Dear God. It. Won't. Stop. Warning: Tastelessness ahead.

[stoney321]

If you need to blame someone, start with chantal87 who pointed out the bad fic. Unintentional bad fic. Spuffy AU (which isn't a bad thing) where the metaphors and similies come cheap. crazydiamondsue and I have been spamming each other's e-mail with laughter, and now I BRING IT TO YOU.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Stoney's

• "his cock wept." Boo hoo! I need pussy!


• "their orgasmic waves of pleasure started off on a high note and continued on an ascending scale." until they had to make those additional slash mark thingies and eventually fell off the page.


• "her orgasm was like a thief in the night, robbing her of hers." 'hers' is a code name for expensive bags. The robber is robbing her of her expensive bag.


• "he crashed on the beach of his senses." someone told her to use more metaphors. They should use semaphores next time.


• "his lips felt like cotton balls" I have no words for this. WTF does this even mean?? However, it could come in handy if one of them is a sloppy kisser.


• "her body shook without permission" Wait for it............Shake!


• "pussy bone" *falls down laughing. Owwwwwww-CHUH!*


• "he kept eating while her essence glazed his face like a hot baked cinnamon bun" from Cinna*bon, but he liked the orange glazed ones best, so he had to make do. Next time he'll specify she uses the monkey bread poon-spray


• "he felt like he was having a seizure" so she pulled him out and shoved a leather wallet into his mouth to keep him from choking on his own tongue. "Thanks for ruining the moment, dipshit!"


• "cream of cum" a slightly less popular offering from Campbell's


• "her cleavage reminded him of the perfect butt crack on a heart shaped ass" which was weird because her butt crack reminded him of the perfect cleavage on an hourglass body with uni-boob.


• "placing a hickey on the tip of her tongue" how is this even possible? When does a hickey just turn into a bruise?


• "whipped his cock out like a Ninja sword" Su! Kurio! Me dow chung go! Si! And with one fluid movement, he cut her head off her body with his Ninja sword-cock and fucked her throat hole. The End

Sue's List

• He walked passed her, smelling like an ashtray and expensive cologne. It was intoxicating. Okay, I like the smell of fresh cigarette smoke. Cigarette smoke that clings to clothing smells like ass. A fucking ashtray smells like day old ass.
*Stoney adds: It smells like cat food and ass in here!*

• There was always some lucky man or woman on his arm. It was clear to her he was bisexual. Gee. She's sharp.


• "Sex, drugs and rock and roll. Take your pick." I think I need drugs right now.


• Later, he realized he already had them. I've already had you...I've already had you - you're like my ex-girlfriend and the blow job I had before that.


• Her lips looked liked shinny [sic] red candle apples I made a candle out of an apple once at camp. It was shinny.


• She wanted a little spice. Well then buy some marjoram, but leave skanky bisexual bar whores alone, Elizabeth!
*Stoney adds: Marjoram? Not Cumin?*

• Masturbation would never go out of style she thought. Have you heard about the latest style? You put your finger against your clit and you...too much?


• The gorgeous blonde lived in the good part of town. She knew this because one of her college girlfriends, Faith, lived in the same condos. The lack of rats and street urchins was also a tip-off.


• Spike licked her pussy like a lollipop That's a funny shaped pussy. Also, I thought he was William????


• She felt another orgasm wash over her. She forgot to tell us about the first one. Unless it was the trail of liquid that ran down her legs...ewww.
*Stoney adds: that was the WASHING, Sue*

• She was glad she came. No pun intended she thought with a smile. Oh, that was intentional, don't try to fuck with us.


• He kissed her. She accepted his tongue without hesitation. Well, considering he's already gone down on her and brought her to orgasm twice (??) and she's been riding his cock, a little first base shouldn't be too much to ask.


• The came together, dedicating their orgasms to each other. This orgasm goes out to an old friend of mine, wherever she is, I want her to know I'm thinking of her. So, Casey, could you please play "You're the Inspiration".....


• Getting stale cum out of clothes was like getting gum out of hair. Um, not really. One you can throw in the washer and the other requires scissors....
*Stoney: Whatever Sue. you have NOT fucked this wildcat. His cum IS glue.

• He had awakened with at few dogs in his time but she was even hotter. Hotter than a dog? Ooh, you turn my head with your sweet talk.


• ...one of the heels of her come-fuck-me pumps was broken. Third mention. We fucking get it. She had on shoes that just ask to be fucked. Get. Over. It.


• The words "no repeat performances" were like a nat in his ear. Nat King Cole? Nat Turner? Nat Stuckey?


• The bloke he picked up was a petite fellow. He talked too much and it was obvious he was a bottom. Short. Check. Talks too much. Check. Hey guys, I'm a bottom!


• He was never gentle when he fucked a man. There was no need to be. He just wanted to hit and quit it. ::hit:: "Quit it!" ::hit:: "Quit it!" ::hit:: "Quit it! Mom, he's hitting me!"


• He needed to vomit. The ecstasy didn't mix well with the alcohol. Which is why you're supposed to drink lots of water...damn it, didn't you see the ecstasy episode of 90210???


• The warmth that radiated from his body endorsed her womanhood. Okay, I have no quip for this one. Just...WTF?
*Stoney: On a cold winter's night, I like to warm up with Womanhood Warmth ™. It has Stoney's approval!*

• Her nipples screamed hallelujah. HA-llelujah! HA-llelujah! Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Ha-LAY-loo-yah!
*Stoney: Funny, my nipples whisper Figaro. Huh.*

• She wet hers lips like she was preparing for the dick sucking Olympics. Eh. The Russian judge isn't convinced.
*Stoney: But look at the Greek judge! He's waving his country's flag!*

• William had her coming and going so many times; her womb felt like a parade of contractions marched through it. Again - just. can't. make. it. funnier.

I love you all. I bring you laughter to share the glowing, radiating heat of my womanhoo- love. Thank god for funny people. Sue, I owe you cheesecake.

Comments

[cityphonelines.livejournal.com]

See, you guys are autistic. This simulitaneously saved me from the bad!fic!Spuffy and provided highlights from the game.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Rocking you like a hurricane!! This is Klaus Miener, and Rudolph Shanker, Still Loving You, Vinnie!!

There isn't enough money to pay for the therapy I need.

[violethamster.livejournal.com]

I am shoving a leather wallet in my mouth to keep from choking on my own tongue. Also, this has ruined Cinnabons and Campbell's soup for me forever.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

instead of Campbell's Cream of Cum, you'll have to order Chinese take out and get cream of sum yun gai.

I KILL me. You'll have to read the fic now. Too.. much.. funny....

[ex-dovil323.livejournal.com]

BWAH HA HA HA HA!! I have internal organs ruptured from the laughter. Not ruptured from the orgasmic contractions which sing Britney Spears as my cervix is hit with bullets of cum though, thank goodness, because that would be crazy talk. Just much, much laughter.

This killed me:

"cream of cum" a slightly less popular offering from Campbell's

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Cream of Cum: strangely, is not cream tasting. It's more like a handful of nickles.

(for my NZ friend: hold a bunch of coins in your hand, sweat, then sniff your palm. YUM-MEE!)

I want cum to hit my cervix like a bullet and actually make the "p-ting!" whizzing sound.

[inlovewithnight.livejournal.com]

Oh god. Dead again. Your journal needs a warning label. "May cause convulsions, choking, and DEATH."

Please don't stop. Which I'm sure is also a quote from the fic...

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Which I'm sure is also a quote from the fic...

One, two, three... About six times, so far. At least there are no mentions of "Oh, God... I'm cummmmmmming!" Or UNF UNF UNF. This author really took some time to cram as many similies and metaphors in there as possible.

I think of Oz: You've really mastered the single entendre.

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

I have one last offering (I had to stop reading. I swallowed my tongue after Campbell's Cream of Cum.)

Faith's reaction to Spike (er, William? Yeah, he banged her, too):

The words F-U-C-K M-E was spelled across his chest, making her want him even more. I, too, have a weakness for men in novelty-tees.

Now you all know what Stoney and I do in our "alone time." You're trembling in anticipation of our Consort Claiming ceremony this weekend, aren't you?

lml ^_^ lml ( <----- rocker hands)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I want that novely tee.
Our CC (I like to abrevi) will involve chicken blood, alcohol, and Cream of Cum. Condensed.

I heart you.

Thursday!!!!

roflamao!!

[dusty273.livejournal.com]

*giggles uncontrollably, while wiping her tears* You're the best cure there is against stress.

Do you mind if I share this with a friend? It's just so good.

Re: roflamao!!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Baby, you can show this to anyone who cares about the sputterings that come out of my mouth.

(A lot of people on my flist have had a rough time of it lately, so I'm all about the fun stuff. Come here to be entertained, or at the very least to point at me and feel better about you! Hee!)

[southernbangel.livejournal.com]

Can't breathe now I'm laughing so hard. I've even managed to wake up my boyfriend who was down the hall sleeping. With the door shut. With our extremely loud fan running.

Good show, ladies.

She wet hers lips like she was preparing for the dick sucking Olympics.

Dude, when are *these* Olympics??

her cleavage reminded him of the perfect butt crack on a heart shaped ass

What. the. fuck?

Cream of cum?!? *snorts*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Now you have to read the fic and laugh some more. We aren't even TAPPING the gold in this one. Brilliant stuff. Unintentionally.

[marlo.livejournal.com]

You. Rock.

Did you read the whole thing, start to finish? Euuugh. I couldn't get past the first chapter, and even then I was reading it just to bone up on the MST I was about to read.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I bailed after 5. My eyes hurt....

Marlo!!! You have to go here: http://atomfilms.shockwave.com/af/content/gangsta_rap_se You alone on my flist will appreciate the laughter of rapping Jedi, and Obi Wan throwing up gang signs...

[likeadeuce.livejournal.com]

I really don't have anything new to say about the fic. I mean, how do you beat a parade of contractions marching through a womb. (and, um, this is a good thing?)

I just wanted to show off the icon I got over at thedailyshow. Hey crazydiamondsue, how'sabout if I tape Jon's opening monologue tonight and throw it on your "Angel" tape? should make a nice little breather between "Shells" and "Underneath" (as opposed to the SIX BLOODY WEEKS we had to wait when they originally aired)>

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Dear. God. Love the icon. love Jon Stewart. Body is popping out eggs waiting for his sperm to make perfect, short little children filled with wit...

[ladywenham.livejournal.com]

My gosh. That fic HAS to be a joke. Please tell me it's a joke. ::whimpers in fear::

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

It isn't. Thus the hilarity spilling over into LJ land.

This: http://www.livejournal.com/users/stoney321/29135.html is a joke brought about by one of the funniest people on LJ, Dovil.

Check out her journal for the Ha Ha's on a regular basis.

[spikefan.livejournal.com]

ACK! This verges on Bad Hemingway Contest territory, only it's not as bad...or good, take your pick. The fact that it is apparently unintentional makes it an even bigger howler. I appreciate your quoting the highlights as I had to leave while the lusty couple were still in the foyer. You partially quoted one of my favorites, due to the potent and heady combination of dreadful simile, Bad Hemingwayness and hilarious misspelling:

Her lips looked liked shinny red candle apples. He pictured them wrapped around his dick.

*cough, splutter* I will never look at candied apples (or candle apples, for that matter) the same way again. A candied apple wrapped around...hey, it's Spike on a Stick!

Ow. Sore muscles from laughing too hard.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

My particular fave, that is coming in a Wee!Spike fic soon, is "they roamed each other's bodies like nomads."

[kumi.livejournal.com]

LMAO! OMG, my stomach hurts!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Hey!! Howya been?

We'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your waiter, and try the veal.

[likeadeuce.livejournal.com]

hey the man's on! go watch!

[jennice.livejournal.com]

OMDFG I almost wet myself from laughing so hard. I don't think I could actually make myself read the fic itself though. I'm still wondering how you get a lollipop shaped pussy and how do you get your womanhood endorsed exactly? I guess it's a good thing her nipples weren't singing swing low...

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Welcome to the party! I'm looking in my specialty store for Cream of Cum.

Be sure to catch Sue's comments above. She found even more... That girl...

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

I have no words. They've been swallowed, along with my own tongue from laughing. Jumping Jesus this was good shit. Thank you.

Also, "express your love in dance" needs to be an icon. Preferably with puppet Angel and Spike.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I need to find a pic of Angel with his eyes half-lidded... sultry even, and some way to convey the lust filled whisper: dance for me.

I can't believe I'm writing Wee!Spike. But I love heeeem!!!!

Sue and I are evil together. But with a fresh, pine scent.

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

All right, baby, I'm off to bed (have to conserve energy for consort claiming ceremony.) ::smooch::

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Thanks for coming out to play! Me love you long time...

I need to sleep. So... addicted... to feedback...

[paynbow.livejournal.com]

I can't even pick out the one I love most...they're all too hilarious!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Too hilarious? Or JUST HILARIOUS ENOUGH.

Hee! Thanks!

[sangueuk.livejournal.com]

what worries me is that these feel horribly similar to stuff I've written :)

And bloody hell, Stoney! When did you become a celeb :::stares in awe at quantity of comments::: :::pushes to the front of the queue:::

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Naw, just brought CrazyDiamondSue along for the ride: people LOVE her!

(I'll never get this many comments again. Miss Crumpet being eaten by an eagle didn't even get this much.)

And you've NEVER written anything this spectacularly bad. I'd make fun of you if you had. :-)

[mirasol.livejournal.com]

I thought I'd give it a chance and have a read of the original fic.

So I ignored the usual booth closet to the exit which is strange coz I generally like to use the door to leave skanky dives like that.
Gave up after the second that want be necessary.

I know this is self-contradicting as I don't use one, but someone really ought to tie the author down until they agree to use a beta. OMG, imagine if this actually has already been beta-d?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh, the pretend review I was going to leave was filled with such brilliant witicisms like "here's a new word for you: BETA," and other such nonsense.

It was hard to read through the tears and stomach cramps, but *sniff* I did it all for you (general you, not YOU you. No offense.)

*EG*

[leeannaray.livejournal.com]

I read this at 4am while feeding the baby. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to laugh that hard silently? Thanks so much, that's the best laugh I've had all day. Hope it's ok that I friended you.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Sho 'nuff! I remember those days of trying not to dislodge the baby while I take my mind far far away during wee hour feeding times.

It was so damn hard to get that cat to suckle...

[vic-amy-z.livejournal.com]

I made the mistake of reading chapter one... Eew! My eyes!!Although I did particularly like, 'Quickly, he placed it on his dick while she massaged his balls. He flipped them over, rolling them onto the carpet of the living room.' He flipped his balls over and rolled them onto the carpet?? That's not a pretty mental picture...

Thank you so much for making me laugh out loud with this. '"cream of cum" a slightly less popular offering from Campbell's' alone nearly killed me!

[spikefan.livejournal.com]

God help me, I was possessed by an evil spirit which forced me to go read all 9 chapters. I've never seen such an abundance of bad visuals, mixed metaphors, and paragraphs collapsing under the weight of too many forced similes. Although, I have to say, now that I know my womanhood can be endorsed by William/Spike, it's considering running for public office.

Now I feel all filthy, and not the good kind of filth, either.

[chantal87.livejournal.com]

Oh Sweetie,
I have so much love for you right now. You did so well MSTing the fic from hell.
::continues bleaching brain::

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*tries a little Ajax and scrubs it harder*

God, I just couldn't make it past 5 chapters.

*holds you for being brave*

[ex-kyrieane267.livejournal.com]

ack! obligatory disclaimer! *wipes coffee off the monitor* this is...i have no words, laughing way too hard! thanks!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

*hands you paper towels*

Need a squeegie? (Sue is hysterical. Ecstasy episode of 90210!!! I love her.)

[amontillado.livejournal.com]

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

I am crying I'm laughing so hard and at 7:30 in the morning. That was the best wake up ever!

I followed a link to this from my flist, and I'm feeling the overwhelming need to not only Friend you (hope you don't mind) but from here on out, dedicate every one of my orgasms to you, Stoney.

*Begins playing "Right Here Waiting..."*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Fine if you dedicate your orgasms to me, but that will just fill my panties with cream of cum, and then Sue gets hot.

Oh! Go right on ahead. Just a warning: there are tales of a stupid woman who writes mini-Vampire stories of slashy love contained within... *points to self*

Carry on.

[meli1-77.livejournal.com]

I started reading the lines before clicking on the link and by time I reached the line "his lips felt like cotton balls" I thought I knew which story this was. Yet by the time I reached "he kept eating while her essence glazed his face like a hot baked cinnamon bun", I knew which story it was. I just read it yesterday morning. I had to laugh at most of the lines. What about the part where Spike/William scraped his nails down Faith's walls?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh. My. God. Now I have to finish this story.

You know, the author was so EARNEST in their desire to write Good.Fic, that I kinda feel bad. But then I think about the "parade of contractions" and quit caring.