PARODY SONG FOR THE HOLIDAYS!

[stoney321]

For those that are new around here, I'm not a believer. I don't mock others who are Christian, I'm not one of those atheists - okay, sometimes, but never to your face. Honest. But I love Easter for all the pagan rituals it sprang from. But I'm not all into Zombie!Jesus.™ (Zombie!Jesus™ belongs to violethamster and all her entities) Yes, Easter is the celebration where millions of believers across the globe gather to rejoice in the creation of the first zombie, The Lord Christ. But he didn't want braaaaaaiiiiiiiins. He wanted your SOUL! But not in a cool Evil Dead way.

Okay! If you are laughing at this point, continue on! If not, RUN. WARNING: BLASPHEMY. I'm on a one way ticket to hell. First class, baby.

I give you: "EASTER!" set to the tune of "Thriller" by Michael "boys' pants half off" Jackson.

Don't even act like you don't know this song top to bottom. EVERYONE knows Thriller.

(1rst)
It's close to three days and something glowy's lurking in the cave
Under the moonlight - without his death no sinners can be saved
The Sadducees - they claimed eternal life to be forsaken
The Pharisees - the jots and tittles scales over their eyes -
He will arise!

(chorus)
'Cause He has risen! Easter Morn'!
And nuthin's gonna save Judas from swingin' from a Rowan
Yes, He has risen! Easter Morn'!
He's fighting for ya life - eternal - ever - lastin' Glory!

(2nd)
You hear the boulder slam (bam!) and realize there's nuthin' left inside
You feel the cooooold linen and wonder was he really God's Only Pride?
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination (yeah!)
But all the while - you're thinkin' of Moeshe, Coen and Schlomo -
You've been a ho!

(chorus)
'Cause He has risen! Easter Morn'!
There ain't no second chance from He who fasted forty nights girl! (hooo! hooo!)
'Cause He has risen! Easter Morn'!
There ain't Eternal Life for a killer - sinner - unborn!

(bridge)
Legions will crawl
And Lazarus will walk with resurrection...
There's no escaping the reanimated Rabboni
He says you won't die
Echo: He says that you will not die.... (hoo!)

(3rd)
They're out to get you - evangelists surround your every side
They will possess you, "The Watchtower" - your actions it will chide
Now is the time - for atheists to bond so close together
The Born Agains - they won't accept that some do not Believe
They'll make you see!

(chorus)
That He is Risen! Easter Morn'!
And He can save you more than any Buddha'd ever dare try! (Hooooo! Hooo!)
'Cause He is Risen! Easter Morn'!
So let them dunk you down into a river, bathtub tonight!

(Vincent Price "rap")
Darkness falls across the land
The nine inch nails driven in His hands
Soldiers pierce in search of blood
To prove His life now is mud
And whosoever played not nice
And denied Himself not once but thrice
Must stand and face the public's scorn
And live their life most forlorn
The foulest stench was in the air
The funk of two thieves not given care
He shambled out of sepulchre gloom
To seal the fate of sinner's doom
And though you fight for your own life
He wonders, "Goest thou... wither?"
For no mere mortal can do without
Zombie!Jesus - Eternal Life Giver!

(maniacal laughter, echoes out)

~*~

If... if I've made your Sunday service a little more enjoyable from this, I have succeeded. Visualizing the zombie apostles in their tattered togas with grey, decomposing faces doing the cool dance with Michael/Jesus is just an extra. God I want a Zombie Jesus/Thriller video icon SO MUCH.

Comments

[dedra.livejournal.com]

Stoney, you are BAD! In a good way, BAD! You know it...UNH...You BAD! You BAD! Ja'mon...

Just the thing to brighten up a Maundy Thursday (and why is it maundy anyway? Couldn't they think up another name--like Oops, gonna die tomorrow Thursday!? Get outta here Thursday?)

Poetic bee-yach, you!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Broken. I'm broken. I'm that little dolly who got its head pulled off and daddy tried to fix it, but it was never the same...

[yin-again.livejournal.com]

I love you so much right now.

I ::heart:: Zombie!Jesus.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*slides leg out, head - left-right-left-right - hands up top - clap!*

SHAMON!

♥

[moosesal.livejournal.com]

This is brilliant. I'm sending my Catholic best friend over. :)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

The funny thing is, now I can't stop singing it this way...

I'd like to see a pic of Zombie!Jesus in the final scene of the Thriller video, a cross and a vial of holy water in his hands, shambling forward.

...but then, that's just me. :)

[angstpuppy.livejournal.com]

So much love for you right now, you just have no idea.

"I don't care if it rain or freezes
'long as I got my zombie!jesus..."

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Zombie!Jesus on your dash...
Your car will never crash!

Heee! Thanks.

[sdwolfpup.livejournal.com]

Visualizing the zombie apostles in their tattered togas with grey, decomposing faces doing the cool dance with Michael/Jesus is just an extra.

I WAS SO DOING THAT. I love that dance. *does the arm lift bit and the one-leg shuffle around*

Zombie!Jesus. *hoots with laughter*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

But Peter will be in the back - one of the guys that later does the headless breakdance thing. Because of that whole "cock crows" thing.

Paul is the chick with the big purse and one shoe.

*cracks up*

[trepkos.livejournal.com]

Wow!
It scans right an' everything!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Ha! Wait... what? Scans? *iz stupid*

[swmbo.livejournal.com]

The coffee incident was even more traumatic to hear about the SECOND time!

*flails*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

And man, it was going to be GOOD. That first sip was EXCELLENT. And my whole office smells of coffee - coffee that is being DENIED ME.

18 minutes until he opens the beanery...

[anelith.livejournal.com]

You are such a NUT! Now I will not be able to function today without that song going through my head... I'll have to show this to Ron, it will make his day.

*cuts, pastes, emails*

I was taking Nathan's birthday cupcakes to school this morning and I had to sign in at the front office, and while I was putting in the date, the woman who was standing behind me waiting for her turn said, "Oh, it's April 13, Holy Thursday." I thought, "huh?" Then it hit me, oh yeah, tomorrow's Good Friday, I guess that makes today something special too. These Catholics (this town is about 99% Catholic) make every day of the calendar some special day. Now I see in the comments it's also called Maundy Thursday? Whatever. We just color the eggs and leave out baskets filled with chocolate.

Last year a week or so before Easter I was in the grocery store with the kids and Evan turned to me and asked, "What's Easter for, Mommy?" Everyone around me heard it. I knew they were all thinking, "Bad mommy going straight to HELL!" They knew I wasn't Jewish or something because I was holding the Easter egg coloring kit right there in my hand... Ah well.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh, yeah. Now take that and stick it in the Republican/Christian SOUTH. It's almost more respectable to be a Mormon than an Atheist here. I made the hard and fast rule with Mr. S that I'm not raising my kids in any religion, but if they ask, I'll tell them "what so and so believes is..." and leave it to them to decide when they're older.

I love all of the consumer trappings of religious holidays: the eggs, chocolate and meals for Easter, the gifts, lights, decorations and food of Christmas, but... I know too much about history, religious beginnings, etc. to ever believe in a Higher Power or that sort of thing.

If my MIL (who thinks I'm doing my kids a disservice by not raising them up in a religion) brings up anything "churchy," I'm starting in on the whole Zombie!Jesus schpiel. :D

[blueswan9.livejournal.com]

This is brilliant, stoney. I was singing it as I read, and let me tell you that got some strange looks from the people here.

*laughing on my way to hell*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Heee!! Did you do the shuffle/slide/head wiggle/overhead clap?

Or the step left/step right/step step step left move with your hands out? Heeeeee!! Glad you laughed.

[altyronsmaker.livejournal.com]

*shakes head*

I laughed.
I have blashpemed.
Jesus is going to turn from me, I just know it.

Meanie!

*walks away pouting, occasionally snickering*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

JESUS MADE ME. I suppose. If he's real, then he made all the funny stuff as well as the cancer and butterflies. :D

[lynnenne]

HEEEEEEEEE! You are completely cracked. I love that about you.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

HAHAHA!! Oh, I just uploaded "Thriller" in the post, if you need a refresher.

AND. Just wait until you see my Lynnevitational fic. I pulled over in the car and started scribbling the other day. SO. EXCITED.

[funkparadise.livejournal.com]

Bwah. This was cool. I'm so going to hell.

Hee Heeee

::jumps on car, spins around and grabs crotch::

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

HOOOOOOOOOO!

*smashes window with baseball bat, bites lower lip*

(Heee! Thanks!)

[cherusha.livejournal.com]

You make me want to convert to Christianity just so I can get all these in-jokes.

The nine inch nails driven in His hands

OH! *lightbulb* I thought the band just named themselves that because nine-inch long fingernails sounded scary and goth and hardcore. But thank you for the image involving Jesus being forced to listen to NIN on-loop until he couldn't stand it anymore and nailed himself onto the cross. To stop the pain.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Ha! Yes, 9 inch nails are what were allegedly driven into his hands.

(Pharisees and Sadducees were the two political/spiritual factions of Jews at the "time of Christ." Jot and Tittles are the minutiae of law, in a nutshell.)

Um... and zombies are the reanimated dead. :D

And your little "tale" of Jesus and Trent Reznor has made me HOWL with laughter. ♥

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Cha cha ChachaCHA!

We'll totally sing this on Sunday. For my mother in law.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_divya_/]

HEE. I love this, even though I don't get most of the Biblical references, because I think my brain put up a screen when I was really little so that most of that crap never got in. Luckily, I haven't had many people shove religion at me in my life, for which I THANK THE BABY JESUS. And Zombie!Jesus. And PissedOffInTheTemple!Jesus. And all the little Jesuses.

Dude, I seriously don't know what's wrong with me these days. I'm becoming so intolerant of people who are old-style religious, and I don't know when this happened. Usually I'm all "live and let live" about it, but OMG. My extremely elderly Catholic neighbor told me about the Book of Judas thing the other day, then said, "Well, we don't know what the documents contain yet, but they say it'll change everything." And I thought to myself, "You mean it'll change SPACE AND TIME? Come on, it's not like anything's really different. The Catholic Church is arbitrarily telling you random stuff to scare you; even that's the same." Of course, what I said was, "Uh huh..."

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh, man that's rich. "It'll change everything."

Really, it'll only change the Center Square in Dante's Inferno, honestly. And I love your comment about "The Catholic Church is arbitrarily telling you random stuff to scare you."

And the Mormons, and the Baptists, and the Lutherans, and the...

I love the constantly evolving morality and righteousness of Christianity. It's astounding how far removed from The Beattitudes it's become.

ZOMBIE JESUS WILL SMITE THE WICKED AND EAT THEIR BRAAAAAIIIIIINS.

[semby.livejournal.com]

Heeeee! That was just fantastic.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hahaha! YAY!! *shamble/dances*

[petal-n-thorn.livejournal.com]

That was soooo much fun.

I'm right now reading Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal, by Christopher Moore (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0380813815/qid=1144957477/sr=2-2/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_2/103-7643938-8807011?s=books&v=glance&n=283155). It's very funny and poignant. You might find it enjoyable as well.

Thanks so much for this. I'm so tempted to send my born-again brother a link to this -- but I really am not interested in starting WWIII. *snicker*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

OH GOD I must have that book!!

I'm glad you laughed - this whole thing started on my jog yesterday when I was telling my husband that if his mother started in with her religion stuff on Sunday, that I would pull out "Happy Zombie!Jesus Day" and freak her out.

[screaming-mimie.livejournal.com]

hey hey hey hey....


is there something wrong with being one of those atheists????

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*whispers* Not at all. I'm really one of those kind, too.

:D

[thepiratequeen.livejournal.com]

I'm down with being a Christian and Jesus and Church and stuff but this made me laugh until my sides hurt. My roommate really loved it to. She even posted about it in her latest entry (http://celtzombie.livejournal.com/105893.html?mode=reply).

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

It's the "and stuff" that shows how committed you are. *pokes you lovingly*

So glad you both got a laugh!

(Side tracked by GOB!! Oh, GOB, how I loved you...)

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

But he didn't want braaaaaaiiiiiiiins. He wanted your SOUL! But not in a cool Evil Dead way. Hahahaha! I love you and Violet both.

And yeah, working in the Sadducees and the Pharisees was brilliant. Dammit. Now I can't stop singing this.

(I'll be back soon, promise. Just a bit of seasonal funk.)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Two days I've been singing it. And I KNOW I'll be humming it and laughing when the MIL gets here and wonders if we went to church.

[beadbeauty.livejournal.com]

ehhhh..................

Holy (amen) crap. That was hilarious. I am going to hell and as I mentioned before, I have JUST the moisturizer for the dryness down there. Here's my favorite line:

To prove His life now is mud

You are EEVEEL. As in the Fruuwits of all eevil. Good one let me know how McSw responds. Like my code? I'm good like that. XS Tylenol releases the creator in me.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I am not evil. I am He who the Lord Made In His Own Image. Or something.

He made Hitler, too, did you know? And cancer... and thorns... and pigeon shit. Yeah, yeah, and kittens.

Dude, I cannot decipher your code. DID YOU WASH THEM DOWN WITH WINE? Yehbutt, nobutt...

[gracielu.livejournal.com]

Ok. I just spit soda all over the screen and now my keyboard's going to be all sticky, not to mention that I'm low on Diet Dr. Pepper and I can't afford to waste a SINGLE DROP. But you know what? It was totally worth it! Awesome fucking song and I can't go back and read it because I may fall over. And some of us at my work MAY have added the zombie handbook to our Easter endcap just to see if anyone would notice... But HA! Thank you for the birthday wishes ~ have had an excellent day and I need to stop the caffeine before the moron jumps all over you guys. Or tries to make a sculpture out of Red Vines. God.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

YAYAYAYAY FOR LAUGHING!! I'm so glad you had a great day! Why don't you know by now to put drinks DOWN when there's a cut tag? Just to be safe, G, just to be safe.

Ahahaha!! I love it. You showed it to your employees? Bweeeee!

You should make a scultpure of Depp out of Red Vines. Or finish packing. Something. *SQUISH*

[elessil.livejournal.com]

*snort*

I will NEVER EVER be able to talk about Easter with a straight face.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

HA! I have succeeded!

I mean... sorry! :D

[sweet-ali.livejournal.com]

God, that brilliant imagination of yours. I'm so glad you share it :)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Heh - that's some high praise, ma'am. I'll work hard to live up to it. Thanks!

[violethamster.livejournal.com]

There just aren't enough Easter songs, and that one's the bestest one that could ever be. You should totally record it. And resurrect Vincent Price.

Also, Zombie!Jesus belongs to us all. He does not eat our brains, yea verily, but rather gives us all his brains to eat on crackers. Thereby infecting us all with zombieism, halleluia.