What phony dog poo?
Dec. 12th, 2006 10:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stoney321Dear Owner of Large Dog that Leaves for a Walk Before Me,
It's clear that your pooch enjoys eating something the size of a Tyrannosaurus Rex for breakfast daily, and has digestive problems as a result. I'm glad you DIDN'T clean up the poop on the sidewalk for the fourth time this week. Because obviously that would have killed you. And then I would have had something even larger to hurdle on the path. Plus, I assume your dog would eat your dead carcass, and you probably spent a bundle on a special burial plot, so WELL PLAYED, SIR.
Here's a tip: bring a fucking bag. Or take your dog out back before you go.
The world is not your pet's toilet,
Stoney
Dear Runner in Front of Sally and Me this Morning,
Man, those shoes are a goner. Toss 'em. Don't even try to salvage them, brohan. Just... I am so, so sorry.
Nose Pinchingly Yours,
Stoney
Dear Sally Von Shtupp of Zee Tail Thoomping,
You are adorable. Keep it up. (Especially the no barking/chasing/standing patiently next to me when dogs approach thing.) I'm sorry people are afraid of your size and breed. You're a sweet girl.
<3 <3 and :*,
*clap clap clapclapclap, clapclapclapclap* DOG MOM!
A letter to the editor this morning stated that The Passion of the Christ was no myth, that the Apostles obviously died as martyrs for Jesus (which, the crucifixion AND RESURRECTION are "the most thoroughly documented event in ancient history") because "People don't die for a lie."
After boggling for several minutes at the breathtaking crazy of that paragraph, I wrote this:
Dear Editorial Staff:
Frank _____ wrote in regarding the truth of the martyrdom of Christ's apostles and that "people don't die for a lie."
Obviously this means the 9/11 terrorists are actually in heaven with their 72 virgins, the Heaven's Gate folks walked their black Nikes up the gangplank on the craft behind Hale-Bopp, and the soldiers coming home from Iraq in body bags helped secure the WMDs.
~My Actual Name and Info
It's getting printed tomorrow. :)
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Date: 2006-12-12 04:30 pm (UTC)(bows and adores you)
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Date: 2006-12-12 04:34 pm (UTC):)
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Date: 2006-12-12 04:37 pm (UTC)A land mine doused with another dogs pee would probably fix the poo problem. Just a thought.
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Date: 2006-12-12 04:40 pm (UTC)Hmmm.... Where can I get a lacrosse stick? :D
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Date: 2006-12-12 04:38 pm (UTC)You know what you should do to the large dog owner? Leave brown paper bags of dog poo on his front stoop with a sweet note: "Ooops, looks like you forgot something on your walk! Wouldn't want you to forget something as important as this. Take care!"
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Date: 2006-12-12 04:42 pm (UTC)Every day? CLEAN THE POOP, DUDE.
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Date: 2006-12-12 04:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-12 04:42 pm (UTC)BLECH.
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Date: 2006-12-12 04:43 pm (UTC)Love your other letters. Buddy has yet to poop during one of our walks, but I always have a baggie in my pocket just in case. I can't imagine not cleaning up after him. People are idiots.
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Date: 2006-12-12 04:46 pm (UTC)And like I mentioned above, there have been times when my pooch has gone TWICE. And I brought one bag. It happens. But EVERY day? Nasty. *scritches Buddy behind the ear* How's he doing? The barking getting under control some?
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Date: 2006-12-12 05:04 pm (UTC)I understand your torment in the world of Impossibly Monolithic Scatology. How can an animal produce something of those dimensions, day after day, without succumbing from internal hemmorhaging? I don't understand it either.
Consider a David-and-Goliath style sling, jerry-rigged from a handy-dandy plastic grocery bag. You stay clean, and you remind him not only of his obligation, but how to comply with his obligation. Heh.
As to icky shoe-ness--you could smell it from yards away? Eaaaghh!
Yay, Sally!
And, since I haven't busted it out in a while, regarding you Letter to the Editor:
Testify.
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Date: 2006-12-12 05:31 pm (UTC)And man, I am TOTALLY asking Santa for a portable trebuchet! *flings poo liek woah* Honestly, I'm surprised chimps haven't thought of that. *rubs chin*
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Date: 2006-12-12 05:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-12 05:30 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2006-12-12 05:30 pm (UTC)As far as the shoes, A has worn shoes with large holes in the soles because he refused to buy new shoes. "But I like these". I'm sure the school thinks I beat him.
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Date: 2006-12-12 05:33 pm (UTC)(I think I might. I mean, HONESTLY. A Chihuahua could've been lost in that thing!)
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From:no subject
Date: 2006-12-12 05:32 pm (UTC)My mother ran out with a bag, scooped the poop up and followed the woman home (she lived in the neighbourhood). When the woman went inside, my mother threw the bag onto her back step, so that whoever walked out would step right in it.
That woman has *never* done that again :) as far as we know.
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Date: 2006-12-12 05:34 pm (UTC)Man, your mom is all about the perseverance!
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Date: 2006-12-12 05:51 pm (UTC)I used to be a dog walker so I understand completely what you say about the poop thing. It bugs me to no end when people don't pick up the poop. I actually had some woman come out of her house and thank me for picking up after the dog I was walking. And I know it can be gross but really you get used to it after awhile...as long as the dog poops solid. I won't even go into trying to pick up the poop of dogs with bowel problems or dogs with too much hair around their ass...you can imagine the problems. Ha! I think if any dog I was walking pooped that big I would probably want to pick it up so I could show it to people. I am weird like that.
Sounds like you are doing a great job though. After being a dog walking and seeing how some people treat their animals I get a little rabid about that.
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Date: 2006-12-12 05:59 pm (UTC)There's a nice older man who walks his weetiny Chihuahua on my block and he has this big old pooper scooper, which cracks me up. He could carry his DOG in it. :D
And I know re: how some people treat their dogs. They either don't train them and the dogs are always frantic and out of control, or they go the opposite way, and it's just awful.
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Date: 2006-12-12 06:30 pm (UTC)Lay down Sally!
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Date: 2006-12-12 06:48 pm (UTC):D
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Date: 2006-12-12 07:35 pm (UTC)♥♥♥
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Date: 2006-12-12 07:56 pm (UTC)*sets up more bait* :D
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Date: 2006-12-12 08:34 pm (UTC)I adore this statement so much, I actually had a moment of pure bzuh??? before the mad giggles set in.
Your answer letter is made of win, obviously.
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Date: 2006-12-13 03:17 pm (UTC)Oh, people. Your stupidity makes me happy some days.
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Date: 2006-12-12 08:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-13 03:17 pm (UTC)<3
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Date: 2006-12-12 10:36 pm (UTC)Thank you SOOOO much for wasting my time with your unanswered letters that were just SOOOO important. This is you: "Hey, I'm big and important and have soooo many frieds."
This is me, NOT caring.
By the way, you might want to re-phrase that last letter because none of it is true.
Sincerely,
Dwight K. Scrute
P.S.
There is nothing wrong with being eaten by your domesticated animals. It serves you right for caging an animal in your overpriced home. Soon they shall breakfast on your haunches. *exhale*
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Date: 2006-12-12 10:37 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2006-12-12 10:39 pm (UTC)I live in a small area with far too many small-minded people, and last month I read a Letter to the Editor from a very Christian person about how gay people wanting equal rights were supressing Christian people's rights to ignore them and/or speak out against them. I boggled. I would have written in my own letter as well, except that I was WAY behind on reading the newspaper and it was about a week old and had already been responded to.
People are stupid, yo.
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Date: 2006-12-12 11:01 pm (UTC)And someone actually used "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" in another letter earlier this month.
I wish you could email /wav files to the paper for a big ol, "WAH waaaaah" game show/lame sound. :D
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Date: 2006-12-13 12:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-13 03:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-13 04:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-13 03:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-13 05:59 am (UTC)Awesome response to Frank BTW.
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Date: 2006-12-13 03:21 pm (UTC)...it would have been a moment of genius on the host's part if he offered to send the guy a briefcase and get him to snap a picture. :)
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Date: 2006-12-13 07:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-13 03:22 pm (UTC):D
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Date: 2006-12-13 07:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-23 09:06 pm (UTC)That sucks about the dog poo. I hope you catch him in the act and he's guilted into cleaning it up.
Awesome letter to the editor. I particularly like the bit about the Heaven's Gate folks. And it's so cool that they're printing it! You'll have to clip it and put it on your fridge door or something.
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Date: 2007-02-23 09:44 pm (UTC)*beams with pride*