Dear God. It. Won't. Stop. Warning: Tastelessness ahead.

[stoney321]

If you need to blame someone, start with chantal87 who pointed out the bad fic. Unintentional bad fic. Spuffy AU (which isn't a bad thing) where the metaphors and similies come cheap. crazydiamondsue and I have been spamming each other's e-mail with laughter, and now I BRING IT TO YOU.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Stoney's

• "his cock wept." Boo hoo! I need pussy!


• "their orgasmic waves of pleasure started off on a high note and continued on an ascending scale." until they had to make those additional slash mark thingies and eventually fell off the page.


• "her orgasm was like a thief in the night, robbing her of hers." 'hers' is a code name for expensive bags. The robber is robbing her of her expensive bag.


• "he crashed on the beach of his senses." someone told her to use more metaphors. They should use semaphores next time.


• "his lips felt like cotton balls" I have no words for this. WTF does this even mean?? However, it could come in handy if one of them is a sloppy kisser.


• "her body shook without permission" Wait for it............Shake!


• "pussy bone" *falls down laughing. Owwwwwww-CHUH!*


• "he kept eating while her essence glazed his face like a hot baked cinnamon bun" from Cinna*bon, but he liked the orange glazed ones best, so he had to make do. Next time he'll specify she uses the monkey bread poon-spray


• "he felt like he was having a seizure" so she pulled him out and shoved a leather wallet into his mouth to keep him from choking on his own tongue. "Thanks for ruining the moment, dipshit!"


• "cream of cum" a slightly less popular offering from Campbell's


• "her cleavage reminded him of the perfect butt crack on a heart shaped ass" which was weird because her butt crack reminded him of the perfect cleavage on an hourglass body with uni-boob.


• "placing a hickey on the tip of her tongue" how is this even possible? When does a hickey just turn into a bruise?


• "whipped his cock out like a Ninja sword" Su! Kurio! Me dow chung go! Si! And with one fluid movement, he cut her head off her body with his Ninja sword-cock and fucked her throat hole. The End

Sue's List

• He walked passed her, smelling like an ashtray and expensive cologne. It was intoxicating. Okay, I like the smell of fresh cigarette smoke. Cigarette smoke that clings to clothing smells like ass. A fucking ashtray smells like day old ass.
*Stoney adds: It smells like cat food and ass in here!*

• There was always some lucky man or woman on his arm. It was clear to her he was bisexual. Gee. She's sharp.


• "Sex, drugs and rock and roll. Take your pick." I think I need drugs right now.


• Later, he realized he already had them. I've already had you...I've already had you - you're like my ex-girlfriend and the blow job I had before that.


• Her lips looked liked shinny [sic] red candle apples I made a candle out of an apple once at camp. It was shinny.


• She wanted a little spice. Well then buy some marjoram, but leave skanky bisexual bar whores alone, Elizabeth!
*Stoney adds: Marjoram? Not Cumin?*

• Masturbation would never go out of style she thought. Have you heard about the latest style? You put your finger against your clit and you...too much?


• The gorgeous blonde lived in the good part of town. She knew this because one of her college girlfriends, Faith, lived in the same condos. The lack of rats and street urchins was also a tip-off.


• Spike licked her pussy like a lollipop That's a funny shaped pussy. Also, I thought he was William????


• She felt another orgasm wash over her. She forgot to tell us about the first one. Unless it was the trail of liquid that ran down her legs...ewww.
*Stoney adds: that was the WASHING, Sue*

• She was glad she came. No pun intended she thought with a smile. Oh, that was intentional, don't try to fuck with us.


• He kissed her. She accepted his tongue without hesitation. Well, considering he's already gone down on her and brought her to orgasm twice (??) and she's been riding his cock, a little first base shouldn't be too much to ask.


• The came together, dedicating their orgasms to each other. This orgasm goes out to an old friend of mine, wherever she is, I want her to know I'm thinking of her. So, Casey, could you please play "You're the Inspiration".....


• Getting stale cum out of clothes was like getting gum out of hair. Um, not really. One you can throw in the washer and the other requires scissors....
*Stoney: Whatever Sue. you have NOT fucked this wildcat. His cum IS glue.

• He had awakened with at few dogs in his time but she was even hotter. Hotter than a dog? Ooh, you turn my head with your sweet talk.


• ...one of the heels of her come-fuck-me pumps was broken. Third mention. We fucking get it. She had on shoes that just ask to be fucked. Get. Over. It.


• The words "no repeat performances" were like a nat in his ear. Nat King Cole? Nat Turner? Nat Stuckey?


• The bloke he picked up was a petite fellow. He talked too much and it was obvious he was a bottom. Short. Check. Talks too much. Check. Hey guys, I'm a bottom!


• He was never gentle when he fucked a man. There was no need to be. He just wanted to hit and quit it. ::hit:: "Quit it!" ::hit:: "Quit it!" ::hit:: "Quit it! Mom, he's hitting me!"


• He needed to vomit. The ecstasy didn't mix well with the alcohol. Which is why you're supposed to drink lots of water...damn it, didn't you see the ecstasy episode of 90210???


• The warmth that radiated from his body endorsed her womanhood. Okay, I have no quip for this one. Just...WTF?
*Stoney: On a cold winter's night, I like to warm up with Womanhood Warmth ™. It has Stoney's approval!*

• Her nipples screamed hallelujah. HA-llelujah! HA-llelujah! Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Ha-LAY-loo-yah!
*Stoney: Funny, my nipples whisper Figaro. Huh.*

• She wet hers lips like she was preparing for the dick sucking Olympics. Eh. The Russian judge isn't convinced.
*Stoney: But look at the Greek judge! He's waving his country's flag!*

• William had her coming and going so many times; her womb felt like a parade of contractions marched through it. Again - just. can't. make. it. funnier.

I love you all. I bring you laughter to share the glowing, radiating heat of my womanhoo- love. Thank god for funny people. Sue, I owe you cheesecake.

Comments

[likeadeuce.livejournal.com]

I really don't have anything new to say about the fic. I mean, how do you beat a parade of contractions marching through a womb. (and, um, this is a good thing?)

I just wanted to show off the icon I got over at thedailyshow. Hey crazydiamondsue, how'sabout if I tape Jon's opening monologue tonight and throw it on your "Angel" tape? should make a nice little breather between "Shells" and "Underneath" (as opposed to the SIX BLOODY WEEKS we had to wait when they originally aired)>

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Dear. God. Love the icon. love Jon Stewart. Body is popping out eggs waiting for his sperm to make perfect, short little children filled with wit...

filled with?

[likeadeuce.livejournal.com]

joy? irony? Wee!Spike!? my breath is duly bated.

Re: filled with?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Bated? Baited? Jason Bateman? Now I'm reaching. I'm just killing time before my love-man-joke-boy comes on screen.

Don't even touch that. You're better than it.

arrest THIS development

[likeadeuce.livejournal.com]

now you make me want a Jason Bateman icon. no, actually I want a Will Arnett/Gob icon because he is teh funny.

and after your love-man-joke-boy comes on screen. . .might he want a douchebag?? (runs to hide)

Re: arrest THIS development

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Them love boys is a douche!!

I am still so inlove with Jason Bateman. *sigh*

Re: arrest THIS development

[likeadeuce.livejournal.com]

I love Michael, but I want to make manpants out of Gob.

George Michael: "People can say what they want about America, 12 bucks still buys a lot of mice."

Gob: "Who said anything about America?"

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

Yes to Jon and pleasepleaseplease. Icon! Rocks me!
I had a silly contraction parade for you, but no, I backed off. That fic hurt me.

corksoakers

[likeadeuce.livejournal.com]

so I take it you were watching "the best of Jimmy Fallon laughing at his own jokes" on SNL the other night? I am seriously NOT among the ranks of the Jimmy-loving. Amy Poehler=such an improvement. I guess the boy's kind of cute, but when I saw him doing Mick at the beginning of the ep, I seriously thought he was Mike Myers. Except for Mike Myers being, you know, funny.

*goes to hide from the slings and arrows of outrageous Fallon-love*

Re: corksoakers

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

i think Fallon is great at some things (Boston kids kills me everytime) but he was definitely the pretty boy. Give me Rachel Dratch, Will Ferrell, and Amy Poehler any day. (Oh, God, that's so roe-mannick!)

running out of icons

[likeadeuce.livejournal.com]

Tina Fey went to my alma mater, and she's all smart and stuff. Jimmy Fallon couldn't pronounce Justice Scalia's name correctly after weeks of Bush v. Gore drama. The Boston boys sketches are funny (because, dude, I know those guys), but Rachel Dratch is the best part, and whenever they had Affleck or Damon on there, they did it so much better than Fallon. Plus the whole laughing at his own jokes thing -- I'm a hypocrite because I do it myself, but I feel like that's the basic minimum of sketch comedy, you know. and I so forget that you're a pro at this!

Laughing on stage

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Once in a blue moon, it's funny. See: cow bell.

When it's every time 'cause you're so pleased with yourself? Bleh.

And no one can suck the funny out of a skit like Horatio Sanz. Unless it's Tim Meadows. AWFUL.

Re: corksoakers

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

Love the song parodies. Love the self-concious laughter. Can't help it. And the 14 year boy I am loved cork soaker. (Icon by Vinnie.) But yes, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey? That makes me grin.

"and your show will still blow"

[likeadeuce.livejournal.com]

Jon's on, and I'm just taping the whole half hour. well, I might cut out the part that's about baseball, but the rest of it is just too good.

[spikefan.livejournal.com]

Buffy's Parade of Contractions, a dramatic interpretation in six words

BEFORE: can't! won't. shouldn't...

AFTER: didn't! couldn't! wouldn't!

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

...and that was it! I can't stop laughing!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh (bee bee) nuh nuh (bee bee) BUH!
(sound of Sousa following your parade of contractions)