Tears of a Clown

[stoney321]

In Sparkle-News, I made up a drinking game. Now, this is the kind of game that will get you seriously hammered, if not dead from alcohol poisoning. Smeyers: She really, really needs a Thesaurus, stat.


Every time you read the words:

• GHOSTED
• BEAUTY/IFUL
• OBSESSED/IVE
• CHAGRIN
• UGH
• RAINBOW SPARKLES
• DAZZLE/LING
• PERFECT/TION/LY

you take a drink. Call the hospital and set up a donor liver before starting, because GOOD LORD, Perfect will raise your blood alcohol to death levels.





You'll notice that I've included the leaked book, Midnight Sun, and keep in mind it's only a handful of chapters, so the count tally for the possibly finished version will be way, WAY higher. And talk about laziness... It's Twilight, all the same dialogue, but from a different POV. And oh! I forgot all the stalker moments! i started counting every time Edward was really creepy/stalkerish (he even refers to himself as a stalker. UM, WHAT.)

Total count for the 12 chapters? 15. And that's a conservative number, because I counted all the stuff that happened IN ONE NIGHT as one. Dude, he reminds himself to buy OIL so he can make it so her bedroom window won't squeak. You know, because he doesn't want to WAKE HER UP while he's watching her. THAT IS FREAKY, SMEYERS.

Someone needs to record how many times Bella's heart stops beating/she stops breathing due to the nearness and perfectness of Edward. That's a double digit, for sure.

Okay, back to photoshopping "Jacob's" head on Professor Lupin. Hahahaha.

Comments

[menomegirl.livejournal.com]

She actually uses the words "rainbow sparkles" together in a sentence?

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

YES. Literally "rainbow sparkles." It's like the universe knew I needed a laugh.

[elisi]

Just to make sure that I fulfill my spamming quota today...

I adore this quote - the movie might actually almost be worth watching:

“When you read the book,” says Pattinson, ... “it’s like, ‘Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.’ I mean, every line is liked that. He’s the most ridiculous person who’s so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn’t do that. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that’s how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he’s a 108 year-old virgin so he’s obviously got some issues there.”

[menomegirl.livejournal.com]

Well! I am aghast.

[jerusha]

BWAHAHAHA! *cannot stop laughing at "rainbow sparkles*

Honestly, those are words that belong together only in "My Little Pony" fanfic (I'm sure such a thing exists). Or meant in an incredibly ironic way.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Isn't that hilarious? I love the contempt he has for the character he'll be in bed with for the next year or two. Bwah!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

RAINBOW SPARKLES!! Can you believe it?!


(And I'm honestly surprised at how few times "chagrin" popped up. I really thought it would be more. It FELT like more.)

[redbrickrose.livejournal.com]

Wait. What's Midnight Sun? There's going to be a book from Edward's POV? That's . . . alarming.

[marenfic.livejournal.com]

Mmm. I love rainbow sparkle frosting.

What? That must be what she's talking about.

[moosesal.livejournal.com]

I think what I love about the chart is how you can see that in Breaking Dawn the numbers for perfect/ly and beauty/ful went up while others went down. Clearly she got lazy because I'm sure she could have had more dazzling in place of beautiful. I mean, come on. Dazzle us with your terrible prose, Ms. Meyers.

[anelith.livejournal.com]

I don't see how anyone over the age of 10 could write the words "rainbow sparkles" together with a straight face. Intentionally.

Does she seriously intend to publish this "Midnight Sun" book? Which is all the same dialogue? God, what a lazy way to rake in the money. I am ashamed of all the readers out there who will fork over their bucks for the rehash.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

That's the one from his POV!!! IT'S FUCKING CREEPY.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

You know she wants to cover him in rainbow sprinkles. He's like the base they build flavored ice cream on at Marble Slab Creamery!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I actually surprised "obsess/ive" didn't go down in the 2nd book, given that Edward is gone for 70% of it.

DAZZLE ME WITH YOUR ACUMEN, AGENT STARLING.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Rainbow sparkles, I swear to the god of your choice.

It's irritating beyond belief, isn't it? The money she's made over this!!

[moosesal.livejournal.com]

LOL. Dazzle me with your acumen, Ms. Stoney. *mwah!*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

QUID PRO QUO, SALLY.

Did the lambs...stop...screaming? Please tell me when they do.

[maybe1ce.livejournal.com]

<--- Dies in horror.

I honestly thought that the satirists were saying "rainbow sparkles" as some kind of hyperbole or something, not that she actually used the phrase.

For the record, the phrase "rainbow sparkles" should only be used by girls under 6 years of age and drag queens. And the drag queens are only allowed to use it during a performance.

[seraphcelene]

Dude, I thought the same and decided to read the first book and was horrified to find that I was Dead Wrong!!! OMG! I am scarred for life from reading that book. It was so bad that I couldn't find the funny. Thank gods for stoney321!

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

I am slowly backing away from this fic more and more the more I read about it... And I will drag my best friend with me... :-P

[seraphcelene]

Dude, I submit that dazzle/d, grimace/d, and smirk/ed should be included. I really, really, really wish that you'd come up with this game before I read this. If I had waited one day, just one little ole day!! I could have passed out in alcoholic bliss 1/4 of the way through the book and been spared the horror.

Oh, the horror! It haz rainbow sparkles.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Dazzle is there, but I didn't think of grimace! Clearly there will have to be special additions of this game. :D

[siapom.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to jump in uninvited, but those were my thoughts exactly. She seriously wrote that? And didn't immediately backspace to erase it? omg.

[maevebran.livejournal.com]

What age are these books aimed at? 5 year olds? I have a friend who says her five year old niece's favorite colors are pink, purple, and sparkle. But a grown woman writing about rainbow sparkles to a crowd older than that Oh My Dear and Fluffy Lord!

I think I shall stay far away from these books and movies. At least I can take comfort in the fact that Hollywood bought such stupidity they may actually consider my writing as it is ten times better.=)

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

A wise decision!