and kills a rat. He squeezes the blood into a cup and serves it to the vampire. The vampire drinks his blood, nods, and leaves the coin on the counter.
The vampire develops a routine, coming into the bar to buy his blood from the bartender, and the bartender begins to farm rats in the basements, it's so lucrative.
About a month later the vampire sits on his regular stool and says to the bartender, "I'd like a mug of hot water, please." The bartender is confused. "But you're a vampire!" He cries. "You drink blood, not water!" The vampire holds up a used tampon and says, "I'll be having tea tonight."
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Date: 2005-07-07 05:41 pm (UTC)I have put it on most the mix cd's I have in the car.
It's fucking awesome.
BLUE !!! YOURE MY BOY!!!!
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Date: 2005-07-07 11:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-11 09:06 pm (UTC)That part in Old School killed me. I loved the reactions of the wedding guests. Bwahahahaha!!!